[Mr chips]

Hi

I was hoping you guys could help me out with something. An ex of mine made contact with me after five years of being apart about a month ago. We were together for about four years and she was my first love. During this past month we have spoken every single day, either by phone or through emails. We talk to each other as though we’ve always stayed in contact, she calls me nicknames that she used when we were dating and has confessed that she still loves me.

When I think about it properly the situation is weird for me, I never thought she’d ever speak to me again and now that she is I’m cynical as to why she is. From our conversations I have gathered that she hasn’t been very lucky in her other relationships and has been single for a considerable amount of time. She also has an eating disorder and is very underweight.

I care about her deeply, I always have. I want to help her get through what she is going through but on the other hand I don’t want to get involved too deeply as I fear I perhaps may be nothing more than an ego boost to her.

I feel selfish for thinking about myself in this situation when the focus should be on her but on one hand she is expressing her love for me and on the other she keeps me at bay using her disorder as a reason for me to not get close to her.

I really don’t know what I should be doing. What does she want from me?

[ayejay0601]

I don't know how valuable my advice will be given that I was recently dumped and am not quite there. It sounds like you are right, she had bad luck in relationships and might be looking to get you back now. Makes you feel like second fiddle. You don't want to be the guy that she came to because nobody else would take her.

My advice is that this is bad news. She is feeling really insecure maybe even recovering from a relationship. She needs a rebound guy? Why didn't it work the first time? Is there a danger that this can happen again?

I would proceed with extreme caution. She may also have matured and just realized how great it was with you. You were together a very long time. Maybe she realizes how great that was and how important it is to a long-term relationship.

[liz28]

She needs professional help especially for the eating disorder. Eating disorders are very serious and can be deadly.

If you want to, if anything, you can be her friend. You don't have to be her boyfriend and don't expect anything.

You don't have to feel bad for making your thread about you because it is about you and you sound like a reasonable person that have weighted all their options. So used them as your guide and always follow your instincts.

[nikosmom]

What does she want from me?

Ask her straight up.

Trust your gut and your instincts seem to be telling you something's not right about the situation. You're suspicious so try not to be too involved. It does seem likes she's falling back on you because you're 'familiar and comfortable'.

Going no-contact doesn't really seem like an option since you've stayed in contact with her for the past 5 yrs but perhaps cut back on the calling, etc. It's easy to get sucked into a pseudo relationship because you're hanging out, texting, and talking constantly. Keep your feelings at bay by keeping her at arm's length.

[Mr chips]

I tried telling her my feelings about this but we ended up arguing and we haven't spoken for two weeks now.

As I get older I find myself so cautious when it comes to relationships and women in general.
I seem to look for reasons as to why I shouldn't get involved instead of focusing on more positive things.

Im now feeling guilty, as deep down I feel as though I should be here for her.

Im trying to be a good person because when I was younger I was a real jerk, but I also want a happy easy life and right now the two don't work harmoniously.

[talaniman]

While its okay to be friends with her, its not okay to be always available or ready to solve her problems, or get sucked in by them. Those are for her to solve and what if she doesn't take that advice? That's as far as your help goes. She wants more than advice, and its not in your interest to give her that.

You did well by being honest with yourself, protecting yourself, and backing away from a potentially bad situation.

Don't second guess yourself.

[jmw0713]

Always trust your gut. It is seldom wrong.