[anewday]

I'm not sure if this is really question, or really more; a vent.
She broke up with me about a week ago. We’d been together just over a year. About 3 weeks prior to the break up, I admitted to her for the first time that I have some semi-deep seated insecurities about myself, which I’ve had for a long time. She felt overwhelmed by this, as she has assumed that my recent (past few months) insecurities had been my due to my poor job and putting on some weight. She would tell me that I was beautiful/intelligent/great etc, but due to the vicious circle that is pessimism I just couldn’t hear her through the white noise of self-defeat. I didn’t act, I didn’t improve; I just wallowed. I think she had become quite exasperated as I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which she just couldn’t comprehend or understand. What kind of man demands to go home as he’s about to collapse after being out for a few hours?

She would make up slight excuses as to why she didn’t want to go out anymore. I felt a bit suffocated as we just sat around her flat when we saw each other (semi-LDR – 2 hour travel time), and it all got a bit too complacent (I had assumed that we were just becoming more comfortable with each other).

At any rate, that event 3 weeks prior to the break up spurred her to take a look at the relationship, and how happy she was in it. She hug out more with a guy from work who lived locally, even though that she claimed to not be interested in him (I maintain that she was only “using” him as a solace buddy – which in itself raises questions), and stopped talking with me as much on week days (even though everything was great again at the weekends when we did meet up). She never expressively said that she needed space, and being male, I didn’t get it through my thick head!

However, it had finally (after many relationships and many years of sadness) got through to me that I was too insecure, and changing that would be of a huge benefit to not only our relationship, but more importantly, to me. Unfortunately, she didn’t really see it that (perhaps because I’d only just started my medication and was a bit weirded out) way, and just saw it as a desperate attempt at saving her for myself (okok, perhaps it was a bit, at the time). She also has her insecurities and problems, which do effect me and how I see myself.

[She had started a new job just as we started going out, and had just moved to be closer to that job, and she was having a really hard time. She would cry continually and talk about ending her life, and how she had moved away from her family & friends. I was there for her throughout all of that (about 4 months) and was pretty steadfast throughout.]

A week before she broke it off, she said that it might be “too late”, at which point I really put the effort in. I stopped phoning as much, wrote some really positive emails to her from work, read a lot of confidence building books & websites, demanded that my qualification regarding work be hurried up so that I could take the next step, rewrote my CV, applied for jobs, started working out, etc.

She phoned up to break it off, even though I was supposed to see her that weekend, as she said that it would be “too awkward” (for her, no doubt). I brought up that I was changing for myself, and for the better, but she said that it was too late and wasn’t having fun anymore. We discussed various things, and I (rather tearfully, I’m afraid) almost pleaded for a chance to prove that things would be better and that I wanted to save the relationship. She said no, but she still loved me, she was “kind of” confused, and we could see how it lay in a “month or two”.

Fortunately (or not) I had already booked off some leave for the start of the week, so after stumbling around work for a day I spent the entire leave going over things. I maintained NC from the very beginning, packed up the stuff that reminded her of me, and deleted (or saved onto my HDD, to be more specific) all the texts & photos that we’d sent to each other. I’ve seen old friends, been out a lot, written a lot, read a lot, watched lots of soccer (!), listened to lots of my old records, watched movies, picked up my guitar for the first time in 4 years, worked out more, etc.

I know that the first few weeks are the worst, but this is really hard this time. Normally there’s a tangible reason for the break up. Something to burrow away at, hold my hand up and say “Hey, that’s fair enough, you/I were pretty bad”. But this time it just seems so…wispy. Just a flimsy strand of spider’s web in the wind. Of course I’m now feeling that I didn’t realise how much I loved her until she’d gone, etc; except this time it really is that much more sharp.

I think that she dealt with the break up in quite a mature way (as in ending it soon after she realised that something was up), but ending it on the phone, refusing to give us a second chance or even a meeting to talk it over, being adamant that it wasn’t “meant to be” as putting work into a relationship meant that it “wasn’t to be”, and by not even wanting to work at it via communication at all seemed slightly immature to me.

Even though she did end it that way, I still love the gal, and I refuse to not fight for something that even thought it maybe a lost cause, is something that I believe in.
I’ll continue with NC for a month and a bit, and I’ll continue to better myself for myself (as if things don’t get fixed, then I’d much rather be in a position where I can move on with my life), but I just can’t believe it’s all over something that really wasn’t that hard to fix.

(I’m so glad that I wrote this Leviathan out in Word as Mozilla just crashed, hah!)

[liz28]

I think this was more of a vent than a question but it is good to let things out to get it off your chest.

I am sorry this happen but you seem to be on the right track. Keep it and keep the NC going. I am rooting for you and welcome to the site.

