[lavendar35]

First off, let me say that I have a mild case of OCD... I become quickly obsessed about trivial matters and destroy myself mentally thinking about it, until I take a deep breath and occupy myself... only to have the thoughts come back a little while later.

My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me about a month ago. Being my first boyfriend, he knew I was very inexperienced and thought the only way he could educate me on sex was to constantly ask for oral sex starting from the very first MONTH of dating. I should have ran and never looked back at that point when I could have, but I didn't and stayed and kept refusing to have intercourse or perform oral for him.

It kept getting worse and worse.. he would threaten to leave me, he would constantly tell me he was scoping other girls out "wondering if they could please him" unlike me, he would call me a child, accuse me of having psychological issues (oh, the irony) and he would say that "we're not a normal couple" and that all the problems in the relationship were my fault, and my inability to be physical with him. Anyway, after a year and a half of putting up with his crap, I caved. I was doing hand jobs, but I attempted oral multiple times for about a minute or two, stopping due to feelings of guilt and regret every time. He would comfort me saying that it was okay because I was new at this, but during arguments he would always make fun of my "2 minute blow jobs". If you're wondering why I didn't leave, it was because I was, and still am, extremely insecure and I was very attached to him... I know that's no excuse, but it's the best one I have.

So he ended up dumping me, saying that had "spoken to others about our relationship and that they had felt sorry" for him, for not "getting any" for a year and half. Now, I'm left here with myself and my own thoughts. I wish I had never even attempted those "2 minute blow jobs".. it is making me feel like crap... I've read some responses on this forum with people saying that "sex is sex" and that some wouldn't consider me a virgin anymore. I am Iranian, and in my culture virginity is a huge deal (culturally, religiously, who knows why a piece of tissue is such a huge deal?), and although I am agnostic myself, I feel like a virgin man in the future will be hesitant once I admit to performing oral... but then again, I wouldn't want to be with a man like that to begin with, but it still scares me to think about it. I wish I had never gotten naked for my ex, never given him the "2 minute blow jobs".. I feel extremely guilty, why do I feel like this and what can I do? Thanks a lot for reading my post.

[artlady]

I assume that you feel guilty because you were more or less forced to do something you did not feel comfortable with.

It is called emotional blackmail and he was very wrong to push you this way.

He has made you feel this way by his selfish and demeaning comments.

Do not give him that power.

Unless there was penetration,I would say,you are indeed a virgin.
You are also lucky to be rid of someone who would want you to forget your values for his pleasure.

[liz28]

I agree with Artlady.

You should never do something you don't want to do and this includes being pressure to things.

I am glad you left but wished it was sooner than later. This guy only wanted sex and didn't respect your decision to stay a virgin.

Please never stay with someone like him.

In order for you to not be a virgin, his penis had to actually go into your vagina. It doesn't matter if it was a quarter or half way in. Once it was in your no longer was a virgin.

I respect your you decided to stay a virgin and there are guys out there that would respect your wishes to.

[Fr_Chuck]

You learn an important lesson about not doing anything you don't feel good about doing

So you learn that a boy that really cares for you will never ask or make you do something you don't want.

[bronzebabe]

He's a user. If you had sex with him, he would have left you and told bad things, lies, about you. You need to learn that guys like him, are bad. Don't ever bother with him again. he is scum, and not worth another thought.

[ScottGem]

If there was no penile penetration then you are a virgin.

The only guilt you should feel at what you did is for allowing yourself to be used by him. But you did nothing wrong. Sexually gratifying an adult partner through manual and oral stimualtion is not wrong as long as there is mutual consent.

This guy is a loser who used you until he got what he wanted then dumped you. I see no reason to tell any future partners you have what you did before them.

[Gemini54]

This guy was a bully and a sleaze. His constant harassment put you into the position of doing things against your better judgement.

Two minute blow jobs are just that. Two minute blow jobs. They are not sexual intercourse and you are still a virgin.

Congratulations for not giving into his demands, imagine how much worse you would feel if you had. You should be proud that you listened to your instincts on this one.

