[vanheart]

I have read them Tal, & I completely agree & have made small steps. I know that I will get stronger. I guess time and effort will do that. Sometimes the hurt sets me back.

[Romefalls19]

I got set back a lot! I was on my way to full recovery, was at the gym everyday, then 2 months into my NC, when I thought I was fine. My ex texted me "just heard you're moving to California, wanted to wish you good luck and maybe I'll come visit you!"

Set me back for a little, but I still keep trucking along

[vanheart]

I do recognize and due to my personality that I analyze. I do also understand that this right now is not about wondering, fixing this, getting answers. That's directed towards this and her, not really me. What's frustrating is that my understanding of that hasn't been enough for me yet to make that transition. I still feel heartbroken.

[vanheart]

Rome, its hard to fathom those motives and callousness. Hopefully after 2mo. It didn't hurt as much.

[Romefalls19]

Nah, a minor set back, but I had already seen that my life was better without her in it

A quote that I liked a lot

"And even on my worst day, I'll still be better off without you"

[vanheart]

That's a good one, thanks.

[taoplr]

...when new insecurities arise.

Our posts are "bumping into each other," so we are a little out of synch. I can't type fast enough to keep up with y'all!

My advice is not to analyze and apply logic. All the logical input you have been getting, while reasonable and healthy and sincere, can't touch the part of you that is enmeshed in suffering right now. That part is not logical.

My advice is to follow the feeling of insecurity inward, and let your unconscious mind reveal to you where it originates. You can do this by listening to your inner self, sensing the insecurity and relaxing everything around it, getting quiet and sensing a little deeper in your body, breathing to go deeper, relaxing some more, listening a little more deeply, breathing a little lower, getting more quiet, etc. until you can have direct contact with the part of you that feels insecure. It's not a very active process, but more like doing less and less while following a subtle trail.

The model I am proposing presumes that one's mind can be considered a community of parts, sub-personas that carry out essential functions and who work on behalf of the whole person (you). If you need, I can describe this model more, but the point is that you can address the part of yourself that is suffering and be your own catalyst for healing in the same way that the people here have been catalysts for you: through dialog.

But you can do what we can't: access your inner mind. You can establish a conversation with the part of you that feels broken. Not all of you feels broken, just a part, and the rest of you can be resources that nourish, protect, guide, and generally help heal that part. This will happen sooner or later inn the natural healing process, and through some inner listening and sensing (and asking good questions) you can make it sooner.

The procedure I'm pointing to is called reframing, and the system it comes from is NLP. (neurolinguistic programming) I can walk you through the reframing process, and the web is full of NLP data. Knock yourself out. There's a whole world to get into. (Note to other posters: you might enjoy some of the NLP stuff. It can prove very useful.)

So, the first step is to do a meditative sort of thing, to sit down and get quiet, and see if you can get a dialog going with yourself that can become dialog with a specific part of you. It doesn't have to be That part of you, just any part so you can experience talking with yourself without concluding that you are crazy.

When you get this going, it will seem like you are imagining the whole thing. On one level, you are. But from the perspective of that level, you (and the rest of humanity) are imagining all of the reality that we live in. Just go with it and talk with the parts of your mind that are inclined to talk with you. (BTW, everybody does this, just unconsciously most of the time)

The key moment is when you feel comfortable enough to ask, "Would the part of me that males me feel insecure be willing to communicate with me in consciousness?" and to just sit there and listen. You will get a verbal, visual, or kinesthetic (physical: either sensory, like a tightening of a muscle, or emotional, like a rush of euphoria) response. You might get no response that you can discern, and that in itself is a response. You might get a positive or negative message. (The first time I did this process—circa 1974—I asked the question and heard a loud voice in my head that said "F**k you! You haven't spoken to me since you were six years old. Why should I talk with you now?"

I apologized and slowly got a dialog going with that part of my mind. The task was to get him to know that I was no linger six, and that the trauma that caused me to create him was long gone. I didn't (HE didn't) have to do what he had been doing since that trauma occurred. It was like updating software.

Your task, if you so choose, is to become an ally and resource to the part of you that feels insecure, anxious, and not ready to stop suffering. This is bigger than the relationship recently lost. This is about how you shaped yourself as you were growing up. Be that part's greatest friend.

'Nuff for now.

Tao

[chuff]

"And even on my worst day, I'll still be better off without you"

Hit the "enter" button by accident on the rating. I meant to say, "that's a great quote."

[chuff]

I know that I will get stronger. I guess time and effort will do that. Sometimes the hurt sets me back.

I lift weights and building muscle is small steps but gets stronger the more you keep doing it. Sometimes I come home from the gym and I'm hurting as well. But it's not a set back, it's part of the process for growth and strength.

