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bigma · May 14, 2009, 05:42 AM

I just recently found out my teenage daughter is pregnant not to mention she had stopped going to school for about 30 days. She has decided to keep the baby; however, our relationship has really gotten bad. She won't talk to me. I was angry of course when I found out after she had been lying about going to school then finding out she was pregnant. I did not want her to keep the baby. She may not finish school. I finally accepted her wishes to keep the baby, and she says she wants to stay in school. She is showing no interest in finishing school. She wakes up in the morning, gets dress and lays back down until I come in and catch her. I feel like she does not want to go. I wanted the best for my child and she has changed all that I have tried to give her. I fuss at her then feel bad afterward. What can I do to get a good relationship with my daughter?

N0help4u · May 14, 2009, 05:57 AM

First you need to figure out how to deal with her without coming off like somebody she wants to hide things from but getting 'her best interests' across.
When the baby comes you most likely will love it so much.
If she drops out of school it may take her some time to figure out what to do but she is likely the type that needs to learn the hard way.
I dropped my daughters out. My one daughter was getting me truancy fines every time I turned around. She would leave for school and after I left for work she would come back home.
They got their GED's and both are now C 130 mechanics in the Air Force.

Have a discussion with her about options and tell her where you are willing to work with her and tell her your basic rules.
Ask her what she wants to do and show concern not anger. Discuss options like you are willing to watch the baby while she takes her GED classes or does cyber school at home if she is not going to go to school on a regular basis.

I don't know where you live but you can call this number and ask if they know a cyberschool in your area.
1-888-PACYBER. Your school district will most likely be responsible for paying just like if she was in any public school.

bigma · May 14, 2009, 06:22 AM

NO HELP4me uh... Great I really need to hear that!

redhed35 · May 14, 2009, 06:30 AM

Hey bigma,I have two teenage daughters,17 and 16.they drive me nuts sometimes,they know EVERYTHING!
Last year my eldest moved out of home for a few months,in with my parents,things were really bad between us,but I kept going,at times I felt I could slap her she was so disrespectfully to me,but I kept my head.
Finally after months we started talking again,she got into trouble at school one day,and had no option but to call me.
Your daughter does not know it yet but she needs you,she needs to know your on her side and you will help her.
Don't be a doormat for her,just let her know you love her and want to help.
When she comes to you,and she will.. and no I can't tell the future,but the bonds that are there may be streched but there not broken.
Take out baby pictures of her,and when she was little,try and get a conversation going about how beautiful she was,keep it light and let her talk if she wants.
Take baby steps with her,and slowly she will come back to you..
When you have both gotten back on solid ground,then you both can make a plan for her future.
And remember this when days are hard with her.. she needs her mother.

bigma · May 14, 2009, 06:33 AM

I'm sorry NOhelp4me! Thanks. Now I thought I was showing concern. I told my daughter when she was young that she could come to me for anything especially when it came to sex because I didn't want any babies in my house. I guess I'm the one with the problem. I don't want any babies in my house. I like to send them home and she knows it. I can't relate to helping her by babysitting because I don't want to babysit. Sounds mean uh! I have 4 other grandchildren and I don't keep them unless I want to. I feel like I am being pushed into raising another child. I guess that's why I am angry. And yes she will have to learn the hard way just like her older sister and brothers.

N0help4u · May 14, 2009, 06:37 AM

It is good you told her she could come to you for anything. But now you are in the situation and have to come up with ways to prove that.
It really isn't your problem as in your fault; but it is your problem in that you have to figure the best way to work things out without alienating her or letting her walk all over you.

redhed35 · May 14, 2009, 06:38 AM

Hey, you have already set the ground rules with your other children regarding babysitting,so she knows the score there.
I don't think its wrong for you to want your own life,nor raise her child,in fact id say good on you!
But if she is there in your house,having good communication will help the whole atmosphere in the house,and make it less stressful on everyone.

bigma · May 14, 2009, 08:28 AM

I may sound like I'm a bad I feel like putting my pregnant teenage daughter out? I don't want her to leave I just don't know how to talk to her. I have tried everything and it doesn't seem like it's working. She is not a responsible person. She knows nothing about raising a child. She can't even keep her room clean. This is all on me and I don't want it.

