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artlady · May 17, 2009, 09:38 AM

Originally Posted by cassicat4

How do i know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it's time to let go? I'm not very experienced with them, i've only ever had long-termers...but i remember reading somewhere (it may have been on this site) that you have to make a list of pros and cons, and when the pros outweigh the cons by 4 to 1, it may be worth keeping. I'd like to think that's the case, but i'm thinking i might be deluded because i'm still in shock and grieving. so maybe the good times aren't as good as i'm remembering, or maybe the bad times are more frequent than what i remember. Or does it really only take a couple of bad incidents regardless of the good times if they treat you bad enough? I'm really bad at this. :p

The bottom line here is that he is non communicative and his passive aggressive behavior is a way to manipulate you to get his own way.

Do you think he is going to all of a sudden become the great communicator and share himself with you?

Not likely,that would require an effort he is not willing to put into this relationship.It is a very one sided relationship at best.

You have made him the center of your existence and that was a mistake from the get go.Now that he isn't in the picture you feel lost.What happened to you? Where did you go?

You can try to guess his motivations until the cows come home but you will get no where as it is all just a guessing game.

It sounds like you are desperate to cling to this relationship at any cost and regardless of the way he treats you.Do you think so little of yourself?

My dear,honor yourself and accept nothing less from anyone!

liz28 · May 17, 2009, 10:00 AM

When someone is treating you bad (like this guy) then it is time to leave.

Doesn't makes sense to stay and fight because your fighting for nothing.

cassicat4 · May 17, 2009, 11:21 AM

I guess I feel like I was deceived. Like I'm in a bad dream and any minute now I'm going to wake up. I guess I just can't believe it's real. I can't eat and I'm barely sleeping. Every time I sleep, I dream that everything is OK. Then I wake up and reality smacks me between the eyes. I guess I never pictured myself not being with him, because everything we did together just seemed so natural, like it was always meant to be.
I'm trying the technique of attempting to block out the good memories, and replace them with all the bad ones, of seeing his face and seeing what he does every time he doesn't get his way, basically. That helps a bit.
I think what I'm clinging to is the company, of what could have been. I miss the kisses, the snuggles, the having someone there to eat meals with and go places with and live with. I feel like the ground was taken out from under me, and now I'm free-falling and can't catch my breath.
I'm going to need to find a way to make new friends, I think, because the only ones I have are married or in serious relationships and have their own lives. Even my family are jet-setters, and always away. I can't do this on my own, the temptation to fall back into what was comfortable and familiar is too tempting.
How do I get my heart to understand what my head knows to be true?

susangpyp · May 17, 2009, 11:27 AM

There should not be "tests" in relationships and if there are, HE is the one who is failing.

He is unresolved about his last relationship and taking his anger at her out on you. Honestly, he sounds like a toxic idiot and you would be best to move on. Please move on and stop allowing this mistreatment.

artlady · May 17, 2009, 11:43 AM

Originally Posted by cassicat4

I guess i feel like i was deceived. Like i'm in a bad dream and any minute now i'm going to wake up. I guess i just can't believe it's real. I can't eat and i'm barely sleeping. Every time i sleep, i dream that everything is ok. Then i wake up and reality smacks me between the eyes. I guess i never pictured myself not being with him, because everything we did together just seemed so natural, like it was always meant to be.
I'm trying the technique of attempting to block out the good memories, and replace them with all the bad ones, of seeing his face and seeing what he does everytime he doesn't get his way, basically. That helps a bit.
I think what i'm clinging to is the company, of what could have been. I miss the kisses, the snuggles, the having someone there to eat meals with and go places with and live with. I feel like the ground was taken out from under me, and now i'm free-falling and can't catch my breath.
I'm going to need to find a way to make new friends, i think, because the only ones i have are married or in serious relationships and have their own lives. Even my family are jet-setters, and always away. I can't do this on my own, the temptation to fall back into what was comfortable and familiar is too tempting.
How do i get my heart to understand what my head knows to be true?

Just get out and do something besides sitting in the house! You have to force yourself.

Sometimes its just the act of putting one foot in front of the other and making a move.Go for a walk,take a class that has always interested you.Treat yourself to a nice dinner.Anything!

I know it is difficult to change your entire focus back to you but you can do this!
Even if your friends are married ,that does not mean they would not be up for company.
Go visit them!

