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ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 06:26 PM

I know this has probably been asked on this site 5000 times. My situation is a little different and I also just need someone to talk to. Being a 32-yr old dude makes it tough--I can't really talk to my guy friends.

C and I met about 17 months ago. I asked her out, we went out on a few dates. She had fun, but wasn't totally into me. Decided she wanted to be friends. We became better and better friends. My crush on her never faded. Then about 9 months ago, we went on a little weekend getaway and hooked up. We began to date more seriously. We became exclusive about 6 months ago. Spent a lot of time together and our lives became intertwined. We rarely fight, we always just have fun. But she told me last week that she thinks I am really more of a friend. That she doesn't think she is in love with me. That there is no chemistry.

I avoided talking to her all week. Finally texted her and saw her today. Its clear that is in a lot pain too. We were both holding each other and crying for about an hour. She said she is sad because its tough when we had so much to do, so many things in common. But that she thinks she is making the right decision. That she wants to move on.

My thought is that if she is that upset, maybe she really is in love with me but just doesn't know it. Don't you think? I think part of the reason she didn't quite feel the love is because I came on so strong and I was so in love with her. I didn't "play the game" I didn't let her chase me a little.

She wants to continue to be friends... but only after I give her a couple weeks to adjust. Then she thinks we should do dinners and play Tennis (as we used to). She will call me weekly. And she will be happy to hear from me but she doesn't want me to call daily, as that will be too painful and it will prevent her from moving on (she said this).

What I would love to hear from you guys is this: Should I move on or hold on hope? It really does sound like she loves me. We always had fun together and we were a great couple. She told me that at times she just didn't feel like hanging out with me though. That's a bad sign. Perhaps a little time apart, some distance will make her realize that she is still in love with me?

Sorry for the loser message... I feel like a loser, but I am just so sad. I can barely control myself. I started taking anti-depressants. Paroxetene. I don't know how I became such a loser...

friend4u178 · May 31, 2009, 06:41 PM

Sorry Pal but she has made her mind up for now and the best thing you can do is give her space like she requested.

You may think she still loves you but you don't dump someone you love , she's been thinking about this for a while now and has already got over some of the emotional demons of a break up.

As for her wanting to contact once a week etc. she's just saying that to ease her guilt and if you comply with that you'll just get stuck with false hope while she's moving on.

Best thing for you to do , painful as it may be at the start is go complete No Contact. That's to start your healing process instead of being stuck and prolonging it.

By chasing and being there for her will just push her away further I'm afraid. Yet if you just disappear she MAY realise she misses you and come back , if not then at least you'll have started your healing process.

Read some of the material on here and it'll show your not alone and give you some good insight how to deal with this.

Good Luck!

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 06:43 PM

That is such great advice. Thank you so much!

friend4u178 · May 31, 2009, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by ayejay0601

That is such great advice. Thank you so much!

Pleasure , that's what we do here :)

You'll find others come along and give their input as well. Sometimes it's good just to come here and vent and get it off your chest.

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 06:45 PM

Sorry I hit post by mistake. I think everything you say is completely true. Even things that you couldn't possibly know, you hit the nail. She was thinking about this for awhile and she has begun to move on. I think you are right, her wanting to call me is because she feels guilty. That must be right. I mean I know she loved hanging out and wants to continue doing so, but not until we are both fully recovered. You are right, I need to move on. I will read this entire site I am sure over the next few weeks. This is great and I so need a support community like this. I love reading responses like this.

thehuntleybunch · May 31, 2009, 06:46 PM

Ether she has had a bad dating past or she thinks she has found someone else and trying to hold you on the back burner... I would date and not talk to her or as little as possible because its just going to hurt you more... I am 22 married with 4 kids but before I had a heck of a dating past lots of heart break... you can try to win her by romance but I don't know her mind sounds kind of set
Your friend
Josh

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 07:09 PM

Yeah, her mind is set. She tells me that she just doesn't know and that she might regret this later, but she thinks she is doing the right thing. And that after a few days apart, she is even more convinced it is the right thing. There is nobody else, but I do think that she wants to be single and that if I am not the "one" then she wants to be single so that she can go out and find the "one." This sounds mean, but I am hoping that she realizes how much the NYC dating scene sucks and how most guys in this city are Douchebags and just want sex and comes back to me after realizing.

