[jlove09]

Hey, I'm new to this site and I know my problem is nothing compared to the other ones but this site seems so helpful and understanding. And I definetly need help.

I've been with this girl for 2 months (I know it's nothing but it's something to me) and she means a great deal to me. I've been with plenty of girls but I've never been so lifeless, empty and lonely. I was never the good b/f. I'm insecure and over protective cause its my first opening up, usually I hide away so I won't get hurt but this time I gave in all. I don't throw the word 'love' around but I love this girl. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Anyway, I noticed she acted distant with me the last couple of weeks and I pointed it out to her and she said I was just thinking things again. We got into an argument and I broke it off with her, she came to my house around 2 am crying. I took her back in my arms and next night, we broke off again cause of my actions. I accepted it, thinking I could do it without her cause I've done it heaps of times before with the other girls but I couldn't. I wanted her back and did many things to win her back. I bought her gifts, went to her work, gave it to her and stayed right in front of her work in my car for 1 and half hours, pulling faces and writing 'I love you" on the car window fog. She was fine, she giggled and smiled the whole time. But she's told me she needs space, and wants to focus on studying cause its her last year. I didn't accept that cause I thought she was seeing someone new. Anyway, she hasn't. I just want her back but I can't. She's made up her mind. She still says she loves and misses me, I know she does. Its genuine when she says it to me but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Should I wait for her or just move on? She said she'll be free around December but she doesn't know if we can give it another try. She says time will tell. Which is understanding at times but sometimes I just want to get away from her. We went to the movies today. We kissed, cuddled and held hands. When I went away from her, instead of sitting close to her in the movies, she asked if I was okay and why I was so far from her? What does this mean? I'm so lost and don't know what to do. I test her by talking about these other girls who likes me but she just says go date them. I don't know if its out of jealousy or she wants me to move on. I asked her if she was happy and she said she wasn't when we were in the relatonship but now she is. She also says she misses how we used to be, when we first started dating and she does miss how we hanged out. Sorry if I keep repeating stuff. I just can't think straight. Someone help. I'll appreciate it. Should I wait or go? She's worth it I know but I'm afraid of the outcome, I suppose.

[jlove09]

PS: She still messages me asking what I'm doing or wishing me a good day and that she loves me every morning.

[chuff]

NC for you.

Ignore all messages.

[I wish]

She obviously confusing the heck out of you with her insecurity. She's unsure of what she wants, so she's keeping you around, just in case she changes her mind.

It's time to step it up and give her the ultimatum. Tell her that your feelings for her are too strong and that you want more than a friendship. If she can't handle that, then it's time for you to move on with your life.

Make your intentions clear and she's going to have to make up her mind. After that, you have to make sure that you do not contact her anymore. She will contact you and only accept if she wants you back. If she's contacting you to let you know that she just wants to be friends or needs more time, then do not respond. If you keep talking to her, you will just continue to interpret every single detail or sign and that will just drive you nuts.

No point prolonging your pain and suffering. Let her know how you feel and start moving on with your life. If she comes back then great. If she doesn't, at least you'll have already moved forward with your life.

[jlove09]

Hey thanks guys. Since, last night I've been reading posts and answers. It helped me a bit, usually I'll end up breaking down every night and do everything to hear her voice or talk to her online. But last night I went offline, slept. She called and msged but I didn't reply cause I thought my sleeping is a lot more important. Well, today I went to square one. Talked to her online and asked her why she msged and stuff. She said I thought I would have wanted to talk. I'll see her today (hopefully) and maybe after that, I could do the whole NC :)

[chuff]

I didn't reply cause I thought my sleeping is alot more important.

Sleeping is always more important!

[jlove09]

I never used to think that cause I always put msyelf last when it comes to her. Just came back from shopping with her, feel sick and depressed now. I told her we got to lose contact, she was quiet. But yeah... I'm trying to let her go. I'll block her soon >.< Its hard.

[chuff]

I never used to think that cause I always put msyelf last when it comes to her.

