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momincali · Sep 27, 2006, 01:00 PM

Bim, you have done, and continue to do everything in your power to salvage your marriage. You've changed your behavior. You go to counseling. You tell him how much he means to you, but, unfortunately, he's pig headed, and you can't change that. If he left it up to you, and you choose not to leave, then don't. Personally, I wouldn't. Why should you? You want to fight for your marriage, he just wants to fight. Why should you have to leave your home? If he's so damn insecure and refuses to get past it, than that is on him. If you stay, and he stays only to make you miserable and not help the situation, then ask him to go, you have every right. Don't give up. Tell him you are going to stay, hold your ground. Continue as though nothing has happened. If he continues berating you, ask him to pack his things. Enough is enough. I know you feel like it was your fault, and maybe initially it was, but your behavior has changed, he needs an attitude adjustment now.

BIM · Sep 27, 2006, 01:23 PM

Thank you mom :o Why do I feel so scared he is going to leave? Is it because I caused the problem? I am so sorry for flirting, but he makes me feel like I had sex with these men and I DID NOT. I feel his is making this more that it is. I DID screw up, but I am trying... I guess I am afraid of losing him, because I messed up. All I want is a chance to make it right and it keeps getting thrown in my face. I've told him that I know I hurt him badly and that I crossed the line...

momincali · Sep 27, 2006, 01:31 PM

Stop apologizing, its making you come off as more guilty than you actually are. You know your behavior was inappropriate and you changed it. You changed it because you realized how much it was hurting your husband and how he felt insecure and unloved. To apoligize with words is one thing, but you did more than that, you are attempting to show him, if he would only let you. He needs to decide if he wants to allow the change. You know you didn't have sex with these men, but in his eyes, you might as well have because your time and emotion was directed at these men, even if you didn't touch them. He has to want to accept your apology, acknowledge your effort and make that change inside himself. If he doesn't, there's not much you can do. It will be his loss.

Bim, even if he leaves, it may not be permanent, so continue on course. Stay busy, read, exercise and volunteer any spare time you have. If you have kids, spends lots of time with them. Stop apologizing and continue treating him lovingly, eventually, if he's not made of stone, it will sink in.

Skell · Sep 27, 2006, 04:33 PM

If he can't get over what you have done and can not see that you are trying ever so hard to change and help the marriage then it is his option to leave.
Why should you.
Tell him to go if he isn't willing to work. You are, he isn't.
I know it must be scary for you to say those words to him but that may be the wake up call he needs.
See he is probably making these empty threats to you about you having to leave knowing you won't.
Well put it to him. Tell him he has to go. You can't keep living like this.
Maybe you standing up for yourself and proving that you aren't willing to fight, scrap and give every last inch to save this marriage unless he does the same will get him into gear and make him realise that it is a 2 way street.

I have a feeling right now he loves having all the power. He thinks because you stuffed up he can keep using it against you. People do that. Kids do that. Not grown adults!

Don't keep blaming yourself. Time to stand up for yourself I think!

talaniman · Sep 27, 2006, 05:45 PM

Bim, don't let him use guilt as a weapon of control. I think you should be proud of they way you have gone about correcting a mistake. I am. Your husband should be very grateful that you care enough to change and grow for him. I didn't like his actions in the first place as he could have handled things way better to be honest. Keep doing what your doing, for yourself now and if he doesn't appreciate the effort and work you've done tell him to kiss your cute a$$. Keep your chin up. No more apologising either. Enough is enough.

K_3 · Sep 28, 2006, 07:05 AM

Well, maybe your husband is going to read this post. You have done everything you can, does he want to nail you to the cross? Get him a hammer, nails and wood. Let him nail that picture to it.:)
When he brings all of this up, say stop, stop right there, I have done everything I know to do, it is your turn to let go and start forgiving and forgetting. Walk away. When he says you two are through and for you to make the decision. Tell him, you said it, you do it. I have told you how I feel and I do not change my mind from day to day as you do. Stop putting this on me.
Walk away. He wants to see you grovel over and over. Stop doing it.
It sounds as though he is so insecure he wants to make you pay over and over and over.
I am not saying leave, I am saying stop playing his game. You are good. You do not deserve this continuation of guilt. No one does.

BIM · Sep 28, 2006, 07:19 AM

I want to thank mom, skell, and tal for your advice. I wrote him a final note and put it on his truck at work (because he works evenings) and told him that I am apologizing for the last time. I told him some of the things mom said about accepting the apology and to acknowledge the efforts I have made. He woke me when he got home (11:30), said some rude things about the guys I work with and how I probably f$$$ed about 6 -7 yesterday. Went on about if I want that kind of lifestyle to go have it and how he's put 110% into the marriage... so on and so forth.

He is still mad that I get on this site and put "my life" out there for all to read. He said it is weird. He also said I probably have a boyfriend within this sight and we are talking using "code names" (for lack of better word)

I asked him in his heart-of -hearts if he truly thinks I was unfaithful. It took him a couple minutes to answer "I don't know." I told him that I feel I have been on "trial" for 3 months for "flirting" -- I said I know I overstepped my boundaries but have apologized for the last time. I feel, I left the ball in his court and he can decide what he wants to do. I told him I loved him

I told him that I loved him with all my heart and want this marriage to work. I also said I feel this ordeal was a "sign" to maybe get my $hit in order and be a better wife and mother.

I feel good today... from experience I know it can change from minute to minute depending on the day.

Thank you guys!! ;)

I actually feel a sort of "innerpeace" today (if that makes any sense?) about how I left it. I guess it is a feeling of doing all I can do, and being at ease with it. I will keep being loving and keep showing him I am trying to work, and see where it goes from here.

