[unhappyinMN]

Well here is the story and I don't know what to do!

First of all my husband is military. We met when he was on a debt, fell in love. We had been doing the long distance relationship from MN to WA. Everything was great we talked frequently and send love emails and letters. Then I got pregnant and he proposed. I had the baby and he went on cruise. When he returned from cruise we got married (not the big family wedding that I always dreamed of, but it worked at the time.) I then picked up and moved to WA to be with him and start our family. When I arrived there everything changed. It was not sunshine and happiness that it was before. (We had never lived together in the same place longer than a couple of weeks at a time.) I became very depressed and we had poor communication, the intimacy died. Everything seemed to die. Granted there were some good times but the bad times outweighed the good times. (I found out that he was doing things on the internet that should not be mentioned and I confronted him and thought that it ended there.) I was depressed from not being able to get a job, being alone (military wife didn’t know the half of it when I got married). We would both bottle our emotions and eventually it would blow up. It got physical on both our parts (I punched him and he choked me). Eventually it became so bad that he thought it would be better if I returned to MN to finish school with our daughter so that I would have help from my family while he was in military and I was in school. I thought that this was not a great idea, but I did it. I am still trying to complete my degree and now we have been separated for 2 years, in different states. In the past 2 years we have physically been together for maybe a total of month.

During this time apart he confessed to me that he had sex with another woman twice and that they have a kid. He claims not to have known that the child was his until recently (except the fact that they worked together practically every day. He said the affair happened in April of 2005; the child was born March of 2006. (We married in May, 2005). I did not find out about this child until January of 2008.

Feeling hurt and betrayed I began to withdraw emotionally from him. We argued constantly. I met someone that made me smile. Eventually we started divorce proceedings. Finally then he wanted to be the man I married. I wanted this so badly, so I attempted to end the relationship with the other man that I had been seeing. Whenever the marriage got tough I called the other. I have been flip flopping back and forth between the two. Both say they love me and would do anything for me. Currently I am in reconciliation which ends in June. I really wish that I could save my marriage, but the other man makes me smile and happy and he is in the same zip code as me. I am not sure if I can forgive him for the other child, and I know that I am in the wrong for my affair. The other is that we have our daughter together and I want a family for her.

I know that I need to stop flip flopping but I don't know what to do and wish that I could find some answers. I guess in some ways it shows that we love each other because I keep going back to my husband. Am I just going to the other for convenience sake? Any suggestions would be great. I am not proud of my actions, but at the time I was doing the best to get by.

If anyone is out there that has gone through the same thing I would love to hear what you were able to do. I do not fault the child, but at the same time don’t know what I will do and feel when he constantly has to be apart of the other woman’s life. Especially since now we are so far apart. I know that this is long so thanks in

[Rich11111]

The only reason you gave to stay with your husband is that you have a child together, and you want her to be happy.
Whilst this is a very good reason it doesn't work if it's the only one. From the way you describe it, being with your husband makes you depressed and you being depressed really won't be good for your child.

[liz28]

If you want your marriage to work then you need to stop having the outside influence from the other guy. Stop being in contact with him if you ceriously want to rebuild your marriage.

If you don't want to rebuild your marriage and is only doing it for your child then don't. Kids can sense things and they watch their parents interactions with one another and you don't want her to see anything other than love. This can damage her and her own relationships when she grows up. The both of you can still make her happy and be parents to her apart.

I hope the two of you isn't and weren't arguing and hitting each other in front of her. Both of you have anger and communication issues but never should he wrapped his hands aways you and choke you. A real man would have walked away regardless to the fact that you hit him. You should never put your hands on him though and I hope you learned how to handle your bottle up anger, frustration, and resentment.

The decision is your on what to do but never what cheating should never be an option. I know he cheated on you and a child resulted from it but two wrongs don't make it right. You even accept his affair and child and move on or you don't and leave. You need to leave both guys alone and really clear your head and maybe see a counselor by yourself. Because in the end you only have you and your daughter.