Check out this web site and see if there isn't something in your area that interests you.
Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com

You got along without him before you met him and you can can get along without him now.

cassicat4 · May 17, 2009, 12:47 PM

Yeah, you're right. I'm going to try. Last night I went for supper at my parents' and that was nice, for the most part I was able to stick this in the back of my mind and just enjoy the night. Coming home was so hard because I knew he was there. I'm going to try and go for a walk sometime today just to get some fresh air and get out of the house. Now how do I deal with the dread and sickening feeling of coming home? Other than getting him to move out, as it can't happen overnight (I need the one month's notice, as I can't afford the rent on my own).

artlady · May 17, 2009, 01:07 PM

Now how do I deal with the dread and sickening feeling of coming home? Other than getting him to move out, as it can't happen overnight (I need the one month's notice, as I can't afford the rent on my own).

You just have to bite the bullet and tell yourself* I can do this,I am strong*.You just have to psyche yourself up and give yourself a pep talk.
Have confidence in your ability to survive this.If you don't feel it ,fake it until it becomes real.
I would also start looking for potential roommates as it may take some time to find the right person.
Be sure to ask for references from previous landlords.

cassicat4 · May 17, 2009, 01:53 PM

I'm such an idiot. :( I couldn't stand it, it was driving me crazy, so I had to call him and find out what, in his mind, is going on. It's been just over 4 days since he went incommunicado completely, and I wanted to hear from him, what he's doing and wanted. It didn't go well. :(
He was cold right from the start of it. I asked how it's going. He said 'fine'. I asked what he was doing, he said 'nothing.' I asked if maybe he wanted to do something with me today, hang out or go somewhere, he said 'no, I don't think so, not a good idea.' I asked why is that, again, just said 'not a good idea.' I told him I miss him, he just said 'mm-hmm.' I asked if we could talk, or if he could tell me what's going on, and he said 'some other time.' I asked when that might be, and then he asked if I was bullying him. I said no, I just miss you and would like to see you, and again, he just said 'some other time'. I asked if this is a space thing he needs or what, and he said 'let's start with that, but you're not really giving me that now, are you?' I apologized, and said I am, that's why I only called. I asked if it was something I did, or what is it, and he said 'what did I just tell you?' Then he said he had to go. That was it. :(
What?? Why??
You're all right about why to go NC... but I guess seeing (or hearing) is believing. Now I know from experience.
It's just so hard! I hate this so much! I can't believe he would do this to me, to us, how he can be so cold and callous. It's like he's completely heartless. I'm dying inside, and he just doesn't care. I can't believe any of this is happening...

artlady · May 17, 2009, 02:15 PM

You're all right about why to go NC... but I guess seeing (or hearing) is believing. Now I know from experience.
It's just so hard! I hate this so much! I can't believe he would do this to me, to us, how he can be so cold and callous. It's like he's completely heartless. I'm dying inside, and he just doesn't care. I can't believe any of this is happening...

Hopefully you will get mad enough to say"I'm not taking this anymore"! I deserve better!
Honey,he is not worth all this pain. Sorry that he had to be such an obvious jerk for you to see what it clear from this perspective.
Come back anytime you need to ,we are here to help you when you feel the need to connect with him.We will try to help you see the error in that .

cassicat4 · May 17, 2009, 02:28 PM

I do see him as being a jerk, I just don't get why he is. :( maybe that's why I'm being so obstinate about this, because we were so good together, we were having a good time together and now he goes and does this, and I don't know why. :( I don't understand what any of the conversation means, and I just don't get why he's doing this. Initially, I wanted to wait until Tuesday to contact him (would be one week NC), but I lost my resolve today. I don't want this to just be silence until whenever he feels like it, I want answers! Why does he refuse to give it to me? If he's done in his mind, why won't he just say so? I'm tempted to call him Tuesday and force it out of him. Confront him, get him angry, I don't care, I just want to hear him say "i'm done with you, leave me alone forever." Then I'll really believe it. I guess I want him to say that if that's what he's thinking, because then it'll eliminate my temptation to want to be with him, if that makes sense. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I guess I just don't get that he doesn't want to, it seems like he is just very angry with me, but he won't tell me why. Ugh, I wish I wish I wish...

liz28 · May 17, 2009, 02:33 PM

The best thing that worked for me when I feel stressed out is exercising. A work out is good for your mind, body, and soul. Take up kick boxing or something. It is fun!