[slapshot_oi]

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

My mom sat me down and had me watch the The Secret. For those of you who don't know, it's an interview-type movie where people tell you how they got what they wanted because they kept thinking positive, had faith, and were patient (just like NC!); they essentially prayed for it;"the secret is a universal truth". It's not a secret and it bothers me that this clown Rhonda Byrne is making money capitalizing off people's emotions. Anyone will tell you that if you believe in yourself and have true faith, good things will happen, in least in my experience. True faith isn't a secret, it's just something everyone takes for granted.

I mention this because faith is the core to NC. Self-loathing and false-hope won't help, you need to realize this.

Just hang in there. The best way to get over someone is posting on this message board. Give other people advice so you to sort out your own emotions, it's how I made sense of my last two break-ups.

So yeah, maybe you should see The Secret, it'll at least give you something to go on.

[vanheart]

"until you can have direct contact with the part of you that feels insecure."

Thanks tao, that's a lot to soak in, but I'm understanding what you mean by inward.

[vanheart]

Slapshot, that's interesting you say that, I just chucked any and all materials I had re: The Secret. My ex got me into it. It hurt too much having that around especially given what transpired the week before she dumped me, I have always had many of those or similar core beliefs and never had to study as hard as she to practice them. I think she resented that and given the manner in which she did this...

[vanheart]

taoplr, just wanted to say that your post re: NLP has truly resonated with me, although hard to grasp at first. Did a little searching about the core and outcomes/methods and am now asking myself some serious questions. The first one which helps me with restlessness and anxiety, especially when I wake up is: What am I afraid of exactly? I have jotted down probably 20 questions and am answering in my head. I will post them when I have my responses. Gee, thanks! That helping very much.

[vanheart]

hey, just got home from a bbq with some really good friends. Was a nice time. I started to deteriorate, and started thinking about her what she's doing etc.. Went from jealously to anger then feeling so incredibly degraded and used. Can't seem to get it out of head out calculating and evil this all came down. She has been studying my weaknesses & chose exactly the worst way to make me hurt. I feel so devalued almost beyond comprehension, even though I know its her disorder. Hard to really grasp how someone can be like that. I just keep feeling like she is laughing all the way through this, and has lined up someone to take my place of 5 years for her personal fancy, however long. Im going to write those posts I promised answering my inner questions, but right now I feel like Im going to lose myself. She really knew how to do it, never felt this way before. Been running through my head our few short breakup conversations and the lying & deception of every word, through crocodile tears is coming to the surface. Im not even angry, don't even know how to describe my emotion. I guess it's the sudden pain of being stepped on by a narcissist.

[vanheart]

I feel like, for her,whether we lost contact or not didn't matter she knew how to keep me hurting in a clever way. In fact, this works her plan even more effectively than having to lie over the phone, and run the risk of me going up against her. So hard to believe. Sucky & devastating.

[vanheart]

In doing this exercise, from an outward and objective level, I have, in the question, included recounts in context of our relationship and breakup.

Thanks taoplr for turning me on...

Im hoping this will help my bad dreams & anxiety and my struggles between being lucid at times then suddenly helpless. Here goes:

I pinpointed & asked myself this simple question: Why am I afraid, exactly?

Q: Why am I afraid of losing her? (Thats almost a non-question)
A: You already have, you know that, in fact she lost you. You haven't lost anything but time, what you will gain will prove to be invaluable.

(Remember how she rarely gave back, and how she screwed you around so evily?)


Q: Why am I afraid of her being with someone better?
A: What is better? Better for her? Even if she is with or is searching for her ultimate, ideal man and attains that, its actually in a way meaningless, it's a trophy for her. Any well-adjusted man will most likely recognize that & see her coming a mile away. If not, she will find a way to discard that & move on to the next catch, or he will bail. That is no concequence to you. Nor should you let let enter your head. If they stay for any period, they will end up like me. If anything, you should be afraid for her next victim. Scratch that, why should you even care?

(Remember how she would say "I want us to be a hot couple" or "I want a bf to be this or that" Never in context of me, only what her "ideal" was.
Sick stuff.)


Q: Why I am I afraid that she will flaunt her new catch to me & everyone else?
A: She certainly will, to the people that matter to HER (which isn't really anyone, not even you at this point, she hiding her secret for now). You may never see. Stick to NC forever & you have nothing to worry about. Remember you don't really matter to her anymore, she's washed her hands and has found a new victim. Not even worth those thoughts.

(Remember how jealous she was of nice couples, even friends that had what she didn't? Would always comment on how stylish or rad some complete stranger was, her obsession with tabloids and "beautiful" people. Her frustration with her body & appearance even though nothing was wrong. But had no problem revealing everyone's flaws.)


