[trujew]

Hello. I'd appreciate any feedback you can give me on this matter pertaining to my boyfriend.

I recently started dating a man I've actually known for about 6 years. He's 15yrs. Older than me and we have both been married before. Actually, he's been married twice (first wife he has two children with, which are now grown). His second wife he has a child with (that child is 12). I've been married but no children.

So what I want to know is this... we've been dating for a couple months now and are very much into each other. We've gotten very close surprisingly quickly and now he's practically living with me in my one bedroom apartment. We are both at an age where we are done playing the field and want to settle down and create a life together.

I am just wondering if it's too fast. I am questioning myself and I think I am only doing that because I am in fear of getting hurt like everyone else. It's me doubting myself, that's what I think. When I stop and think about everything that's happening, I feel I am making the right move. Maybe I'm just afraid of commitment again? But here's more why I am needing advice.

There's always more to the story, naturally... so here it is, my boyfriend (at the moment) technically lives with his ex-wife. He is only living there because when they got divorced, he moved out and she still owed him over 100k. He had been living in an apartment paying over 1000 bucks a month. Since she had not yet paid him back the money he's owed, she called him and said he could live there (back at the house) for free since she owes him money. He took her up on the offer for a couple reasons: 1) he was resigned to the fact that he would be single for the rest of his life, 2) he thought he might as well live there and save his money then blow 1000 a month on rent and 3) if he lived there, even though he doesn't get along with his ex-wife, he could see his daughter and managing her schedule would be easier.

He has told me he is definitely not in love with her anymore and I believe that whole-heartedly. He really wants to be with me and that is why he's at my place virtually every night. He gives me a lot of things (which I don't need and I tell him its not important). He also is very helpful around the house. But I am starting to feel like if he's going to be living with me then maybe he should pay half the expenses.

I think I am being selfish here. While I say I'm not attached to money, I do have a fear that money is scarce and I need more. I have communicated all this to him. And it's an awkward thing because I don't want him to think I am consumed by money but maybe I am. I just would like to hear him say hey, let me give you 100 dollars toward food, etc. I feel a little like I might be getting used. Then again, he spends upwards of 100 to 150 a month on me for health products. I keep telling him he doesn't have to do that and he still does. I told him I don't want to take advantage of him or take him for granted. But he continues to do it.

When I told him if he does end up living with me we should look at splitting the expenses, he didn't say anything. But I never get the sense he's angry or he doesn't understand. I guess I don't always trust myself, as I've said.

As for what we do for a living... I'm a govt. worker and have been for 18yrs. He used to work in environmental health but now is a massage therapist and into marketing now. So basically, he does't have a lot of money and has inflexible hours. I believe in him so much and I love his family and his daughter, but what are your thoughts? I know only I can make the final call on all this. I truly feel so balanced by this man. Like he's the missing piece to the puzzle. What I admire so much about our relationship is that we can say anything to each other and we are best friends, yet this is the only part that's a tad awkward for me.

I think I also worry way too much and I need to stop letting my past come into my future. But I'm just curious what someone else thinks of this idea. My family has met him but they haven't really said much about him. They just said they like him and he seems like a really nice guy.

Maybe I'm just being like so many other worried women... please advise and thanks for reading.

[mudweiser]

Too fast indeed. I have a feeling that this is his pattern. You need to back up.

This man has had two failed marriages- do you know why?

There was a little red flag when you said he still lives with his ex.

Be cautious and tread carefully.

If I were you I'd be friends with him only--he doesn't seem to be very grounded right now.

That's just my opinion.

Sarah

[Romefalls19]

Eh, I am in no room to talk, my fiancé lived with her ex in laws when we started dating but that was because she had moved from California and then was planning on moving back to California once she dropped her ex into his family's arms to deal with his crap. Then she met me, but we moved in together after being a couple for 6 months and we are engaged and living together happily, sure we have our problems, but we get past them. I do know for a fact that I am on the lower percentage of odds for this working, I credit it to this site to be honest. I learned a lot about relationships through this site, if you think you are just going to move in together and have it be easy and not have to work for it, you will crash and burn. It's sad but reality, I told my fiancé this when we moved in together, a blow up happened with her and her ex's family and she moved in with me and things worked out very well. It is possible, but only through hard work and even then it's not a sealed deal.

