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Left4dead · Jun 14, 2009, 02:54 PM

Situation is my stbxw had an affair and moved out 6 months ago. She has been taking the kids every other weekend for the most part since. Now she has talked to someonne who has informed her that she needs to go for 60/40 custody to keep CS lower ( me having 60%). She will only agree now to taking the kids (ages 10 and 12) every Tues and Thurs (overnight) and every other weekend. We were going through a paralegal at this point but I'm starting to think a lawyer is maybe my best bet. My question is does this schedule sound reasonable given the overnights during school nights. She lives 10 minutes from me but not in same school district. I have no problem with dinner nights during the week or even one overnight on a thurs, but 2 seems a little much with school. Keep in mind during the time since she moved out she has not once ask to have them overnight during the week until recently after she spoke with a friend about 60/40.What are the odds a judge would accept this sched. She is currently continuing this affar and has definitely shown poor moral and stability with the kids.The kids also don't want to go this much either.

ScottGem · Jun 14, 2009, 02:59 PM

Predicting what a Family Court judge will do is generally pure guesswork. Unless the issue iis covered by statutute or case law a FC judge has a wide latitude.

Most FC judges would prefer that the couiple work this out between them. But if you can't agree, I suspect that, since she walked out the judge is more likely to side with you.

P.S. you really shouldn't use odd abbreviations. It took me a bit to realize stbxw was soon-to-be ex wife.

Left4dead · Jun 14, 2009, 03:04 PM

I live in Florida, but my biggest concern is if I could lose it all. She has said if I went with a lawyer she would fight me for custody, to where she is the primary. I know laws have changed somewhat but realistically mothers are awarded custody over father. Any opinions on this schedule would be appreciated.

ScottGem · Jun 14, 2009, 03:08 PM

Again, she left you and she left without taking the kids. If you have prooof of that, you stand a good chance of retaining custody.

As to her threats about your getting a lawyer, they are mostly empty. She doesn't want you to get one, because if you do, she will have to get one or lose. You should consult an attorney who can give you a better idea how local courts rule.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 14, 2009, 05:15 PM

A paralegal can give you NO legal advice legally. You both can use the same attorney to do it

Left4dead · Jun 14, 2009, 09:07 PM

I know the differnce in paralegal and attorney. The problem is she will only agree to terms stated above. She will not budge. My real question was basically does that plan she wants sound to ureasonable or should I just deal with it. If I accept her plan it will save me at least $3000 and that's if she doesn't get a lawyer or a good one anyway. I just don't know anyone who has that many overnights.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 14, 2009, 09:12 PM

Nothing is "too much" or "too little" it is what each of you can agree to.

So if you don't want to accept it, don't, hire an attorney.

Or hire one on the side to talk to without her knowing about it, that can give you legal advice.

On my last divorce, I filed on my own, and represented myself, but I had an attorney hired for advice. You can pay one by the hour to look over and give you their opinion of your agreement

stinawords · Jun 14, 2009, 09:12 PM

Honestly, I think you should get a lawyer. Remember, she is the one that left and didn't take the kids (as someone pointed out). I don't see it bing a problem with you retaining custody and taking it to court may be a better way of it because even though it is nice when the two parents can just work it out, a lot of times they can't. To avoid an even bigger mess you can get the lawyer now and get a court date.

503person · Jun 14, 2009, 09:26 PM

I think that you should listen to what your children want. They don't want to be there during the week, so tell her no. If she takes you to court, so be it. The kids live with you, you have custody, your soon-to-be ex wife (that was a tricky abbreviation let me tell you) has shown little moral. The 'judge will look at that. He won't remove the kids from their home just because the noncustodial parent is the mother. They are safe and happy where they are. The most he'd do is say yes, they have to go tuesdays and thursdays. You will have to meet with a mediator first though, before you go through a judge. At least that's the law in Oregon..

And yes, her plan is unreasonable. Kids need STABILITY and lots of it, especially during a divorce. They need to be at home, in their own beds during the school week.

Left4dead · Jun 15, 2009, 04:58 AM

Thank you, I agree.

503person · Jun 15, 2009, 07:37 AM

I hope it all works out well for you. I just went through the whole custody thing. It's a scary battle, it makes you feel like you are balanced on the edge of a cliff, and it sup to everyone else if you go over or not. I had nightmares and everything. Laws are changing though, now family law courts are taking the best interest of the child into mind, and not just the old "a child should be with their mother" thing. Its more about disrupting the child's life as little as possible. I was lucky in mine, when I filed for custody the father didn't fight it at all and I was awarded sole custody with no visitation (which was a good thing cause the dad was an unstable drug addict) best of luck to you, and, fyi, you're not left for dead, you're left for a long, happy life :)

Justwantfair · Jun 15, 2009, 07:53 AM

A 60/40 split doesn't necessarily mean less child support, it will depend on what you decide for legal and physical custody, parenting time doesn't affect child support as much as the legal terms for custody. The proposal of her schedule will be difficult to maintain with the children and it's necessarily in the children's best interest to have a revolving door household. Considering she left and you have been working a schedule that works for you both, up until she determined that child support was an issue and the fact that the schedule is difficult on the children's stability, I would retain an attorney, even if it is just an attorney to represent the children. You can also try mediation, which is something that a judge may order for the two of you to reach a compromise as this is really about the children and working together for the children.

