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momincali · Oct 13, 2006, 11:11 AM

"I thought I was doing fine. I mean hell, I thought she was the one rushing things. I made quite a few posts about this girl. I mean, here are some signs I interpretted as saying "lets get more serious":

- invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK...pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

Pat,
I think that you chose to interpret these things to mean more than what they really were. Just because she asked for /invited you repeatedly doesn't mean you had to take her up on all of them. By accepting all those invitations, you lost control of the speed. It's kind of like a little kid with a bag of candy, can he eat all that candy in one sitting, yep! For 15 minutes, he'll be the happiest kid on the face of the earth, eventually, comes the stomach ache though. Should the parent allowed him to eat it all in one sitting, on an empty stomach (the empty stomach is like you after a multi year relationship) just because he could? Absolutely not. Now, the kid is blaming the parent for the stomach ache because they should have know beter.

No, she's not a child, and she should have also been mature and responsible enough to know that it was too much too soon. But she didn't and neither did you.

"All of these signs pushed me towards asking her to be official... even though I was hesitant. I like dating, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another one just yet."

Follow your instincts, they usually talk to your brain and not your heart.

I don't think its too late, just slow it down. Have fun, in moderation, cause a broken heart is a lot harder to heal than a stomach ache.

PatBateman · Oct 13, 2006, 11:34 AM

I do value the connection with another person over meaningless fun. I'd rather take a walk with someone and have good conversation than get drunk at a bar. Just the way I am. It's not that I'm insecure or don't know how to socialize... I just choose this versus that.

Yes, Momincali, it was my fault that I gave control of myself over to her. By accepting her invites every single time, without a doubt I gave the impression that "Hi, I have no life and no friends, and whenever you want to hang out I am free to hang out with you because I have nothing better to do!"

I'd like to go back to where we were, but I don't know if this talk has already messed things up. She's a cool girl and I'd hate to have ruined something that has potential to turn into a good friendship/relationship or whatever.

She went back home to California for a wedding and she'll be back on Monday. Starting NOW... I am not going to reply to any of her texts, and pretty much all of her phone calls are going to go to my mailbox, and I'll call her back a few hours or a few days later. I'm also stopping all AIM and e-mail convos... I think those type of convos are just unnecessary. It's phone or in person from here on out... on my terms.

I need to get my power and control of the situation back.

I'm also not going to ask her to hang out for a few months. She can ask me, and I'll tell her when I can or cannot make it. And I'm going to be sure to reject her a few times and cut our dates short.

Question is though... what if she calls me out on my new behavior? What do I say? For example, if she says something like "you've been avoiding me lately..what gives?" or "what have you been so busy with?"

She knows me enough by now to know that I'm not out every weekend socializing. So if I lie to her and say I've been chillin with this person and that, she'll know and call me out.

Tips?

talaniman · Oct 13, 2006, 04:49 PM

I just don't get how what we've done so far has been "rushing things"... I really don't. I've just been going with whatever she wants...

It only took 2 months to get a dog collar on you and chain you to the porch. Not her fault , yours! If you must date then have several ladies and don't get serious for a year no matter what. You've been doing a lot of chasing UGH! Too Available UGH! UGH! And too obedient AAARRGH! Is it possible to do something else on the weekends like golf?

PatBateman · Oct 13, 2006, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

It only took 2 months to get a dog collar on you and chain you to the porch. Not her fault , yours!! If you must date then have several ladies and don't get serious for a year no matter what. You've been doing a lot of chasing UGH! Too Available UGH! UGH! And too obedient AAARRGH! Is it possible to do something else on the weekends like golf?

What's the best way to remedy the situation while saving face and getting the girl? I did fall into it too quick because I think I'm still in LTR mode. Hard to get out of, but I'm trying. Met this chick a little too soon, but this kind of stuff is never planned.

momincali · Oct 13, 2006, 05:53 PM

Yeah, she will call you on the carpet about your sudden lack of availability, and she may not like it all that much, even though she warned you. I think you need to be honest without spilling your guts.

