[called it quits]

Met my x fiancé 4 years ago and we hit it off really fast. When I met him I told him I was moving back to NJ from Texas. He told me he could move anywhere and we dated for a year before I moved. I sold my house and we packed our stuff on the uhaul truck and the day I left he told me he wasn't coming and it is over. I still moved and we got back together and did a long distant thing for 9 months because he was still going to try and move. We saw each other a lot and during one visit he called and said he was not getting on the plane because he does not want to move to NJ and he ended it again. I flew down to Texas and said I would move back if it meant us being together forever. Our 3rd year together I moved back to Texas and we were having a house built. He proposed in Aug. 09 and in Oct. we closed on our new home that he promised to put me on the title just in case something ever happened to him before we got married. Oct. his mom was diagnosed with cancer and we put the wedding planning on a slower path to not seem selfish by planning a wedding. We went to look at a few places and he started having panic attacks. I thought it was because of his mom. The day after my 30th birthday before leaving for Vegas I sensed something was wrong and made him talk to me and he said things are very very bad and he wanted to end everything. He said we want different things and he wants to do the things he wants to do. My whole family is from NJ and it has been a lot of pressure with me wanting to live near them. He also has had a problem with alcohol, when he starts to drink he can't stop and it changes who he is. His first serious girlfriend died with him in the car because she was drinking and driving without her seatbelt on. Then he married her best friend who he allowed her to do cocaine and she cheated on him with his best friend. He is a strong believer in every man for them self. He thinks that you can state your concern about what someone is doing wrong but they should still be able to do what they want. I tried to control his drinking by avoiding going to bars and the lake and when I would come to NJ to visit he would do all the things he wanted because I was not there to stop him. When I was still living in NJ he got a DWI and promise to not drink so much. I never gave up on him and he just quit on us and ended it. During the breakup it has been like a divorce he never put me on the title of the house and had me sign some other papers which gave me no right to the house. (deed of trust) I have sacrificed so much and now I have to quit my job and move all my stuff back to NJ because I moved here for only him, I have not family here. I am no picnic either, I am very strong willed and when I am mad or upset I let you know it. I can be confrontational and have high expectations for the person I will spend the rest of my life with. He keeps it all inside then when it gets too much he runs. We were fighting a lot the last few months but never thought it was terminal. His mom is the same way very puppet like. Her husband goes away on business for weeks and then comes home and goes right to his boat without seeing her and has younger girls on his boat. His brothers are selfish and also have some addictive personalities with drugs. And I have told him many times how I feel about his family but he always sticks up for them and won't say anything to them because he doesn't like confrontation. When it comes to his job though he is very responsible and makes a lot of money selling oil and gas and is a very good salesmen. For 4 years he always made me think what was important to me was what was important to him. He was always trying to make me happy because he couldn't give me Jersey. He would write me poems and was always great help around the house and did whatever I needed him to do. We did everything together, sports, golf, fishing, hiking, racing cars. I am a not a shopping kind of girl I love football and wakeboarding and that is why we got a long so well. Can't believe he rather drink, smoke, dip than be with me forever. Don't understand. Any insight would help. It hurts to know I will never see him again after all I have done to be with him.

[called it quits]

Sorry proposed aug. 08

[Sphira]

Oh honey

U poor thing away from your family with a man who smokes and has that manyy emotional hurdels I can think of only 3 options you
A-try to reconcile then try and help him though this mess of his
B-try and reconcile then accept all his problems as part of him

Or

C-GO HOME SEE YOUR FAMILY AND FIND NEW LOVE IN THE FUTURE I Don't BELIEVE ITS WORTH THE SUFFERING

[liz28]

No matter what you can't control his drinking habit nor help him stop. He has to want to stop and then seek professional help by going to an AAA group and counseling.

I don't know why you trusted his words and gave up what you knew by moving back to where he was because his actions and words were always contradicted and he let you down so many times.

You can't place your trust in a drunk. He have a lot of unresolve issues and grief. Change with him won't happen overnight and it might take him months if not years to get himself in order but again he has to make to get himself in order.

You gave up a lot while he gave up nothing.

The only thing you can do with yourself is move on and I know it is easier said then done but it doesn't seems like he have any good influences around him. It is easy to do bad when everyone you know he.

Sorry this happen but it happens. You know why this engagement was put off by him but it is better this happen now then while the two of you was married. Marriage is easy to get into but is hard and expensive to get out of. You just dodged a big silver bullet.
He wasn't the right mate for you. I know you love him but set the love aside and look at him for the person he is and know you can't change him nor his way.

[none12345]

I personally think this relationship is too complicated. You've done too much for him and still you haven't had your happy ending yet. I don't think that will happen in this relationship. A relationship should be two people sharing their lives together not sacrificing your own for the other.

I think its best to let go and save yourself all the pain and find a relationship that doesn't hurt that much and brings much more happiness. I realize its hard to do that but you got to do what's best for you.

[makapuu]

It sounds like you have made many sacrifices for this man, and he's made none for you and you are OK with that. You said that he is a strong believer in every man for himself. It's true- People are motivated by what is gained from their actions.
You are dealing with a guy that is going to take you for all that you will give. This is a guy that is wishy-washy about moving to NY, and getting married, but he didn't put you on title to the house, and even made you sign papers to make it perfectly clear that you have no entitlements to the house you two would be living in.
You say, "It hurts to know I will never see him again after all I have done to be with him." I'd say cut your losses.

[talaniman]

He has problems that you can't help him with, and now you must realize you have dodged a bullet, and your misery and pain are over. Heal, and enjoy your freedom, and a chance to be happy.

[susangpyp]

He's an addict deep in his disease. He's not able to see past the fog and he's not able to be a partner to you. Even if he stopped tomorrow he would have a long hill to climb to be the type of person you want and need.

The question is why are you attracted to him? What is in it for you? Even if he's the most wonderful guy in the world, his problems are IMMENSE and anyone would tell you to run run run and keep running.

You might want to read Codependent No More and check out some Al-Anon or NarAnon or CODA meetings...

... but the main point is to focus on YOU and what you're doing and where you go from here.

It sounds like the relationship would have been a disaster as he got deeper into his disease and you unraveled. In addict relationships the partner of the addict often gets so much sicker than the addict.

Thank your lucky stars you are OUT and work on you.

You can get over this. You really can.