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Big Blue Sky · Jun 14, 2009, 09:42 AM

Hi;

I have tried to stay close to my adult daughters.. tried to keep the lines to communication open.

Unfortunately, they ignore my calls, and attempts. I have not been a bad Mother, so there is no reason for this. This seem to stay close to their Dad, (I suspect it is because he is the one with the money!) He is my ex.

I have been very sick, and they have ignored me, in the hospital, they have ignored me.

This all hurts! They are both close to 30 years old.

Should I just quit! This will be hard for me, but I just don't know what to do? They will not tell me what is wrong either. I told my youngest I missed our phone calls, and she said that her cell phone bill was too high. Actually I could go on with these lame excuses they are giving me, but why bore you?

I would appreciate any advice you could give me.

Sincerely Big Blue Sky

justcurious55 · Jun 14, 2009, 09:53 AM

Is there any chance that maybe some of their excuses are true? Or that maybe they are just really busy? And that you're just taking it personally? I'm not trying to offend you. But I know that sometimes I get really caught up about thinking about just me. And then I start taking things personally. And sometimes I have to step back and remember, it's not about me.
And I'm sorry that you're sick and have been in the hospital. But I'm going to give you one more perspective. I hate seeing my loved ones in the hospital. I usually will go. But I try to make the visits as quick and short as possible. It's awful seeing someone you love sick in the hospital and not being able to help with anything. Maybe that's why they ignored you in the hospital?
Maybe instead of giving up on them all together just try not calling more than say, once a week, or once a month even. Sometimes people don't realize how much they love something until it goes away for a bit.

mudweiser · Jun 14, 2009, 10:34 AM

You know when the saying "out of the nest". Well they are out of it. Yes, it'd be nice to hear their voice or see their face more often, however, they are grown up and on their own now.

The fact that they ignored you at the hospital really makes me think about how "good" of a mother you are, either that or maybe they are too busy. Did they even call you?

How many times I week do you attempt calling them? Is it once a day, three times a week? Do you come by their homes unannounced, their workplace?

Sarah

Big Blue Sky · Jun 14, 2009, 02:26 PM

Hi Sarah;

Thank you for getting back to me.

The hospital trip was, by ambulance for high blood pressure. They got it under control, and told me I had to wait 6 more hours to see a Dr. I was not prepared to do that, and called my daughter who lives very close to that hospital to come and get me. She said she was to tired, and to take a cab home. It made me feel very alone.

I was a good enough Mother to stay at home with them, when they were growing up.

I never go to their home or work place unannounced.. that to me would be a clear invasion of privacy.. never have been that way.

I have always been available to the them, and sometimes that would be more than 3 times a week, trying to be encouraging. The youngest called that many time or more for years, and then it was once a week.. I was okay with that. It is just when I have a problem, or would like to talk, they haven't got the time.

Big Blue Sky · Jun 14, 2009, 02:36 PM

Hi;

Thank you for your reply.

Once a week would make me perfectly happy. The youngest just quit calling recently, so it is a big adjustment to me. It does make me angry too, that I have always been willing to listen to her problems, and now she is telling me she has no time. She always makes the time when she needs me to listen.

This year they left me alone on Christmas, and Mother's Day. I am thinking maybe I am just not getting the message? I asked if she was angry at me, she said no, I am really confused!

mudweiser · Jun 14, 2009, 02:40 PM

It really seems like they've already let go mom.

I know it's hard, especially after you put in all those years to help them grow up.

In my opinion, I would let them be. Call them once a week, maybe even less, and don't visit unless invited.

Now it's time to get busy. You no longer have children to take care of so it's time to become independent again. Socialize, volunteer, join a club, get a hobby, pursue your passion, heck even go back to school and further your career.

I'm sure once you start focusing on yourself, your children will soon notice and start to think "where is mom?".

Let them seek you- you've done enough already.

Sarah

Big Blue Sky · Jun 14, 2009, 02:59 PM

Hi Sarah;

You are right, they have already let go.. almost completely. The thing that hurts is that they go see their father every other Sunday for dinner.. talk to their step-mom. If it was straight across the board, I would not feel so bad. You gave me good advice though, some of which I have tried, and they are back in there like a dirty shirt?? I am almost 55, and have thought about taking a few courses.. went back to school at 40 FT , Business/Marketing. Tried to start new relationships, as I am single. They are right in their being critical. Frustrating!

mudweiser · Jun 14, 2009, 03:22 PM

So let them be critical.

You are your own person. It's not fair to let your ex live it up and have you in the corner sighing.

This may seem a little extreme but have you thought of movie to a different city or location. Hand your resume out to other companies that are a city or even a state away. It's not that your running away from your problems but starting over, sometimes a fresh and new environment is all we need to restart ourselves.

Your 55. Single. Nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry your children are acting this way- must be tough on a mom.

Spread your wings and fly you have a big blue sky to explore. ← okay that was cheesy but I had to say it.

Sarah

Fr_Chuck · Jun 14, 2009, 05:04 PM

Yes, you need to go out and be your own person, so you call the kids once a week and leave a voice mail or send them a email and go on,

Beyond that, live your life, I am in my 50's and divorced last year ( I have a 8 year old that lives with me) So I started a new job this year back in the medical field and moved to a new apartment.

Big Blue Sky · Jun 14, 2009, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

So let them be critical.

You are your own person. It's not fair to let your ex live it up and have you in the corner sighing.

This may seem a little extreme but have you thought of movie to a different city or location. Hand your resume out to other companies that are a city or even a state away. It's not that your running away from your problems but starting over, sometimes a fresh and new environment is all we need to restart ourselves.

Your 55. Single. Nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry your children are acting this way- must be tough on a mom.