Tell her that you gave this some thought and realized you guys were moving way too fast. Tell her that you understand why she would think that you have no life, but that it's not true. Tell her that you need to get back to it cause you've realized that although being with her is great, you need to spend time alone and with those you've neglected. Also, let her know that it doesn't change your feelings for her, you still really like her and you look forward to lots of fun times.

This should be the only time you explain this to her. If she hounds you about it later, change the subject, have fun with her, cause all she's trying to do is get you to change your mind, even though its not in the relationships best interest. It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

talaniman · Oct 13, 2006, 08:24 PM

Originally Posted by PatBateman

What's the best way to remedy the situation while saving face and getting the girl? I did fall into it too quick because I think I'm still in LTR mode. Hard to get out of, but I'm trying. Met this chick a little too soon, but this kinda stuff is never planned.

Did you plan to give in to her every wish? Hey look Pat you've been here long enough to know the routine , back off be less available and nothing serious for a year. There real simple. Just because she has an idea doesn't mean you carry it out. How about simple dates like quick dinners and home movie and home. Stay out of positions where you know your weak. You need time to get yourself on solid ground with you after the death of a 6 year relationship. Why focus on one female anyway that's what I feel is a red flag for you now. Its like your trying to replace what you once had. Forget it . That is over and now you must make the effort to know you well enough so you won't fall for any tricks or traps and can put YOUR interest first. Forget the girl get PAT.

PatBateman · Oct 13, 2006, 09:53 PM

I think in many ways I'm trying to replace what was lost. I miss deep conversation, someone's hand to hold, and someone to cuddle up and watch TV with. At the same time, I know this girl isn't my ex and cannot serve as a replacement. She has her own thoughts, fears and desires and whatnot. I know this. I just met this new girl at a bad time... she's a good person, and many of her attributes match mine... totally honest with myself here. She's got some potential. I just need to make sure she doesn't turn into a rebound... and I think that is what she's trying to do too... nobody wants to be used as a method of getting back at someone else.

Originally Posted by momincali

Yeah, she will call you on the carpet about your sudden lack of availability, and she may not like it all that much, even though she warned you. I think you need to be honest without spilling your guts.

Tell her that you gave this some thought and realized you guys were moving way too fast. Tell her that you understand why she would think that you have no life, but that it's not true. Tell her that you need to get back to it cause you've realized that although being with her is great, you need to spend time alone and with those you've neglected. Also, let her know that it doesn't change your feelings for her, you still really like her and you look forward to lots of fun times.

This should be the only time you explain this to her. If she hounds you about it later, change the subject, have fun with her, cause all she's trying to do is get you to change your mind, even though its not in the relationships best interest. It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

Wow... I really appreciate this post. Totally makes sense, and extremely helpful!! Yeah, after several missed phone calls and a few denied date invitations she's going to ask me why I am taking it to the extreme or something like that... I know that is coming. I really like your idea about telling her how our conversation caused me to think, etc. if and when she asks because this way I regain control and steer whatever it is that we have in a direction under my watch. The power is back in my hands. Perfect!

talaniman · Oct 14, 2006, 04:24 AM

TWO months is too short of a time to get carried away.

s_cianci · Oct 14, 2006, 04:52 AM

Do exactly like she says ; show her that you're not always too available, etc. You're busy and have a life. Take up a new hobby or something to fill up some of your weekends when you're not just "eating, sleeping, working and working out." Keep in mind that a lot of women will come on hot and heavy at the beginning but don't misinterpret that as a sign that "I'm ready to get serious." Just go along with it and enjoy yourself but also allow plenty of time between dates so she doesn't get the impression that you're a "wuss." "Few but intense" should be your motto when dating someone new, meaning don't see each other too often but have a blast when you do.

PatBateman · Oct 14, 2006, 06:49 AM

Yeah, I realize all of this now.