You say you stayed because you were insecure and attached to him - I have to ask, why did he stay so long if he wasn't getting what he wanted? Perhaps he enjoyed bullying you?

[lavendar35]

You say you stayed because you were insecure and attached to him - I have to ask, why did he stay so long if he wasn't getting what he wanted? Perhaps he enjoyed bullying you?

He said he had loved me and although it was nothing like the love that someone can imagine, I honestly think it was HIS way of loving... he honestly thought with love comes sex (which to an extent is true, if no partner abuses the other) and if one is missing he said, it's a deal breaker. He had tried to break up with me numerous times before that but he would burst into tears and so would I and it would only be a tear fest... he was unhappy in our relationship due to the lack of sexual activities, but we still had immense feelings for each other and I loved him.. we still talk on the phone but don't see each other in person because we're afraid of developing stronger feelings. He still tells me that he will get married to me one day and how our daily married day routine will go.. etcetc, and I'm just sitting there listening to him tell me how much he loves me after hurting me so much? And I don't even know what to think I mean, we've broken up, there is no reason for his sweet talk anymore, he knows I won't sleep with him... so why does he do it? He has proved to be there for me over and over again when I needed him but he always said "I love as much as you let me love you, when you put up boundaries, you stop me from loving you as much as I can." Typical guilt trip... I never knew what to think, never knew if he truly loved me or not.. because despite all the abuse, he did stay for a year and a half.. a lot longer than most men who only want sex. Also, thanks a lot for your response Gemini :)

[Gemini54]

he has proved to be there for me over and over again when I needed him but he always said "I love as much as you let me love you, when you put up boundaries, you stop me from loving you as much as I can." Typical guilt trip... I never knew what to think, never knew if he truly loved me or not.. because despite all the abuse, he did stay for a year and a half.. a lot longer than most men who only want sex.

Yea, it's really confusing - I may well be very wrong - perhaps he wasn't a bully - perhaps he just didn't know when to stop trying for something he wasn't going to get.

Perhaps he genuinely liked you - but if he did, why didn't he respect your culture and your wishes?

The only thing that I can see is that despite the fact that you cared for each other, there were serious impediments to your continued happiness as a couple.

In the end you'll hopefully find that it's for the best. It's a good experience and you've learned a lot. Sadly, we seem to learn the most when we experience difficult times.

There will be someone else, and this time you'll know that you want YOUR wishes respected. Don't take anything less.

[Xrayman]

You are fine.
He is an emotional abuser.
He's dumped.
You are still a virgin.

You don't have to tell everybody (future partners) all of your past history.

Enjoy your present singlehood.
Then wait for the right man to come along, as you are now doing.

Best wishes.

[smoothy]

I'm not sure if that could legally constitute rape... but it must be close. And no you don't have to have vaginal penitration to be raped. If there are any real lawyers reading this thread maybe they could clarify that fine line.

The guy was real scum... there is pressure... and then there is what he did. Be glad he is gone and out of your life. You don't need people like that.

Quite honestly... I've had sex with nearly every woman I ever dated in the first two weeks much less month, sometimes the first date. But that was concentual when it happened... and nobody was ever pressured into it.

[lavendar35]

Smoothy, I was reading your other posts about virginity and the answer you and others had provided. Would you consider me a virgin or not? And thanks a lot for your response and everyone else who has put the time to help me out so far. You guys are all great people.

And about the rape issue.. just thinking about that sends goosebumps down my spine. He did emotionally abuse me but he never laid his hands on me is why I keep thinking it can't be rape, but emotional black mail is just as bad I suppose.

[smoothy]

Quite honestly you fall into a grey area in my mind... The innocence is gone, and you can't get that back. Technically you remain a virgin assuming he never got in your pants by most standards, but spiritually I think that's gone. Not many people are going to agree with me here with that. And I don't care to go through that argument with them all again either. Its just my opinion.

My personal viewpoint is any form of penitration ends virginity... oral, anal or vaginal. But with that said... I don't think you are in a culture that puts excessive value on that like some repressive cultures do. Keep in mind most people got baths once a year if at all when some of these definitions were put down in writing thousands of years ago... obviously some things just weren't done (very often anyway) given the hygene standards of the times. I feel that influenced the narrow scope some use for virgin.