Megan2345 · May 14, 2009, 11:31 AM

I read your other post. I think you should be as supportive and understanding as possible. You mentioned that she says she wants to keep the baby. I suggest you give her information on adoption, open vs closed, but don't push it on her.Encourage her to read parenting books etc.
Be helpful. This is in no way easy for her. She is probably terrified. Show her that you believe in her, that you guys will get through this together.
As far as the school thing, again, be supportive. Encourage her to go, but also explore other options with her. Maybe she can study at home, or get her GED.
Good luck.

ANB428 · May 14, 2009, 12:16 PM

Hey bigma, I understand that you are upset that your daughter was being an irresponsible teenager and got pregnant. I also understand that you don't want to have to raise your grandchild because you have already raised your children. I don't understand why you are kicking you pregnant teenage daughter out on the streets. Your daughter needs your love and support during this time. I am sure that she is really scared and doesn't know what to do and who to turn to. I know as a mother I wouldn't want my 15 year old daughter to come home pregnant either, but I wouldn't kick her out of my house for deciding to keep the child.

I got pregnant at 18 and my mother told me that if I didn't have an abortion that she would disown me. So, I kept my daughter and went through my whole pregnancy by myself. I was miserable. I felt all alone in this world and that made me yearn for a child who would love me unconditionally because I didn't have a mother who showed me any love and my father is dead. I had no one to talk to, I had no one to give me advice, I had no one who told me what it was like to go into labor, I didn't know anything about having a baby and I was really scared, especially since my own mother turned her back on me. It was the worst feeling in the world.

I know that you don't want to raise another child and you don't have to, but I think that you should at least be there for your daughter now, until she has the baby. When she does have the child I would make her get a job to support that child and take care of her own child. There are organizations out there that will help her out, especially since she is going to be a mother. There could be some organizations out there that can help you out as well.

I would suggest that you and your daughter both go to counseling. If your daughter won't talk to you and tell you what is going on with her emotionally, then maybe there is another family member that can talk to her. Have you tried to sit her down and talk to her one on one? A mother and daughter talk? My mother and I never got along. We used to fight all the time. I never listen to the things that she told me because I thought that I was so smart and she didn't know what she was talking about. I was totally worng and I realized that after going through everything by myself with out her help. Since I had my daughter we have become best friends now and I talk to her everyday.

Even though she wasn't there for me while I was going through my pregnancy and everything. I wish that she would have been more understanding and talked to me. I didn't want to do it all by myself. I didn't want to go to have my baby all by myself in the hospital at 18. I was scared and didn't know what to do and wish that I had my mother by my side. Please don't make your daughter go through this by herself. She needs you now more than ever. I know that this is a hard decision for you to make, but please don't make a huge mistake.

I don't know what I would have done if I would have gotten pregnant at an earlier age, my mom would have kicked me out to, or so she said she would anyway. My mom made me get on birth control though while I was living under her roof. Organizations helped me out when I was pregnant and after I had my daughter. I was lucky to have their support rather than none.

I know that she won't talk to you, but you need to tell her that you love her and you want to support the decisions that she makes, but you want to tell her the rules and the things that she needs to do if she wants to stay under your roof and if she doesn't comply then she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. This must be so hard for you and I am sure that you feel torn between your daughter and your emotions. Just please remember to be patient and persistent. Her body is going through a lot of changes due to her being pregnant now. Please don't abandon her and make her do this by herself. She needs you now more than ever. I am sure that she is really scared and it is easier for her to be mad and ugly to you then to tell you what is really going on in her head.

How old is she? Where is the baby's dad? What does he have to say about the situation? What about his parents?

bigma · May 14, 2009, 12:18 PM

I guess I am being very selfish because it seems so hard. I feel like "how dare her do this to me when I talked so frequent and asked her if she was and to please let me know when she was ready" I started to force her on birth control, but she insisted that she was not ready. She made things seem like she was an angel. I'm sorry, but I'm angry. I put my best foot forward and feel like I got kicked in the you know what. I thought we had a better relationship. She really had me fooled.

