[friend4u178]

To be honest I would stop communicating to her. IF she wants you back and is willing to give up her marriage than it will happen. To me, her husband is not being treated fairly, if she loves you and wants you back than she should tell him and do it. Making him limit your calls and putting this in his head is just not right, if you back off then its HER decision and you can rest easy knowing that.

To me, it sounds as if it plotting and scheming behind his back, how would u feel?

I agree here with BMI , how would you feel?? If she wants to be with you then let her finish it with her husband and THEN you can go for it. She is cheating emotionally on her Husband and your there helping. Just think , if she cheats on her now husband there's always a chance in the future she will do it to you.

[jasmine_rezzag]

From your words, I am not so clear about what your girl thinks! She said her marriage is a shell, she has to be committed to her word,but she also said she always believes you will be together again! How? It seems she does not love her husband,but she married him,I don't know why! (maybe just for loneliness or maybe just for making a living,I don't know)she does not love her husband, and she still has feeling for you,believe you will be together again! But she does not end up her marriage unless her husband leaves first,I do not know why either! If she really still loves you and want to be with you and feel sorry for her husband, she should talk with her husband,then find a way out!if not,maybe it is true that you and her husband means the same for her,she can live with any one of you for the rest of her life,now her marriage is boring,she does not love her husband enough,but you are there,you can talk with her,make her feel a little happy in the boring marriage,but be noted that any man can do that! If there is no that man,life goes on,will make no difference for her as time pass by! I think it would be good if you go away,and let her make a decision,or you guys talk with her husband!whatever you do,don't hurt others! No one deserves pain!

[chicago95]

I agree here with BMI , how would you feel??? If she wants to be with you then let her finish it with her husband and THEN you can go for it. She is cheating emotionally on her Husband and your there helping. Just think , if she cheats on her now husband there's always a chance in the future she will do it to you.

I think we're beyond the cheating stage. He knows it just an emotional thing right now and as long he as he knows that we're okay still. (He's about 10 older than her and previously divorced) No chance she'd cheat on me. She never did all the time we dated exclusively and if I had called her earlier, she would never have married him. She's even told me this. I cannot walk away from her. She even told me to not walk away. I think she's still working this out in her brain as her heart says yes... again. Plus, walking away a second time?? I feel life has a way of self correcting for mistakes that shouldnt've happened in the past. I could've taken 2 jobs by now in another state over the past 2 years, but something kept pulling me back. I so glad I didn't go because I would never know this feeling now... both good and bad.

So no, I can't walk away. I want to but I can't and I won't. Yes, I think she's cheating emotionally on her husband... but the marriage died a long time ago. Now just basically roommates... not a good reason to stay in it. I hope she sees this soon. I will never be happy without her... she and I complete and click on so many levels it's scary. I am banking on everything... letting everything ride... all the marbles, pulling out all the stops, going for broke, whatever it takes and wherever it takes. Crazy huh? Totally not me but telling someone "I love you" has never been easier or more true. Ya can't love two people and be married. I say be true to your heart. A talk is coming up with her and I... and I'm terrified of how it will end because she's always been the rational one and usually regrets her decision on these things later saying I was right. I KNOW I'm right on this one. I've never been so clear or so sure of anything in life.

So how do I proceed? Attacking her marriage is not a good option. Even if I reiterate all the things she told me about it and ask her how she could consider staying married to one she doesn't really truly love, her answer isn't fair to either of us as she'll say she can't. Maybe just wait for a few more months for her to sort it out and then bring up this stuff?

Daily e-mails, phone calls, flirting, dates, gifts, contact... you tell me. If these aren't signs, I don't know what is.


Thoughts?

[Fr_Chuck]

First how dare you contact and start seeing a married women, that is just the sign of a real "dog" who does not care about others or moral values at all. I am disgusted.

You stop seeing her, recommend she gets married counseling, AFter a while if her and her husband can't make it, and they divorce in latter time, then after a few months after the divorce you may consider dating her.

