[whyeye]

I don't want this to be too long, so I'll try and simplify it as much as I can. So I was with this girl for a year, broke up somewhere around 7 months ago. Things started awesome as with most relationships, but as things went on I got more and more insecure, controlling, and selfish. I did so many inconsiderate things that thinking back now, is almost unbelievable. Unsurprisingly, she was the one to break it off. I didn't take it too well, but she ended up not answering my calls and just outright ignoring me, which again seems the decent thing to do.

I was in denial for the initial period, but as the grieving process wore on I was able to objectively look back on the relationship and realise what had gone wrong, and all the hurt I must have caused her during our time together. With such a realisation came an incredible need to reach out to her, not as a means to get her back, but more as a way to gain back some mutual trust and let her know that I have changed for the better. She always was and still is a great person, and I just don't want to lose contact with someone like that forever. The task was difficult however, with her still enforcing no contact it was impossible for me to talk to her.

So I decided to give her some time, for over 3 months I made no further attempt to contact her. It was also during this time that I had an unbearable desire to prove, to myself or otherwise, that I was a changed person, that I was able to treat others right. This resulted in me dating a new person, someone in the same field as the ex (nurse). Whether is pure coincidence, or a subconcious longing for my ex, I still do not know. With this new girl I was able to avoid past mistakes, and things are working out very well. Problem is, the need to reach out to my ex was still strong as ever, and I finally summoned the courage to try one last time at calling her.

To my relief, she answered. It was expectedly awkward at the start, but we talked for some 20 minutes and generally remained very polite to each other. Then from that evening onwards we were able to keep very sporadic contact (a couple of SMSs per week). She gradually increased the amount of contact over the month and we ended up with some semi-frequent IMing. Through it all I had not mentioned that I was now with another girl. I told myself that I had no obligation to tell an ex of my romantic activities, but perhaps the real reason was my fear of her disappearing on me once again.

It was through a social networking site that my ex discovered a frequent female visitor to my page. It seemed to piqué her interest and she tried to pry info out of me by insisting
That I date this person. She didn't know that I had already been dating this new girl for some 3 months, and stupidly, I lied and denied any involvement with this girl. Fast forward one week, and my ex had managed to 'befriend' my new girlfriend, and sure enough it wasn't long before she discovered the truth. This is when all hell breaks loose.

Maybe due to the shock of it all, she was very accepting at first. She wished us happiness, and was telling my current girlfriend that she has no intention of ever intefering with our current relationship. One day later and holy crap is she pissed. She hates me, she hates my guts. She is absolutely livid that I lied to her about the new girl. She is furious that she had to find out from somebody else. She resents ever loving me, she cannot believe how stupid she was, how she could ever have fallen for me. She then duly gave me a recap of all the wrong things I had done during our relationship together, and how much pain I had caused her over and over again. The exact things that were being played and rewinded infinitely in my head during the period after the break up, things over which I have lost many nights' sleep, things that made me disgust myself, the things that I always wanted to but never got a chance to make right. She made me realise once again just how appalling of a human being I am.

Here's the deal. I grew up in an abusive household and do lack many emotions which may be entirely natural to normal people. This of course cannot be an excuse for me to be bringing pain to others. I'm so disgusted with myself that I don't think I can go ahead with my current relationship. The new girl treats me remarkably well, but now I cannot bring myself enjoy being with her. I no longer believe I deserve someone that cares for me. I want to be used, and I want someone who does not give a damn about doing so. I feel so sick that I just want to give my ex a knife and let her stab me.

Then after writing all this I still don't know what's next, what's there for me to do now? I am completely lost in my thoughts, so if anyone here can help organise my thoughts just a little I would be extremely grateful.

This ended up quite long after all. Thanks for the patience.

[myuz]

Sorry to hear all that man. I understand. As is the case in my past relationship, sometimes you need to lose her to realise how stupid you were and all the mistakes you have made.

I really think you can just apologize to her for everything, wish her well in her life, and say goodbye. Now you can learn from the mistakes you made in that relationship and see if the one with this new girl can be salvaged still.

[none12345]

Dude first of all, I think you got into a relationship too quickly after the break up when clearly you weren't ready for it yet.

