[brunette345]

Im not really sure how this all works but I couldn't help myself from wanting to respond. I understand how all of you ladies feel. My fiancé proposed just a few weeks ago and up until then, our lives were amazing-perfect in every way. Since then, however, he has not want to have sex with me. Aside from the fact that I am frustrated, this has led me to develop such a low self esteem. I cry myself to bed practically every night, wondering what I have done wrong. I try to dress sexy for him and he doesn't notice. I try to engage in forplay and he nearly falls asleep. There is nothing worse than feeling undesirable. He makes me feel so ugly that I question my looks constantly. I can't stand it. I was so exited to get engaged and now all I do is wonder what my marriage will be like. We have been together for 9 years and he is the love of my life but making me feel this way just makes me want to seek out other men who might be able to show me that I am worthy. I don't know what to do.

[Synnen]

You don't know what to do?

Well, *I* know what you should do!

You should go to a counselor and learn about self-esteem. If you HAD good self-esteem, you'd know that what someone ELSE thinks about you has NOTHING to do with who YOU are.

Get your priorities straight, hon. YOU need to love you. YOU need to think you're sexy.

What he thinks is ENTIRELY secondary.

[bronzebabe]

Have you talked to him? Is he tired? Is he working a lot? I understand wanting to have sex, but it's not like it's been years, and he is calling you names, it's been "weeks". And, we ALL go thru times when sex just Isn't happening.
Don't freak out. He loves you or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him.

[88sunflower]

Yep. We can tell you our opinions from every angle, but you really have to go to the source of the problem. Ask him. Maybe he is under stress. Maybe now that there is a wedding to plan he is stressed over that and the new life and just life in general can be stressing at times. Don't blame yourself or him until you just talk to him. It takes both of you to make it work. Your seeing a problem so start to fix it and ask him.

[kp2171]

Concerning his problem... lots of things can affect libido... stress, anxiety, illness, poor sleep, poor diet, health issues... I've been in both places... in a "rut" when I was stressed, with low libido, and with a lover who was going through a rough time...

A couple who can't talk about sex is going to have a hard time of it... especially when you've been together so long.

Now... I get this is a new challenge. A new development, from what you've indicated... that until a few weeks ago things were OK... right?

So this is a new struggle you have to work through, and your frustration is reasonable, even if your "conclusions" are not.

No easy answer... you have to accept there will be hills and valleys and you have to be able to ride it all out. If you fall apart every time his drive dips, that makes you just as unreliable, which can reinforce depressed drive.

I'm not trying to say this is your fault... but I am saying falling to pieces so quick, so fast shows there are areas you are going to have to work on if this relationship will weather all the noise that life throws in the way.

You are probably hyper-sensitized to every little thing right now... desperately searching out for some sign of attention and affection. He doesn't get a free pass. He needs to be an attentive lover and friend.

But now is the time to work out the communication lines... before you are married. Before you have kids. Before life gets more "complicated"... don't get me wrong, I think a good marriage is worth the hard work that is required to keep it together... but it is work.

And ill post a fav line that I throw in here, a ripoff of a mary mccarthy quote... my version...

Sex cannot do the hard work that love demands, and love should not neglect the power of sensual touch.

You both need to address this issue.

[brunette345]

Thanks everyone-I really appreciate your help. I know this is a self-confidence thing but I'm really not sure how to deal with it or how it even started. In high school, I used to think I was so pretty and was so confident and then when I reached college, everything fell apart. I think it was from dating a guy who later said really mean things to me. I know I should let that go, but for some reason I cant. I've thought about seeking professsional help but I am still under my parent's health insurance and they would not be supportive of counseling for a self-confidence issue. Does anyone have any ideas or exercises I could do to help boost my self-esteem? Ive tried the whole tel yourself three good things every morning but it seems so dumb. THanks again for all your support!