You know it was something you were pressured into by a less than nice guy. Just remember this as well as other things can be a wonderful and pleasurable thing with the right guy who truly loves and respects you. And try to not focus on what this guy pushed you into. You are who you choose to be... and your worth is not defined by a single word... "virgin" but by your concience actions.

[Catsmine]

Lavendar,

You have been abused and bullied by a very accomplished bully. The calling after you broke up and describing married life while he masturbates is artistry(you didn't say it, but I'm betting). He's not worth answering the phone. See how long he continues to "be there" once you make it absolutely clear he has no chance anymore.

[lavendar35]

Lavendar,

You have been abused and bullied by a very accomplished bully. The calling after you broke up and describing married life while he masturbates is artistry(you didn't say it, but I'm betting). He's not worth answering the phone. See how long he continues to "be there" once you make it absolutely clear he has no chance anymore.

Wow, honestly your comment was pure genius. I really hope you know these details because you read my other posts, otherwise I will have to set up a temple in your honor. In fact, only a few nights ago he called (yes.. we still talk, I couldn't cold turkey cut him out of my life, but we don't see each other) and said "you know I'm going to get married to you right? I hope you know one day I'm going to marry you..". He is so obsessed with being my first that nothing else matters to him, he STILL asks me "so, when do you think you'll be ready?" and acts as though he didn't just dump me 2 months ago. I've tried dating others to forget him, and it almost worked.. except the guy who I was fond of told me he didn't feel a "connection" with me and chose another girl to be with. But like others have said, I should probably make myself stronger before I go into another relationship. Am I making a bigger deal than I should about my virgin status? I feel like I'm being very obsessive...

[Catsmine]

Find a nice group of people who share some of your interests (other than virginity, lol).

Make some friends.

When one asks you out, go.

Forget this p***k, completely.

If and when you're asked, hopefully about the sixth month of your next relationship, don't lie, you were pressured into oral sex. If you didn't like it the first time, a good prospect will be ecstatic to teach you the pleasure of giving and receiving. You can always say no.

You can always say no.

You can always say no.

You can always say no.

[Gemini54]

Wow, honestly your comment was pure genius. I really hope you know these details because you read my other posts, otherwise I will have to set up a temple in your honor. In fact, only a few nights ago he called (yes..we still talk, I couldn't cold turkey cut him out of my life, but we don't see each other) and said "you know I'm going to get married to you right? I hope you know one day I'm going to marry you..". He is so obsessed with being my first that nothing else matters to him, he STILL asks me "so, when do you think you'll be ready?" and acts as though he didn't just dump me 2 months ago. I've tried dating others to forget him, and it almost worked..except the guy who I was fond of told me he didn't feel a "connection" with me and chose another girl to be with. But like others have said, I should probably make myself stronger before I go into another relationship. Am I making a bigger deal than I should about my virgin status? I feel like I'm being very obsessive...

Eeeew. That casts a whole different light on the situation. I mean really - WHY would you keep talking to this guy?

Instead, why don't you build a temple in your own honour and forget about him, his obsessions and your obsessions. In the end you're feeding both obsessions by continuing to talk to him because it keeps bringing it up again for you.

Be realistic, you're not going to put the experience completely aside in 2 months, but you can make a start:

Start by deciding NEVER to speak with him again.
Start by acknowledging that his influence in your life has been toxic.
Start by telling yourself that you are worth more than just your virginity.
Start by letting go of this obsessive thinking which wastes your time and head space.
Start by doing something useful - study, work, family, whatever - consciously shift your focus to something outside of yourself.

It will be hard, but it's time to let this issue go - it's consumed too much of your time and energy already.