Also, try volunteering some where like at a hospital, nursing home, school, big brother big sister program, shelter, etc.

Do something for yourself. Pamper yourself. Go get your hair and nails done or go to the spa or (as Tal said one time) do some retail theraphy. Go shopping!

After you get completely over this guy your going reflect on the relationship you had with him and think to yourself "How could I been so stupid" and won't believe you wasted time with him.

Write down a list of qualites that you want and don't want from a guy and use it as a guide for your next relationship.

Right now your in a funk but you will get pass him. Gather all the strength and willpower you have. If you have to cry then let the tears out instead of keeping it bottle in. Take it one day at time because like Gloria Gaynor said "I will survior" listen to the song and make it your motto.

artlady · May 17, 2009, 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by cassicat4

I do see him as being a jerk, i just don't get why he is. :( maybe that's why i'm being so obstinate about this, because we were so good together, we were having a good time together and now he goes and does this, and i don't know why. :( I don't understand what any of the conversation means, and i just dont get why he's doing this. Initially, i wanted to wait til tuesday to contact him (would be one week NC), but i lost my resolve today. I dont want this to just be silence til whenever he feels like it, i want answers! Why does he refuse to give it to me? If he's done in his mind, why won't he just say so? I'm tempted to call him Tuesday and force it out of him. Confront him, get him angry, i don't care, i just want to hear him say "i'm done with you, leave me alone forever." Then i'll really believe it. I guess i want him to say that if that's what he's thinking, because then it'll eliminate my temptation to want to be with him, if that makes sense. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but i guess i just don't get that he doesn't want to, it seems like he is just very angry with me, but he won't tell me why. Ugh, I wish i wish i wish...

Maybe he is getting back with the ex he can't seem to get over and is taking his crap out on you.Maybe he is making arrangements to leave and he wants to do that without discussing anything,as per his usual behavior.

You said you were having a good time together but he was always pouting and acting like a baby and when you gave in everything was O.K.
Then things were good,as long as you did not expect communication and an adult relationship,it was good.
Honey,are you kidding? What was good?

liz28 · May 17, 2009, 02:47 PM

Artlady I had to spread the rep and I think you did an awesome job on this thread.

cassicat4 · May 17, 2009, 02:49 PM

No, he's not getting back with his ex, he really does hate her, even more so in the last couple of weeks. He left her for a number of reasons, and he's never really had too much of an issue with her until as of late. She's trying to take his kids away from him by moving to another country. I think he's definitely taking out frustrations with her on me though. If he was trying to leave, why wouldn't he say? He'd be done with me, and that way he'd ensure I wouldn't keep "bugging" him, plus he'd need to give me notice anyway?
Yeah, you're right... whenever I gave in, and let the little things slide, he was happy, and then things were good. And yes, as long as he never has to communicate his issues if he doesn't want to, there's never a problem. Oh, I wish I could stop loving him. I wish I could hate him. But I can't right now, try as I might, and this not knowing is killing me.
Could he be bipolar? I'm not making an excuse for his behavior, he has suffered from depression about 3 years ago, but I was wondering if it has progressed to something more.

artlady · May 17, 2009, 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

Artlady I had to spread the rep and I think you did an awesome job on this thread.

Thanks hon,you too!
I just wish she could see things as they look from this objective perspective.I know its hard when you are the person hoping something will change.Sad.

artlady · May 17, 2009, 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by cassicat4

No, he's not getting back with his ex, he really does hate her, even more so in the last couple of weeks. He left her for a number of reasons, and he's never really had too much of an issue with her until as of late. She's trying to take his kids away from him by moving to another country. I think he's definitely taking out frustrations with her on me though. If he was trying to leave, why wouldn't he say? He'd be done with me, and that way he'd ensure i wouldn't keep "bugging" him, plus he'd need to give me notice anyway?
Yeah, you're right...whenever i gave in, and let the little things slide, he was happy, and then things were good. And yes, as long as he never has to communicate his issues if he doesn't want to, there's never a problem. Oh, i wish i could stop loving him. I wish i could hate him. But i can't right now, try as i might, and this not knowing is killing me.
Could he be bipolar? I'm not making an excuse for his behavior, he has suffered from depression about 3 years ago, but i was wondering if it has progressed to something more.

