[scheris]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I was just surfing the net to find some advice about relationship issues I have been having and came across this site and seemed like a good place to start and get opinions from people who have been through what I am going through and can share their advice.

I am in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years now. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster ride like you wouldn't believe but we stuck it out because we believe we are meant to be together forever and would eventually marry. When we first began, there were some good times and some bad times. We were comfortable with each other and we got along so well. But there would be other times when we didn't get along because of his friends. In the beginning, the number one thing on his priority list was his friends. Which bothered me for a long time because it wasn't the fact that he hung out with them, it was the fact that he used to stand me up for them all time and hung out with them all the time (80% of the time). I must admit I might have been a bit clingy when we first started but I eventually grew out of it, where it's come to the point where I'm beginning to distance myself to avoid disappointment and hurt.

After three turbulent years, where we broke up at least twice got back together and fought constantly, things got better but I got bitter and resentful for the pain and suffering I went through for him for the first three years plus the stress of things in life, work and family wasn't helping the situation. Which I know now was the worst thing a person can do to the person they love. I managed to successfully drive a bigger wedge between us and worse I managed to make him resent me and not trust me through my actions.

Now we have come to this current point of our relationship were we are stuck in rut and stagnating being unable to move forward in our relationship. We are both untrusting of each other i.e money, fidelity & love amongst other things. We have had several huge fights and at the end of it make the choice to make it work. More so, recently have had a fight every week. Mainly because he has recently began hanging out more with his mates every weekend and I am beginning to wear down not ready to deal with how things were in the beginning where I was second on his priority list. I have spoken to him about spending some time together and making a concerned effort to go out of our way to do so. But after three months of telling him to spend at least one night on the weekend with me and nothing has happened, I am beginning to wonder whether he wants to make the effort or he just trying to send me a message that he needs time to himself to do the things he wants to do.

What is there left for me to do? Go to couples counselling or maybe suggest a break?

I love him but I can't live this way anymore, I want things to change but how do I get that change and be happy?

[s_cianci]

Your post doesn't provide very many specifics other than the part about him hanging out with his friends more often than you'd like and him not spending as much time with you as you'd like. I can't be sure but it sounds like the two of you might not be compatible and have fundamentally different expectations about these sorts of things. Perhaps the best advice I can give you right now is to back off a little and leave a little space between you two. Let him have a taste of life without you. That may bring him around or drive him away. I think you're at a critical crossroad right now where you and he have to make a committed decision one way or another, to either continue or go your separate ways. You've been together for 6 years yet things still seem ambivalent between the two of you. I think that if you take a break now the ambivalence will resolve itself one way or another.

[Wildcat21]

6 years is a long time. To get out of the rut you need change. Why haven't you married? (I actually don't suggest you two get married though).

Personally this doesn't sound like a fullfilling relationship for you.

WHY all the fighting? - there is really no need for that.

Personally - I think your rerlationship has run it's course. I'd find someeone who can give you great JOY - this guy sounds like he just gives you a lot of CRAP!!

I don't think there is much respect from his part at all. You need respect and trust to make it work. You don't have this.

I personally wouldn't want to work out with this guy - he seems to act like a jerk half the time.

[talaniman]

I can imagine what kind of talks the two of you have. Between demands and ultimatiums and a lot of emotional outpour their probably is very little honest talking and listening going on. Who's trying to change who here, I can't tell but you both could stand some counceling. At least a third party to mediate. After 6 years you both should already know where this ship is headed and how to get there.

[Krs]

If after 6 years you are still his 2nd priority, this shows a HUGE red Flag to me.
If you do want to try make it work, suggest couple counseling to him and see his reaction. If his reaction is not what you expect then I guess you can gather where you stand.

[BIM]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I was just surfing the net to find some advice about relationship issues I have been having......


I love him but I can't live this way anymore, I want things to change but how do I get that change and be happy?

First off, Welcome! I was at a crossroads a few months ago and found this sight and have been with it ever since. I really enjoy this place... it actually has a "cleansing" affect at times.

But anyway, to me it sounds as though you have made up your mind in a round about way (ie: I can't live this way anymore) I think you have given it a good effort, but sometimes the fighting is all the relationship is about after a point. If you feel counseling will help or if you need to talk, by all means go. But if you feel your heart and soul cannot take it any more, then move on... I do not know what your living situation is, but if you do not live together, then leave him be. Let him come to you. As Wildcat said, 6 years and not commitment, that is questionable. But maybe a sign. :confused:

Good luck and keep everyone posted.

[Depressed in MO]

You mentioned that you both had trusting issues with each other, money, fidelity... etc... Fidelity?
It sounds by your post that you both have maybe cheated on each other in the past by some way or another; therefore, finding it hard to trust each other on that account, amongst others. If this is the case, then I truly feel that it is NOT going to work out because you do not cheat on someone you truly love. You or him! It sounds as though he is not ready to settle down and you are. I think it is hard for you to let him go and you are in love with the idea of him being there, but not actually him-because, well, how can you be in love with someone who makes you so miserable?
Please take what I say into consideration-I myself just came out of a 6 year relationship, like 3 months ago and I am very familiar with this behavior. I didn't cheat on my man, but he sure cheated on me and had similar actions in which you have posted above.

[lonnieslivinlif]

I have had similar situations in my life. Long term, real love, didn't want to let go. What I say is that if the pain outweighs the pleasure it can't be good for you. Right now I am in a situation that is turbulent, 7 years married and had to ask for advice on this forum. But at the same token I think that he makes me happier more than he makes me sad-so I stay. Believe me when the pain outweighs the good it may be hard to go but sometimes self preservation needs to prevail. Not suggesting you leave, not suggesting you stay. What I am suggesting is that you take some time(when he's out with his friends) and write a list of pros and cons about your relationship and him, a list of your needs and another of the needs he meets/doesn't meet, seriously ponder how you feel about him, if he still makes you happy, and if you are staying for other reasons besides love. Then come to your conclusion and do what is best for you. Right now, like I said, our good outweighs our bad. Even though we have had an abusive relationship in the past, he did take all the steps needed to save our marriage and change himself to a better man. This is why I am still here. I feel like I can't live without him sometimes. Even after 7 yrs when he isn't here I put one of his t-shirts on a pillow and sleep with it. But we did divorce for a year and remarry because the pain just wasn't worth it. I'ma leave you with some words my husband said to me that made me rethink how I see confusing and hurtful relationships. He said: " Do you know why I hurt you? Because you let me. If I knew you wouldn't tolerate my b.s then I wouldn't do it. But you allow me to treat you the way I do, so I do what I want knowing that you won't leave." From that day forth I don't tolerate his b.s and I refuse to allow him to make me miserable. There are more fish in the sea, even if the one I think is meant for me gets away...

Hope this helps. I used my own experiences hoping that you will get something from it. I pray you find that happiness we all seek.

-Married and confused at times.