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none12345 · May 5, 2009, 02:42 PM

Chris, you need to stick to nc no matter what. If she loves you she will come back and if she doesn't she won't. You will eventually see that she was not the best for you and things won't ever be the same anymore, so there's no point dwelling in the past. There is no future living in the past.

She made a decision for herself already and now it is time for you to do the same. Live your life, find happiness and just have fun with life. Don't think about her anymore. You don't need her to live, you are still breathing. You will find better things in your life but how can you when you are still hung up on your ex?

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 05:43 PM

I really don't know, I feel like I NEED to send her this email, for various reasons

(1) she might be thinking that I can't let her stuff go, that I kept her stuff for a long period just because I need them around (I said so the day we broke up).. And I don't want to appear that needy

(2) by keeping her stuff for so long, she might take advantage of it, thinking that I want her back, while she's there just thinking if she wants to be with me or not, keeping me on standby mode

I just want to show her (subtly) that there was another reason I kept her stuff & not because I need her back..

Do all of you think I should still NOT reply to her email, no matter what?

Triysle · May 5, 2009, 05:53 PM

First of all, if she hasn't asked about her stuff, it's not that big of a priority to her. What you need to do is get all of her things (ALL OF HER THINGS) together and package them up. This means going through all of your cabinets, drawers, clothing racks, desks, everything. Then, once you've got everything, set it all aside somewhere you won't see it all them.

If she wants her stuff back, she will ask for it. Quit worrying about her reactions, you're just holding on to false hope and you are distracting yourself from healing right now. I felt the same way, and I ended up making my ex have to come to my place when I wasn't even home to get her things, because she needed that much space.

Trust me, you need to stop worrying about her emotions right now and focus on your own. She can communicate with you when she is ready, and you need to figure yourself out and respond when you are ready.

~ Tee

talaniman · May 5, 2009, 06:14 PM

Do all of you think I should still NOT reply to her email, no matter what?

If it was that important she would have taken it with her. It doesn't work to just think of what she wants right now so pack up the crap and mail it and get it over with and stop worrying about what she may be thinking as that's down right crazy.

You feel you should send and email explaining yourself, when you can get her stuff back, and end this BS, and mind games your playing with yourself.

How dare you jump to the request of a female who dumped you and is now giving you deadlines.

Have you no dignity or self respect or did she take that too?

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 06:33 PM

talaniman I won't jump to her request, it'll take at least 2-3 days for me to respond..

I think you only have one solution for break ups: no contact, forget about him/her, move on, etc.. Things are not so simple, there are other ways you can win somebody back, while protecting your dignity as well.. It's call "fighting" for a relationship you care about, a person you sincerely love.. I cannot accept I will give up just like that.. As long as I'm careful not to lose my dignity & my pride, I think I'm OK

Triysle · May 5, 2009, 06:51 PM

Originally Posted by chrisj1234

talaniman i won't jump to her request, it'll take at least 2-3 days for me to respond..

I think you only have one solution for break ups: no contact, forget about him/her, move on, etc.. Things are not so simple, there are other ways you can win somebody back, while protecting your dignity as well.. It's call "fighting" for a relationship you care about, a person you sincerely love.. I cannot accept I will give up just like that.. As long as I'm careful not to lose my dignity & my pride, I think I'm ok

Read my signature. You cannot change how someone feels about you, man. There's nothing left to fight for; she dumped you, now you have to have the strength to leave her alone and deal with it yourself. Dignity and Pride are over-assertions of what you should be working on - self-respect and confidence.

Don't believe us? Send the email. See how that goes. Watch as your heart gets broken even more. Then come back here so we can all say "told you so!"

~ Tee

ajGambino · May 5, 2009, 08:18 PM

The "one solution" for break ups is the only solution. "Fighting" for your relationship will either push her away, thus hurting you... or, she'll take you back but she has your dignity and self respect in the palm of her hands. Not only that, but you'll have an extra fear and thought about her doing this to you again... but how far along when that happens?

