[Kia]

I wanted to know what your opinions are of what christians should do if they are in an abusive marriage, or a continuos cheating spouse , or just a generally unhappy relationship over time. I know as a Christian you should not believe in divorce. But, in these types of situations what is the best option? Are you hurting yourself more if you stay in these types of situations? Or are you being a good Christian and upholding " for better or for worse"?

[Megan2345]

I think you should try to work things out. Go to couples therapy etc. I believe in doing what is best for yourself and each other. If there is no way of working things out and you are better off divorcing I think that is what should be done.

[DrJ]

And repeatedly abusive or cheating spouse isn't likely to change... ever. Divorce... God will forgive you.

[lighterrr]

Forget this christianity and being good or bad, you where a human being before you became a christian and you don't deserve to be ABUSED your not an animal. Do not suffer in a marriage that breaks your heart and sole and possibly your body if the abuse is physical all in the name of christianity.

Leave this man and get on with your life, religion to me personally brings more misery than happiness, that's been its track record throughout the centuries.

I believe that God lives in our soul and you don't need to call yourself a christian to receive the awesome light of the creator.

Good luck to you

[homesell]

1. Never put up with physical abuse. It will get more frequent and worse each time. They always apologise and say they didn't mean it but you need to get out as quickly as you can. People physically abuse partly because the spouse allows it and continues in the "relationship"
2. Never put up with cheating. The sacredness of the marriage bed has been broken from the first time not to mention repeatedly. People cheat partly because the spouse allows it and continues in the "relationship"
3. Generally unhappy? If neither of the first 2 are occurring AT ALL- EVER, then try to work things out. Get pastoral counseling. If one and two are happening you are definitely 'unequally yoked" and the spouse doesn't have a clue as to what love or marriage is all about.
You are definitely hurting yourself to stay with any spouse that abuses and/or cheats. "For better or worse" is about the things you face as a couple, not putting up with being treated worse than he would treat a stray dog in the street.

[jakester]

I wanted to know what your opinions are of what christians should do if they are in an abusive marraige, or a continuos cheating spouse , or just a generally unhappy relationship over time. I know as a Christian you should not believe in divorce. But, in these types of situations what is the best option? Are you hurting yourself more if you stay in these types of situations? Or are you being a good Christian and upholding " for better or for worse"?

Kia - it sounds like you stated 3 types of scenarios in a marriage relationship:

1) abusive marriage
2) continuous infidelity
3) generally unhappy with the relationship over time

It would be gratuitous to lump all three together and expect the same counsel as to what to do, I think.

Each issue you described has its own set of circumstances and issues that need to be addressed adequately and appropriately.

Abusive relationships where the abuser is not repentant is a situation that is critical because he/she could do some serious damage if left as is. A spouse needs to have the courage to stand up to the abuse and not take it. Ultimately, if there is no further recourse, a spouse should move on if the abuse persists because there is no virtue in getting beaten for the sake of the marriage commitment. Marriages can become so broken that the wisest thing to do is to end it.

Infidelity is something that could be taken as a license to end a marriage whenever it occurs. A spouse is certainly in a position to have to ask the question whether it is worth staying in the relationship. But infidelity could be an opportunity for the broken marriage to be healed. What I mean is that when the utter reality of infidelity has brought the relationship to such a place where the very commitment each member made is under scrutiny, it could be a time for each member to revisit those commitments once again. Where do we do from here? How did the relationship become so broken that one spouse sought pleasure outside of the marriage? If the offender has no interest in dealing with his/her sin and repenting of it, divorce could be the only solution since one member has no interest in fulfilling his/her vows to be committed.

With respect to being generally unhappy with the relationship over time, I don't think God would advise anyone to get a divorce from someone due to unhappiness in the marriage. Marriage is work and a commitment to becoming one with another person. Too often we are lazy in that commitment and are unwilling to take on the task of learning what makes the other person tick. In other words, we are soft and lazy with respect to making the marriage better by taking an interest in the other person. Sometimes this is due to our own foolishness and selfishness. We don't have a strong vision for what oneness in marriage looks like and what is required to become one with another person. We expect the marriage to take care of itself and not put in the work required to make it healthy and strong. Marriage might not every really satisfy my desires the way I'd like it to, but life isn't satisfying either... it's futile.

There aren't any fast and easy answers to your questions as each situation must be dealt with specifically and soberly and in light of the truth. None of these things are easy and I'll freely that. Life isn't easy either and sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do.

Sincerely.