If not, may all the misery this type of relationship brings be what you find.

[BMI]

Hey Chicago,

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket, I am only trying to help with what I think is the best think for all parties involved. Whether its what you want to hear is not the concern.

You say that the marriage died but you are in no position to comment on that, its not YOUR marriage. Also, that they are just roomates and that's not a good reason to stay together, again, these are not things that are up to you to deceide. Your justifying the emotional cheating by saying that the marriage is dead and so it lessens the crime, which it doesn't. IF she ends the marriage than you may consider the "signs", as long as you continue to engage in this situation you both are guilty.

I understand what you are saying, believe me. I know whatit is like to want somebody beyond any reason, to do anything for that person, but also to shut out reality and convince myself I am in the right and that this is all for "love", or its fate. Please consider this, I'm not trying to convince you as it seems you will not change your mind and I know its hard to see what I'm seeing when your in the situation and want to see something else. It's wrong Chicago, justifying your feelings and convincing yourself it was "meant to be" will see somebody hurt in the future.

When you do the right thing the right result will happen for you. Please see that.

[ordinaryguy]

So no, I can't walk away. I want to but I can't and I won't.

Yes, you can walk away. You can, but you don't want to and therefore, you won't.

Yes, I think she's cheating emotionally on her husband...but the marriage died a long time ago. Now just basically roommates...not a good reason to stay in it. I hope she sees this soon.

She's either not as dissatisfied with her marriage as she has led you to believe, or she has a higher tolerance for a bad relationship than you do.

A talk is coming up with her and I....and I'm terrified of how it will end because she's always been the rational one and usually regrets her decision on these things later saying I was right. I KNOW I'm right on this one. I've never been so clear or so sure of anything in life.

If you're that sure, tell her to call you when her divorce is final. In the meantime, leave her alone to make her decision. Your constant availability and urging yourself on her is actually what's making it possible for her to continue in this holding pattern, delaying making a decision.

So how do I proceed?
....
Maybe just wait for a few more months for her to sort it out and then bring up this stuff??

A few more months of constant interaction behind her husband's back will produce a few more months of what you already have--vacillation, hesitation, and indecision.

Daily e-mails, phone calls, flirting, dates, gifts, contact....you tell me. If these aren't signs, I don't know what is.

Oh they're signs all right. Signs that she loves the excitement of the forbidden (you) without wanting to give up the comfort of the familiar (him). She's using you, and probably will keep doing it for as long as you let her. You may think you're waiting for her to decide, but actually, she's waiting for you to make her decide.

[chicago95]

Yes, you can walk away. You can, but you don't want to and therefore, you won't.


She's either not as dissatisfied with her marriage as she has led you to believe, or she has a higher tolerance for a bad relationship than you do.


If you're that sure, tell her to call you when her divorce is final. In the meantime, leave her alone to make her decision. Your constant availability and urging yourself on her is actually what's making it possible for her to continue in this holding pattern, delaying making a decision.

A few more months of constant interaction behind her husband's back will produce a few more months of what you already have--vacillation, hesitation, and indecision.


Oh they're signs alright. Signs that she loves the excitement of the forbidden (you) without wanting to give up the comfort of the familiar (him). She's using you, and probably will keep doing it for as long as you let her. You may think you're waiting for her to decide, but actually, she's waiting for you to make her decide.

All very good points. Thank you. However, know this... she initiated first contact, and subsequent e-mails and IM's. Says she cannot stop thinking of me (nor I her), she realizes that she made a wrong choice but is torn between staying in a situation she's expressly said is not too great. I am simply following my heart. In her heart she also feels the same thing. I've asked if she wants me out of her life... she said no. I can think of nothing more cruel than to (as you suggest) turn a cold shoulder to someone as special as she is and who is reaching out for help. That's not me. I did that 7 years ago... and still feel sick about it. Note: I have never offered her advice on her relationship with her husband nor on the subject of divorce. I fully recognize she has to be the one who makes that decision. Says it's so hard because she wants to be with me but not sure if she can divorce and live with those regrets too. Bottom line... if I had not left her life, she and I would be set. She feels trapped. So, maybe this paints a better picture and puts me in a different light?

