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Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 06:39 AM

Hey all I haven't been here in awhile,

I have been very slooowwwlllyyyy getting over my most recent ex. I am far from okay and have only really just stopped dying inside everyday which has been hard because it's been over 11 months since we broke up.

My issue is that I have a date tomorrow with a different ex which I was looking forward to. However I keep worrying now that when I'm with him I'll be comparing him to my most recent ex and wishing I was with him. I'm not sure if this means I'm not ready to date other people and shouldn't go, or I should stop worrying and just see how it goes>

All advice and opinions are welcomed :)

I wish · May 14, 2009, 06:47 AM

Doesn't sound like you are ready to commit to a relationship yet, but it shouldn't stop you from going out on a date and having fun.

I'm curious, you're going out with another ex? You seem to constantly live in the past. It's time to move forward with your life and meet NEW people.

redhed35 · May 14, 2009, 06:48 AM

Hey,I think we all do that for a while,compare ex's with new dates.
My ex was great fun outside,I used to think of him as the roller coaster in a funfair,my first date after we split was like the kiddies teacups!
And I missed him on those dates.
Then I met someone really great,and I didn't compare because I got to a place where I could see I didn't like the roller coaster,and I could see why my ex and I were just a bad match.
Enjoy your date. Just take the evening as it comes,but the fact your going to spent an evening with someone else means your healing,and you'll get there.

kctiger · May 14, 2009, 06:52 AM

To be honest, you don't sound like you ARE healing at all. It takes little to ZERO effort to go on a date, so I don't see how going on a date has anything to do with being healed.

My issue with this, as another poster already mentioned, is that you are dating another ex. Why not meet new people?

I don't see a problem with going on a date. It doesn't mean a relationship will happen. It can be a very fun social event if you let it be, with ZERO expectations. It would benefit you more by going on a date with someone new, but suit yourself. Comparisons are fine, but when you are so emotionaly attached to someone (still) that you pick things you DON'T like about your date, then clearly, you shouldn't be dating yet.

Just go have fun, who said anything about a relationship? The issue here seems to be that you are looking past a date, and really seem to want the companionship of someone else. Don't jump into a relationship just because you "need" it...

redhed35 · May 14, 2009, 07:16 AM

I disagree with you kctiger. If the op is willing to go out at all,it's a good sign the op is on the way up.
OK so its an ex,its just a date.theres no mention of a new relationship,just a date.
Its been 11 months since the break up,the op probably feels like its time to test the water again.
Apoligies to the op,if I assume too much.

Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 07:24 AM

No you're right redhed I've been feeling a lot more like myself recently.

I say he's an ex-but I only dated him for about 6 weeks three years ago so it's hardly like we have a history.

I have to say I resent the fact that people assume because I'm going on a date with an ex that I don't meet new people and haven't been on other dates.

Though I'm grateful for all the advice/opinions all the same. :)

kctiger · May 14, 2009, 07:29 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

i disagree with you kctiger. if the op is willing to go out at all,its a good sign the op is on the way up.
ok so its an ex,its just a date.theres no mention of a new relationship,just a date.
its been 11 months since the break up,the op probably feels like its time to test the water again.
apoligies to the op,if i assume to much.

With all due respect, you wouldn't be on this website asking a question like this if you were merely looking to "date." I am sorry, but just because you are willing to go on a date with someone you ALREADY know has nothing to do with healing, in my opinion. It has been 11 months and a random date with a known person doesn't mean (in my eyes) "healing." I never said anything about a relationship either (re-read my post). I actually encourage going on a date, as it is just a fun social event to take part in. I also call BS on the "test the water" thing. What exactly is the OP testing here? It clearly sounds like the OP has some unresolved issues, which guided her to this site.

I understand your resentment at our opinions, Boris, but we go off the information provided. I don't read minds. From what you posted it still sounds like you have deep emotional issues you still should resolve before "testing the waters." What is the point of setting sail with a freaking sail to begin with?

redhed35 · May 14, 2009, 07:30 AM

It's a hard knock life god knows!

But at least your trying to get back on your feet.
Good luck with the date.

Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 07:44 AM

I didn't say I resented anyone's opinions. I resented the ASSUMPTION made that because I am going on a date with an ex that I don't/am not interested in meeting new people.

"It would benefit you more by going on a date with someone new, but suit yourself. "

- Also that statement, which insinuated there are all these possibilities and all these people I could go on a date with if I wanted but instead... I choose an ex ,which isn't the case, and is also an assumption.

talaniman · May 14, 2009, 07:49 AM

Relax, and have fun, ITS ONLY A DATE! "It can be a very fun social event if you let it be, with ZERO expectations."

Talaniman Rule from when he was single- Date them all, fat , short , or tall, blind, cripple , or crazy.
Exes, Zee's, or why's.

Its only a date!

I wish · May 14, 2009, 07:49 AM

I think it was the use of the word "date". Maybe you should have said "hang out" with my ex. We have the tendency to think that a "date" means a potential for a relationship.

I'm sure you've recovered somewhat in the last 11 months. We can only help you based on the facts that you provided us.

We're just telling you not to close all your options and allow yourself to meet new people. If you are already meeting new people, then that's great, you could disregard that part of our opinion!

redhed35 · May 14, 2009, 07:57 AM

kctiger.
The op said all advice and opinions welcome.
You say 'potatoes I say potatoes'

What you consider a healing process may not be the same as anyone else's,I include my own opinion there too.

However,if the op feels its time to move on 'testing the water' is an one way to see how she is progressing.

As for assuming the op has 'deep emotional issues' from a short post with little information.that sir is B.S.

kctiger · May 14, 2009, 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by Boristheblade

Hey all I haven't been here in awhile,

I have been very slooowwwlllyyyy getting over my most recent ex. I am far from okay and have only really just stopped dying inside everyday which has been hard because it's been over 11 months since we broke up.

Redhead... this is where I get "emotional issues" from. I could spend all day arguing with you, but I fear that would destroy the point of this website and this particular thread in general.

I understand your side of things and of course you are entitled to your own opinion.

Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 08:32 AM

I think you hit the nail on the head I wish.

I am fine to just go out and enjoy myself with no expectations.

What worries me is the fact that I believe he sees it as the start of something leading up to a relationship- and that's what I don't think I'm ready for, so maybe I need to tell him that.

Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 08:34 AM

Also, I do have emotional issues from my last relationship-I've been recovering from anxiety, depression and am yet to rebuild myself esteem- but my issues are more to do with the effects my bad treatment from my ex has had on me rather than an attachment to HIM, still.

talaniman · May 14, 2009, 08:37 AM

What worries me is the fact that I believe he sees it as the start of something leading up to a relationship- and that's what I don't think I'm ready for, so maybe I need to tell him that.

Maybe you do. His feelings are understandable, as making your own clear is what important.

But that's why I didn't date my exes. Less confusion to sort through.

but my issues are more to do with the effects my bad treatment from my ex has had on me rather than an attachment to HIM, still.

Leave the baggage of the past at home, if you expect to have fun.

Romefalls19 · May 14, 2009, 08:51 AM

You don't recover from depression or anxiety, you learn to live with it. Big difference, also I agree with KC here, dating an ex is not a good idea if you are admitting you are still far from okay. Leave the past in the past

Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 09:04 AM

Thanks for your advice :) Although I definitely have to disagree with you saying that I'm not going to recover from the depression or anxiety I've suffered as a result of my last relationship and related problems and I should learn to live with it.

I didn't have those problems a year ago and I don't intend to have them a year from now.

Romefalls19 · May 14, 2009, 09:10 AM

No, I wasn't saying you should learn to live with it. That's not what I was meaning, anxiety and depression will come in and out of your life at various parts of your life. Some people have a switch that does get flicked(my friend has this) and life altering situations have the power to flick the switch. You may never have had depression or anxiety before, until this happened and now your in the "on" position and will go to "off" again, until the next time. It is a struggle, and you can't do it alone. You don't have to believe me, but just read up about the two diseases.

Boristheblade · May 14, 2009, 09:15 AM

Oh no I misunderstood you sorry, I thought you were saying that I would constantly be afflicted with depression and anxiety and there was nothing I could do about it.