Don't let your ex get to you. You are not a horrible person. You need to be more forgiving of yourself. You don't need constant criticism from your ex. No one is perfect but it doesn't mean they are a bad person. Personally I think for your own sake you need to stay out of her life. You're already out the day you guys broke up so stay out. She will only bring you down.

Obviously she is the controlling one. She doesn't like the idea that you are with someone else now. Its obvious that you're still not over her as well. Why are you letting her get to you?

As for the new girl. You say she treats you nice. So think about her. Don't do anything that will hurt her. If you can't be with her because you are still hung up on your ex, let her know.

[myuz]

You also are beating yourself up too much I think. We all do this after we are dumped but don't go overboard on yourself.

You must have a lot of great qualities about you that drew her to you in the first place and she stayed with you all that time not to mention. Realise you made mistakes and are not a monster OK. You can improve on the negative aspects of yourself and become a better person. Which it sounds like you have already started doing with this new relationship.

[whyeye]

So it looks like there are no viable means for me to still be able to make amends with my ex. She's also incredibly annoyed that she feels like she was used as a "labrat", to make me improved an a person only to have someone else benefit from said improvement.

[myuz]

Apologize to her , let her know how bad you feel, see what happens , that's all you can do.

[Gemini54]

So it looks like there are no viable means for me to still be able to make amends with my ex. She's also incredibly annoyed that she feels like she was used as a "labrat", to make me improved an a person only to have someone else benefit from said improvement.

So, go NC again. It sounds as if you're still learning about yourself and I don't know if, from what you've said, there has been such a dramatic improvement. After all, you've been lying to your ex and your current GF haven't you?

However, this doesn't make you bad, it just makes you human. Stop beating yourself up.

Stop all contact with the ex. Focus on the new GF. Prove that you've changed and matured. Prove it to yourself, not to anyone else!

[Triysle]

One of things you should realize is that even if you are a changed person, your desire to show her that was an indication of your need to control the situation on some level. It's not unnatural to want to show her that you're a better person, and I understand that your intention was not to get back together with her. But speaking as someone who has been in exactly your position, the worst thing you can do is try to demonstrate how much better you are. If the girl wanted to give you another chance, she would; trying to force interaction is only going to make things worse.

Now on to the recent issue. I understand your motivation for deceiving her, but you need to be truthful to yourself right now and ask "Did I do what's best for her, or what was best for me?" If she didn't ask about the girl, you weren't obligated to tell her unless you were wanting the friendship with her to go somewhere more later. However, when it was clear that her understanding of your new relationship was flawed, it was your responsibility to correct it. Your choice to allow her to continue to be misinformed shows that you cared more about preserving the hopes of something with her instead of caring more about her own feelings.

Right now, this girl is probably feeling like you were leading her on and setting her up to look like a fool. Consider if she had done this to you, with the same circumstances. How would you have felt if she was dating another guy, but hadn't told you, or even worse, had let you believe that she was just friends with someone when it was more than that?

I think your best option right now is to admit that you tried to manipulate her, because that's exactly how she feels right now. If she's ignoring you, she has every right to, and you should not push her. You had a chance, and you blew it. But, you can learn from that mistake, and not let it happen again. Be more honest with yourself, and with this new girl, or you might end up losing this one as well!

~ Tee

[liz28]

You cause yourself this grief by getting in contact with your ex and then tried to hide your current relationship from her. Why did you do it? Because I think some how you thought you might still have a chance with her so you with held some important information from her.

It is time now for you to move forward and don't contact your ex again. Even to apologize because you cause too much damage. Learn from your mistakes and don't ever repeat them again.

Leave the past in the past and don't reach out to your ex again. Don't get involved with nobody else until your truly over your ex bacause what you did was wrong and it can't be undone.

Time to be alone and reflect on your actions and this time around really let go of your ex. Don't change yourself to try to prove something to someone change for the better for yourself.

[Romefalls19]

This is why we say "leave exes alone", she caused a huge panic button to be pressed in your head, why? Because you are not emotionally ready to handle another relationship as you haven't recovered from the sting of your previous one.

STOP talking to you ex girlfriend!

