[dincher]

I have a classmate/friend whom I study with who has always had an "us against them" attitude. I'm wondering what the psychology is behind that.

Everywhere we go, there is always some kind of a dilemma between her and someone else, and I feel like I have to be loyal to her.

She always happens to find something "wrong" with people. Honestly, in some cases, I agree with her, but the way she just shoots her mouth or comments offends people. For example, if it's not the person's religion, it's the person's moral values.

Like one day, she blatantly told a mistress who was cheating with a married man that she was doing wrong. Of course, this offended the mistress, but I didn't care as I also saw this wrong.

But then it didn't stop there. She started to tell people that they're criticizing too much, that they're not in the right religion, that they're wrong in some way or another.

I notice that she only does this whenever the "group" we are with agrees with her. That's the only time she shoots her mouth. It's like now I'm afraid to say I agree with her otherwise she'll sound off and offend people expecting me and the rest of the study group to defend her.

Why does she feel the need to strike a debate or offend people, or whatever that is - to like show off or belong to the group? She's already "accepted" for lack of a better word. :confused:

[simoneaugie]

Her upbringing likely figures into her attitude. For some reason, being the way she is gives her perks. What are her fears? Not being accepted, or correct and not having her opinion heard are pretty obvious.

Why don't you talk to her about it. One episode is probably all you need to bring up. Tell her how you felt affected. Ask her why she felt it was important to state her view right then, in that way?

[friend4u178]

Sounds to me like she has some self esteem issues , therefore by belittling other people it makes her feel better about herself.

[taoplr]

Some people define themselves by what they are for, and others by what they are against. By being against something—the wrong religion, for example—they feel that they associate with its opposite. She gets similar value from correcting people, at least in her own mind. She reinforces herself, affirms her goodness, and feels that she has made the world a little better.

This girl is terrified about life. Needing the agreement and support of the group indicates this. Underneath her armor resides an anxious, insecure person. If you tell her how she comes off, how people interpret her behavior, and tell her in a way that she can't deny it, she will digest it, but reluctantly. You'll have to repeat the message numerous times in different ways. Read some Milton Erickson (the hypnotist). Be prepared for an ongoing fight but look for the keyhole to her mind.

Read these:

Amazon.com: My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.: Sidney Rosen: Books

Amazon.com: Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.: Jay Haley: Books

Good luck!

tao

[I wish]

This might sound harsh but I had a friend who was a little bit less critical than your friend, so I have an idea of how you feel. Long story short, I wasn't able to stay friends with that person because I couldn't handle her uncalled-for criticism. It just puts a strain on the friendship and it wasn't worth it.

Only you can decide whether you want to respect your friend's personality or find other friends.

You can point out to her that you feel that she's very critical, but it's her nature and she will either do it in her mind or out in the open.