[saffron2903]

Hi Everyone,

I was hopeing for some advice so I can have a conversation with my best friend.

My BF (woman aged 26) was in quite a strict family and was quite and shy when younder was not that into going out or relationships at all she met her current boufriend over the internet at the age of 21 he was the first biy she kissed at all and her first for everything else as well.

Her partner from what she has told me is very mean and controlling I have met him a fair few times and never seen any of these actions but sometimes these things only happen behind closed doors. She has told me of several times when he has said she is ugly fat and others not to mention some rather disturbing acts in the bedroom he has done. When she comes to me with the things he has said I believe some of these have happened but can not help to feel it is a bit egatruated to make some more offensive as she can be easily upset. However I have been there to support her through the ups and downs of this relationship she clearly is in love with him.

Although I do feel he does not treat her the best he could he does not deserve what she is doing ot him at the moment. She took a fancy to one of the guys at our work and for a while (few months) seemed like harmless flirting but then things got a bit more serious between them the new guy is alsoa friend of mine flly aware of the fact my friend is in a ong term relationship but loves her very very much he really does do anything for her treats her very well much better than her current BF, anyway long story short she has been with both of these boys for nearly 3 years now it has gotton a bit out of hand now I feel she needs to ake a decision and stick with it she lives with her current BF and the other guy sees her at work go for lunch time dats and outside of work whenever they can get away with it he seems to treat her much better offering to wait for her until she makes a decision etc but I believe she loves the other guy more as its her first love and she has never left him.


I have offered my advice troughout these issues I have tried every way I can think of I try not to to judge too much as I know she does beat herself up about it and she knows its wrong, I have surgested talking to her BF and explaining why she feel the need to be with some one else I've recommended relationship advice and to try work trough there issues without the other guy. I've also said if she is unhappy to leave her boyfriend as she moved to be here with him and does not want to move away again she sometimes seemed the only reason is because she is scared she won't have anywhere to live or lose her job so I have offered to get a flat with her even though I happily live with my partner, I have cancelled my own annaversary meal as she was upset to give her advice and just be there but as horrible as this sounds I have grown tired with the situation there are only so many times I can give the same advice.


What I really want to do is have a complete heart to heart with her explain it is not fair to either of the men in her life to continue this and it can not last forever but I am finding it hard to advise her which one to be with as I have no idea that has to be her choice but she just won't make it. I even truyed the leave both have a break and make a decision but she is scared to be on her own any help or ideas of what I should give as next advise would help me out of the jam thanks so much.


P.S sorry it's a very lengthly story

[saffron2903]

Also I'm so sorry I forgot to spell check this so I would imagine there are lots of mistakes I apoligise

[h_leann_b]

Well the only thing you can do is give your opinion on the subject. You shouldn't tell her who to be with, but she is leading at least one of these men on. Really all you can do is support her. If she knows that what she is doing is wrong, what else can you do? It sounds like maybe she has some low self esteem; and her boyfriend calling her names IS abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful if not more harmful that physical abuse. If there is abuse going on, she needs to get out of that relationship. And how do you think she feels if even her best friend thinks she is exaggerating the situation? You need to support her, and be there for her.

[liz28]

I am sure she knows what she is doing is wrong. She is only causing herself to be in a love triangle and these things are dangerous.

You done talked to her over and over regarding this and she still haven't learnt nor changed he ways so how more talking your going do?

Soone or later someone will decide for her and the outcome might not be good.

I know you hate to your friends do wrong but sometimes we have to butt out of their business and focus on our own life.

We can talk and talk and repeat the same things over and over but it is up to them to take and listen to our words. We can't change them they have to changed their ways themselves and want to change.

[chuff]

At this point YOU are the one being used. You have given her good advice and she has not taken it. This has happened time and again. There is no point enabling her anymore. If she brings it up tell her flat out you are not there to be her emotional tampon and she can either start doing for herself or take the find someone else to complain to, as you life is to short for this.

[Gemini54]

I think that it is really hard to continue to support a friend when you believe that what they are doing is wrong.

In the end, I think that you have to butt out. It's not your responsibility to have a heart-to-heart with her. It's not your responsibility to solve it for her. You've already provided her with advice, you've told her where you stand - you can do no more.

Ultimately, it's her choice to continue to live in this way, and she has to be responsible for the consequences.

I have been in a similar situation and found that the continued talking about it only fed the situation and kept it 'alive'. What I did in the end, was that I stopped talking about the issue with her, did not bring it up, and gave it short shift when it did come up.

I stopped making that issue the basis of our communication, and surprisingly, I felt better and the friendship improved.

My friend continues to have the issue in her life, but I no longer feel involved with it.