[paigerwaiger94]

I have to write a tearjerking story for my sophomore english class. I really need an A. So I was hoping that you could tell me whether I needed to keep going... or just throw this away and start over. Please leave comments. Thanks.

Chapter One. A horrid discovery.
My head was spinning. I had no clue what I could do. My little girl was laying on the couch in front of me. I could hear the sirens now. They were probably just a block away. I looked through my tears, and out the window. The anger I felt made my thoughts jumbled, and it was hard to speak. I hadn't really had all the details yet. All I knew was that my baby girl had been hurt, and old Keith Robinson found her down by the river. He carried her back to our house, and that's where I am now. Still waiting on a bus. I pulled my little girl into my lap, and wiped the tears off her cheeks. My hands came away with red on them. I cried for my little girl. There wasn't anything I could do. By this time, the bus was here. I carried her out, and they loaded her up. My co-worker was right behind them, in one of the squad cars. In a town this small, you only needed two cops, most of the time. This would raise our crime rates for the next decade. The tall white man stepped out of the car. "Chris!" he shouted. Tommy came running at me, full speed. "What the hell happened to Lexi?" he stopped just short of me, and put his hand on my shoulder. "I dont know," I replied in a monotone. "Keith found her by the river." I realized that I had tears running down my face. "C'mon, We'll follow them." He pulled me gently toward the car. Tommy was a big guy. Probably six three, six four. Maybe. He didn't have a problem getting me into the squad car.
When we got to the hospital, everything had finally sunken in. My little girl was hurt. Badly hurt. Somebody had done this to her. My blood boiled under my skin. We sat in the waiting room for at least two hours. I guessed they were still working on my fifteen year old daughter. "So what happened Chris?" Tommy was still sitting right beside me. He hadn't taken one step away from me since we got here. I appreciated that. "She went down to the river to swim, at about ten today. Keith came down the road carrying her about four. I dont know what happened." My voice finally broke on the last sentence. Right after this, a doctor came in. I could tell by the look on his face that it wasn't good. "Mrs. Bonds, Im so sorry. There was nothing we could do. Shes gone." My knees buckled, and I was headed for the floor. Tommy grabbed me just as I was going down. The doctor gave me a sympathetic look, and walked out of the room. "No! No! Not my little girl! Not her! Not Lexi!" I screamed through my tears. Tommy was just standing there, holding me up. I pounded my fist against his chest, in an effort to get him to let me fall. I realized that I was making a fool of myself, and tried to suck it up. I stood upright, and leaned against a wall. Still sniffling, I turned to Tom. I tried to make my voice as dangerous as I could, and I sent daggers with my eyes. He knew what I wanted before I even said anything. He nodded, and walked out the door. I staggered on weak legs to the elevator. I knew that they would have her in the morgue by now. A stab of pain shot through me as I realized that I was thinking of my little girl, the way we thought of victims we didn't know. That was the only way I could handle it. After this, I would go back to the station, clock out, and get ready to head home. Once I was home... I put my hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs. I couldn't lose it now. I heard the ding, and the doors opened. I stepped out, and headed for the autopsy room. I had to see her before... I opened the door, and believe me, I wasn't ready for what I saw. My little girl, my Lexi, was laying on a stainless steel table.
Looking at her face, my stomach started doing flips. My face crumpled, and the tears started falling harder. I walked forward, and took a better look. Her favorite red dress was torn, and bloody, over her black and red bathing suit. Her top was still attached, but her bottoms were gone. A flash of anger bolted through me at that. Her hair was down, and in her face. Still wet from swimming. There were chunks of dirt, and grass all in it. I tried to pull a few of them out, but then I realized that I might be compromising evidence. I stopped, and took a step back. I reached up with my hand to cover my mouth. Running for the trashcan, I knew I wouldn't make it. As I got sick, I didn't stop running. As I reached the trashcan, I pulled my hair behind me, and fell to my knees. I wanted to die too. My body shook with the sobs that racked me. I realized how tired I was. Before I gathered my energy to get up, I was out.
