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lencheski · May 30, 2009, 11:21 PM

Ok, so I work for a local social agency, as a counselor. My caseload has me dealing with children and adolescents. I am in many of the local schools, including my daughters. My daughter's guidance counselor and I have talked frequently, even flirted with each other, from time to time I get mixed signals from him and I too have given mixed signals, he is my daughters guidance counselor. The more we interact with each other, the more we seem to flirt with each other. His body language is positive for attraction and so is mine. The only thing I can think of is that he's waiting for my daughter to leave this year and go to the high school until he asks me out. It would be unethical of him to pursue a relationship with me while she is still his student.
That being said, he gives me clusters of signals that he's attracted to me and I just don't understand why he at least hasn't stated his feelings for me. Why hasn't he asked me out yet? I'm an independent, strong, educated women who is thinking like a giddy school girl...

tickle · May 31, 2009, 04:28 AM

Perhaps you are mistaken in reading his body language. Is your only attraction to him the fact that you think he is flirting with you ? Maybe he is just being very pleasant.

Tick

N0help4u · May 31, 2009, 06:10 AM

A. Maybe he has an ethical policy of not dating people involved with his career in any way.

B. I have had many guy friends that have flirted with a girl or made a simple flirty type comment that a guy would make to someone he passes by. Their explanation is they 'want to make the girls day and give her something to smile about.'

lencheski · May 31, 2009, 06:37 AM

It is possible, that I have misread some, but not all. I am attracted to him physically as well as intellectually. He has the most amazing blue eyes that when I first started to talk to him he would stare at me and I would drop IQ points. It takes a lot to get me rattled, he can knock me off my game. I am attracted to his intelligence as well. He is beginning his Ph.D program and I am studying for my L.P.C. I enjoy talking to him about our education plans too. Just when I think I am over my little crush... he'll start flirting again... He'll call me late in the evening under the pretense of work related concerns and tease me about how this is his time, (as if I should feel pleased that he's expending his own time on me) and during our conversations he'll tease me, and say other things that are suggestive. You've confused me, as to the possibilities. I have examined his body language and he is sending clusters of 4 or more signals that present as signs of attraction. Is it possible that he is just physically attracted to me, sure. It's possible that I am just physically attracted to him, as well. I would love the opportunity to get to know him better. The last day of school is this week and well... some advice would be nice.

lencheski · May 31, 2009, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

A. Maybe he has an ethical policy of not dating people involved with his career in any way.

B. I have had many guy friends that have flirted with a girl or made a simple flirty type comment that a guy would make to someone he passes by. Their explanation is they 'want to make the girls day and give her something to smile about.'

A, is a possibility.

B. When he has overtly flirted I have made comments like, don't flirt with me, I'll take you seriously... he hasn't stopped.

chuff · May 31, 2009, 08:37 AM

You have to know there are rules against dating the parents of students you are a counselor to. I pretty sure he isn't willing to risk losing his job by asking you out and having it turn bad and then bringing that drama back to his place of employment.

lencheski · May 31, 2009, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

You have to know there are rules against dating the parents of students you are a counselor to. I pretty sure he isn't willing to risk losing his job by asking you out and having it turn bad and then bringing that drama back to his place of employment.

I do... and I would not behave in such a manner...

You're right though... I should not give back any signals... but so you think I should discuss it first and acknowledge the attraction with him... or just shut off all body signals that would indicate my attraction?

SailorMark · May 31, 2009, 12:33 PM

Your post doesn't say if he is available or not. Find out and if he is available, invite him over for dinner. Simple as that! Don't wait for him to ask you. He is a guidance counselor, not a psychiatrist and bound by the same rules a teacher would be bound by. You and he have just as much right to a happy life as everybody else. If there are "special" school rules preventing him from seeing you, he will tell you. The only thing you have to gain by not acting is loneliness.

liz28 · May 31, 2009, 12:44 PM

Some people are flirts by nature. My father flirts the same way this guy does and I know his signals was taken wrong too many times.

Some how I think since your attracted to him you might be reading more into his flirting ways.

Time for you to cool it and if anything wait until your child leave the school and then maybe you can invite him out to lunch, coffee or dinner.
There is nothing wrong with you making the first move after you daughter leave. He can only say yes or no but nothing venture is nothing gain.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2009, 02:16 PM

Originally Posted by lencheski

I do...and I would not behave in such a manner...

you're right though...I should not give back any signals...but so you think I should discuss it first and acknowledge the attraction with him....or just shut off all body signals that would indicate my attraction?

I think you should do what he is doing. Don't act on anything. He is behaving in a responsible manner, you should do the same.

... and he could just be enjoying the cat and mouse game. Use your head, not your hormones

lencheski · May 31, 2009, 06:54 PM

Originally Posted by SailorMark

Your post doesn't say if he is available or not. Find out and if he is available, invite him over for dinner. Simple as that! Don't wait for him to ask you. He is a guidance counselor, not a psychiatrist and bound by the same rules a teacher would be bound by. You and he have just as much right to a happy life as everybody else. If there are "special" school rules preventing him from seeing you, he will tell you. The only thing you have to gain by not acting is loneliness.

He is available, he made it a point to tell me he was divorced last summer. I too am divorced. Last we spoke, we spoke of being single parents and how it can be a struggle... and how our children are still the apples of our eyes.

lencheski · May 31, 2009, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think you should do what he is doing. Don't act on anything. He is behaving in a responsible manner, you should do the same.