What are your thoughts now? (For the record, my closest friend who is married and very honorable in his actions sees my side and is supportive) If she was happy in a marriage, why talk to an ex, go on dates with an ex? She's not that type of girl to just enjoy the fact that it's wrong. In fact that is what is making her sick because she knows its not right, but can't help it as she and I have so much more in common than her husband and misses all we had... because she doesn't have that in her marriage... even after counseling. Ultimately, she feels she made a mistake but doesn't know how to get out. It's her move I know on divorce but I do not see any logic nor humaneness in breaking contact with her in this time of need... did I mention she is some isolated and doesn't have many friends to talk to about this??

[rpg219]

Just because she initiated the first contact doesn't mean it's right. I know you would love to think she would never do this to you, but she would. If she is married and it's to the point that the husband knows, and she isn't affected by that... I would worry. Explain that this relationship is not healthy emotionally for either of you... and you must be the one to end it, but this time with good reason. You may have been childish the first time, but from what I see... you haven't done much growing up since then. Not trying to be rude, but what adult thinks it's okay to have a time limit put on conversations and abide by it? If you want no restrictions, she will have to leave. However, do you want that hanging over your head? I would hope not. Please.. please.. please do some soul searching and find the truth and morality to this subject... it's just not right!

[ordinaryguy]

I can think of nothing more cruel than to (as you suggest) turn a cold shoulder to someone as special as she is and who is reaching out for help.

I'm not suggesting cruelty or turning a cold shoulder. Tell her how much you love her and how much it hurts to do the right thing. Tell her how much you hope she decides to get a divorce. All I'm suggesting is that you stop enabling her indecision.

In fact that is what is making her sick because she knows its not right, but can't help it as she and I have so much more in common than her husband and misses all we had...because she doesn't have that in her marriage...even after counseling. Ultimately, she feels she made a mistake but doesn't know how to get out.

She can help it, and she does know how, but your constant presence and availability makes it harder for her to act on her knowledge.

It's her move I know on divorce but I do not see any logic nor humaneness in breaking contact with her in this time of need...did I mention she is some isolated and doesn't have many friends to talk to about this???

The logic and humaneness is in not prolonging unnecessarily a wrong and hurtful situation. Every day that this goes unresolved adds to the karmic baggage that all three of you will have to carry away from it. Do the logical and humane thing and cut it short. If she divorces him and comes to you, your relationship will be healthier for it. If she decides to stick with her marriage, it will be easier to fix, and you will find it easier to move on.

[chicago95]

Just testing to see if last post worked

[Curlyben]

Yes it did

[chicago95]

Fourteen years ago I met the love of my life. Love at first site. Dated for 4 years. Marriage was in future. Split was over little things... nothing fundamentally wrong. Went on to pursue my degree and lived on my own and found myself. Devastated to realize she had been married 6 years. Marriage was mainly rebound from me and a bit pressured. Says she never really loved him... always loved me... and wouldn'tve married if I had given her hope that I'd be back. Her marriage is sexless, emotionless, and no real connection/little in common. Marriage counseling has failed. Have been dating for 2 years now. Exchange birthday gifts and Christmas gifts. Family reaquainted with her. Sleeping together on weekends and taking vacations together. Talk to her/e-mail every day. Has told him she has feelings for me and she wants something different. Says she'll marry me. Going to counseling to get "tools" to get out of marriage and make decision. He doesn't believe in divorce (first wife left him) and she doesn't want to be the instigator of divorce.

Q is this. How long does general counseling of this type last? How long until she may act after counseling to file for divorce?