Never, and I mean never put yourself last to anyone. When you make someone more important then you, you give them your power and women do not like a guy who is not powerful.

Just came back from shopping with her,

This is called contact. It is the opposite of no contact.

Seriously, why did you do this?

feel sick and depressed now.

Because you are breaking your own rules. You know you deserve to treat yourself better and you are not.

I told her we got to lose contact, she was quiet. But yeah...I'm trying to let her go. I'll block her soon >.< Its hard.

It is hard, but it is not impossible. We've all had to do it in the past and we all know that the longer you drag it out the more disgusted with yourself you will feel. The way out of your depression is to go to NC. Don't tell her about it, just do it. Don't get her opinion, just do it. Don't be scared if her feelings get hurt (or she lies and say they get hurt, she knows this is coming anyway) and just do it.

[none12345]

No you should not wait for her, because what if she never comes around? Its better to go on with your life so if she doesn't come back, at least you didn't waste any time, if she does than great.

She is playing games with you. Stop playing her games. It has to be yes or no and not between. I don't think its safe to say you love this girl, you ve just known her for 2 months. You are probably still in the honeymoon phase and everything seemsso perfect. Just give it some time.

[talaniman]

I think you should cut all contact with her, and disappear from her life. You are not ready for a relationship until you have gotten over your own issues, and dealt with your own behavior in a positive way.

Your thoughts may tell you your in love, but your actions don't. Don't take this to harshly but your just learning some things about yourself.

You made mistakes, so did she. It didn't work, and neither of you could make it work, so instead of trying to fix what is broken, step back, leave each other alone, and fix yourselves.

When the emotional dust settles, you both can make a better decision for yourselves, as individuals, as to what you want to do, but by continuing to see each other, you both are forced to see the worse in each other, and make you both miserable..

No Contact is your answer.

[jlove09]

Threads merged and edited.



Ever since, I kept asking her to come back till last night. She always messages me and still wants to talk cause she said time will tell, which is true. I know she still loves and misses me but I need to turn the tables around and MAKE HER COME BACK TO ME naturally without me needing to pull her back and make her feel prisoned. We went to the movies the other day, I cuddled and held her close to me as close as I can at the start of the movie but around the middle, I decided to eat my popcorn so I left her on the other side of the chair and she came up to me and asked what was wrong and why I was so far. Now, these days I've backed off a little to be honest, she messages me and I know for a fact she's not seeing anyone or anything. So, I think I still got a chance if I pull myself back a little and let her run back to me. I've been gyming and staying away from MSN, got rid of Facebook too cause its trouble and don't want to know what she's up to which is helping me to still love her but also keep my distance which I hope would drive her nuts. She said I changed, which was correct. I used to be so fun and she always thought I was an cause before she got my number of a friend and msged me. I never spoken to her and when she said hi, I said hi back and nothing more. So yeah :)

This site is helping me heaps too. I've been reading a lot of stories and been going back on askmen.com and when I feel like I'm going to run back, I just write it out and throw it away. I keep my pride, ego and love altogether.

That's why NC isn't always the case, I think. I'm pretty sure if you stayed friends, stayed positive. Maybe they'll come back? Hmmm Just a thought. I thought about doing the whole NC but I can't so I keep her there but too close either.

[Romefalls19]

Personally, NC only works if you want to move on and heal. If you are trying to win her back, then NC isn't the solution, nothing is. She will have to want to come back on her own. But I don't see why people would go back to their ex, after just a week of NC, I saw how messed up my relationship was and got happy about it ending.

[kctiger]

I would find it hard to be friends with someone I clearly had deeper feelings for. I think that is unfair to the friendship entirely.

I do not think there is a rock solid way to get someone back. The best thing to do is to be able to move on, get better, grow, learn and be yourself before, during, and after a relationship. If you can do that, you can have anything you set your mind to. The key is to not lose yourself, as fighting hard for someone who doesn't want you, is a sure fire way to lose yourself.