Come and vent anytime.

[ajGambino]

It seems like you're going to be okay. Sounds like you're a smart guy and getting on here to vent or just to talk is a healthy way to express yourself without breaking NC.

I just can't believe it's all over something that really wasn't that hard to fix.

I had the same problem man, my ex left me for really stupid reasons that we could easily fix. The thing that I've come to realize is, she broke up with me for one reason... but those excuses to why she left me were decoys. There were a lot of questions I wanted to ask, there was so much I wanted to do. It's none of my business anymore. She left me for one obvious reason: She didn't want to be with me anymore. For whatever reason that is, I might never know the real answer. It might be the same for you, but I can be wrong. Learn to accept what reality has laid upon us.

All you can do now is wait for your wounds to heal, so you can get yourself back.

[Gemini54]

The thing is, you can never know the real reason for the break up. It might seem like no reason to you, but in relationships things always 'accumulate' and it becomes difficult to pinpoint where things started.

A week before she broke it off, she said that it might be “too late”, at which point I really put the effort in. I stopped phoning as much, wrote some really positive emails to her from work, read a lot of confidence building books & websites, demanded that my qualification regarding work be hurried up so that I could take the next step, rewrote my CV, applied for jobs, started working out, etc.

I did worry a bit when I read that - all in a week! I felt exhausted just reading it.

Take it easy man, and don't be so obsessive. See the past few years as a great lesson and learn from it. Don't be so serious. You're doing the right thing.

[anewday]

Thanks for your words of encouragement so far! More venting to follow!


Today has been a “bad” day. I’ve felt utterly exhausted and drained.

I can’t stop thinking about all of the times that I didn’t really put the effort in, when I should’ve. At the moment, I can only remember the times when she put the effort in with me. All the times that I could’ve answered better, or paid more attention to her. But she never brought it up; never complained that I wasn’t paying her enough attention. Maybe she had given signs, but I had just assumed that it was because of work & her professional exams that she wasn’t feeling as close. Or I just assumed that it was because I was unattractive/unintelligent, and brought those up in conversation (not all the time, but enough to make her ask me to stop).

I can’t stop thinking about this other guy, with whom she spent most of the last 3 weeks of our relationship. She had never really paid him much attention before, apart from when he paid her compliments or flirted with her. I would joke that he had a crush on her (was that wrong? Did that make her flattered and crave more of his attention?) and she would laugh it off, and tell me that she loved me. He moved to the town where they both work one week after she had informed me that I needed to change. She suddenly spent nearly all of her spare time with him, and wouldn’t stop talking about what they did at work etc whenever she did have the decency to get back into contact with me. She assured me that nothing was going on (she has never lied to me before, that I know of – in fact, quite the opposite), and she was just glad that she could have someone to hang out with after being away from home & friends for a year (she is quite insular, and doesn’t really like going out too much – or used to at least!). So I let it be, but after he started cooking dinner for her, popping over to her flat unexpectedly, going out drinking with her until late, I was obviously a bit upset. I do admit, that I was probably being a bit too insecure about it; but her only reassurances were “don’t worry, chill out”, where I guess I was looking more for “I love you”.

They got on well; as they shared a couple of interests that I didn’t share with her, he was out-going, earns more than double what I earn, and could drive her to places (I live in the city and can’t afford a car – walking is better for me anyway!). I’m not sure what I’m more worried about: them going out together now, or her falling for him when we were together and having troubles. He blatantly did the gentlemanly thing of trying to woo her when she was confused and (at that moment) in a relationship. Before he moved, she made him sound as if he was a completely heartless bastard at work, who was pretty mean to everyone. But as soon as he’d moved and she found a “friend” to take solace with, everything in regards to him was roses. I’m sure that he weaselled his way into her thoughts and planted suggestions that I wasn’t good enough for her. Me, who was there for her when she hated herself and wanted to die because of work (hell, it was so bad I almost broke up with her a couple of times…but I talked it through and made the effort to save us): Him, who didn’t pay any attention and didn’t care at all when she was running to the bathroom to cry.

I don’t think that they’ll get together, as she has huge issues that need a lot of trust in place before she can commit to a relationship. I think it would be pretty foolish to trust him, especially how work would be even worse for her if they split up (…if they get together). But it’s just so frustrating to know exactly what some other creep is doing, when you’re working your balls off to try and save the relationship.

I guess it just proves how immature and/or heartless she was to do that, instead of just asking for a bit of space and a mature discussion about how things were. To not put the effort in to save something that was turning slightly stale, when it was so fantastic at the start…I just can’t comprehend it!