I think this is part of the problem: She doesn't realize the importance of having that connection and having fun with the person you are with and having a guys who cuddles well and the importance of a great sex life. Most importantly, the importance of having your boyfriend be your best friend. We have all that. But she wants to be infatuated, think about the guy all the time and want to be around him. I understand that, but I just feel like as you get older, you get over that. I was never infatuated with her, but I recognized her as a good life partner, a soulmate and a best friend.

liz28 · May 31, 2009, 07:20 PM

Sometimes people change and there is nothing you can do about it.

Right now you need to limit yourself around her to adjust and accept just being her friend. If you can't do that then maybe you can't be just a friend.

Or maybe you need some time away from her until you can accept being just a friend and you never know how much time you need to heal a broken heart.

She can't just expect you to jump back being friends when the two of you were much more. Your hurting and she needs to accept that.

Time for you to start getting busy and getting ready for a life without her.

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 07:23 PM

Yes. You are right. She knows that... for both of us, she knows that we need a little time apart before we can just be friends. She said those very words to me. I am conflicted on whether I want to be just friends or just forget her completely. BUT I WILL MOVE ON!

I think the anti-depressants are starting to kick in. I am feeling much better. I don't know how many people in my situation take them and I know it probably sounds like cheating, but the pain is severe. I need to move on and be able to focus on work and stuff and I won't if I can't have some temporary relief.

liz28 · May 31, 2009, 07:35 PM

You take medicine for depression or just to help you through this break-up?

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 07:37 PM

No just to help me through the break-up. I do have a tendency to get depressed more easily than most people--I think due to other things that have happened in my life. I was really depressed and I told the doctor. And he said that he thinks its all right for people to take these types of meds for a few months to get over a tough period in their lives.

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 07:41 PM

Just to get me through the breakup. I told the doctor what happened and how I can't concentrate and am really depressed and would like anti-depressants. He said that he thought it was OK for people to take meds for a few months to help them get through the hard periods in the their life. The other options is to be depressed all the time, lose your jobs and your friends and just fold up.

liz28 · May 31, 2009, 08:00 PM

I like to know what doctor this is because that is false. If that was the case people would be lining up outside their doctor office for some pills. This isn't a route to go when your getting over someone.

Anti-depressents shouldn't be taken on and off again because you hit a rough patch and have side effects.

There are others ways to get over someone like exercising. Exercising is good for you and your mind, body, and soul. There is a sticky dedicted to "things to do after a break-up" and I suggested you read it.

I guess if the doctor give you medicine then hey but I don't think it is the best route to go and really isn't going help out much.

ayejay0601 · May 31, 2009, 08:47 PM

IDK, it really helps me. I still feel horrible pain, but it is a bit more bearable. I don't know if this is right or not, but the pain is so intense, sometimes I feel I am going to vomit or sometimes I feel I can't move. I hate crying all day. With this drug, I am sad, but not immobile. I can get things done and sometimes still laugh. Especially when I am out with my friends.

taoplr · May 31, 2009, 10:43 PM

Originally Posted by ayejay0601

IDK, it really helps me. I still feel horrible pain, but it is a bit more bearable. I dont know if this is right or not, but the pain is so intense, sometimes I feel I am going to vomit or sometimes I feel I can't move. I hate crying all day. With this drug, I am sad, but not immobile. I can get things done and sometimes still laugh. Especially when I am out with my friends.

While you continue to figure out this event in your life, you can do some things that will reduce your suffering and shorten your recovery time. The first is to separate the event from the story playing in your head about the meaning of the event. Your version of the meaning gets you to feel like a loser. Like you are the first decent guy to get dumped because he wasn't an erotic icon or that ever-attractive-to-foolish-chicks "rogue" type of guy, or something equally arbitrary. There are plenty of women who get turned on by self-centered jerks who treat them badly, just because they "play the game" as you put it, so well, or who remind them of Brad Pitt.

