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ajGambino · Jun 14, 2009, 09:43 PM

Tando, you sound similar to my thoughts. Right now, I'm in a state of just trying to move on. I think I've made some progress.

Just like you, I have no hard feelings towards her leaving me. It's a rollercoaster of emotions but forgiveness seems to be the main emotion that stays. I accept the fact that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and I see a clearer picture. Hopefully I can continue to progress.

Tando, I'm very happy for you man, positive thinking can only lead to positive things. Enjoy.

Tando · Jun 14, 2009, 10:27 PM

Aj, mate, my brother in mind,

This is so true... forgiveness and especially appreciation in my case are the keys. Hurting words have been said but at the same time appreciation was present, too.

Originally Posted by ajGambino

Hopefully I can continue to progress.

This quote of yours is true, but if you change two words, it'll sound much more positive.

"I will continue to progess", because you and I will. The setbacks will come, but that is part of the process. If we stick to our gained insight, we will come out of this stronger than ever before... and we will.

I'm with you aj... have a great new day!!

kctiger · Jun 15, 2009, 05:43 AM

It's hard to see clear when you are left for someone or something else... in months to come, the clouds start to fade and the sun shows itself, and you realize that life is going to be better... hell, at first you realize that life can just be normal again. Hang in there you two.

Tando · Jun 15, 2009, 07:39 AM

Hey kc,

Thank you for your words...
I'm hanging in there and my emotions are in turmoil again... now it's been three days of crying but afterwards I always felt better and more at peace... I think that is a good sign... and I need to allow this to happen, I need to embrace this feeling, because I do have the feeling that every time I lose something... maybe hope... not love, because that will take time...

My brain is set for moving on, but my heart intervenes all the time. I want to make me believe that it is all over, but this freaking hope still pops up. I thought it is over... and the pictures of her being with another man are also coming back in mind. I thought I passed that stage already.

The one moment I am getting afraid of meeting her end of July, the other moment I make myself believe that I will be strong, clearer and somehow moved on enough... I am clear what I'll be saying to her... I want to forgive her, I want to apologise I want to tell her how much I appreciate the time together and also how much I wish her to become happy, especially because she is such an important person in my life and always will be. I don't want her bad because she is a good person and she deserves best...

Just as me :-)

At the same time I have the fear of breaking into crying if I see her, of starting to beg for another chance, of being weak and showing that I didn't move on... although I am somehow...
This will be my biggest challenge this year... besides becoming happy with myself :-). But since this is still in the future and I can only change today and see what's happening tomorrow

Okay, I had an all right day though. I was able to work on my studies and making some progress there... My moods are still reserved, but I'm getting there...

Tando · Jun 15, 2009, 03:23 PM

Hey guys,

I am confused... I don't know how to categorise my feeling.
My day was okay. I went to the library to do some studies, there my ex was present almost all time, but I was able to concentrate on my stuff. After some time I realised that the emotions are overwhelming me and I went home for a good cry. Afterwards I felt better and my moods picked up...

Tonight I went out with friends and I had a good time actually. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. But I still had thoughts about my ex, although they didn't bother me too much, even if I imagined her laying naked next to the other guy and falling asleep next to him...
It seemed so unreal to me... it seemed like a dream... it seemed like it is not reality... and I wonder what that is?! Is my hope filling me up with these emotions?! Because I can't go from crying at 4pm to not caring at 11.30pm the same day...

I feel like my emotions are betraying me openly and make my mind not see the truth... Even if my mate told me three times: "This woman is gone.", I did not really react... It is the same right now... somehow not believing in the break-up... How can I get back to realisation?

Has that happened to anyone of you before?!

Please advice...

ajGambino · Jun 15, 2009, 04:03 PM

This is normal. Your break up is still really fresh. This is why it's called an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you feel fine, others might leave you hanging down.

Only time will be able to even things out, so be patient my friend. Only time will be able to set you straight. Keep up the NC progress, stay strong.

bigdee · Jun 15, 2009, 04:56 PM

Tando - hang in there man!! Things WILL get better... but only if you stick to NC! Day one of my healing started with the first day I stuck to NC:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-364028-2.html

Now the only thing that bugs me looking back is that I delayed 3 months of healing (and wasted 3 months of my life) because I kept breaking NC!

Tando · Jun 15, 2009, 09:12 PM

Hey guys,

Thank you for your words.
I never wanted to break NC. Haven't thought of it, to be honest. But I had to think forward towards July and the issue of moving out of the shared flat. Don't know if I can avoid seeing her then or if I'll be able to face her.

Right now, I can feel the healing process a bit, but imagining to see her again is scary.

Is it possible to be good enough, not healed all the way, and get through one contact without losing everything?!

*smiling at myself* I can see my progress already. I am living for me again, not for her/us, just as I did for the last 2 1/2 years.

Guys, this feeling is awesome and I'd never gotten there without NC. I feel strength again and I feel worthiness. I feel I start loving myself again because I am facing my weaknesses and admit to them and be open to others about them.

I even see what a beautiful person she has given up, whereby at that point of time, this person wasn't present anymore. Only slowly I am returning...

But every day is making me better, stronger, clearer and healthier...

And I feel like I'm alive again...

kctiger · Jun 16, 2009, 06:05 AM

Tando, you are going to have good days, bad days, great days, and rock bottom days. This is a process, a long one at that. It took me months to actually see that I was getting better, and I mean MONTHS.