Wildcat21 · Sep 28, 2006, 09:53 AM

That's great. I like the note touch.

Sounds like hubby has some issues - ridiculous on the boyfriend thing. He seems to have a long way to go on this.

talaniman · Sep 28, 2006, 10:06 AM

Hubby better get his butt in gear before you get tired of working on this marriage by yourself, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for him right now either. Just make sure YOU continue to grow, BIM.

Wildcat21 · Sep 28, 2006, 10:20 AM

I have no sympathy for this guy - - if I were you - I'd run - he sounds real creepy to me right now.

momincali · Sep 30, 2006, 10:13 PM

I don't know that he sounds creepy, but he's got one heck of a chip on his shoulder for sure. Pointing the finger at you was one thing, to repeatedly throw things that are untrue, insinuate certain crude behaviors is rude and disrespectful, which, unfortunately is what very insecure men can do. I'm glad you spoke up for yourself. You were honest and yet considerate in reiterating your love for him. The ball is in his court, hopefully, he will see that you really do love him and not blow this marriage. Be strong and have faith, remember, prayer goes a long way.

uksexymona · Oct 2, 2006, 01:26 PM

Jealousy kills love.Your husband attitudes are completely unacceptable and if he continues suspecting you which I am sure he will.Then your marriage will be near end.
Try taking him to a marriage consultant,it may help.Otherwise,I advise you to enjoy your life and put him behind your back!

tamikiopruitt · Oct 2, 2006, 03:34 PM

I don't know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. Its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. You should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. Calm down be a lady and respect your husband because I tell you later on he is going to be done accusing you of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. If you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

Skell · Oct 2, 2006, 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by tamikiopruitt

i dont know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. you should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. calm down be a lady and respect your husband becasue i tell u later on he is going to be done accusing u of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. if you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

You obviously haven't read the whole thread as we have been over this. You really need to read every post before commenting which quite clearly you haven't.
And why can't single people be friends with married people. That sounds very insecure to me.
I am single and have many many female and male married friends. I would never ever consider doing anything with them and I know they wouldn't either.
I think if there is trust in a relationship then a marrie person should be able to be friends with anyone.

tamikiopruitt · Oct 3, 2006, 01:22 PM

Hey that's cool for you and I did read the whole thing married men should not be friends with single women I say adventually something is going to rub on but that is your opionion only because your single. Get married and see if you like your wife firting with single men

momincali · Oct 3, 2006, 01:42 PM

Actually, I'm married and I agree with Skell. I don't have issues with my husband having female friends and vice versa. Neither of us have friends that we don't both know. I have a very close and good friend who happens to be male, but when he visits me, he visits my whole family. My husband and him are like brothers. Yeah, I knew him first, for 24 years to be exact, but they are still very close. He has one or two female friends who interact with both of us. Now, if you mean do we go out with acquaintances from work alone, no, there's no connection there. But friends, are okay, as long as there is a mutualness there. Being friends and having someone around that you flirt with are two very separate things.

BIM · Oct 3, 2006, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by tamikiopruitt

i dont know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. you should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. calm down be a lady and respect your husband becasue i tell u later on he is going to be done accusing u of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. if you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

First Off you do not know me well enough to call me honey. Secondly, you do not need to point your daggers at me and imply that I am not a lady.:mad: As far as having male friends, I work with 35 men, so I DO have male friends. This sight is for people to come to for advice on how to work through situations, not to get badgered my meaningless accusations.

Also, (if you would have read this thread completely) I wasn't going out with these men--My HUSBAND invited them to OUR house for a party HE was throwing.

Also, this whole thread is not implying that my husband is cheating on me... you need to read the WHOLE post. Also you last opinion about "the last thing you want to do is have him start repecting you" what is that? Last I checked my husband does respect me, he doesn't need to start.

Get your facts straight before you start slinging mud.

tamikiopruitt · Oct 3, 2006, 02:17 PM

OK that's cool you keep on doing what are doing you don't have do be offended by what I said you got on here talking about what your husband thinks your doing I really care less of what your doing I was only trying help and you asked people for their answers but I see that you can't take an answer that doesn't agree with what your so you should have keep your question to yourself have a blessed day.

J_9 · Oct 3, 2006, 02:34 PM

J_9 agrees: I am wondering if you should keep your answers to yourself. She came on here to ask a question. That is what the site is for. So far your answers are way off base. Maybe you should think before you "speak."

__________________________________________________ ______

Sorry, I meant to disagree with what you said tami.

Please think before you speak.

BIM · Oct 3, 2006, 02:49 PM

Originally Posted by tamikiopruitt

ok thats cool you keep on doing what are doing you dont have do be offended by what i said you got on here talking about what your husband thinks your doing i really care less of what your doing i was only trying help and you asked people for their answers but i see that you can't take an answer that dosent agree with what your so you should have keep your question to yourself have a blessed day.

If you were to read ALL of the posts, most of them questioned my behavior--and if you were to read the UPDATE my husband and I are going to counselling and things are getting better because I am a LADY and trying to work through MY faults that I am aware of--to make my marriage work.

I posted a question knowing not all comments were not going to be pleasant. And if you would have read the posts you would also notice that all comments were put in a respectful manner.

I will probably not keep my questions to myself, because I enjoy this sight and respect MOST everyone's feedback.

My suggestion to you would be in the future to think about what you type, because we are all humans with feelings, and some people on this sight have pretty damaged feelings at that and do not need to be spit on any more.

Also, if you could care less, then you should not be on this sight giving advice to people that are looking for someone to care.

I will have a blessed day. Thank you.