His reasons for his behavior are of no consequence.He is treating you like crap and that is the bottom line.Couples share the pain and troubles,that's what couples do.
Are you going to let him get away with this again?
All he has to do is pout and be a jerk and he gets his way. You have established that in the relationship and that is all your going to get in the future.
Of course he could be bi polar,he could also just be a selfish one way.

liz28 · May 17, 2009, 04:41 PM

Cassie it seems like your making excuses for his behavior. I don't care what he is going through that is no reason for him to treat you like crap. And you shouldn't take being treated like crap. This isn't love maybe one sided love only on your part.

Also, don't think for minute he is going give you notice before he moves out. Maybe he will tell you while he is movie but I doubt he will give you a 30 days notice.

You need to open your eyes and leave. Don't wait for him to do it.

cassicat4 · May 17, 2009, 05:09 PM

Yeah, I guess I am. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :(
I guess I assume he'd give notice because I didn't think he'd just leave. He knows I'd be in a really tough spot without him.
If I was breaking up with someone, if I was initiating it, I'd make sure they knew. I don't get why if that's his intent why he hasn't done it yet? Why he wouldn't say?
I'll put the word out that I'm looking for a roommate on Tuesday... :(

artlady · May 17, 2009, 05:18 PM

Originally Posted by cassicat4

Yeah, I guess I am. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :(
I guess I assume he'd give notice because I didn't think he'd just leave. He knows I'd be in a really tough spot without him.
If I was breaking up with someone, if I was initiating it, I'd make sure they knew. I don't get why if that's his intent why he hasn't done it yet? Why he wouldn't say?
I'll put the word out that I'm looking for a roommate on Tuesday... :(

Good, and you need to serve him as well.You have to give him a legal eviction notice.

If I was breaking up with someone, if I was initiating it, I'd make sure they knew.

That is you ,who communicates and are adult. Clearly,you can't expect from him what he has never been able to give.
Glad to hear you are moving forward and making changes to protect yourself.
Make sure you do this all legally and I wish you the best during this week,when he gets his eviction notice,he may have an even bigger tantrum than he is used to having.

Jake2008 · May 17, 2009, 05:45 PM

He is an abuser.

He is a person who has controlled your emotions, self esteem, and through his mastery of being so skilled at control, has even managed to control how you feel about yourself, your appetite, your normal activities, and keeps you walking on egg shells until he decides that you can put your slippers on for a few days.

An abuser does not wish to talk about 'feelings' and 'reasons' and 'being reasonable' because all that they need psychologically, they get from controlling others. To be in a relationship with such a man, is to accept him the way he is. Which you have done, by being grateful for the crumbs, mixed messages, and moods he throws your way.

You have to learn by the way he walks, or talks, if he's angry, or getting angry. The smallest words can have the biggest meaning, and you knock yourself out trying to avoid what is coming. You throw your best self forward in a loving, concerned way, and he takes that love, twists it around until you don't know which end is up, and spits it in your face.

He masks his anger, which is what really drives him. Abusers are walking tornados and you never know from one minute to the next when the wind is going to pick up, and what is going to hit the fan.

You live on the edge, whether he is there, or whether he is not. Even if he is gone, all your thoughts revolve around him, and what will happen when he calls, or comes home. He keeps you hanging and sends the odd manipulative control hammer now and again, such as the appointment text, just to keep you guessing and trying to figure out what the heck THAT means.

Having control over another person to such an extent only serves the person with the control. They cannot live without gaining the self gratification, feelings of power, and having their ego's fed until they've decided they've had enough.

They don't give anything back, because it does not serve their needs.

You need to see that this is only about you inasmuch as it suits his purpose to have you around to manipulate to serve HIS needs.

There is no equality here, no line in the sand that he does not determine for you. You have no say, no authority, no control over what you think, feel, and do, because the simplest sentence, or gesture, is enough to undermine you and put you in your place.

It is terribly dangerous, not just annoying. He is far more than being immature.

He is an abuser, and you are the willing victim.

Get out while you can, you will never fix, cure or change him. Take your life back. Give him notice, and start thinking for yourself again.