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lavendar35 · May 19, 2009, 05:18 PM

Wow thanks a lot, thanks to all of you who keep checking back.. I check back here everyday to see what new comments have been posted, I print them out and I stick them on my bedroom wall.. (a little extreme but the only thing I can do to help myself recover).

The reason I am so afraid of this experience is because I feel no decent man will want me anymore. I feel as though if the next guy comes along and I admit to him I've experimented with oral sex at 16, he will be a little hesitant about me. My biggest fear however is remaining single for the rest of my life. My biggest fear is never getting married, and I feel like even if a guy does fall for me... after learning that I've tried oral sex he will be a little taken aback. Not getting married has always been my fear, always. Out of insecurity, out of god knows what... but it's a huge phobia of mine and sometimes I lay awake wondering what I will do if I don't find the right guy.

People tell me I'm blowing it way out of proportion. But I feel used, and having hurt his ego, when we talk (which I should stop doing, I know) and fight, he calls me a whore. I tell him that there is huge irony in that... but he doesn't listen. I'm afraid he will spread rumors about me, and then no one will want to marry me. Is not being married a completely irrational fear? What can I do to help myself get over this fear? I have this mindset that all men want the pure, untouched virgin... and I feel like, although I'm a virgin, I'm not as pure anymore and men will have second thoughts about me...

smoothy · May 19, 2009, 05:24 PM

Only idiots will be hesitant... MOST women I have dated were not vigins... and in fact I never thought badly of any of them at the time. Breakups were over personality conflicts or other reasons. Never over virginity.

Simple... STOP talking to him... you are only perpetuating this and letting him get to you, and thus have power over you. Get a restraining order if you must... but stop any form of contact. Right now... and forever.

Based on your obviously excellent english I assume you are not in a third world country that makes a big deal about virginity... and not surprisingly those are nearly always arrainged marriages as well.

You really do need to speak with your therapist about this. Because that really is an irrational fear. VERY few guys will walk away from a woman because she is not a virgin. I have dated several women that were victims of a real rape and worse abuse, and that woman suffered some horrific abuse in her childhood, she was still also one of the most incredible women I have ever known in my life, and I don't say that lightly. Don't think guys ignore the person you are to focus on something like that in your past, everyone has a past, not everyone is proud of theirs... what matters is the person you are now... and will be in the future.

Xrayman · May 19, 2009, 05:39 PM

I'm not sure if that could legally constitute rape... but it must be close. And no you don't have to have vaginal penitration to be raped. If there are any real lawyers reading this thread maybe they could clarify that fine line.

In australia we call it sexual abuse -ILLEGAL.
And it may constitute rape-ORAL RAPE is the term we use here.

There are MANY forms of rape-this dude is at the very least a stalker and (in this country) would maybe even classified as a high risk rapist.

She could really push the issue here, she needs an intervention order and to RECORD every abusive phone call-he is sick.
Most answering machines can record the conversation. Then she needs to go to the police so there is a RECORD of abuse from this person-this all adds weight to protection orders etc.

I am not a lawyer, but I have a pretty good idea of what's wrong and illegal-at least here.-most countries are close to the same standards.

Gemini54 · May 19, 2009, 07:04 PM

Dear lavendar, in the end the only person that can deal with your thoughts and fears is YOU.

Yes, your thoughts and fears are irrational:

I feel no decent man will want me anymore. I feel as though if the next guy comes along and I admit to him I've experimented with oral sex at 16, he will be a little hesitant about me. My biggest fear however is remaining single for the rest of my life. My biggest fear is never getting married.

We all experiment with sex and your new partners will be no different. Believing that this experience will affect your chances of marriage, makes absolutely no sense at all. Try and think this through rationally - why would it? It's only your fears that are telling you this and they have no basis in fact.

I'm afraid he will spread rumors about me, and then no one will want to marry me. Is not being married a completely irrational fear? What can I do to help myself get over this fear? I have this mindset that all men want the pure, untouched virgin...