Just hang in there. The key is to keep your emotions in check. Don't get too happy, or too sad, as you know you are still healing when your emotions run your thoughts.

You are for sure a beautiful person, but most people are, and the key is to truly believe in yourself and share that beauty with those around you, especially those that are in need of help the most.

Tando · Jun 16, 2009, 01:46 PM

Kc,

I know it will take me far longer than this 6 weeks (exactly on the day) to get better, but if you believe it or not, I am far better than before. I am letting go and moving on. The pain is bearable currently, sometimes not even existing.

Today I started to write a letter to her and at some stage I just stopped and thought... what the hell am I doing? This is insane. Why do I waste my precious time on this. I rather take this time to look after myself, because she is just doing the same...

Later in the evening I „broke“ NC by checking on her Facebook profile for updates. Since I am not her friend anymore, I used the login of one of my friends. There I „found out“ that she is being very very happy without me and enjoying herself. Even looking at pictures were not so hard. A little stitch in my chest, but nothing else.
Won't do it again though since I believe I just wanted to know where I am standing... I don't think it's denial no more but rather acceptance...

That is so awkward to be honest.

Tomorrow I will be back at the library and continue on my final thesis for uni...

And I will keep you updated, of course...

Tando · Jun 16, 2009, 10:51 PM

Guys,

Bad day today... at least it started bad... had a sleep as well... so stupid to look at the profile... only hurts in the end and I do step back in the process... I was thrown back in old thougths and started on unanswered questions again... so stupid... This will teach me a lesson...

I shouldn't overrate my progress and be patient... I always was a patient and calm person... I am supposed to walk my way and leave the rest behind. Right now, I am all right but my heart is aching badly.

It is still a road of 1000 miles and I just went right back to the start... well... back on track now now...

bigdee · Jun 17, 2009, 07:12 AM

Originally Posted by Tando

Later in the evening I „broke“ NC by checking on her facebook profile for updates. Since I am not her friend anymore, I used the login of one of my friends.

Why dude? WHY? WHY??

Not only did you look at her profile, you actually went the extra mile to look (by using someone else' login) so you have no excuse of "accidentally" checking her profile.

Looking at my ex-gf's info on Facebook has caused me pain in the past even when I unfriended her. Noticing her un-tag me from photos, removing photos she posted of me, seeing her change her profile picture, etc... See my story. I regret even going near her info on Facebook now. It's best to completely block all info of her.

NC! Especially social networking sites!

Tando · Jun 17, 2009, 09:27 AM

Hey bigdee,

I know it was stupid and I already do regret it...
This extra mile I need to walk now now will teach me better.

I will keep away from Facebook as best as possible in the future, especially from her profile... As I said, I am impatient... I thought I am much further in the process but had to be taught the hard way...

It is so bad that even today I had/have the feeling that I'm living in a dream world... that I don't have touch with reality and build up some sort of bubble world for myself, but for quite some years already... to me it seems that I am turning into a nutcase... or I discover I am a nutcase...

It is a frightening feeling, let me tell you!!

Tando · Jun 17, 2009, 10:30 PM

Rock bottom day yesterday... short night with almost no sleep past... new day has started... many thoughts went down my brain... am back on track... feeling like I arrived back in reality...

Luckily...

Looking back and being angry about the time wasted already...
But also thinking this was precious time for me to understand the relationship, my ex and especially myself...

Although I moved in circles for many many times, with the same thoughts and ideas...

Trying to cut out ideas by really writing them down regularly...

ajGambino · Jun 17, 2009, 10:54 PM

It's OK man, we're human... we make mistakes and we sometimes can't fight the urges of curiosity, YET. Time will make you stronger and you will be able to fight the urges.

As of right now, you're thinking that it was a step back from your progress. It was not. I had a similar situation.

Turn this thing into a positive one. Now that you've seen this, it'll be that much easier to cope with as the days pass, also making it a big reality check. Be strong buddy, this was not a step backwards... it was a quick stop. Keep going man, keep rolling.

Tando · Jun 19, 2009, 01:14 AM

The last two nights I slept really sh... actually I did not sleep more than 2 -3 hours a night... not even feeling tired really.

I can't explain my state, I don't know if I'm moving on or what is happening. It is a strange feeling... I need to figure that out asap.

I want to have a really good sleep and just wake up refreshed... but I don't seem to be able to... I am restless and too sharp...

talaniman · Jun 19, 2009, 04:49 AM

What did you do before you went to bed?

kctiger · Jun 19, 2009, 05:36 AM

Take a hot bath and a couple Advil tablets... relaxing and comforting.

PirandelloLuigi · Jun 19, 2009, 10:14 AM

You are still in the early stages of breakup, it is normal you can't sleep. We cannot pretend someone is out of our life and just like that life goes on. These things take time.

It's going to be 20 weeks for me since my breakup, I sleep a lot better now. I still think of her sometimes, but now it's different, my life is moving on with or without her, if she chose to bail out, it's her loss, she will miss on a lot and another woman will come along and take her place.

The best thing I can tell you is, read a lot about relationships, why breakups happen, how to cope with a breakup, how to move on with your life.

Remember if the girl dumped you, she had no feelings for you, and she probably already moved on, she don't care how you feel and if she can go to bed each night without even checking to see how you are doing, you have your answer. Don't waste another minute thinking of her.

talaniman · Jun 19, 2009, 10:31 AM

Physical activities are great during the day, and a hot bath, aspirin/Advil. And a good book work wonders. Exercise stimulates the appetite, and is a great stress relief.