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Jenette_styche · Jun 17, 2009, 02:14 AM

My partner started working with me as I was going on maternity leave,a new girl started but I thought nothing of it,soon after a lot of romours started to go around work about them and put a lot of strain on our relationship,they are good friends and text each other a lot,2 months after I had my baby girl he started acting weird,was very nasty to me.he even put a password on his phone. a month later he split up with me and my world fell apart! I said he could stay here until he found a new place,I knew something was going on so when he didn't expect it I stole his phone,which had a pass word on it.I said I wanted to look at music so he took the password off,I then looked through his phone and found very explicit messages from her and from him.we are back together now and he swears nothing happened apart from a peck on the lips,but I can't trust him,I keep having panic attacks and can't stop thinking about it,it makes me feel sick,I know we wasn't together when the messages happened but it will tear us apart and I don't want that! Please help!

dreamingartist · Jun 17, 2009, 05:24 AM

Emotionally cheating. And with a kid. And a kiss. You already answered your question, you know what he did, but you subconciously don't want to admit it, so you are letting him tell you it was nothing, a kiss.. etc. How many guys have you explicitly messaged? What about kissed? Actions speak louder than words. You don't want to leave him and you aren't, at least not from something you've mentally made to be a smaller deal than it really is. Doesn't sound like he is ready for a kid, I wish the kid the best of luck.

ZoeMarie · Jun 17, 2009, 05:44 AM

I don't know if I would continue in this relationship without counseling at least. I wouldn't trust him either. I know personally of a situation with a man that was married and sending explicit texts to a girl he worked with. A lot more went on than just the texts.

Jenette_styche · Jun 17, 2009, 05:54 AM

I don't trust him at the moment,he had never done anything like this until we had our baby,I went through a rough birth and it really affected him. When he left he stopped caring about everything.he gets very defensive when I talk about it to him,but when I'm down and he asks Why and I don't tell him he strops too! But I don't want to tell him because I know he will be nasty about it and call me stupid as he always does.Ive told him I want to go to counseling,but he says he won't go because there Isn't anything wrong with him!

ZoeMarie · Jun 17, 2009, 05:59 AM

So he's going to get you all upset by giving you reasons not to trust him but then doesn't want you to talk about it? That's real fair. I would go to counseling without him. Talk about what's bothering you, sort out your thoughts and figure out a plan of action. It may seem easier to stay together for your child, but I think it's better for kids to be raised by parents separately if it means they don't to see how hard it is for their parents to get along.

Jenette_styche · Jun 17, 2009, 06:06 AM

We get on really well until these thoughts pop into my head every few weeks, we always have a laugh,and are working hard on our relationship,doing things on our own,and as a family,we were stuck in a routeine for ages,which drove him away further when he broke up with me. I think he gets defensive because of guilt.I think I will go to councilling on my own. I just need the paranoia to go away and the thoughts to go.and I will feel much better when he starts his new job. Thank you for your help x

ZoeMarie · Jun 17, 2009, 06:11 AM

Well that's great that you get along well otherwise. I think counseling will help. At least that way you can talk about what's bothering openly and freely.

dreamingartist · Jun 17, 2009, 06:32 AM

Jenette, I hope things work out for you. One of the first things you can do to help yourself is to stop making excuses for him. Like: We were in a routine, so it pushed him away. He is a great guy until I question him and then he gets mad. He never did anything until we had our baby. I don't want to tell him anything because then he gets nasty.

etc.

The reality is. He should step it up 120% as a father. He should be thinking about you, not you thinking what can you do not to drive him away. And starting a new job isn't going to change anything because your essentially saying he ONLY messaged this girl because of the work environment. I don't know of any guys that "only" cheat because the girl they cheat with is at their job. Guys cheat because they think they can without getting caught. You caught him and now his world is tumbling down. If you never found out it wouldn't make him less of a cheater, it would just make you more unaware. I know a guy who has been cheating on his wife of 12 years for the past 4. She just recently found out about "1" of the girls, and now she is unhappy. But she was more than happy the previous 4 unknowing years. I am not saying your man has been cheating before. Its just reality is in the eye of the beholder.

Jenette_styche · Jun 17, 2009, 07:52 AM

Thank you for your answer,he didn't cheat before,I know he definitely didn't. It was just when he put the lock on his phone I knew something was up,so I got itemised billing.he swears they only kissed once,and both regreted it straight away,the best thing is her boyfriend was in the toilet at the time they kissed!
I always trusted him until this happened when we split up,we only splitted up for 2 weeks,and the texts were awful,the clean ones said stuff like,take me down to the laundry and take me to the cellar. Then there were things like I want to bounce on your c**k and f*** me down the country lanes! This is Why I don't trust him,Why were these in the messages if nothing happened?

Jenette_styche · Jun 17, 2009, 07:53 AM

Thank you for your answer,he didn't cheat before,I know he definitely didn't. It was just when he put the lock on his phone I knew something was up,so I got itemised billing.he swears they only kissed once,and both regreted it straight away,the best thing is her boyfriend was in the toilet at the time they kissed! I always trusted him until this happened when we split up,we only splitted up for 2 weeks,and the texts were awful,the clean ones said stuff like,take me down to the laundry and take me to the cellar. Then there were things like I want to bounce on your c**k and f*** me down the country lanes! This is Why I don't trust him,Why were these in the messages if nothing happened?