...and he could just be enjoying the cat and mouse game. Use your head, not your hormones

I have been using my head which is why I don't jump in the mans lap when he is giving me the most intense eye contact ever, he has already made me blush on two occasions when looking me in the eye... to the point where I had to tell him to stop, I couldn't help but look sown and away, and then back up... I gave myself away. Hell, I couldn't help it, it was a natural response to his this intense eye contact.. . trust me when I tell you I understand kinesics... I'm a trained professional with a degree in Psychology and organized behavior. When I'm in the room be it alone or with others, the body language is postdive for attraction.

But that being said, back to your answer. I think there is something to what you've said about the cat and mouse game comment... you just might have something there. I do think it strokes his ego, since he knows I am attracted to him, just like I know he's attracted to me.

Any advise is appreciated and will be taken seriously. My conflict is between thinking and feeling. The balance between the two, is my crux... I am a living in my head kind of women, I've not given into my emotions. I have been described as stoic, by more than one person... So, that being said, I got the cognitive part down, it's matter of the hearts I lack knowledge on.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2009, 08:06 PM

You have to remember what is at stake. I think this man is playing a game with you, seeing how far he can go, seeing how far he can get you to go.
I suggest you just stop playing the game. When your daughter is out of that school you can pick things up again if you want.
It's time to either go into a relationship (and that would be wrong) or stop the game.
This is a game to him, a matter of the head, not the heart. Have as little to do with him as possible.

NWN · Jun 1, 2009, 09:52 AM

I think everyone is making way too much out of this.

I think you are more than entitled to see this man if that's what you both want. You are both consenting adults for crying out loud. You are not by any means being immoral or acting out on hormones alone...

I think the man might be afraid of rejection, just as you probably are. He knows he has to see you regularly and he's afraid to ask you out in case he misread the signs, and then has to keep seeing you at school.

If I were you, I would simply ask 'is there a particular reason why you haven't asked me out yet?' Simple, to the point, and will answer all your questions.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 1, 2009, 10:35 AM

No one is suggesting she is immoral. There is a problem of professional ethics with his job and hers for that matter. They should not have a relationship while her daughter is his student, he knows that and so does she. She is the one who says she is behaving like a giddy school girl. I suggested that she use her head. Don't start something that can end badly. Wait until her daughter is no longer his student. If you know you two cannot pursue a relationship at this time, stop playing games with each other until you can, otherwise you're asking for trouble. I was in no way judging her. In fact she agreed that perhaps he was getting a kick out of the game.
The fact that they are consenting adults is immaterial at this juncture. My concern is the professional ethics of it. Neither one wants to loose a job over the hots.
But she can ask him, and depending on what he says, the game should still stop until a more opportune and appropriate time.

liz28 · Jun 1, 2009, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by NWN

I think everyone is making way too much out of this.

I think you are more than entitled to see this man if that's what you both want. You are both consenting adults for crying out loud. You are not by any means being immoral or acting out on hormones alone...

I think the man might be afraid of rejection, just as you probably are. He knows he has to see you regularly and he's afraid to ask you out in case he misread the signs, and then has to keep seeing you at school.

If I were you, I would simply ask 'is there a particular reason why you haven't asked me out yet?' Simple, to the point, and will answer all your questions.

Before you start knocking down everyone advice maybe you should go back and reread what everyone wrote.

We all know they are adults but I am sure he only flirts but haven't ask her out because her dauggter attends the school he works at.

Since her daughter will soon be leaving the school she can step up and ask him out before school is out.

chuff · Jun 1, 2009, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by NWN

I think you are more than entitled to see this man if that's what you both want. You are both consenting adults for crying out loud. You are not by any means being immoral or acting out on hormones alone...

I manage females at work and we could both be consenting adults but that doesn't mean I'm entitled to do anything with them. In fact, quite the opposite, I would lose my job for it. He is not entitled to date her.

tickle · Jun 1, 2009, 12:05 PM

I know a few men in position of authority who are in the same boat as this guy. I also know that if they made a move towards an attractive woman in the office, married or not, could be slapped with a sexual harassment claim that their Human Resources Dept. would have to sort out, and explain. If the OP was an entirely different person, a woman who takes offence at just about any sexual inuendo (whether or not she likes it) wouldn't hesitate to make trouble for a decent guy.

We had a situation in Toronto courts not too long ago where a secretary accused a 'sitting' judge of pinching her bottom while passing her in the hall. It went to court. It turned out, no witnesses, but just the same the woman was deemed creditable and the judge said flatly that he didn't do it. He doesn't have recourse and won't take it further because his very good reputation in our Court system is already damaged.

So, I agree with chuff. He always makes good sense.

Tick

coyne740 · Jun 1, 2009, 12:08 PM

Ok... I can't keep my mouth shut. You have said that both of you are adults, but you are acting very immaturely. I have been in a position of power before, employees have asked me out, and I have said "Well, I am flattered, but I cannot do that". Why not just ask him out and see what happens? Maybe he is shy? You never know. It is 2009, the guy does not always have to be the aggressor. At least this way, you know if he is interested or not.

tickle · Jun 1, 2009, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by NWN

I think everyone is making way too much out of this.

.

Yes, NWN, some of us probably have but the fact remains the OP put it all out there because she was in a quandary and she came to the right place. That is what's good about AMHD, diverse opinions, bu the only problem is, one has to sort through all the bad to get at the good.

We always look on the bright side and fortunately this is not a life or death situation. Some of these posts appear to be just that !

You were expressing your opinion and it was a good one.

Regards

Tick