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kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 08:47 AM

I love her a lot, and that's the part the hurts... that you do and try so hard.

I am always cranky, and upset.

On the one hand you thnk to yourself, do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life?

Then you think about how you care for someone...

nikosmom · Jun 10, 2009, 08:48 AM

Hmm, you really have to decide what you want out of the relationship. The truth is, sex is a part of a healthy relationship (whether you wait until you're married or not). But my point is, that if it bothers her so much, what about when you're married?- it's not going to change.

I don't think I could be with someone that wasn't willing to have sex with me. And especially if she thinks you're disgusting. I know that it's important to me and definitely couldn't see myself planning the rest of my life under those conditions.

You seem to have tried a lot of different things to make her more comfortable and if she's not willing to meet you halfway you have to decide.

I'll be the first one to ask this:... Let it be said that I don't condone cheating but 4 years is long enough... do you really think you could stay faithful to her for the next 50 years or more and not have sex regularly?

Plus I'm bothered by the fact that there's no other signs of affection which are equally important in a loving relationship.

justcurious55 · Jun 10, 2009, 08:49 AM

NVA.org - Treatment

You might have already seen this since you mentioned you started researching it yourself. You don't sound like you're getting ready to pack your bags so if you're planning to stick around and still want to work to marriage maybe, you should seriously consider couples counseling.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 08:58 AM

Thank a lot folks for the responses. I am not sure what to do anymore.

I found tons of books forums etc but nope, don't want to go there.

Its not like I do not get sex, It usually works like this. I have to ask for sex around dinner time, no later cause that pisses her off, (if you want it just ask is what I'm told if were are in bed and I touch her!) Then its usually lay there and "get it over with." If I try to kiss or touch, no! If I go more more than 10mins... hurry.

I know what I want out of the relationship, but clearly its not going to happen.

I have never cheated in any relationship... don't believe in it. But I actually thought about it.. just don't have sex with her that way we can be together and be happy... and they just get my needs. NUTS

roxypox · Jun 10, 2009, 09:19 AM

I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your position... I'd feel hurt and rejected. If I touch my boyfriend and he said; hey you want it you have to ask (of course it would be diff for me seeing as I'm a gal and would have a boyfriend... ) but if it did seem that he'd want sex with me at all... well that would be hurtful.

When I read all your posts it just makes me wonder of a couple of things

1. Has she lost interest and you're just there for companion? (seeing as she wasn't like this when you were dating)
2. Has she ever been abused?
3. suffered a trauma that has made her feel like this?
4. Is she depressed?
5. Why does she stay with you?

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by roxypox

I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your position.... I'd feel hurt and rejected. If I touch my bf and he said; hey you want it you have to ask (of course it would be diff for me seeing as I'm a gal and would have a bf....) but if it did seem that he'd want sex with me at all... well that would be hurtful.

when I read all your posts it just makes me wonder of a couple of things

1. Has she lost interest and you're just there for companion? (seeing as she wasn't like this when you were dating)
2. Has she ever been abused?
3. suffered a trauma that has made her feel like this?
4. Is she depressed?
5. Why does she stay with you?

Im wondering the same thing..
1) It certaily feels like it. When I asked her how come this was not an issue when we were dating she said that it was the only way she could get close to me.
2)Well her conditioned (that she has dealt with her whole life and is just now coming out with it.) SO now she has psychological blocks too.
3) I think 2.
4) She says she loves me. (its the only reason she hasn't left)

roxypox · Jun 10, 2009, 09:30 AM

I'm going to Google her condition.

But do you feel its worth it in the long run? To have a girlfriend that doesn't want to be toched, or kissed, given oral, have sex, and so on?

Personally I don't think that sex is the biggest part of a relationship, but it is important (to me personally) that the sexual part of a relationship is satisfying for both of the people involved.

talaniman · Jun 10, 2009, 09:31 AM

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

You have put in 4 years, and tried everything you could. She will not change. Either you do, or accept this behavior for the rest of your life.

Doubt seriously if it gets better.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 09:35 AM

Tl,

That's what I am thinking.. there is always another hoop to jump through. And its getting worse... I feel like I change, but then its always something else, shave, then enter this way, now hurry, no I'm not doing that...

It hurts. I work extremely hard, we have no money problems, big house etc, good jobs, good family, but no one is happy...

roxypox, I have researched it.. and apparently was only doing it so I could get more sex...

roxypox · Jun 10, 2009, 09:41 AM

Well, even though you might love each other. It seems that you need to decide whether this is worth it... how many hoops will you have to jump through?

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 09:48 AM

You. Its tough .
You believe in things, you love things and then you wonder why.

So it is normal then to as for oral?

Holly23 · Jun 10, 2009, 09:49 AM

Its not rude.Maybe she's waiting for you to ask?

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 09:52 AM

I did, and her response was "EWWW. NO!"

Holly23 · Jun 10, 2009, 09:54 AM

Well then there's nothing you can really do ha!ask her to do it once and if she still doesn't want to do it after that then leave it..

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 09:56 AM

Lol yea.
I'm just going to drop the whole freaggin thing. Im not even going to ask for intimacy... what's they point, if someone hates it with you.

Why make people do things they do not want to do.

Holly23 · Jun 10, 2009, 09:57 AM

She obviously doesn't hate intimacy with you if she's having sex with you?

roxypox · Jun 10, 2009, 10:00 AM

Well... true... why do it if they hate it with you... gosh. I would have flown of my hences if I was with someone who hated it with me... intimacy, sex etc...

I guess you can't do anything to fix this, seeing as she has the issues that she has. All you can really do is either go or stay.

roxypox · Jun 10, 2009, 10:01 AM

Holly23: She obviously doesn't hate intimacy with you if she's having sex with you?

Holly you need to read ALL of the posts not just the ones on the last page!!

88sunflower · Jun 10, 2009, 10:47 AM

In my guessing this relationship will not last. It just won't. Eventually your going to resent her more and more because of how she treats this subject and you may crack and cheat. You don't know. You just can't predict the future. You sound like a great guy with a lot to offer and I only hope it changes for the better or you get the strength to make the choice and move on. Your way to young to have this kind of limited sex life.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 12:30 PM

That's what I feel like, something's got to give, and I do not want to feel like or become a bad person.

I know I am not perfect by any means, I try to be fair and do the right always.

That's part of the problem too is that is just not satisfying...