When I woke up, I tried to remember where I was. I still had my eyes closed, and I realized that there was someone holding onto my hand. In a flash, it hit me. I pulled my knees into my chest, and yanked my hand back from the unknown holder. I didn't want to be comforted right now. I wanted to lay down and cry. I wanted my little girl, and I wanted Tommy. I opened my eyes, and rolled over to face my visitor. As I rolled over, I realized that I was laying on the couch at the station. My face crinkled with unshed tears. Tommy was sitting on a chair, next to the couch, his massive frame looking like he might break the small chair. My sobs were dry. I guess I had no more tears left to cry, for now. I didn't feel anything, but grief for my little girl. She was only fifteen years old!! Some of the grief resided, but it was replaced with anger. Wordlessly, Tommy picked me up off the couch, one arm behind my neck, one behind my knees. I felt like a little rag doll. He carried me out to my truck, and put me in the passenger side. We both knew that I was in no shape to drive. When he got in the drivers seat, he pulled me to where I was leaning against him. Not only could I not fight him, I didn't want to. Didn't have the strength to.
As we pulled into the gravel drive, I whimpered. He patted my shoulder. "Shh. It's okay." But I knew it wasn't. It would never be okay again. When he got out, I just slumped against the seat. I didn't really want to go in. He came around to my side, and opened the door. He pulled me against him, and grabbed me from the truck. "C'mon darlin'." He carried me the rest of the way up the drive, up the porch steps, and stopped in front of door. With one hand, he reached up above the door, and grabbed the spare key. With a few quick motions, he had the door open, and was walking me through. He sat me down on the couch. I couldn't feel anything now. I wondered glibly if I had been drugged. I was so empty. None of the grief or the anger remained. Nothing remained. Somewhere far off, I heard the water running. In less time than I thought possible, he was beside me again."C'mon Chris." I tried to stand up, but I couldn't move. My legs weren't responding. He sighed, and picked me up again. "It's alright darlin'." He walked me to the bathroom, and sat me down. The water looked inviting. Suddenly, I had control of my body again. "Thankkkk yyy-ou. T-T-Tom-m-my." I shivered. "S-s-sor-r-ry about-t-t al-l-l-l th-h-hat." I choked out. "It's alright Chris. It's alright." he said. I was embarrassed that I couldn't walk myself up my own damn driveway. He must have seen the blush staining my cheeks. His hand found my face, "Dont worry about it.". I was glad I had a friend like Tom. "I'll wait downstairs," he said as he walked out of the room. He already had my nightgown, and towel laying on the vanity table. I undid the bottons on my top with numb fingers, and took off the rest of my clothes, without taking my eyes off the water.
My bath was over far to soon. But I knew that if I stayed in longer, I ran the risk of falling asleep. And that was something I didn't want to do. I got out, and dried myself off. Looking at the clock, I realized that it was almost eight ocklock. We would normaly be finishing dinner about now. I shook my head, as if to shake the thoughts out of my brain. I unlocked the door, and stepped into the hall. I knew Tommy would stay, if I asked him too. I was just to ashamed to ask.
When I went downstairs, I smelled the food. He had ordered pizza. It was then that I realized how hungry I was. Lexis would have been happy. I took a deep breath, and tried not to think of that. I walked into the kitchen to find him sitting at the table, crying. Once he saw me, he wiped his eyes, as quick as he could. Lexi was his daughter too. It hurt me to see him like this, but I knew I probably didn't look any better. I had to be strong, for him.
Chapter two: The past.
Thomas Wilson and I met when we were in high school. He was a senior, and I was a freshman. He was on the football team, and I was a cheerleader. No one was surprised that we were together. It wasn't an issue, in this town. We dated all through my high school years. He stayed in town, and got a job as a mechanic. Right out of high school, I moved in with him. My parents dissaproved, wanting me to go to college. But I was young. I wanted to go my own way. I was nineteen, and he was twenty three. I loved him with all of my heart. When I was twenty two- I got pregnant. By this time, we had been together almost eight years. We planned to get married, but it didn't work out. The stress of a new job (police deputy), and the stress of a baby on the way sent him over the edge. He came home drunk one night, and we got into a fight. All it took was for him to hit me one time. He pushed me, and slapped me across the face. I had always promised myself that I wouldn't stay with an abusive man, and I didn't intend on breaking that promise. So after nearly a decade, of being with him, I left. It tore me up. He was my first... my first everything. He was the only thing I knew. So I moved in with my mom. Tommy would call me every night, but I made it clear that I wasn't coming back. I told him I would settle for being his friend, but the minute he hit me, he lost my