[pathisfer]

Yes, I think things are moving too fast. Most grown men aren't comfortable having women support them and he is- he has a lot of excuses for not being independent and his relationships don't seem to have healthy boundaries, I think this is what is making you uncomfortable.
I also find it a little strange that his ex owes him such a substantial amount of money- money is usually shared when you are married and have a child together. The way he's presenting it is as if he wrote her a check for 100k and now she can't pay him back so she 'owes him'. Does he not pay child support? What I'm getting at is there seems to be a lot of ambiguity that he can work with to make himself look like the martyr in this situation and I don't quite buy it. I'm not saying he's some con artist, just that it doesn't make sense.
Buying you healthcare products yet not contributing to your living expenses when he's there ALL the time is another 'ambiguity' and when you are dating, it's normal for guys to take you out and spend money on you but I don't think that's the case here- I think it's more convenient for him to only spend $150 per month instead of $1000 plus taking you out and courting you. What has he invested in this? I would feel used as well. I think he's made out pretty well in this situation and at your expense.
If he's truly in this for the long haul, he'll want you to be happy and certainly won't ever want to take advantage of you. He'll also respect your pace.
I think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect that you take them seriously when they are still living with a person they have been intimate with/ married to. Once again, he's asking for you to invest a lot in him upfront without giving much in return. I'm sure he gives you a lot emotionally and it's nice to have found someone you feel this way about but when that person is taking with the other hand, you'll end up feeling emotionally robbed.
People usually don't break patterns when they go from one relationship to another without independence in between. I think if you want this relationship to work and not be taken for a ride, slow things down and let him know that he's asking a whole lot from you! Not that you aren't willing to give things a try but that you are interested in developing a healthy relationship with someone that will complement your life, that you can build a future with. He has some work to do before that can happen- establish his independence, get in writing what his ex supposedly owes him, child support, etc...
No more grey areas! Take your blinders off and look at this objectively, like you are making a sound business decision- this is your future and you have to use your head first, then your heart, okay? A quality man will respect you for that.

[talaniman]

What's your hurry? You can't be sprung after a few months can you? It would be best to get to know him a lot better before you jump headfirst into something that only feels good now.

If you feel the same way in a year, go for it. But for now, not to smart.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=4252049

Seems you haven't learned any thing from your past relationships... that failed.

[artlady]

Tell him how you feel.

As you said all is well except for this one thing so get it out in the open.

I don't think it makes you sound like someone who is consumed with money,I think it is reasonable to have someone share living expenses if they are sharing the home.

If you have had good communication thus far,don't jeopardize it by keeping this resentment in check.Talk it out.

[liz28]

I think you should listen to yourself because you even think things are moving too fast due to your fears and past relationships.

It is okay to take things slow and get to know each other without the rush.

Be smart and don't just settle for anyone because you don't want to start over.

Right now he isn't living with you regardless if he is over every night. Once he starts living with you then yes it is okay to split things 50/50 but some how I get the feeling your rushing things because you don't want to be alone. Please don't let this be the reason.

Also, I must stress that communication is the key and one of the main ingredients for a relationship to work. If you ask a question you should get a response and if you I would be kind of leery if you didn't. But I wouldn't let him get off easy and would simply asked my question again.

[Survivor07]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing up expenses and sharing them with someone you're living with.

BUT I think it's a red flag that he's living with his ex and hasn't had much time on his own, yet "ready" to move in with you.

I've known people who live with an ex temporarily for financial reasons. It's not unheard of...

As I've been told, if you have to ask the question, "do you think I'm moving too fast," usually you are.

If it's a good relationship that will stand the test of time, then slowing things down shouldn't hurt a thing.