Spread your wings and fly you have a big blue sky to explore. ← okay that was cheesy but I had to say it.

Sarah

Sarah;

Your funny! Can't really move because of medical conditions, but I have thought about saying to heck with it. That would not be too practical. I will make some additional inquiries. I do need a fresh start, and you are right, it is not running away. Thanks

mudweiser · Jun 14, 2009, 05:16 PM

Originally Posted by Big Blue Sky

Sarah;

Your funny! Can't really move because of medical conditions, but I have thought about saying to heck with it. That would not be too practical. I will make some additional inquiries. I do need a fresh start, and you are right, it is not running away. Thanks

I don't mean to be rude, but what kind of medical condition do you have?

I am most positively sure that you can do it. Even if it's moving to the other side of town. I'm a firm believe of starting over with a new environment.

Sarah

Big Blue Sky · Jun 14, 2009, 05:28 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Yes, you need to go out and be your own person, so you call the kids once a week and leave a voice mail or send them a email and go on,

Beyond that, live your life, I am in my 50's and divorced last year ( I have a 8 year old that lives with me) So I started a new job this year back in the medical field and moved to a new apartment.

Hi;

I have never really had a career in my life. So it would be starting one in my mid-fifties.

Family has been important to me as I did not have a close one growing up.. this is why I work so hard on this.

Finally, I am a lot nervous about getting back out there again, and getting a job. I know I am fairly intelligent, but whoaaa, these are all new things for me. A little bit fearful!

Thanks for you advice.

mudweiser · Jun 14, 2009, 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by Big Blue Sky

Hi;

I have never really had a career in my life. So it would be starting one in my mid-fifties.

Family has been important to me as I did not have a close one growing up..this is why I work so hard on this.

Finally, I am a lot nervous about getting back out there again, and getting a job. I know I am fairly intelligent, but whoaaa, these are all new things for me. A little bit fearful!

Thanks for you advice.

Hey it's better to start now than to wake up at 92 and think I shoulda/coulda/woulda.

I know it's scary, only because it's new. I bet Chuck was a little frightened with all the change that was happening in his life. I sure was when my marriage fell apart. I'm still blazing a new trail, but I love it.

Sarah

Fr_Chuck · Jun 14, 2009, 05:39 PM

I have had several carreers over my life time. And yes starting over can be scary, I am starting to date again since I don't want to wake up at 66 or 76 alone but that is my choice.

And a career is not who we are, but making a good income is a lot better than going hungry and not having a nice place to live.

But for myself I decided that life is to be lived, not watched

Gemini54 · Jun 14, 2009, 11:37 PM

It sounds to me as if they have distanced themselves for a reason. I wonder why they don't feel compassion and concern for you?

I would try not to take it personally at this stage. Keep the lines of communication open - send a little present or cards for birthdays, invite them round for a meal, ring to see how they are. Perhaps you need to make the effort at the moment, rather than expecting them to.

It still sounds a bit strange though. Are you able to talk to your Ex and ask him what's going on?

Big Blue Sky · Jun 15, 2009, 01:59 PM

Hi Gemina54;

Yes, it is strange isn't it! That is why this whole thing has got me whacked! My Ex, has been quit cruel to me emotionally all along.
He acts like I don't exist, and has for a long time. I went to the girl's school one time, and they didn't even know they had a Mom. I always hated Parent-Teacher interviews.. (My fault) but my Ex, always left the emergency no. for the Mother blank.

I have suffered from panic attacks, and have fought them since my youngest was born. I was blessed with above average looks, and most people just didn't get them... but I made sure they got into sports, brownies, etc. and always would go the extra mile for my girls. Thank you for responding. Big Blue Sky

polizzibean · Jun 29, 2009, 12:02 AM

You said "
They seem to stay close to their Dad, (I suspect it is because he is the one with the money!) He is my ex."
Now if this is truly the reason they ignore you (he has money and you dont) then unless you win the powerball or something I doubt they will change their behavior. If this is just you feeling hurt over them spending loving time with him and their step-mom,then you ,my dear, are being critical and vindictive. In either case you probably1. Should drop contact with the girls if they are just money lovers 2.Take a look inside and see what you have done to be so alone,go to counseling.
You said "I told my youngest I missed our phone calls, and she said that her cell phone bill was too high. Actually I could go on with these lame excuses they are giving me, but why bore you?"
First of all Boring and lame are more negatives.She made excuses which obviously to her are NOT lame. Usually we make excuses when we are put on the spot with someone who's feeling we actually care about.
You said,"
I have been very sick, and they have ignored me, in the hospital, they have ignored me.

This all hurts! They are both close to 30 years old.This also sounds angry "they are 30 they are old enough to behave better."
You need to go to a councilor and do some self exploring. The only person you can change is you. Let up on the critical side until you get some until do not assume you know why they behave the way they do.

You said ,
" would appreciate any advice you could give me." You will probably feel offended by my letter and I am sorry if it seems unkind. But I will not make excuses or mince words. Go get help ,get a life, become attractive in your behavior! Sincerely Mother of nine children 4 adults and 5 minors.

lghburle · Jun 29, 2009, 06:37 AM

I agree with some of the others. It is your time in life now. We only have this one life and you might as well focus on what gives you pleasure now. Just hang in there and maybe the kids will come around

Jake2008 · Jun 29, 2009, 10:24 AM

It is hard when they finally grow up, and you aren't needed anymore. It's quite another thing when they give up all communication, especially when you were at the hospital.

Who knows what they are thinking, or why, or how long the distance is going to last. There is just no figuring it, it doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is.

I agree with Mud, you should turn all that energy around and do something for yourself. Get out there, put aside that which you cannot change, and really enjoy your life.

The more you invest in yourself, the less the 'why's' will be eating at you.