[jmw0713]

There is no defined process, plan, or procedure to get someone back.

The best thing to do is take what life throws at you, adapt, and overcome.

Get yourself happy by doing things that make you happy. Through that, you will meet others who like doing the same things and who are naturally attracted to you and your positive outlook.

I think many people confuse being friends with an ex with being CIVIL and MATURE with them. For example, Saturday, my ex and I were both invited by some friends to go to an MLB game. I had no clue she was even invited in the first place. When I saw her, I was definitely in shock.

Did I lash out and become a big baby? No.

Did I go into a-hole mode? No.

Did I go up and say "Hi", give her a hug, and see how she was doing? Yes.

Did I talk to her, act mature, civil, polite, respectful, and friendly? Yes.

Did I enjoy seeing her? Yes.

Did she enjoy seeing me? I don't know... I think so.

Did I still have a good time at the game, even though she was sitting right next to me the whole time? Yes.

Do I still have feelings for her? Of course!

Did I call her the next day and ask to hang out with her? No.

Do I want to call her and hang out with her? No.. not really right now, but if we run into each other while we are out, it won't bother me.

Are we friends right now? Not in my book, but that does not mean we never will be.

Are we civil, polite, and respectful to each other? Absolutely!

The point is, it is possible get along with an ex and still not be friends. Can everyone/should do this... No! I think that some people reach a certain point where they can, where others never get to that point (given how everyone's situation is unique).

However, I think is shows more about your character when you can be respectful, polite, and friendly when you see them, than it does trying to force a friendship along that will be clouded with old feelings and emotions, or being a complete jerk toward them. They're human with feelings, just like the rest of us.

Remember, NC is not a tool to get them back. NC is a tool to help you cope and move on. It doesn't have to last forever, but it has to practiced be long enough to get you to a point where you don't need that person in your life to be happy.

As far a pulling them back in... as the saying goes "only time will tell".

[jlove09]

Hey guys
Yeah I know what you mean by NC for growing and learning. I've thought about whole sorts of things to do, but in the mean time I am also doing things that I enjoy and I plan to keep her as a friend too. We still talk heaps and I know she doesn't just talk to a friend heaps. I've decided that I'll work hard and make myself a better person. I don't plan to hang out with her, maybe once a month. So, if she moves in the process of me just being around then yeah I'll call it quits or if I meet someone along the way then that's my luck... I don't think break ups always should lead to NC

[jlove09]

Jmw that was a nice approach :)

Yeah, me and my ex stll respects each other. For her late reply messages she says sorry and tells me what she was doing to send me a late reply. I guess she cares what I think still

[jmw0713]

Only she can make the decision to come back.

Be careful... You are forging a friendship with ulterior motives in mind. It's not going to work. Your feelings for her are still there. You are going into this friendship with the hope that she will take you back. Being in the Friend Zone is like being locked up in Alcatraz... hardly anyone escapes to the other side.

To approach a friendship with anyone in this way will usually lead to more emotional pain... when your plan to "pull" her back crumbles. Don't put you life on hold hoping and wishing for things to happen. You either make things happen or you don't.

[talaniman]

We still talk heaps and I know she doesn't just talk to a friend heaps

She does with you. Its dangerous to assume what people do, and why they do it. I think your keeping false hope alive.

I don't think break ups always should lead to NC

If you need to heal from the shock, disappointment, and confusion of a break up it does. That's what NC is all about, Healing.

But if your not hurt, then you don't need it. Just make sure that false hope, and denial, don't cloud your judgment.

[Romefalls19]

Puff Daddy said it best "Don't make an arse out of yourself, assuming"

Assuming gets you no where. It only leads to confusion and pain. Like when my fiancé said to me last night "If you want, you can do the dishes" I ASSUMED she meant "If you have a chance to do them, thanks" but I forgot and what she meant was "You better do the dishes or I am going to turn into Hitler and withhold what women normally withhold"

[jmw0713]

^^ I feel for you... they always use it as a tool and weapon to get what they want.