Q: Why I am I afraid that her new boyfriend will be doing the special things we did?
A: They were never truly special to her, only you. And she surely will, she is a creature of habit in denial. BTW what do you care? Those places etc.. Are cool memories regardless of her, you always had and will have special times with or without her. Do what you enjoy & find special new times.

(Remember how she always found a way in fun times to about work, someone or something, only to turn it back around like it was my fault, she wasn't having fun. You walked on eggshells many times and went to sleep hurt many times wondering why.. )


Q: Why am I am afraid she is justifying her decision to friends & family & slamming me in the process?
A: She is. She's an exerienced liar, to protect herself. She can never make a wrong move. But again to no consequence to you. You know that now, and the friends & family that love you truly do, and always have.

(Remember how she would go on about all of the people she discarded & convince regret at the same time? Bfs, friends, family, many of which she had little contact with at all. In fact, some she still, in contradiction hangs out with. They threatened her & had to go.)


Q: Why am I afraid of her trying to contact me to hurt or suck me back in. (ie: try & get her belongings back)
A: Her belongings are way gone, in a landfill by now. If you practice NC, you have nothing to worry about. You may never see her again & be happy for that. Ewww.

(Remember how she always made a point of making you feel like she loved her place, yet discarded & paired things down to the point of zero sentiment, but couldn't feel at home at yours?)


Q: Why Im I afraid that I will be lonely with no intimacy?
A: You were for the most part lonely WITH her. She exhibited distance regardless of our respective cities. You have had great intimacy in the past. You will certainly again, don't force it, get your act together first.

(Remember the times when you felt like a guest or she made you feel like was doing you favor by being here after a bit of time went by? I was excited, she put on an act. Oh, there's also the sex that made you feel like it was obligitory at times or rushed, as she complained how "we need to spice things up" even though I always was initiating, willing & passionate.)

Q: I am afraid that this healing will take a long time.
A: That's up to you. You are on your way. You have an amazing support group here and with your close friends.

(Think of it as a race to heal yourself. You are already making great strides. Keep it up!)

Q: I am afraid that I am not as "good' a person that i think I am or others do.
A: Thats crazy talk. you have some amazing friends & others. Plus you exhibit that in all that you do.

(BTW, Have you done anything bad, vindictive or mean here? No.)


Q: Why am I afraid that she has forgotten all about me & could care less?
A: Caring doesnt exist in her vocabulary unless it serves her. So she probably doesnt really. She will remember when it serves her to make her feel like she has true feelings, or to draw you in, but thats the extent of it. Would finding out help you in healing anyway? No.

(Sometimes I would get pissed that she wouldnt remember special things I cherished with us even after a short period. She always shrugged it off. It only served her in a fleeting way.)


Q: I am afraid that I am too old to find someone else.
A: You are as young as you feel, and work on being healthy inside & out. Plus anyone regardless of age, that is well adjusted, will look inside and see you & disregard those superficial notions.

(How many countless people have been shocked when you have revealed that you are 45? They could care less, including your younger friends.)

Q: I am afraid that I may fall in love too fast.
A: You need to discover what "falling" in love really means in context of true love. Not infatuation, necessity or to aleave loneliness. In order to even to discern that notion used so freely, you have to heal and truly find out who you are & what you are to yourself and that other potential person.

(Maybe you confuse true love with other emotions... Think about that.)


Q: I am afraid that I am insecure and disguise that by giving, I will be taken advantage again.
A: Well, not by her anyway.

(I think this may be the subject of my next series of questions... )


Whoa, that felt amazing. Thanks for listening. Want to wake up feeling empowered now. I can see this exercise offering guidance in everything big or small. I pray my thoughts of her & the torture its causing will fade sooner than later. Do you think I should try & get her back? Hehehe?

[chuff]

That was incrediable. That is something every person should do after a break up, and maybe just a various times in their lives. You tackled emotions head on. As I read the questions, I was even asking myself the same things. The question you asked about being alone and then answered it that you were alone when you were with her spoke volumes to some of the relationships I have tolerated but never actually been in, since I was giving constantly and they were taking.

[taoplr]

In doing this exercise, from an outward and objective level, I have, in the question, included recounts in context of our relationship and breakup.

Thanks taoplr for turning me on....

Q &A

Whoa, that felt amazing. Thanks for listening. Wanna wake up feeling empowered now. I can see this exercise offering guidance in everything big or small. I pray my thoughts of her & the torture its causing will fade sooner than later. Do you think I should try & get her back? Hehehe?

Later today, I'll address taking this exercise deeper... some psychological housekeeping... have your mental floss ready. For now, a hint: What happens when you change all your "Why" questions to "What" as in "What do I get from doing this?"

Tao

[vanheart]

I will look forward to it, tal. Thank you.

[vanheart]

I meant taoplr, sorry. No disrespect...