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Justgorgeous · Oct 3, 2006, 02:11 AM

Hey everyone
I have been in a relationship for over four months with a fantastic guy. We have recently gone into business together. He is kind and considerate... we are both professionals.
We currently hang out together (weekdays and weekends) every day, and I have a son (8) and he has two daughters (5 and 3). He broke up with his ex one year ago and hasn't dated anyone since as he believed he needed time to heal. She cheated on him.
We haven't had sex as yet and even though he kisses me etc... he tells me that he is just not ready for it yet. He believes he will be in time, but obviously cannot make me any guarantees. This often leaves me feeling rejected and unwanted. I am an attractive girl with heaps to offer someone, but I don't want to waste my time with someone that is emotionally unavailable. ANy opinions?

Krs · Oct 3, 2006, 02:15 AM

People who have never been cheated on I guess can't comprehend what it means and how it feels emotionally and mentally.

I believe by time he will come round and you will have sex, and as you would have waited so long, the sex will be outstanding.. trust me ;)
You do not need to feel rejected and unwanted just because you haven't had sex yet, if he shows affection otherwise then for the time being it should be enough but people always want more.

Have you asked him when he thinks he will be ready?

talaniman · Oct 3, 2006, 06:06 AM

This often leaves me feeling rejected and unwanted.

This guy is trying to do the right thing and by your admission he is kind and considerate so slow down the expectations and give it time. What's the hurry? 4 months is not a lot of time so either leave him be and move on or be patient.

Wildcat21 · Oct 3, 2006, 09:28 AM

Hmmm - 4 months - you've RUSHED into a lot of things here.

Too Fast - Too Furious.

No sex? After 4 months - Quite frankly - YES, I's be worried. Something isn't right in Denmark.

He trusts you enough to have a business... but not sex??

He seems really unavailble to me. You need MORE and he isn't willing.

Something just isn't right here. You've done all these moves with him... and yet no sex?? Weird.

s_cianci · Oct 3, 2006, 06:19 PM

I don't think it has much to do with his emotional availability. Give him time - he needs it. You should be taking your time as well. What's the rush? 4 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. Becoming too pushy and exerting too much pressure too soon will kill the relationship for sure. Things will happen in their own time. Be patient and wait.

momincali · Oct 3, 2006, 09:28 PM

I think he's doing the right thing if he's unsure about your romantic relationship. He's not just jumping into bed with you. Not so bad, good actually, especially when there are kids involved.

Are you in an exclusive relationship? Is it clear? Did you want to be?

talaniman · Oct 3, 2006, 10:31 PM

How about an honest discussion about your feelings, COMMUNICATE.

Justgorgeous · Oct 4, 2006, 02:08 AM

Ummm... to answer your questions... he tells me that he is committed to me, but is not yet in the zone where he can give himself physically, but he believes he is coming to the end of it. He says that he can only really tell me what he wants, but he can't make any promises.

I really can't fault anything that he's doing. His kids are very attached to me which bothers me a bit given the situation.

Krs · Oct 4, 2006, 02:52 AM

I think he is being very honest about the whole situation. What more do u want!

Why does it bother you about his kids, given the situation?

talaniman · Oct 4, 2006, 04:16 AM

I think you need to be honest with yourself and if this guy is worth waiting for then why not. Its usually the guy who pressures the girl for sex at this point so think of it like him being careful this time. I suspect he doesn't want to rush into a crash and burn situation. Is that so hard to understand?

Justgorgeous · Oct 4, 2006, 10:47 AM

Well... it does bother me. He asked me to stay over last night and he laid at one end of the bed and me at the other. I asked him what that was about and he said "you are a great girl and I like hanging out with you"... after 4 months of seeing someone everyday, is this really OK?

I have caught him looking at pictures of his ex, doing internet searches about her and he has told me that one day she may want him back. He says he wouldn't be interested but it's a bit too much for me to handle all at once.

Wildcat21 · Oct 4, 2006, 12:11 PM

To me - weird, creepy. All I can say. I'd be so turned off... I wouldn't come back.

If he's looking gat his ex... sorry, move on.

To me, I've never met him - one weird dude. AND it's sounds like you deserve more.

If he is still looking at her - he wants her back. HE'S TOTALLY NOT OVER HER ONE BIT.

He's totally wounded and broken from this. I hope he is in therapy - I really do and it will take years.

Krs · Oct 5, 2006, 12:21 AM

Originally Posted by Justgorgeous

Well...it does bother me. He asked me to stay over last night and he layed at one end of the bed and me at the other. I asked him what that was about and he said "you are a great girl and I like hanging out with you"...after 4 months of seeing someone everyday, is this really ok?

I have caught him looking at pictures of his ex, doing internet searches about her and he has told me that one day she may want him back. He says he wouldn't be interested but its a bit too much for me to handle all at once.

Mmmmmmm OK now its weird... :cool:
Why would he want to look at pics of his ex.. unless he still has feelings.

He needs an ultimatum from your end. He needs to hear how you feel.

K_3 · Oct 5, 2006, 03:43 AM

I don't think a year is a lot of time to get over a divorce and the cheating etc. I also don't think 4 months is enough time to really know someone and if you want to have a life with them. See, it has been 4 months and things are coming into your relationship that were not there 2 months ago. Imagine how it will be in another 4 months. I would not want to sleep with him, as that takes the relationship to another level, things are a bit shaky for that. I will give him that, he is not wanting to use you and is being honest. It all depends on if you want to wait and see what happens. It could be good and it could be he would run back to his X is she wanted. To some sex is just that, part of any relationship and to others it is a truly meaningful part of a relationship. There is nothing weird about not wanting to have sex until you feel you can totally commit.

talaniman · Oct 7, 2006, 07:45 AM

He has issues to resolve and I cannot emphasise the need for you to go slow with this relationship. He is not in the same place you are and has baggage.

Justgorgeous · Oct 9, 2006, 02:48 AM

It doesn't matter now anyway. I went into his emails and he is having a relationship with someone else in another state. The kids are hurt and I am hurt. He wants to work it out but I don't think I can at this point. Thanks very much for your advice

Wildcat21 · Oct 9, 2006, 08:10 AM

I am not surprised. That was all kind of weird anyway. Obviously he felt guilty about this.

Just thank god the relationship did not go further.

Going forward - HUGE red flags if the guy isn't pursuing sex.

Skell · Oct 9, 2006, 09:44 PM

Very sorry to hear this. Explains a lot though. It seemed really weird to me that he wanted to sleep at opposite ends of the bed. I would have found that really strange.
Anyway, the most important thing now is that you don't bother with him. You really need to tlook after YOU and your SON. Please, just make sure him and you are good. Try as best you can to do other things to take your mind off him.
Making sure your son is OK as well as yourself is your main priority now.
Not him.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2006, 07:26 AM

Going slow and getting to know someone really does save you the heartache of finding things out when its to late to do anything about it. At least give him credit for not just jumping in the sack and really messing things up. Now you know he was weird for a reason.