[isolated]

I have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. He found me through an unknown phone call and we became friends. He liked certain things in me which he said matches to his. He used to give me so much of time and after maybe a week of our relationship he told me about his past that he had sexual affair with many girls in his past and left them. After hearing to that I was hurt but had faith in God and thought of giving him a chance that maybe he won't do the same thing with me. And trust me he did not. We opted for a living relationship. He introduced me to his mom and his family.He is a famous guy in our city and he gave me his identity after 1 month of our relationship. In between all of a sudden he started abusing me verbally and once he hit me too. Usually when he is pissed off at me he abuses me to hell using really really bad language.In between he had sex 3 times with one of his exes who is already married and has a daughter and did'nt even confess it to me. She knew about me somehow and called me and told me everything. He was sorry and I had forgiven him as I love him a lot. He had helped me in many ways,especially in my extreme financial help. He bought me an apartment and everything in there was from him. He cares about me only when I need him and tells me that he loves me a lot and would not let me go away leaving him. He comes home only when I ask him to or when there is a problem going on in our relationship. In between I had broken up with him and he asked me to give him a second chance. After giving a chance to him he had changed a lot and started loving me more. But I got that love only when I asked him for it. He behaves very selfish after fighting with me. He talks out his part but does not let me speak out mine.And when I try speaking out mine he insults me to hell.When I talk out he tells me that I am back answering him and when I keep quiet he tells me that I am pretending to give him a fake respect. Some days back he said that he is so stressed up with business that he doesn't get time to think about me or sex. He only apologizes for his mistakes when he is completely free and lonely. I was a very good medical student in my university but after being with him I failed a year and he blames me for that. I lost my friends and almost everything. After fighting with me and ruining my nights he sleeps keeping me awake all night or talks to his best friend and cheers up himself. Next day in the morning he will just send a sorry message saying that he is mentally disturbed due to his business where I am giving all the support I have to(no unnecessary fone calls or msgs). He is getting crazy to marry me but I am scared what if this gets worse after we get married. I am the first daughter of my family and they love me to hell. I am so confused whether I should continue with such a relation or no.He loves me to core but I cannot take that abusive part of his anymore and I am tired of asking him for care. Please help.

[poseidon]

Hi Isolated,

A lengthy reply I know but please try to read it.

You probably won't like what I have to say but from what you say this man is a total waste of space, a total control freak and you appear to be the victim, or at least one of them.

I personally hate seeing relationships ending but in this case it is totally one sided and can only result in much more heartache and misery for you if it is allowed to continue

I am wondering how popular this guy is with others and how he treats other people he knows. If they know how he is treating you, I doubt he is very popular, at least with the decent and caring people in your city

You say he loves you dearly. Is belittling you, physical hitting and mentally abusing you the signs of someone who loves you dearly?

You clearly have a great deal of love in you and want to give it, please give it to someone who deserves it and needs it.

Love is a two way deal which includes mutual respect, trust and a partnership between both of you. Although there is plenty of love on your side there appears precious little of it on his. Neither does he respect you, if he did he would not treat you the way he does. Also bearing in mind that you know he has already cheated on you, you obviously cannot trust him.

It seems to me that this guy is tearing you apart at the moment and if you continue your relationship with him you will end up with nothing but misery and heartache.

You love your parents and they love you, so sit down with them and tell them what is happening in your relationship with this person. I am sure they will sympathise with you and help you.

Breaking up with someone you really care for is one of the hardest things to do but I can promise you that you will get over it and hopefully find someone who will love you and be happy with the love you have to give.

I am afraid you are not the first girl to experience this type of relationship and neither will you be the last. Those who have gone through it before, have seen the light and ended the relationship, have got over it and are thankful they took the decision to end it.

I am however a little concerned as to how this guy will react if, or hopefully, when you end the relationship.

He gives me the impression that he may not take too kindly to it. Even so my advice must be that you MUST end this relationship quickly, or matters are likely only to get worse. If he sees that you are accepting the way he treats you at the moment he will feel that he can do so forever and this abuse is likely to get worse, not better.

He has already had another sexual relationship with one of his ex girlfriends that you know of. I would not be surprised if he has had more, with others. I am also convinced that he is using you as a convenience and only wants you around him when he sees fit and never takes your feelings or needs into consideration.

This I can promise you is not the guy for you.

I am wondering how or why he is famous in the city. Is he famous for his good deeds, money, rich parents, or is there a more unsavoury reason for his fame?

The fact that he is famous in the city where you both live is not important with regard to your relationship, but if he is that well known many people will know that he is going out with you and that he is 'stringing you along' and how badly he is treating you. Also they will probably be aware of what else he may be up to.

If you remain with this person I feel that what you are feeling now and the way he is treating you at the moment will only escalate if you allow him to get away with it.

You have said that this relationship has already affected your studies. I don't know if you are still studying but if not try to get back to them. If you are still studying, once you have ended your relationship with this guy, one way to start the healing process is to immerse yourself in your studies. This will also help you catch up with the time lost.

You are a young woman and you have your life and career ahead of you, please don't let a person like your current boyfriend spoil all this, and your life.

Please consider your relationship with this person and think about what the future holds if you don't end this relationship with him.

I would like to wish you the very, very best of luck with your decision and whatever that decision is I wish you happiness.

Finally you call yourself 'Isolated' but believe me although you may feel that way I can promise you that you are not. You have loving parents, relations and friends who I am sure will be happy to listen to you and help you. You also have friends that you don't know, the caring subscribers to AskMeHelpDesk like myself for example.

Thank you for reading this and I really hope I have been of help

John
(Poseidon)

[Kaitlyn1988]

Run like hell!!

[liz28]

This guy verbually and physically abuses you and done cheated on you 3 times--why do you stay? This isn't love.

His marrying you won't change a thing. It only changes your last name but he will still be the guy is with you today. Can you even imagine having kids and raising them in the same household as him?

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. A guy that hits you, puts you down, and cheat aren't good qualities in a guy. They should be enough to make you leave.

Oh course he saids he is sorry about he hits you and belittle you but yet he turns around and does it again. He won't change and you shouldn't stick around waiting for him to change. He knows he can treat you like crap and you will accept his crappy ways. Don't!

You deserve better but you have to realize that.

[snow124]

and once he hit me too.

All I needed to see. Leave him immediately.

[talaniman]

You don't need help, you need to leave, and keep him out of your life. Your right, marry him, and it will get much, much worse. Sorry means nothing if he continues the bad behavior.

Sorry, but you don't need him to be happy, when there are more mature, healthy guys out there. He ain't one of them.