[arcura]

I must agree with Jakester and Jeff on this.
But rather than getting a divorce get a separation or an annulment if the marriage can not continue as is.
Peace and kindness,
Fred

[cozyk]

I must agree with Jakester and Jeff on this.
But rather than getting a divorce get a separation or an annulment if the marriage can not continue as is.
Peace and kindness,
Fred

Annulment or divorce, it doesn't matter what word you use to call it, just make it cease.

[kpegelow]

Divorce dates back as many centuries as Christianity. In speaking of what the Bible says, you have to take into consideration the moral and historical values in place at the time of writing. Food laws were put into place because there was no refrigeration at the time and preservation of food was difficult. If you ate the wrong foods, you died. Although this is no longer true, some religions still avoid certain foods, deeming them to be restricted as a matter of religion. Does this make it wrong to eat those foods? I doubt it. It's a matter of conscience.

Now consider the issue of the value placed on women in Biblical times. Men could divorce for any reason they liked. Not so with women. Historically speaking, even in the 1800s and 1900s, it was very difficult for a woman to have any say at all over her life. She was not allowed to own property in her own name, was totally subservient to her husband and in some countries, the man can still beat his wife to death with no legal repercussions. Is this right and proper? I do not believe so. In some states, women cannot hold credit cards unless their husbands sign the contract giving their permission. Do I agree with this? Absolutely not.

Your religious beliefs are highly personal and subject to your own conscience. I do not believe any person, male or female, has a right to beat up on another human being, has the right to belittle or be verbally abusive to another human being, nor do they hold ownership over that human being. If you are being abused, get help, get out, get free. The longer you allow this to continue, the more progressive the abuse will become.

Good luck.

[arcura]

cozyk,
I got your point but with a annulment in some Churches the person can marry again in that church.
Peace and kindness,
Fred

[tai18]

He abuses you and has no loyalty towards you. This is not a marriage. Christian or not a Christian God wants EVERYONE to be happy.Divorce him before things turn worst who knows what he is really capable of.

[homesell]

Tai18,
Where does the Bible say God wants everyone to be happy?
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Not that Kia should stay. She shouldn't(not intended as legal advice)
What if beating her and cheating on her is what makes her spouse HAPPY?

[tai18]

Tai18,
Where does the Bible say God wants everyone to be happy?
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Not that Kia should stay. She shouldn't(not intended as legal advice)
What if beating her and cheating on her is what makes her spouse HAPPY?

The bible doesn't need to say this. How can you not think God does not what everyone to be happy in life? Lets not play dumb here we all know her husband beating and cheating on her is WRONG saying what if that makes him happy is a very rude thing to say you might as well tell her she should stay.Dont preach to me preach to rapist,killers,abusers that need help.

[homesell]

On what basis, if not the Bible are you basing your opinions of right and wrong? When you say "God wants "everyone" to be happy, does "everyone" mean "everyone" or do you just mean everyone except people that don't do things that offend you. And if you read, I DID say she shouldn't stay.

[tai18]

Its my opinion and common sense. I believe God wants the best for everyone and I think that everyone deserves to be happy. You can't be happy in a marriage where there is no loyalty and any kind of abuse happening. In everyday life domestic abuse happens and just like you see in the news it can lead to murder. Who knows how serious her situation is but I hope it will not lead to that when this can be avoided and she can be happy. My opinion

[cozyk]

On what basis, if not the Bible are you basing your opinions of right and wrong? When you say "God wants "everyone" to be happy, does "everyone" mean "everyone" or do you just mean everyone except people that don't do things that offend you. And if you read, I DID say she shouldn't stay.

We all know what she means. You are splitting hairs because you hold the bible accountable for every thought, decision, or action that is done. Even though the op was asking "as a christian" doesn't mean that a certain degree of common sense doesn't come into play.

Common sense isn't common enough these days. Don't underestimate it.

[arcura]

cozyk
Point well made.
Fred

[bizygurl]

If you really think there is hope for this man and your marriage then seek counseling. But if he is unwilling to change his behaviors.. abuse and cheating. It is what it is. Abuse is abuse, cheating is cheating.. and if he is unwilling to change for you, or for himself then you need to make the decision that will make YOU happy. A marriage is not a one way street. God aside, do what's best for you in the long run.

[Alty]

Christian or not, you shouldn't stay in a relationship that's abusive, or where the spouse is cheating, or if you're unhappy.

Think for yourself. You don't need a book to make every decision for you.

[arcura]

bizygurl, I agree with you except for the God aside part.
A person may want to put God aside for some reason but He is always there and always will be.
Peace and kindness,
Fred