[snowshark]

My boyfriend & I of four years broke up completely. It wasn't something sprung on me, I know it's been brewing for about 2 months now. He tells me he still cares about me, sees himself with me in the future, would be devastated if we were no longer close or didn't speak, but right now a relationship is just "too hard", and he doesn't feel the same as he did at the beginning. He has also been my best friend throughout the relationship, so everything you would normally pour out to a best friend about how terrible & upset you feel, I poured out to him, and seemed to play the "pity me" card. I also have a job working with him very closely until September. By very closely I mean we are in the same vehicle together all day, & are often out of town together. I would quit the job, but I absolutely need it, my father is the manager, and the two of us had been planning to work for him since January or earlier.

I want him back, obviously. I know this is something that could be worked on, but I'm afraid that I have already ruined our chances of being together by letting him see how vunerable I am, and how much he hurt me. He can also never really feel what it will feel like to miss me if he sees me practically everyday. I just need some advice. Do you think there's a chance of fixing this? Am I wasting my time?

[artlady]

He doesn't feel the same as he did at the beginning.That's what happens after four years. The honeymoon rarely last forever.

The hearts and flowers are replaced by a deeper and more well rounded love.

Bottom line is that it is only worth saving if both people are willing to make a commitment to it and he has stated that he does not.You can't force someone to care when the feelings are gone.

People do fall out of love and while they may still love the person deeply that *in love* feeling that keeps relationships alive is gone.

I think it is in your best interest to begin to separate from him emotionally as it seems that he is gone from you in that way.

You need to accept what he is telling you and try to create a new relationship,based only on your work and keep all other personal business from him.

That is the only way to spare yourself further hurt.Denial will get you no where.
Sorry,that is just how I see it from this end.

[taoplr]

No, you haven't ruined your chances of having the relationship you want with him. If you stayed GF and BF, or were married long enough (assuming a good marriage) you would expose your vulnerabilities and he would expose his. That's what people in healthy relationships do. You might have turned him off with the volume of revelations you expressed, or the intensity, and/or by playing the "pity me" card, but that's repairable. Just don't repeat the mistake of dumping it all on him all at once.

Since you will be working together for the next 3 months or so, you will have plenty of opportunities to reveal yourself to him bit by bit and to gauge his responses. If he has room in himself to know you as you truly are, your friendship will deepen. If he has no room to know you, he's a bad candidate for a long-term relationship. And that goes both ways. Are you ready to know him at depth?

Meanwhile, about what do you feel "terrible & upset?" Was it his distancing himself of other issues in your life? If you have issues, remember that some of them aren't his business; they are yours to deal with by yourself or with people who are equipped to do that work.

My advice: Carry on as working partners as if nothing had happened in your personal lives. Let yourselves be friends as well as colleagues. Don't push for getting back together. If you are good for each other, it will show. Cultivate respect.

Tao

[talaniman]

Going from lovers to just friends is a hard thing to do, but short of someone quitting their job, keep it strictly business.

Trying to get him back, will only put your jobs in worse danger, and then you will really be uncomfortable working with him.

My father is the manager,

Is it possible to change assignments, without going into the personal stuff?

[88sunflower]

From what you said my impression is he wants to break up, but still keep you close enough in case he wants you back. That's just how I read in to it. Like maybe there might me someone else and if it doesn't work for him he will take you back.