[smoothy]

Wow, honestly your comment was pure genius. I really hope you know these details because you read my other posts, otherwise I will have to set up a temple in your honor. In fact, only a few nights ago he called (yes..we still talk, I couldn't cold turkey cut him out of my life, but we don't see each other) and said "you know I'm going to get married to you right? I hope you know one day I'm going to marry you..". He is so obsessed with being my first that nothing else matters to him, he STILL asks me "so, when do you think you'll be ready?" and acts as though he didn't just dump me 2 months ago. I've tried dating others to forget him, and it almost worked..except the guy who I was fond of told me he didn't feel a "connection" with me and chose another girl to be with. But like others have said, I should probably make myself stronger before I go into another relationship. Am I making a bigger deal than I should about my virgin status? I feel like I'm being very obsessive...

Like I told you, Do not let a single word define who you are or are not... "Virgin".

Unless you are part of a culture that has a history of doing horrible things to women that aren't. Such as Pakistan, parts of India... parts of Africa, then its not something to obsess over having lost.

YOU are the person you chose to be based on your actions and choices. Yes that was taken away from you by a scum... you should refuse any further contact with him, and if he calls hang up on him. Eventually he will get the message. Get his number blocked, and tell him STOP calling... if he refuses to leave you alone, then go to your local police station and ask them about how to get a restraining order issued against him.

The guy HAS to bcome history if you are to move forward. Not every person you meet will work out, some may take a few dates or a few months, but it is important to move forward if that happens. You will never find that one "Right" person without this process, Mr. Right is far better then Mr. He'll Do.

[talaniman]

Am I making a bigger deal than I should about my virgin status? I feel like I'm being very obsessive...

I think that's more about the ones who are trying to take it from you, than what you actually feel. You have been through one heckuva learning experience with a guy who, may have cared, but not enough to respect you.

That being said, its your responsibility to stand up for yourself, and not be lead by love, or lust. Those that love themselves for who they are, seldom fall for someone else's BS.

What you did was because you cared for him, more than you cared for yourself, and he exploited it. But now you know better than to let the needs of another, overshadow your own.

You clearly need to love yourself enough to forgive yourself, and move forward from this.

[kp2171]

Jumping in here late. Mostly just giving props to those who posted before me.

As you've seen, there are conflicting opinions about what defines virginity. I follow what most do... that intercourse is what ends virginity. Does sexually active virgin sound strange? Maybe. But that's where id place you... not having intercourse, but sexually active.

Yes... I think you are "making too much" out of being a virgin. And I'm so not trying to minimize those who choose abstinence or those who actually think about sex and all of the consequences that come with it... my first Big Love was a girl I dated through HS and college. Seven years total. We both refrained from intercourse for over two years. Yes... we were sexually active. Hand stim, oral... but she wanted to wait and I was willing to do the same, tho' it wasn't always easy. Eventually we decided to stop waiting. That said, even when it was tough to hold back, there was also a comfort in not having to worry about it all the time.

The reason why I think you might be "making too much" about what you are defined as is because... while its nice to think your "first" will be special... that doesn't mean sex with my next lover was any less meaningful. In fact, id say each new relationship added a depth of understanding and appreciation for sex as a means of showing intimacy and connecting to that other person. Sex with my partner today is absolutely not "worth less" than it was the first time I made love.

I hope you can somehow separate the power struggles and the mind games this guy played from sex. Do your best to try to not let the emotional baggage from this guy jade your experiences in the future.

Oral sex on this guy doesn't mean this is what oral sex is. I know it will take time to get this guy and the feeling associated with sex out of your head... but he doesn't define what good sex is. He doesn't define loving touch. Your experience here is not what oral sex "is"... it is just your experience so far. So try not to let this experience jade you about sex in the future.

However... do let this experience help you understand how you need to be in control, be comfortable, and not be blackmailed or threatened into doing something you are not ready to do... or at least not ready to do it under those circumstances.

A person could lie to you, fool you, get you to kiss them passionately, and then dump you. That doesn't mean kissing is a bad thing. It means that person was bad to you. I think this situation is similar, though there's a clear escalation of sexual activity in your case.

As for the "we will marry someday"... no... you won't. Young loves are often like that. Been there myself. Had every intention of marrying my first big love. Thank god I didn't. You can love a person for a time, and not all time.

He isn't the only guy out there... I'm guessing out of a few billion more people in the world, one or two might be an "upgrade" from the noise you just went through.