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88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

i'm surprised we none of us thought of that question sooner. even when i don't want to have sex with my boyfriend i usually like to cuddle up with him and kiss him...

I know I have been following this thread and just now it had hit me. He said she was like that with her other partners before him so maybe she is struggling inside with who she is. Maybe her sexuality is in question. No one knows but her.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2009, 11:52 AM

2) Well then she doesn't enjoy sex. (okay, why not?) Well it hurts..

3) Why does it hurt.. apparently she has a condition called vulvodynia (found out last summer.) Went to see a gynecologist, nothing they can really do about it.

So what HAS been done about it?? Do you know what it is? If she is still suffering, that's something to deal with.

Treatment for Vulvodynia Vulvadynia - Ask.com Search

Pain is not just physically debilitating, but mentally, and emotionally as well.

kochi · Jun 11, 2009, 03:01 PM

NO I don't think she is struggling with that, maybe.

So yeah when she found out she had this condition, she when to the doc (I offered to go) and was give some things, creams etc. but she never followed through.
I did research, found forums etc but was told that the only reason I was doing it was cause I wanted more sex, so I just let it go.

She gets this way because sex is extreeeeeemley painful, I get it, so I know I need to do things different too. But doesn't want to go together to counselor... or later or doesn't want to take about it. She was giver creams to stop the pain, but she don't use them.

If intercourse hurts, there are other things we can do, or you know evern it out. But no.

So its always an obstacle. Its always finding reasons things don't work, rather than how we can make it work...

Alty · Jun 11, 2009, 03:12 PM

After I had my son I went through a period were sex was indeed painful, uncomfortable, not bearable. I tried because I like sex, but the more we tried the more it hurt the more I didn't want it.

It became a self fulfilling prophecy, I expected it to hurt, was waiting for it to hurt so I would refuse.

I went to the doctor, nothing wrong, I'm fine, but it still hurt.

It got to the point were I really think that it was in my head. Not the first few times, that pain was real, but because it did hurt those first few times I expected it to hurt and it did. I wouldn't allow myself to relax and enjoy it because I was waiting for the pain.

I had to work through it, which I did. It helped that hubby is a very understanding man. He hated seeing me in pain so it was easy for him to stay away.

Having said all that, we still enjoyed oral sex because that didn't hurt and I felt so bad for denying him sex, I felt it was all my fault.

Your girlfriend needs help to overcome this, at the same time, she has issues that have nothing to do with the pain. No kissing, no touching, nothing, that says a lot.

You have to decide if you can accept this, if a sexless relationship is something you're willing to suffer through because really, she's the only one that can make this change, you can't.

Good luck.

Ren6 · Jun 11, 2009, 03:12 PM

Oral usually comes with the relationship package. I find it odd that she is not into any form of sexual intimacy. Even with her condition, there are ways both of you can find sexual satisfaction without penile penetration. That fact that she is unwilling to explore these alternatives is disheartening. Would you be willing to see a counselor with her? That's the only thing I can come up with. If things don't improve, I wouldn't stay. I know sex isn't everything, but it is a part of a healthy relationship.

Good luck...

justcurious55 · Jun 11, 2009, 03:31 PM

It sounded like he was plenty willing to see a counselor with her and she wouldn't let him...

Alty · Jun 11, 2009, 03:37 PM

This all sounds like much more then painful sex to me.

Take it from someone who was sexually molested and raped. She has issues that don't have anything to do with the pain of sex. I'd bet on it.

She needs counselling, otherwise this will never end, no matter what.

That's just my opinion though, I could be wrong.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2009, 04:21 PM

Did you read the links I gave you? Obviously not as you would have followed them to find out this condition goes way beyond just sexual intercourse, and the treatment goes beyond just a topical crème to alleviate the symptoms. It requires several follow ups, and consultations.

If you have not explored those options you need to.

I highly suggest you look beyond your needs, and wants, and focus on a way to communicate, and work together to solve your problems, so you both can benefit, grow, and enjoy each other and this marriage, fully, or else you don't have a marriage.

Your problem is the lack of communications, and the unwillingness to work together. Your tactics so far are inadequate in convincing her to talk, or work with you.

Advice- A week of fishing while you figure out a better strategy, without her influence.

Translation- Time away from each other.

Just me, I can go without sex when necessary, and have, I don't tolerate the non-communications as you are doing.

kochi · Jun 11, 2009, 04:54 PM

Hey Tal,

Please don't assume so much, I appreciate your input. But I have researched, I have even talked to people that have the condition. I have offered to go to counseling, got books, problem is "I am." I have tried and tried.

I do realize that it is about us, her and not just me and my wants. I get that. I have asked her, what would make her comfortable, we don't have to have sex every time, there are other ways, "we can work through it."
And this is not about sex or having sex... is about the fact that she hates sex and every time it comes up its awful thing for both of us.

"Just me, I can go without sex when necessary, and have, I don't tolerate the non-communications as you are doing."

Uhhh yeah, I can too, but this is not about going a week or a month without sex.

"Your problem is the lack of communications, and the unwillingness to work together. Your tactics so far are inadequate in convincing her to talk, or work with you."
Again, please do not assume, I have tried a lot of different things.

kochi · Jun 11, 2009, 04:57 PM

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Did you read the links I gave you? Obviously not as you would have followed them to find out this condition goes way beyond just sexual intercourse, and the treatment goes beyond just a topical crème to alleviate the symptoms. It requires several follow ups, and consultations.

Yes and I have many more too.

chancelord · Jun 11, 2009, 05:00 PM

I think it is very rude and immature to even think of that when u only have 4 days. It is stupid, seriously man, you're only 4 days with her, u don't want to ruin it too soon.

kochi · Jun 11, 2009, 05:15 PM

Whaaaaaat?

4years man.

jmjoseph · Jun 11, 2009, 05:26 PM

She has a medical condition that makes SEX painful, and that's horrible for you both. But how about the touching and kissing and other signs of affection? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this? Maybe she would be better off with someone who doesn't like sex or the rest. You love her and that's what makes this tough, but it sounds like this relationship is doomed. Good luck and GOD bless you both.

Ren6 · Jun 11, 2009, 07:55 PM

If she won't go to counseling, what else can you do? There are other ways you two could be sexually intimate, but if she's unwilling... you have all the reason in the world to leave. Really. You aren't a jerk for doing so. She seems completely unwilling to compromise.

kochi · Jun 11, 2009, 09:15 PM

She when to counseling for 3-4 sessions then quit... I guess she wasn't doing it for herself.

In a last ditch effort we are going together to counseling..
I had suggested that there are other ways to be intimate at least till we figure this out, "not its fine." But really its not and it shows.

SO hopefully counseling will help. I had once asked her why if, she hates to so much why she keeps doing it, and she said that she knows that to be in a relationship that she has to "submit." Obviously that is not going to work, not for me or any one else.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2009, 09:54 PM

No its not, and it hasn't so far. Counseling is good, as a third party may help.

kochi · Jun 11, 2009, 10:02 PM

Yeah, that's what I am hoping that some one, a professional can help or guide us to a solution, and if not at least well be on good terms, and not bitter and angry etc... I want this to be good either way... whatever the outcome.

Just is hard sometimes, to know what the right thing is.