I'm the new kid on the block here... being away from the dating scene for 6 years has really handicapped me. But I'm learning through experience, and of course, from you guys.

I am beginning to think that based on my past and recent experience with the ex, and my general state of being right now, I was misinterpretting her and simply seeing something that wasn't even there.

I'm going to do exactly what you guys said and what momincali said to say if she asks me about it. Time to gain back my power and control!!

talaniman · Oct 14, 2006, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by PatBateman

Yeah, I realize all of this now.

I'm the new kid on the block here...being away from the dating scene for 6 years has really handicapped me. But I'm learning through experience, and of course, from you guys. I hope you all don't mind all my crazy posts...haha.

That's really the best way to learn if your heart can stand it. As for the crazy posts?? They aren't crazy and I got nothing else to do. (addicted to forum) Watch out or you'll get hooked too, trust me.:D

PatBateman · Oct 14, 2006, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

Ooh, I just read this. I missed it before.

Why would she do that?

Wildcat21 · Oct 14, 2006, 11:45 AM

Mom - GREAT RESPONSE!! I've seen this os many times.

talaniman · Oct 14, 2006, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by PatBateman

Ooh, I just read this. I missed it before.

Why would she do that?

Its called CONTROL.

PatBateman · Oct 14, 2006, 02:42 PM

She's trying to control me you mean? So let me get this straight... when you're dating someone, it's all about playing the game as to who controls who? And the dominant one gets what as the prize?

Sorry, might seem like a dumb question but I'm still learning.

talaniman · Oct 15, 2006, 12:01 AM

She is controlling the relationship and its is moving too fast. I can't say its intentinal but you by giving in to her wishes have brought this about. She's calling the shots here and you are letting her, bottom line.

invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK... pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

Sometimes you have to politely say no or some similar phrase instead of going along with her program. That's why YOU need a program since she is all too willing to lead.

Skell · Oct 15, 2006, 03:48 PM

How about Pat completely givinh up women for a while until you are comfortable with yourself.
You have addmitted that one of the mian reasons your with this women is to replace what you lost when your 6 year relationship broke down.
That is so unfair on her and you. It won't work.
Its called a rebound and we never see them work.

But other than that just take tal and mom's advice here. They have gioven you some great stuff.

You will be fine. I just think you need some time to heal and get over the 'death' of the last relationship.

I know how much it hurts and how long it can take to feel better.

You shouldn't rely on being with someone else to make you happy!! Not healthy at all!

PatBateman · Oct 15, 2006, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

She is controling the relationship and its is moving too fast. I can't say its intentinal but you by giving in to her wishes have brought this about. She's calling the shots here and you are letting her, bottom line.

Sometimes you have to politely say no or some similar phrase instead of going along with her program. Thats why YOU need a program since she is all too willing to lead.

So it's her fault for rushing it then. How can she blame me if she's the one who has been in control all along? Yes, I'm at fault for saying yes all the time, but still.

momincali · Oct 16, 2006, 08:20 PM

It would only be her fault if you were deaf, dumb and blind. Got to share the responsibility on that one, you're not 7 years old Pat, I think you knew she was driving the car but you didn't mind until she wrecked it...

She is trying to control it, why? Because she can. Don't let her. Take back control. You call the shots.

PatBateman · Oct 16, 2006, 08:56 PM

I do plan on taking back control... but I think she'll have to contact me first. As of now, I'm just moving on, assuming it's over. That conversation we had was pretty intense last week... really talked about hot issues straight up. It was one of those convos that I would dread... even when I had been dating my girlfriend for years. One of those "we need to talk" convos... lol.

If she contacts me, I'll take back control for sure. But I don't know if she will.

This is going to make things really weird for me if she just stops talking to me. When I visit my buddy, I'm going to have to deal with this crap... for the next 3 years. But it's not like I'm going to stop hanging out with my friends. She's just one girl in that social circle. Whatever.