This is also not based in fact - for a start, most women (and men) in Western countries are not virgins whan they marry and this is a positive thing for their relationships.

To keep obsessing about this thing is not healthy. Re-read KP's advice:

a person could lie to you, fool you, get you to kiss them passionately, and then dump you. That doesn't mean kissing is a bad thing. It means that person was bad to you.

This experience has been painful for you, but it's 'training' for how you will deal with other future difficult experiences in your life. It's really important that you develop a sense of perspective on it and develop resilience in response to adversity rather then going into a downward spiral of self loathing each time something challenging happens.

Pull yourself out if it! Go out with friends, watch movies, spend time with your family, throw yourself into your school work. Speak to a school counsellor if you have to.

You are being morbid and self indulgent if you continue like this. I repeat, the only person that can control your thoughts and fears is YOU.

Fr_Chuck · May 19, 2009, 07:11 PM

As one get order finding or dating someone that has never had sex is rare. And to be honest in most cases a person does not ask, and there is no reason to have to explain this to the next person unless it is causing you problems

Catsmine · May 20, 2009, 02:09 AM

Lavendar, every time you pick up the phone and talk to him you are digging this hole you are in a little deeper. Notice that all the advice we have given can be boiled down to one phrase:

STOP DIGGING!

If you let him continue to call and abuse you, you are making it worse. You are getting way too close to self-destructive behavior already. Please get away from this relationship before it kills you.

talaniman · May 20, 2009, 05:07 AM

You need to be careful, and see how your fears, and insecurities, are making you go down some very unhealthy paths.

Leave the guys alone, and get healthy by building a life that you enjoy with real friends, and realistic goals for the future. That will raise your confidence, and self esteem, and then you can be happy, with who you are.

It makes little sense, and is very dangerous, for you to worry about what some unnamed, unseen guy, will think of you. Be happy with yourself, and a real man will love, and accept you for who you are, and not be worried about what you did as a kid.

Look in the mirror everyday, and tell the one you see "I Love You"!!

Synnen · May 20, 2009, 05:51 AM

I have to ask the original poster here (and I'm sorry if I missed it, if it's already posted)--what country are you in? Are you in a Western country (like the US) or are you in a country where more emphasis is placed on the purity of a woman, like in the Middle East?

lavendar35 · May 20, 2009, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

I have to ask the original poster here (and I'm sorry if I missed it, if it's already posted)--what country are you in? Are you in a Western country (like the US) or are you in a country where more emphasis is placed on the purity of a woman, like in the Middle East?

No I'm not in the Middle East actually, I live in Canada and have been for the last 11 years. I am Middle Eastern myself however, born in Iran. The emphasis comes from my parents... they keep telling me: if you stay "good", many decent men will want to marry you. And we all know what staying "good" means. My parents, having been born and raised in Iran until they were both 30-something, have ideals that make me put virginity on a pedestal, to the point where I've become obsessive and destructive, like talaniman, Gemini, Smoothy, Catsmine and Artlady pointed out very correctly.

smoothy · May 21, 2009, 05:35 AM

Well you aren't in Iran... and you don't go for the arrainged marriage thing.

You really have nothing to worry about. Any guy that worries more about your virginity status than he does about your personality is the sort of man you don't want to make a life with anyway.

I know you don't recognise this yet, but you really do have far more opportunities to find the right man than you would if you actually were in Iran. Most Western men do not have the same mindset and that for you is a good thing. We care more about the kind of woman you are and your personality... if you are or are not a virgin is not somethiing most of us even care about.

dontknownuthin · May 21, 2009, 02:18 PM

You are still a virgin. The bigger issue, I hope, is that you learned that you need to be in control of decisions over your sexuality.

You should never do anything sexual out of feelings of pressure or in response to a threat. You would not be the first person to say "no", and it's not a bad way to find out who's in the relationship for the right reason. If a man leaves because you aren't comfortable with sexual contact yet, well - let him go. The one who shares your values will stick around.

lavendar35 · May 23, 2009, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

You are still a virgin. The bigger issue, I hope, is that you learned that you need to be in control of decisions over your sexuality.