I think I will look into outside counseling for the both of us.

bigma · May 14, 2009, 12:29 PM

She is 17 and you have me crying. I really need counseling because I am so hard. My mother died in a car accident when I was 17 and with no siblings I was on my own. I didn't spend anytime with my mom when she was alive either. I really hate that to this day. I don't know how to show compassion. I just know tough love. That's my life. Tough. I learned the hard way too. I have put out one of my children because he always stole from me. He's 23. I don't want my daughter to go through this alone. I just want her to talk. Thanks I needed that. I hope I don't run her away with my anger and frustration. I have to find a way to control it because I really love her.

ANB428 · May 15, 2009, 06:53 AM

You are not being totally selfish and you are not too hard. I think that I would feel the same way that you do. Hurt, shocked, concerned, and angry. Don't beat yourself up. These or normal feelings. At least you know what mistakes that you could be making and that is better than not knowing at all. Now you can go and work on those issues that you know that you have to make sure that you don't make a huge mistake.

I am sorry that your mother died when you were 17, that had to be a horrible thing to go through and I can't even imagine that happening to me, I don't know what I would have done. So, that shows that you have enough strength to overcome anything. You and your daughter can overcome this too. You just need to communicate.

There is nothing wrong with tough love, I think that more parents should raise their teenagers/adult children with tough love. Now, if your daughter is stealing from you and not going by your rules in your house then I would deffinantly make her move out, but not just because she got pregnant. All of her hormones are up in the air for her and all of this is new for her, so I am sure that she is scared and excited at the same time.

My mother never knew how to show compassion either. Still to this day she doesn't, but I push that issue aside and love her unconditionally anyway. There are some things in life that you can't change, but at least you realize that and are willing to go to counseling to discuss your issues.

You can't be doing all the working at this relationship though. Your daughter has to meet you half way. She has to want it too and I am sure that she will. Every daughter yearns for their mother's love and support even if they don't show it all the time. Espically during this time in her life when she is making a life alternating decision. You know how hard it is to be a mother and that is why you are having the feelings that you are having because she doesn't realize it yet and you are angry because you think that you are going to be raising another child when you have already paid your dues and you are frustrated because she didn't listen to you and had unprotected sex. You are hurt because she didn't confide in you to have safe sex. I can totally empathize with you and see where you are coming from, so relax and know that these feelings are normal. I would feel the same way if my daughter came home pregnant. But, what you do from here on out is show your daughter that you are there for her emotionally, mentally, and physically, but you will not support her and her child. She will have to do that and she will.

I work two jobs and go to school full-time and I really wish now that I would have listened to my mom before I got pregnant about having safe sex. I didn't realize how hard it really would be to be a single mom and try to work on my future as well. She can do it, it will be hard, but she can. This will help her become a woman. And you can do it to. You can handle this. God will never give you anything that you can't handle.

Please keep me updated on what is happening and how things are going with talking to your daughter and everything. I will be praying for you and your family. And remember, being a hard parent is better than being a parent who spoils their children and gives them everything that they want. You at least are preparing your children for the real world and not some fantasy world.

Good luck and if you need to talk to anyone, you can always send me a message. Hang in there, you can do this and don't beat yourself up, you are doing a great job!! If you didn't care about your children you wouldn't be on this website asking for advice. So I commend you for that.

bigma · May 15, 2009, 07:32 AM

Hello ANB428,

You've been a great help! I will keep you posted and God Bless You!!

Bluerose · May 15, 2009, 07:47 AM

bigma,

I'm sorry to hear that. I think it's perfectly understandable for you to react as you have. But your daughter is probably terrified right now, not knowing what to expect. I think it might be a case of taking it one day at a time. Try to cut the whole thing down into more manageable portions and simply deal with what needs to be dealt with now. She is going to need your support no matter how you feel just now. I have a grandson living with me I know how tough it can be but I think it's worth it, and I hope you come to that conclusion too.