[magikman]

Hi All,

I've posted here a couple times over the last year, following a major 5 year relationship breakup that I went through in early 2008. Almost everyone seems pretty honest, and I appreciate the advice, even if it isn't always what I want to hear. Thanks all, it means a lot!

Quick background about me: I'm a 34 yr old professional male, very outgoing and I've spent the last year really trying to break old relationship habits and determine what I'm looking for in a potential partner and relationship. I've been around the block a couple times, and am getting to the point where I'm ready to settle down with someone. However, like everyone here, I also carry the battlescars of my previous experiences. I went through 6 months of online dating and went out on a number of dates with various women, none of whom I really clicked with. None of these dates materialized into anything.

In early March 2009, along came Kathy (she was 35), whom I met online. We chatted for a while via email, then progressed to phone then in-person. We clicked really, really well and for the first time in a while, I found someone who really "got me." We liked all the same things, had similar viewpoints, and could chat about ANYTHING. It felt really refreshing, like I could be myself and not feel the need to act or be something I wasn't. Kathy liked to communicate a lot, which is something I support as well, and we'd have numerous "state-of-the-union" talks throughout our dating. I assured her that I liked her too, and was enjoying getting to know her better.

About 8 weeks into dating (about 10-12 dates or so), Kathy sat me down and said she no longer wanted to date anyone else, and more/less asked the same of me. I wasn't sure how I felt about this. On one hand, it's something I thought I wanted, but I also felt a little suffocated as I wasn't sure if I felt serious enough to "make the jump." I told her I felt there was serious potential for us, but that I needed a little more time to think things through. I really meant this from my heart, as I'm not a player or out to hurt anybody. In fact, I wasn't really dating anyone else at the time anyway... She said she'd give me a little time to figure things out, as she said "it was worth it.."

Turns out, she gave me just a couple days. She called me a few days later to say that she was really into me, but the fact that I didn't return the same feelings of exclusivity was tearing her apart inside. She said she couldn't keep going on like this and decided to walk away from it all. On one hand, I admire her courage and honesty to be able to admit that to my face - if only all women I encounter could be so forthcoming! On the other hand, I'd told her that I really felt something for her and felt A LOT of potential, but was scared due to battlescars from my previous relationships. Part of me feels a little jipped, as this all creeped up so fast and I wasn't sure how to respond.. part of me feels like I wasn't given a fair chance. I've been in her shoes, too, where my feelings weren't 100% reciprocated, so I know how tough that can be.

There's a lot of pieces left out of the story, but this is the gist of it. I realize I could get flamed by some folks by my response to her, but I really am slightly scared of jumping back in. Thoughts? Are relationships all about perfect timing? For the folks here, how do you react when the exclusivity topic is brought up? Maybe the fact that I didn't meet it with gusto speaks volumes enough. Hmmm... Everything seemed great until I felt backed into the corner, before I was ready, and wasn't sure how to respond to her. How does everyone else handle that?

Thanks for the responses. Good Luck to everyone!

Good luck Kath.. I wish you a world of happiness.

[Justwantfair]

So am I understanding you correctly and now you are on your way back out into the dating world? You are letting this potential relationship go?

Relationships are never about perfect timing, it's about compatibility, compromise and growth. I understand how Kathy was feeling. I understand that you are letting your baggage ruin what you admit was great potential. Relationships are scary, there isn't any guarantee for our futures.

If you are feeling overwhelmed looking so far into the future can be more harmful then productive. You said you currently were exclusive, but the fact that she wanted you to acknowledge that you would be exclusive caused you to panic. You are applying the pressure onto yourself, unless you are willing to take one day at a time, you will continue to be overwhelmed.

Maybe the thing that would bring you closer would be admitting your fear. Letting her know you are scared - just like she is because she asked you. Ask to take things one day at a time and let her know that you aren't dating anyone else.