[whyeye]

Thanks everyone, thanks for the honesty. I think you're all right, I didn't exactly handle this matter the right way. I did call her up last night to apologise for lying and misleading her. She also has some really important exams in about 5 days so I also managed to convince her to put all other matters aside and try her best to focus. All these emotions will have to be dealt afterwards.

The current GF has been amazingly calm and supportive through all of this. I have been completely honest with her with regards to everything that has happened, so it must have hurt her a bit too. I didn't realise she could be so mature and understanding, and she has been so sensible when communicating with myself or my ex. The truth is I had been after more of a casual relationship, believing it would help me get over the ex, but this current girlfriend has always been the type to only want long term relationships. So in light of it all, I will be doing all I can to treat her right.

[Triysle]

I think that you are shooting yourself in the foot by pursuing a relationship with this new girl, and that she is naive for thinking that she can fix you (that is what she thinks, trust me).

The sad part is, you're taking away a chance to figure yourself out right now. It's not just about what you did wrong with this previous relationship. Do you know what makes you happy? Do you know what you want in a relationship, and what expectations you have of your partner?

You're doing one of the worst possible things you can do - jumping into a new relationship before you've figured yourself out. This girl seems like a really sweet person, and it's nice that she wants to help you; that is NOT a good basis for a relationship, though!

Heed my warnings, please!

~ Tee

[whyeye]

You're probably right, but then what should I do with the current girl? I'm pretty tired of hurting others and I hate letting them down. Regardless of how things may end up, I want the duration of this relationship to be a pleasant one. I would like to have her look back one day, and there to be more fond memories than regrets. It's the least I could do for someone who very obviously is making a lot of effort to be with me, as well as the fact that I do care deeply for her.

[mum45]

I sit here and wonder if I am the only one missing the obvious. The obvious thing in the first place is why the ex befriended the new girl... I mean, if I was her and was curious as to who the "new chick on the block" is, I would be doing anything to find out by hook or by crook. She did, and you got busted.

My question: Are you REALLY over the ex? If you are not, then you should be fair to the new girl and step back some. If she has been good through all this, she is a pretty decent girl and deserves better than to be hurt more down the road. Be honest if you are not over the ex. To me, it sounds like you are not over her yet. And if you are not over the ex, guess who is going to be hurt... the new girl. Not you, the new girl. She is just at this point an bystander who got sucked in and now cares about you. Don't make her care more and more then get the wind knocked out of her. That's not playing fair.

Also, integrity, honesty, loyalty, honor. These are traits that I admire in a man. These traits my husband have, and I just couldn't have ever married him if I had not had that trust. You would want that in the woman you love! Treat any woman you are in a relationship with the way you want them to treat you. If you do not VALUE them, then don't bother. It's a waste of your time, and theirs.

[Gemini54]

You're probably right, but then what should I do with the current girl? I'm pretty tired of hurting others and I hate letting them down. Regardless of how things may end up, I want the duration of this relationship to be a pleasant one. I would like to have her look back one day, and there to be more fond memories than regrets. It's the least I could do for someone who very obviously is making a lot of effort to be with me, as well as the fact that I do care deeply for her.

No, don't let down the current girl. Forget the other one, put her out of your mind. Don't ever contact her again.

Yes, it may have been unwise to have jumped into a new relationship so quickly, but it's done. It can't be changed.

So, respect the new GF and start acting with maturity. Show HER what you've learnt and show her through your actions that you care about her. Show her that you can be trusted. This means ditching the other one and focusing on her.

[whyeye]

I am a bit confused as to what is going on right now...

Those two are now quite good friends, they talk lots and have nicknames for each other and things like that. What on Earth is going on? Is this how it usually goes? Now my ex is warning me not to hurt my current GF. She wants me to get serious with this relationship.

I think I need a bit of time away from all of this and get some breathing space. There will come a time when things need to be decided for the best interest of all involved, but I feel like a mess right now and definitely not in the right state of mind.

[liz28]

I find it so weird that your ex and new girlfriend are friends/best buds. You should leave this situation because I think your ex got something up her sleeve.

Also, I think your going end up hurting your current girlfriend more especially since the ex is back in the picture.

Move on before you hurt this girl again.

[talaniman]

Fact- Your not ready for a relationship with any one, and your good intentions only hide a very needy person, who needs time, and space to figure themselves out.

That's the only way you get some real change, for the better.