[Jake2008]

I think that what you described as being the original cause of him leaving, isn't all your fault.

He sounds like the type of man that would be hard to sit at the kitchen table with and discuss serious personal issues or troubles.

Maybe the both of you were sticking your fingers in the dyke to hold back the water, and inevitably it was going to collapse.

You sound a lot more settled in the finality of the end of the relationship. As time goes on, you will realize that what was needed to keep the relationship going, was never there in the first place.

I can clearly see you already putting it all together intelligently, and moving on.

When you begin to really enjoy your freedom and independence again, I hope for you that you relish every moment, keep the past in the past where it belongs, and be grateful that things happened the way they did now, instead of 10 years from now.

[frangipanis]

hi Jake, there was a lot of genuine love and passion throughout our relationship, as well as a number of major reasons it couldn't work out. From my side, I actually knew not long after Christmas I would never marry him or live with him, yet fought the urge at the time as it seemed so irrational and almost stupid.

At that time I had serious doubts out of a strong instinct to want to protect my daughter... there is a history of suicidality amongst his children and both ex's and it all happened under his roof. Yet I didn't blame him for any of that and honestly believed he was just unfortunate to have mated with women who suffered severe depression, and who let his children down by abandoning and mistreating them. He seemed like the hero trying to keep everything and everyone together. I admired that about him, and still do to a certain extent, as I witnessed a lot of the emotional blackmailing that went on around him and could see he was often the victim. I was sometimes worried about him.

However, that didn't take away from the fact I was seriously concerned about the sort of family environment my daughter may have eventually been made to confront and adjust to... and the isolation she would have felt living on a property where she could no longer walk to a friend's home. That, and the way he withheld his affection so often and his temper, made me want to sit down with him a number of times to let him know it wasn't working. He obviously had his doubts too, but for different reasons.

Discovering he had lied to me and betrayed me for such a long time by secretly staying in touch with his ex girlfriend who is a total maniac (very scary woman), and discovering she invited him for that drink anytime.. you name the hotel, place and time... made me realise I could never trust her, or him. It dawned on me there is a culture of lies he is use to... and possibly many lies I would never know about.

I do believe him when he says he was faithful to me the whole time we were together - meaning he never slept with another woman. I was someone safe for him and he did value that... he actually craved that sort of stability with a partner. He thinks of me as a 'nice' and 'good' person.

When it comes to actually letting go, it's very painful and we're never too sure, so we oscillate... not sure it can ever be done gracefully, although I guess a few people manage it. A part of me wanted to shut the door on him so hard that he would never try to get back in my life again... as I also felt he would have liked the convenience of oscillating back and forth with me as long as it suited him. I wasn't prepared to let him do that to me. So it was me, as much as him, who wanted it to end. Only I think I was more "in love" with him than he ever was with me.

I did an unthinkable thing to him in the end and know there must have been a better way of going about it. Less public, so less likely to make me look stupid too!

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful wishes, Jake. I do appreciate it :)

[Jake2008]

You're very welcome, I'm sure you're going to be just fine.

I looked through those pictures, and said 'wow' more than once. What a gorgeous place, and awesome pictures.

(we're still dealing with frost in the morning lol)

[frangipanis]

I need a holiday or to get away for the weekend, Jake lol!