Guys who are the "friend" types, over whom women like "C" cry over for an hour, who just love them and are present for them, end up being good husbands, fathers, and life partners. They are the ones who women realize they want to be with as everybody matures.

She separated because she doesn't feel that special spark reserved for "the one." She cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you, but doesn't want to be with you either because she needs to find out what's available. If she feels this way, she's right, at least for this moment in her life. The one(s) for you is (are) still out there, hoping you will show up soon. But there is nothing "loser"about this. C and you were just a partial match, that's all. Good, but not complete. In time, it would have gotten incomplete for you, too. Sooner or later, you will be glad that she recognized it as quickly as she did.

Regarding meds, your anguish and pain, and getting relief while you get through this, it's probably OK to take something, as long as you consider the long term. Paroxetene is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor that keeps serotonin in the brain longer by inhibiting its breakdown. Serotonin makes you feel good. Exercise, diet, and doing things that make you feel good anyway produce serotonin. It's unknown whether taking this class of meds long-term inhibits natural serotonin production, or causes trouble with dopamine balance, another feel-good neurotransmitter. If you use meds, let yourself be comfortable with it (Don't make up story about it that puts you in a bad light.) and when it's time to quit, do it.

Same with your pain. When it's time to drop it, and you feel unexpectedly ready to be done, just do it.

Tao

ayejay0601 · Jun 1, 2009, 08:26 AM

Thank you Tao. I think that is great advice. I think everything you write is correct. I didn't feel that she was a partial match--we did everything together. One reason this is so hard is because our lives were so entwined. I got used to calling her every night and finding out how her day was going. She says she feels the same--she got really used to me and it makes her cry to think that we can't play Tennis or bike together, etc.

But I think you are right. At this point in her life, I am wrong for her. She needs to date other guys. Maybe she will find someone better. Or maybe she will realize how much the dating scene in NYC sucks.

Is this bad: I am hoping that she gains a lot of weight so that nobody will date her and she feels compelled to come back to me. Her entire family is obese and she has managed to stay slim, but it can't last--can it?

Anyway, I know I am supposed to let go. But I can't just yet. It hurts too much. I have to hold on to hope for another few days. She wants to be friends. Today is my birthday and she wants to buy me a beer. IDK. I generally agree with the no contact rule, but feel like if I can be around her and pretend to be completely over her and even hint that I am dating other girls, she might come back to me.

This forum is so great. I love hearing from all of you and your advice. It really does help. I am crying as I write this. God when did I become like this?

talaniman · Jun 1, 2009, 09:27 AM

C and I met about 17 months ago. I asked her out, we went out on a few dates. She had fun, but wasn't totally into me. Decided she wanted to be friends. We became better and better friends. My crush on her never faded. Then about 9 months ago, we went on a little weekend getaway and hooked up. We began to date more seriously. We became exclusive about 6 months ago. Spent a lot of time together and our lives became intertwined.

That's pretty normal for friends, but you passed over the fact that you wanted more, and she didn't. Instead of keeping things in the friendship zone as she wanted, you pursued more, and she gave you every chance to explore the possibilities and options. This is not a bad thing, and actually quite healthy.

I didn't feel that she was a partial match--we did everything together. One reason this is so hard is because our lives were so entwined. I got used to calling her every night and finding out how her day was going. She says she feels the same--she got really used to me and it makes her cry to think that we can't play Tennis or bike together, etc.

This is touching, it really is, and its obvious, you both enjoyed a good friendship. Your right, and that does make it harder to scale back the extent of what you had enjoyed. Time will help you get UN TWINNED from each others lives. Not a simple thing at all.

But I think you are right. At this point in her life, I am wrong for her. She needs to date other guys. Maybe she will find someone better. Or maybe she will realize how much the dating scene in NYC sucks.

That's for sure, and what happens next is a mystery only time will reveal. Your feelings though are making you see hope still, where there really are no facts yet.