[anewday]

No Contact. No Contact. No Contact. No Contact. No Contact.

I'm going crazy.
Must. Not. Text. Or. Phone.

[I wish]

Here are the rules and FAQs if you need it: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

You just got to keep yourself busy. Try to hang out with friends and family as much as you can. Being alone can drive you nuts, cause you'll just end up dwelling on it.

[anewday]

I have read the rules & FAQ, thanks :)
It’s just hard when you have that one brief moment alone, or as you turn out the light before you go to sleep, and their head rears up into your mind.
Work isn’t that busy at the moment either, so sadly I have more time to think about things than I’d like (although I’d like to think that it’s helping in some way!)

Fortunately, today has been a “better” day. I’ve actually eaten two meals so far (!), and I found myself opening my body up more. Not as hunched and decrepit as yesterday, and I could talk more openly with colleagues at work. Unfortunately I have a gigantic mouth ulcer right under my tongue, so that made the conversation that I could offer a bit stilted.

I can’t believe how much of a coward she was. At the first general sign of trouble, she scampered away. It had been building for sometime admittedly, but as soon as she realised that it could be a problem, she just shut herself away and didn’t communicate to me about it in any form. When we did break up, I told her that I had been improving myself, and all she could say was “Why didn’t you tell me then?!”. I wasn’t exactly going to just pop up and say “Hi, I’ve been improving all this time that you’ve been practically ignoring me and making me feel terrible!”.

If she told me something in the same manner that I had told her my problems, I would’ve been intimidated perhaps, but that wouldn’t have led me to question the relationship in the way that she did. I would’ve helped her through it, and come out the other side as a stronger couple. Eurgh.

It’s funny though. Today is the first day that I’ve realised that I am myself again. Towards the end of the relationship, neither of us were ourselves anymore, and we didn’t deal with it fast enough, or deliberately enough. I even remembered today that in the past few months I had been questioning my own commitment to the relationship, and if she was “the one”. Maybe that’s linked to what happened, and she just wanted to jump ship first?
I keep thinking about which little word or sleight of hand changed the relationship for the worst, but in truth it was just an amalgamation of little fractures on both sides. If only we’d addressed those fractures, it might’ve worked out for the better. Maybe it still can, after we’ve addressed our problems.
At least I’ve realised today that if I try to “fix” things for her, then if we do meet up again, I’ll just be pushing the changes in her face, instead of just relaxing with them in my own personality if I had done those changes for myself.

Weird how that when we fell for each other, we were ourselves. But the people that we broke up with were different people altogether.

[anewday]

Running, running, running things over in my head, again and again.

Where is she? Who with? What is she doing?
Did we both have our feet out of the door from the beginning, or only towards the end?
Why didn’t I show enough care and love? I have it in me, but why did I keep her at arms length? How can she abandon me when I was there for her? How could she say with definitive looks in her eyes that I was The One, 3 weeks before breaking up with me? Why do I care compare everyone with her? Why does no one even come close? How long will it take for her to realise that she’s lost me? Will she ever realise that I still had un-tapped potential, even at the end? Will she ever realise that when we thought that we had good communication, that it wasn’t anywhere near good enough? When will I learn to commit my heart to a relationship? What’s the point in keeping people at arms length, as that’ll only end up with me being hurt again?

I’m utterly, utterly physically & emotionally drained. I came home from work & collapsed into bed. I was supposed to give a phone interview to an employment agency, but how could I sell myself when all I could see was her face at the end of the phone? How could I stop my voice from wavering, as I thought that the phone call was from her?

I just feel like giving in and phoning her, just to hear her voice. It’s funny how desperately I need her support for the first real time, after she’s broken it off.

[kctiger]

You don't need her for support, you need to realize you are a big boy and you can do anything you want without her in your life! Perhaps it is hard to realize that now, but trust me, it is the truth.

[anewday]

Thanks kc, that's made me feel better :)

I've finally just had the strength to pack up her things, and will post them tomorrow.
It's made me realise that I don't just miss the relationship as an object, but her too. It's taken me two weeks (two weeks of NC tomorrow, yay!), but I've realised so much about myself, and the problems on my side of the relationship. Crazy when I think back, considering I thought that everything was fine. I just didn't have the hindsight until now, obviously, but I really feel that her breaking up with me has actually really helped me. Without her breaking up with me, I probably wouldn't have taken her words to heart, and just muddled on. Also, without us getting together, I'd probably be in an even worse place than I am now, so I'm grateful in both respects.
I'm slowly giving up on the hope of reconciliation, as she hasn't made any noises about…well, no noises at all! It plainly wasn't a heat of the moment thing, and she'd already disassociated herself to an extent by the time she broke up with me (I think it was took her about five days from the pivotal point – although it had been building up for three weeks previously).