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 08:25 PM

Ok, thanks for your advice, but to be honest I don't know what I'm going to do.. If I finally send the email, I'll let you know what happened..

I'm not American, I'm from Europe.. So, according to your culture, when you get dumped, you don't get to any sort of mind games? Don't you feel the need to show your ex that you don't really care? I just get the feeling that sending this email is my last chance to show her I've moved on with my life.. I'm afraid that if I don't let her know why it took me so long to send he stuff back, she's going to be laughing and thinking that I'm mourning her loss by keeping her stuff with me

Triysle · May 5, 2009, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by chrisj1234

Ok, thanks for your advice, but to be honest i don't know what i'm going to do.. If I finally send the email, i'll let you know what happened..

I'm not American, I'm from Europe.. So, according to your culture, when you get dumped, you don't get to any sort of mind games? Don't you feel the need to show your ex that you don't really care? I just get the feeling that sending this email is my last chance to show her i've moved on with my life.. I'm afraid that if i don't let her know why it took me so long to send he stuff back, she's gonna be laughing and thinking that i'm mourning her loss by keeping her stuff with me

It doesn't matter what culture you're in (well ok maybe it does to a certain extent) but the fact is, if you send her an email, you're showing her that you DO care, even if you SAY that you don't! Actions speak louder than words! You haven't moved on with your life, because you're still worrying about what she might think of you! The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on!

Read my signature!

~ Tee

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 09:01 PM

Hmmmm, so you think WHATEVER I say in the email, will backfire? Even if I show that I don't care anymore? OK, thanks, I'll think about it..

But, what you're suggesting, is that somebody can have an 8-year relationship, his partner just dumps him for silly reasons, and the dumped guy should just move on with his life & feel like he doesn't care? Doesn't it make sense for somebody to try to save his relationship, while trying to maintain his dignity? I can't give up, we have a very long history, a past. And I think that's the point where culture comes to play a huge role.. I think it's just how people think..

I'm not saying that the way you Americans think is wrong.. I'm just saying that our cultures are completely different, none is wrong or right.

Triysle · May 5, 2009, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by chrisj1234

Hmmmm, so you think WHATEVER i say in the email, will backfire? even if i show that i don't care anymore? ok, thanks, i'll think about it..

But, what you're suggesting, is that somebody can have an 8-year relationship, his partner just dumps him for silly reasons, and the dumped guy should just move on with his life & feel like he doesn't care? Doesn't it make sense for somebody to try to save his relationship, while trying to maintain his dignity? I can't give up, we have a very long history, a past. And I think that's the point where culture comes to play a huge role.. I think it's just how people think..

I'm not saying that the way you Americans think is wrong.. I'm just saying that our cultures are completely different, none is wrong or right.

I think you are reaching for reasons to argue ;) But you'll do whatever you think is best. I'm just giving you my opinion here.

I understand that you are emotionally invested into this relationship, but you keep going on about dignity and pride...you will show more strength in yourself, and more respect for her, by letting her come to you on her own terms. Trust me, I've made this mistake, trying to send emails, texts, even just asking for a conversation so I could get some sort of closure. The fact is, you have to have "pride and dignity" in yourself and acknowledge that you are still attached to this girl, and that you still need time to sort yourself out.

Frankly, you are insulting this girl's emotional capacity by assuming that you have to take control of this situation. Give her the time and space she needs; if you truly care about her more than yourself, you'll respect her space.

~ Tee

ajGambino · May 5, 2009, 11:00 PM

Keep NC, whatever you do, KEEP NC. The more you contact or try to make contact with her, your 'dignity' is taking hits that will only hurt you.

You show her you care by staying away from her like she asked and by not smothering her with something she no longer wants. I'm sorry man, but you got to let this go already. Doing ANYTHING with her at this point will only hurt you both.