[rgill222]

Been married about five years and I knew she drinks but really?
She spends all day shopping and stops for a couple of beers and does not call to ask me or does not tell me she doing it.
Perhaps she has to leave work early to help her son and stops for a couple of beers before she comes home and again does not say anything.
She also travels a lot and I know she goes to the hotel bar alone and drinks but again she tries to keep it from me, she also goes out at night with coworkers and customers when traveling.
Where does a couple draw the line. If she has nothing to hide shouldn't she tell me what she does instead of not telling me

[artlady]

I think you need to arm yourself with knowledge about alcoholism.

As a family member of an alcoholic there are programs designed especially for people in your circumstance.

I am giving you a link to an on line al anon site where you can get the tools you need to better understand what is happening.

They have on line meetings and the people there have a wealth of important information to help you.

Online Al-Anon Outreach

[liz28]

I wanted to add that most people that abuses alcohol don't think they have a problem. They see iit as simply having a drink. A drink with friends, a drink for this, a drink for that, yada yada.

The fact she is trying hide it tells another story so be aware and prepare yourself to hear her deny she has a problem.

Also, the only question I have for you do you have a problem that she is drinking or who she is drinking with? Or are you mad that she is going out, maybe without you?

[Justwantfair]

Is she hiding it because you would have a problem with it?

Is it that she would like her downtime at the end of the evening before she comes home to spend time with you?

I am not going to jump to alcoholism, but I think that is what concerns you, are you opposed to drinking?

Why do you believe that she hides it from you? You would know best. Is she coming home plastered? Are there other issues in the marriage she is avoiding?

[Romefalls19]

You need to speak to her about it, sadly this does sound like alcohol abuse and she won't admit it. You have to be prepared for it, counseling would really help. You need to get informed about this disease

[I wish]

Sounds like she's an alcoholic. You need to get her to enroll in a program to recover. This condition can only get worse if she doesn't receive the necessary help.

It also sounds like she's suffering from severe depression, in which case she would need some counselling. If she really has to travel that much for her job, she should take a huge chunk of time off. She seems overwhelmed.

[roxypox]

I have a few questions, if you don't mind.

I wonder; are you worried that she has a problem with alcohol?

Or does it bothers you that she stops to have a beer/drink etc. and doesn't tell you or invite you to join her?

[Justwantfair]

I think it is wrong to jump that she is an alcoholic.

There are plenty of people who enjoy a beer or two at night and some personal down time. If it's not about getting drunk and the drinking is not changing her personality, that doesn't necessarily mean alcoholism.

Alcoholics have no control and often are taking high risks including changes in personality, missing work and/or alienating their family. With the limited information I don't feel like we have met the extreme of alcoholism. Sounds like someone who just enjoys a drink or two a day.

The OP needs to answer some of the other questions to clarify the extent of the problem with her having a drink or two every day.

[liz28]

Justwantfair;1700343Alcoholics have no control and often are taking high risks including changes in personality, missing work and
Alienating their family. With the limited information I don't feel like we have met the extreme of alcoholism. Sounds like someone who just enjoys a drink or two a day.

I have to disagree with this statement. My uncle was an alcoholic and drunk everyday but he was a functional alcoholic. He never missed a day from his job even when he was sick or hung over, he never alienating himself from his friends or family. Even upbeat personality never changed so when never could figure out why he drunk the way he did.

I guess every alcoholic is different.

[roxypox]

I think it is wrong to jump that she is an alcoholic.

There are plenty of people who enjoy a beer or two at night and some personal down time. If it's not about getting drunk and the drinking is not changing her personality, that doesn't necessarily mean alcoholism.

Alcoholics have no control and often are taking high risks including changes in personality, missing work and alienating their family. With the limited information I don't feel like we have met the extreme of alcoholism. Sounds like someone who just enjoys a drink or two a day.

The OP needs to answer some of the other questions to clarify the extent of the problem with her having a drink or two every day.

Had to spread the rep: I agree, I don't want to jump the gun and assume that she's an alcoholic either... and it really would be helpful to know more what the OP's concerns are! Alcohol? That they don't spend enough time together? etc. my main impression of the OP does honestly leads towards the latter!

[Justwantfair]

I have to disagree with this statement. My uncle was an alcoholic and drunk everyday but he was a functional alcoholic. He never missed a day from his job even when he was sick or hung over, he never alienating himself from his friends or family. Even upbeat personality never changed so when never could figure out why he drunk the the way he did.

I guess every alcoholic is different.

I agree, there are functioning alcoholics, but there are about 12 factors that make an alcoholic and typically you should met 3-4 of them to be categorized this way.

People who enjoy drinking everyday are not necessarily alcoholics, although I don't agree that it should be a daily necessity.

It would just be nice to know all the relating factors before deciding that she is an alcoholic.

[talaniman]

If she has nothing to hide shouldn't she tell me what she does instead of not telling me

Tell her you know, and don't put up with it. You two are not talking to each other. Or, one of you is not listening, or can't hear what the other is saying.

Which is it?