I do actually have a couple of questions though!

She only has a few things of mine, but she does owe me a three figure sum of money. When we broke up, she did mention that she would pay it back (I of course insisted that she shouldn't – foolish!), as it was for flights to see her parents for their 25th wedding anniversary. Should I just cut my losses if she doesn't send it?
[A nasty little voice inside my head is telling me to just turn up at the airport anyway, haha!]

At the end of June, a big group of our mutual friends are meeting up for a week. I've already said that I'm going, as she hasn't contacted any of them since we broke up (I know that I shouldn't have asked…), and they've said that they're going to invite her. I'm stuck between hoping that she'll say “yes” or that she'll say “no”. If she does go, and I suddenly realise that I'm not over her when I do see her, what's the best way to deal with it? I don't want to just ignore her and make everyone else feel awkward on our behalf, but I also don't want to talk with her in case I feel that connection again.

[anewday]

Oh, how I scoffed when people would say "it sounds like she likes this new guy". She said that he was horrible, and not at all attractive. I thought that I knew her better.

She actually sent me my stuff & the money today. It smelt of her. I didn't cry though, which is a sign.

I get home from a really productive and positive day. I was moving on; feeling better. I get home, and I receive a text from a mutual friend. He told me that she's going on a long weekend break to a luxury hotel with that guy. The same guy that was nothing like me, and wasn't her lover. So this weekend, she'll spend it between the sheets with him.

I have such an overwhelming desire to phone her. Email her. Anything. How could she do this? I understand that she is free to do whatever she wants, but she normally takes so long to build into a relationship. So much trust. So much care. Yet, she's just changed.
Help :(

[kctiger]

I don't know why this "mutual friend" would tell you something like that. First things first, get rid of him. A true friend wouldn't send you a stupid text like that... that is just inexcusable. No reason to do it. The longer you keep the mutual d-bag in your life the more you hear about her, and the less likely you are to move on.

[anewday]

"Amusingly", she didn't actually go away. All he'd done is read an update on her Facebook, which hinted at the weekend break, but apparently it was "only a joke". Facebook by proxy, awesome.

At least it made me think & burn a few of those last remaining bridges. I had a weekend break away (London is still my least favourite capital city) and have an enjoyable time with friends, but I still thought about her too much (understandable).

I almost sent her a text just to say hi, but I realised that even if she did reply and was desperate for reconciliation (haha!), then I'm nowhere near ready to get back into the relationship. There'd be no point going back if history were just to repeat itself ad nauseam.

[none12345]

I would like to answer but I'm too lazy to read that huge paragraph. Maybe a summary would be nice =P

[chuff]

Facebook by proxy. That site is the work of the devil. You can never leave someone anymore with that thing around. Having said that, I'd bet money she put that one Facebook assuming YOU would read it and jump to conclusions. This seems to be a on going theme with the laides once something has ended they start posting on Facebook and myspace about their new "highly desirable" life. I know this is tough, but she's living in the short term and you must live in the long term. Short term she can say anything she wants on a website. Long term you can live a life of fulfillment and happiness that does not include her.

[anewday]

I suck. I broke NC after 3 weeks and 2 days. Although I think that it's good that I actually had to look up how long the NC had been. It's weird; it feels like it's been years, and it also feels as if it was less than a week ago.
I phoned her, but she didn't answer. Fair enough: she was either out, busy, or didn't want to answer. So I sent her an extremely neutral text, just saying hi and asking how she was.
I know that I've taken a step back by contacting her. I'm pretty sure that she won't reply. But, in a sense, I'm glad that I did. I'm glad that I did it now, instead of earlier. I've started getting over her, and although she's the first thing I think of when I wake up, I don't think about her all day anymore.
I'm not really sure what I want out of contacting her. To get no reply, even though I know that she can easily? To hear that she's doing well? To hear that she's doing badly?
Either way, no reply means that she isn't interested in any form of reconcilliation, so I know now that it's over.

I guess that's it now then :)
I feel like I know myself a lot better now than I did before, and I've really enjoyed this road of discovery; mostly from reading all the great advice on here! Just want to say thanks really.
NC really is the hardest thing that I've had to do, and even though I've broken it, I'm really glad that I kept it for this long.

So, unless something else happens, or I have a new relationship quandy: take care!

[chuff]

Read a book right before you go to bed and then when you wake up continue reading a few pages. This will give you something to focus on during sleep and something to wake up to and do right away.

[none12345]

You know, she is actually doing you a favour by not replying. If she did, you would be going back to square one.

[makapuu]

I think you need to focus on yourself and not what your ex is doing.