Is this bad: I am hoping that she gains a lot of weight so that nobody will date her and she feels compelled to come back to me. Her entire family is obese and she has managed to stay slim, but it can't last--can it?

LOL, what a thought, its bad, but its normal after a break up to have these wild thoughts.

Anyway, I know I am supposed to let go. But I can't just yet. It hurts too much. I have to hold on to hope for another few days. She wants to be friends. Today is my birthday and she wants to buy me a beer. IDK. I generally agree with the no contact rule, but feel like if I can be around her and pretend to be completely over her and even hint that I am dating other girls, she might come back to me.

HOGWASH, FROM A CONFUSED HURT MIND!! Understandable from the standpoint of fresh feelings, but you better enjoy the beer as its time to be honest with her and yourself that its time for you both to heal, and everything as far as friendship or just chatting is on hold until that is accomplished. It will suck big-time and be made worse by false hope and artificial time tables. But grow up and do the work and know she will probably be more ready for friendship than you, so don't be fooled by her feelings, or your own.

Disappear from each others lives and be glad it ends on good terms, as you both rebuild, and regroup your own personal sanities.

This forum is so great. I love hearing from all of you and your advice. It really does help. I am crying as I write this. God when did I become like this?

This is where you talk, vent, and rant, and share. NOT WITH HER. Sounds cruel, but over the long run, the best course of actions for the long term.

ayejay0601 · Jun 1, 2009, 12:06 PM

I know you are right. You are so right. She keeps saying that she might regret this decision later, but for now she wants me to let go and move on and she doesn't want to give me false hope that we will get back together. She is right.

If I had to do it all over, I wouldn't have come on so strong. The only thing our relationship was really missing is that she "wanted to be swept off her feet". She wasn't quiet swept. She was comfortable. She wants more. I think if I let her chase me a little, she may have felt more swept. When a guy loves a girl too much, it betrays a latent insecurity. It says to the girl (indirectly) that I am better than this guy. This guy thinks he is lower than me. I hate to say it, but we all must play the game a little. Its necessary. Every time she wanted to hang out, I always said yes and changed my schedule to accommodate her. Maybe not the best move...

On another note, I just went for a really fast run until it hurt and then until it hurt some more. It helps to convert mental pain into physical pain. I definitely feel better. I hope it helps. I have taken time off work. My friends will take me out tonight for my birthday and I am probably going to the hamptons tomorrow. I think all this will help. I haven't had an appetite so I haven't been eating and my body is starting to look great. Just one more thing that will help me to move on.

BrentNumber1 · Jun 9, 2009, 06:48 PM

Hey, just wanted to say that I can definitely related to your situation as someone about to turn 32 myself. We were best friends for almost 3 years but for whatever reason she just wasn't feeling it the same way I felt about her when it came time to actually commit to a solid relationship so it ended painfully.

She has met someone else in the meantime and is apparently in love with him. I've had a few short term relationships since but haven't made any major commitments as I haven't felt the same way about anyone I've met so far. So discouraging! Anyway, just taking a break from even trying to find anyone right now and focusing on improving myself.

Did NC for a few months and it worked wonders for my sanity. She has since come back into my life wanting me to fill in the best friend role we used to have and I'm currently going through a mini crisis of the old feelings being stirred up again. It's a long and hard process but you will eventually have more clairty and peace of mind.

ayejay0601 · Jun 10, 2009, 08:04 AM

Thanks guys. I am on day nine of NC. Oh, I miss her so much. I know she misses me and is probably waiting for me to call. I won't. She must realize that I won't call her--ever. Then she will really miss me. I know that she will eventually call me, but am not sure how to react. I won't pick up. Will I call back? I don't know.

Been thinking about it and I think part of the issue is that she is a bit less mature than me. She is 27 and still hangs out with all her college sorority friends. She likes to go out and party. She likes going out and meeting new guys. She is not really ready for a committed relationship. By the time she is, both of us will have moved on I think.

But she did make it clear. She just wants to be friends. She does not want to mislead me and make me believe that we will be getting back together. She said she may regret her decision later, but for now it stands. And that we both need time apart to get over each other and move on.