You should never do anything sexual out of feelings of pressure or in response to a threat. You would not be the first person to say "no", and it's not a bad way to find out who's in the relationship for the right reason. If a man leaves because you aren't comfortable with sexual contact yet, well - let him go. The one who shares your values will stick around.

Thanks to all of you.. you have all contributed to my returned sanity. I will stop over analyzing this, be happy that we are not together anymore, and remember that I don't live in Iran and will have many opportunities to hit it off with men who share and/or respect my values. You are all great people, putting aside time to help out someone like me, with no benefits to yourselves. I will also never do anything with anyone if it makes me feel uncomfortable and as cliché as this sounds.. I will listen to my gut feelings and remain a virgin (by continuing to say no) for many future years to come and hope that in the future, the man who I become close with will help me get over this abuse.. I will also set more time aside for myself and my friends.. to help me recover and possibly help myself confidence. Much thanks, I wish the best for all of you because your kindness speaks volumes.

Catsmine · May 23, 2009, 05:32 PM

You're welcome to come back anytime, with questions or just to chat, or maybe with an answer.

dontknownuthin · May 26, 2009, 06:14 PM

You're very welcome. Just know that most people have made some mistakes dating (think of the countless men and women who have awakened after a one night stand for the walk of shame home). Just make better choices moving forward, and don't make too much of past regrets.

kp2171 · May 26, 2009, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by lavendar35

Thanks to all of you..you have all contributed to my returned sanity.

Thanks for the thanks... just remember... when somebody has an answer to a problem, its often because we've made the same mistake, or something similar, often more than once.

I'm glad when someone finds my advice useful, but I always want that person to know it wasn't divine knowledge. Step in dog crap enough times and you might learn to avoid it.

Icky analogy, I know... but still... I've made more mistakes than right choices... so don't be too hard on yourself. That doesn't mean you ignore the past. Doesn't mean don't demand more of and for yourself.

But really... most of us have made similar mistakes along the way, even if the details aren't the same.

So take the time to breathe in and out... take time to take time.. and don't punish yourself too much for the noise of the past. Good people do dumb things. I'm the poster child for that statement. ;)

Your seeking help and talking your way through this shows you have the courage to demand more, and the willingness to face your "mistakes."

That's a big deal.

musicianguybrum · May 31, 2009, 07:25 PM

At the end of the day, you are rid of him. That's all that matters. He has manipulated you. I have a tendency to be impatient, but at the end of the day, if 1/2 of the couple isn't ready, then you just have to wait.

To be nasty about the blowjobs you gave him, was cruel, heartless and damn selfish...

You sound like a loyal, sweet and caring young lady. Just follow your heart and don't ever do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, if the other person can't hack it, tell him to bog off (in the nicest possible way).

About you still being attached to him, this is natural, you spent a long time with him. Just keep moving forward, enjoy life, and just be patient. Prince charming will find you!

griffers90 · Jun 4, 2009, 11:25 AM

You poor girl hun! If he really did that to you then he did you a favour by leaving (trust me it only gets worse) But as you seem quite distracted by the point of virginity I will clarify that you only loose your virginity if his penis entered your vagina so to me sounds like you are indeed a virgin. Just be careful who you give it up to OK?

lavendar35 · Jun 4, 2009, 08:19 PM

KP, thanks for your kind words and having realized my mistake, I am trying my hardest to currently move forward from this, occupying myself with exams until the summer.

Musician, thanks a lot, and I hope that's what it'll be like.. I hope I find my "prince charming" one day, because it's not difficult for me to be loyal to someone for the rest of my life.. in fact I'm crossing my fingers that I will find that someone and look forward to being with them permanently..

And Griffers, many thanks hun, and don't you worry.. I will be careful *lol*.. too careful probably to the point of obsession, so I'm waiting until I'm married simply for moral reasons... thanks again!

I hope this thread is open in a year or two so I can come back and post something and thank you all again, because hopefully then I will be in a better stage of my life!
~