Spare me the details about "other fish in sea" and "married women off limits". She's different affair is different. Following my heart. Waiting is killing me but she's the one and no one else.

PS... I know there are alotta nay sayers out there. Have you heard of Dr. Nancy Kalish's book "Lost Loves Found" A therapist told me about it. It's a collection of stories about lost loves found again and how people ended perfectly good marriages to go back to their first true love. Goes into detail about how strong and deep a bond sometimes exists between those who really found true love and for one reason or another parted. IT HAPPENS AND you have Ph.D writing about it not too mention... much documentation via letters and stories.

I'm curious to know what one's response is now

[Justwantfair]

Sparing the 'other fish in the sea' and the 'married = unavailable' and came up with nothing.

Good luck to you.

[N0help4u]

Right now you do not need to be the other guy 'that broke them up' in others eyes.
Be supportive of HER decisions without influencing them. Keep your distance as far as romance and dating until she is to a place where she is free to be in a relationship with you.

[Ren6]

Your description certainly didn't sound like a "love of your life" sort of deal. I can't believe you fell for her story, as well. If you get together with this person, you are being disrespectful of an already existing relationship- how would you feel if somebody did that to you?

Try to play the tape ahead a bit to six years or so from now... when she's telling her new boyfriend that she's never loved you, is in a sexless relationship, but she just doesn't want to get divorced...

[88sunflower]

Well lets only hope she is telling the truth to you. But if you were the love of her life why did she take that walk to the alter? Why did she move on and not look back? Why didn't she contact you before she took the leep into marriage? Maybe she is the love of your life, but are you truly the love of her life? Maybe she needs someone and having you there to catch her when she falls from divorce is comforting to her and that's why she tells you those things. Will she still be there or stay? Well we don't know. But I would be cautious and just back away a bit. Because no matter what, you are the other guy. Would she divorce had you not come back in to her life? Maybe not, so you are the other guy, the one that split them.

[ajGambino]

Spare me the details about "other fish in sea" and "married women off limits". She's different affair is different. Following my heart. Waiting is killing me but she's the one and no one else.

Every type of affair is different, don't try to justify your situation.

If you want us to spare the only details that seem to matter, why the hell are you here?

[88sunflower]

Another thing you need to think about. You need to really wonder what is going on in the counsling. Are they there to divorce easily, which there is no easy divorce. Or are they really there to work on the marriage. You only know what she tells you. Trust me I have been in the shoes on the other side. I had the affair and regretted it. But the whole time I was with the other man acting happy, I was at the same time in counseling working on my marriage with out him knowing. You don't know.

[talaniman]

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results, This is the whole story.

Q is this. How long does general counseling of this type last?

It could be years!

How long until she may act after counseling to file for divorce?

She can have a divorce anytime she pleases.

Spare me the details about "other fish in sea" and "married women off limits".

From your history, its obvious you only see what you want to anyway. Like any common dope fiend. Except she is your drug of choice, and you may need help, more than she does.

She's different affair is different.

Cheating is cheating, your reasons will never change that, or justify the actions of you both. Your cheaters, and both of you are not healthy enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

Following my heart.

Thats why you have wasted YEARS, on someone who is sick, and unavailable.

Waiting is killing me but she's the one and no one else.

Thats what all addicted people say.

My advice, get help with your problems, you really are out there, and need to get back to reality, so you can build a fresh happy life.

[MsMewiththat]

Whatever it was that was "little" to break you up in the first place was probably not so "little" at that time. visit that and figure it out.
Also...
What I don't understand is if she is interested in divorce what is there to counsel on? What' the wait... two years is longer than it needs to be if you are who she would like to be with. Life is short and Karma's a b!tch. Be careful what energy you draw back to yourself.
Believe in yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this part time love.
Leave her to decide what it is that she is going to do, right now she has it all. Cake and eating it too. It's not fair to you.