heart forever. Cheesy, I know, but is sobered him up, for good. About two months later, Alexis Marie was born. Tommy and I were never actually married, so she took my maiden name of Cooke. In less than a year, Tom had made chief of police. That was when there were three. I bought the old miller place, and got a job at the grocery store. I would work on the house, go to bed, wake up, take Lexi to my mothers, go to work, go get Lexi, go home, work on it... then start all over. Tom helped me as much as he could. I was still to proud to accept child support, and besides, I didn't want there to be any way that Lexi could find out who her father was. I still remember the night I told Tom that he wouldn't be Lexi's father. I had never seen him so hurt, but he still loved me enough to comply.
"Look Tom. I'm having this baby. Not you. I know that you love me, and I know that you love her. But you will not be the father of this child. I'm sorry. I want to ask you to be the god father, of MY daughter, and to be My best friend. I know theres no one else who would love us like you. Please."
At the end of my speech, we were both crying. I wanted to take it back, but I knew that I wouldn't. I was to stubborn to do that. To proud. So to Lexi, he was always: Uncle Tom. He was the closest thing she had to a father. And he WAS my best friend. I never told Alexis that he was her father. And as much as he hated me for that, he never told her either.
Now it was too late.
Chapter three.
Looking.
The next day, I woke up in my bed. The horrid events of yesterday washed over me in a cold wave of nausea. I ran for the bathroom. After emptying my dinner into the toilet, I tried to clean myself up. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and my hair, and put on some make up. Today, I had to make the funeral arrangements. I put on my game face, and got ready to go downstairs. I tried to detach myself, as much as I could. This wasn't my kid, it was someone else's. I had done these things before. I could do it now. I sucked in a sniffle, and walked down the stairs.
The smell of coffee greeted me as I stepped into the living room. The place looked different. There were already flowers covering almost every solid surface. I was overwelhmed by it all. It was only then that I wondered about the time. As I looked at the clock, I realized that there was something wrong with me. It was almost four in the afternoon. This house had probably been full of people all day. There were cakes, and brownies, and bears, and cards all over the place. "Tom?" I called out tentivly. He came out of the kitchen, handing me a cup of coffee. I was greatfull. "Thank you." I said, tiredly. "Did you stay all night?" I knew the answer, but I still wanted to hear it from him. He didn't say anything. He just nodded. I sat down on the couch, with my cup in my hands. It was a clear, sunny day. The kind of day my Lexi would have loved. At the thought of her, two loose tears escaped my eyes. I could have sworn that they were locked up tight. I guess not. Tom sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I felt like tearing my hair out, and crying my eyes out. But I would wait until I was alone for that. Crying was a weakness, and I didn't want anyone to see it. If I had any control over it, no one would.
I stood up, and walked toward the kitchen. I opened the door on the left of the sink, and pulled out a thick stack of thank you cards. These were for Lexis birthday, which we never got to have. So I would use them now. I grabbed a pen, and walked back in the living room. I gathered all the cards I could find, and anything else that had a name on it. I sat them on the table, and opened the pack of thank you cards.



For length reasons, I had to cut out the last two chapters. I know that its still very long. If you took the time to read it... your amazing...

[JudyKayTee]

I liked it - College English Major that I was - but I thought it was too long (is there a requirement that it be a certain number of words) and you definitely need to run a spell check.

Did I find it to be a tear jerker? No, sorry, I did not. That doesn't mean I didn't read every word, right up to the end. It just didn't strike me as a tear jerker.

Some of it I thought was unnecessary (the whole Police Department angle) but, again, I did like it.

Is this an odd mix of criticism? I read many things which are posted here and do not respond for fear of being too critical. I think with a little clean up here, you'll have something!

[Eileen G]

It's a story with a huge amount of potential as you've written it, but it's not a tear jerker, more like a police thriller.

To go for the teary effect, I would focus more on the pain and terror that Lexi must have suffered, and the tragedy of the waste of a young life. Less on the details of who did or said what or when the mother cried. Have a few telling details, but keep them tight.

[paigerwaiger94]

Thank you guys, just let me know if you would like to read the rest of my story and I'll send it to you.