[feelslikeimgone]

I'm not sure what lead me to feeling like this today, it was probably because I had a bad response to something that I had organised and planned. No one else thought it was bad apart from this one person.
I'm not very good with rejection and failure. I wish there was a point in my past where I could pinpoint where this came about. But I think it's because of my mother (I think I have sorted out my relationship with her, but just not the issues that she left me with)
My mother's sister was murdered 3 months before I was born, but previous to this her father had killed himself, her mother was murdered 30 years before, but on the same day as her sister, and so she was in care from 4 to 16, in and out of homes (some awful ones). Due to the event's surrounding her sister, when I came into the world she wasn't quite ready. She went into a hospital for about 3 weeks according to my dad as her depression hit rock bottom and no one could help. I was also very ill at about 8 months I with a heart murmur. Throughout my whole life my dad was the person that I could turn to, when I found out what death was, when I hurt myself. Even though I wanted my mum and would try her first, she delved herself into her OU course, so I became the person that when I knocked for her, she would tell me to come back later. She was never there for school plays or anything important like that (if you have young children and your not there, I promise you that they do remember).
About 7 years ago I saw the way mum was when we went through a really bad patch. I was at uni and I got beaten up by a crowd for no reason. It was away from home, and when I phoned mum she was more upset than me about the event. For about a month or two after I became quite lonely and thought far too much. I was going home every few weeks or so because mum wanted me to. I went home for christmas and was going to tell mum how sad I was and so literally I began to cry, but then she interrupted and told me about how sad she was and how I needed to come home. I can remember feeling stunned. 'this was supposed to be about me not you'. This down patch lasted for about 3 months. She cried constantly, I had to go home every two weeks, she did this pacing walk where she would just keep walking round and round the house until she exhausted herself. I used to try to step in front of her, I was confused and frustrated that it was all about her. After this and ever since I've been so worried that somehow the depression will seep into me. Some other members of my family suffer with it too.
About two years ago, I went home for a night and the next morning woke up really early and started talking to mum. Began about nothing but after about an hour somehow came round to us, growing up and how I felt. I was in counselling at the time so we talked about why. I told her everything above, she said she was sorry and I believed her, she is a great mum, just has an awful past.
All the issues I have I tend to think they may come from here, but then they have to come from somewhere right?
I am bad with failure/rejection
I'm constantly paranoid I'm going to end up with depression
Since 13 I go from one guy to the next, always craving that first initial contact then I get bored. My poor current boyfriend. We've been together almost two years and I'm seriously struggling to keep with him. He is brilliant and cares for me, but I dream of other guys. It's not just the ones I found attractive, it now every single guy that I see I wonder if he's the one that'll stop me being this way.
I've got to this point in my life now where I should be starting to settle, to get a career, to start achieving things. But I can't. I let people down and I'm not sure how to change and scared of ending up like my brother, 40 and not in a relationship.
The tears have stopped. It's all come out. Even if no one has a comment I'm glad to have gotten it all out. I just typed into Google 'i need to talk' and it seems to have worked. No 3 month or so waiting list for some nhs nurse to tell me I'm fine and it's all in my head!

[Clough]

Hi, feelslikeimgone!

What's the one thing that you would say is troubling you the most? Also, what sort of good things are going on in your life, and what sort of things do you look forward to doing?

Thanks!

[feelslikeimgone]

Mm, I think that I would say that my relationship issues are the ones that sit there and niggle away everyday. It's like tues he wants to come visit, and I really want to see him, but at the same time I really don't. It's so confusing.
The good things are my love of books, and my dreams of what my future holds. Just need to put the dreams into execution. They are kind of conventional like learn to speak a language, learn how to cook a roast! :D go travelling and marvel at the wonders of the world that I see in documentaries.
My friends also, they are the best. All very different personalities and who will be there always as I will for them.
Thanks Clough for asking me that, it made me smile to think about the answers.

[Clough]

Hi again, feelslikeimgone!

It's good to see you writing some positive things!

Are you still in school?

Thanks!

[Clough]

Are you still there, feelslikeimgone?

[feelslikeimgone]

Yes I'm here.
No not at school. Graduated from university two years ago. Reading back on my writing it reads like I'm a student, may need to work on that!

How about you?

[Clough]

I graduated from college in 1980. Do you play a musical instrument and/or sing?

Thanks!

[cozyk]

Hey Feelslike, I'm glad you came on here to talk. It does help just getting it all down on paper doesn't it? Or should I say, on screen. Kind of cleansing. I would never say this is in your head. It's in your heart. And it weighs heavy. I think it is so good that you finally had a chance to tell your mom how you feel. And I am so glad that you have good friends. They are priceless. I see that you are from thr UK. I am from Atlanta, Ga USA. Isn't it funny how we are all just the same. No matter what part of the world we are from. We are all just people, trying to make a life. What you described in your op , I have felt at times in my life. I don't have ant great solutions or revelations but I just chimed in to say I wish you well and I am glad you did not suffer in silence, but stepped out to get encouragement. Let us know how things are going from time to time.

[feelslikeimgone]

Hey Clough- I've played guitar and piano but these were years ago, always wanted to get back into it. Singing I'm not so great at, I love it and always singing along to music! How come you ask?

Hey cozyK,
Thanks for your reply, it was nice to read. It was amazing how I'd stopped crying by the end and suddenly felt about 100times lighter in myself. Definitely cleansing! My friends have heard me talk about my post loads of times so didn't want to bore them anymore. A friend from uni says that I'm very good at saying I'm fine but I'm actually not. I also know that what the feelings are are not limited to me. Because of growing up around my mum I'm quite sensible about emotions and know what they are and why they might be there.
So thank you and I wish you well also xx

[Clough]

Hey Clough- I've played guitar and piano but these were years ago, always wanted to get back into it. singing i'm not so great at, i love it and always singing along to music! How come you ask?

Hi again, feelslikeimgone!

I asked, because I was wanting to see if you would like to do an activity on this site with me that might help you feel better about things in general and you.

Thanks!

[Clough]

Comments on this post
Cozyk agrees: we can do activities together on here?

Hi, cozyk!

Sure we can!

Thanks!