Keep in mind that to the court system your children are property to be divided and distributed, but in all actuality you don't want to cut your children in half, so a little give and take is necessary to keep your children together through this process.

Left4dead · Jun 15, 2009, 09:17 AM

In her case the 60/40 split lowered her payment by 200 a month. Im more concerned with the overnights w school. It seems everyone is on the same page as far as I should get an attorney. Keep in mind the affair is still continuing and her head is in the clouds. She is very selfish and self absorbed. She is right now trying to switch her weekend for July 4th with me so she can go away with her boyfriend. He is also married and his wife is divorcing him. Two peas in a pod.

miheui · Jun 15, 2009, 09:23 AM

If the child support doesn't matter to you, could you offer to lower the support as if you had 60/40 split and have the days? I know in PA, you aren't really supposed to do that, but my friend's ex-wife gave up custody of their son because he agreed to continue child support payments to his mother, even though he had sole custody.

Justwantfair · Jun 15, 2009, 09:24 AM

It's possible in her situation that her legal terms for her divorce is joint legal and physical custody, as that is often the determining factor to child support. With one sole legal and physical custody parent, the non-custodial parent pays 20% (in IL) for 1 child. With joint legal and physical custody, 20% is figured for each custodial parent 'paying' each other. Which means in the end the custodial parent with more income pays that difference to the other parent.

A 60/40 split could enhance her position for joint custody.

ScottGem · Jun 15, 2009, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by miheui

If the child support doesn't matter to you, could you offer to lower the support as if you had 60/40 split and have the days? I know in PA, you aren't really supposed to do that, but my friend's ex-wife gave up custody of their son because he agreed to continue child support payments to his mother, even though he had sole custody.

You are saying that the ex wife gave up custody because her ex husband agreed to continue paying support? If that happened it did not happen with court approval.

Please remember this is a LAW forum and responses here need to conform to actual statutes.

timothy friel · Jun 16, 2009, 09:11 AM

The odds in (Idaho) are 100% on this, that is a typical schedule, I get our daughter tuesdays and thursdays with every other weekends, what she is attempting to get is joint physical custody, and all court feel that it is in the child's best interest if joint custody is awarded, if she wants to be a responsible parent, let her, its better for the children if she is safe to be around.

Justwantfair · Jun 16, 2009, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by timothy friel

the odds in (Idaho) are 100% on this, that is a typical schedule, i get our daughter tuesdays and thursdays with every other weekends, what she is attempting to get is joint physical custody, and all court feel that it is in the childs best interest if joint custody is awarded, if she wants to be a responsible parent, let her, its better for the children if she is safe to be around.

It is not true of all courts, many courts have conditions that are favorable to joint custody, but not all courts have leaned in this direction.

Joint custody is only feasible if you and your ex-partner can work together well. The courts in Illinois, don't consider joint custody the best option.

ScottGem · Jun 16, 2009, 12:21 PM

Originally Posted by timothy friel

the odds in (Idaho) are 100% on this, that is a typical schedule, i get our daughter tuesdays and thursdays with every other weekends, what she is attempting to get is joint physical custody, and all court feel that it is in the childs best interest if joint custody is awarded, if she wants to be a responsible parent, let her, its better for the children if she is safe to be around.

Joint LEGAL custody may be a goal, but joint PHYSICAL custody is often unworkable. For joint physical custody to be considered the parents (unless preschool) would have to live in the same school district. Tues and Thurs and alternate weekends is not joint physical custody. Most courts will not see an arrangement by which the children bounce back and forth between parents as in the child's best interests.

As to her being a responsible parent, she left the marital home to have an affair that is ongoing. Seems to me she gave up being a responsible parent when she started the affair.

You just joined this site, I've encountered three of your posts so far and had issues with every one of them. We take pride inth e quality of the advice we give here. So far you are not measuring up. I would suggest, before you respond to anymore posts, that you browse around and see how others answer questions.

Left4dead · Jun 16, 2009, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by timothy friel

the odds in (Idaho) are 100% on this, that is a typical schedule, i get our daughter tuesdays and thursdays with every other weekends, what she is attempting to get is joint physical custody, and all court feel that it is in the childs best interest if joint custody is awarded, if she wants to be a responsible parent, let her, its better for the children if she is safe to be around.

Is your tues and thurs overnights? That is what she wants. I don't have a problem with "dinner nights" or even a Thurs overnight. It's the tues overnight that really kills it for me. Im not trying to stop her from seeing the kids. I just want stability in there lives. Obviously there is much more to this story.