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Mike pidi · Apr 25, 2009, 02:46 AM

I am a 28 year old male in a long distance relationship with this girl for 9 months now. I have known her most of my life and have similar circles of friends. We have an open, communicative relationship and she has told me about most of her previous sexual encounters. At first, this did not bother me that much, but as the relationship has become more serious, this has become a major issue for me. I have these constant recurring thoughts of her and what type of person she was before she met me. I have brought this problem to the table with her but she is not willing to discuss it easily and constantly asks me why I have these thoughts and why I have this opinion I have of her.

These thoughts have become overwhelming and I can't seem to get them out of my head which makes the problem even more severe. I could spend whole days thinking about this and this affects my mood and my day to day life. The other issue is that two of previous sexual partners I have to associate with and this causes me even more grief and makes the situation even worse.

I would like to deal with this problem as I really care for her and do not want to let this become the reason we have to end our relationship.

Please help, any solution, be it medical or other will be greatly appreciated

Thanks in advance

JoeCanada76 · Apr 25, 2009, 05:48 AM

Your going to ruin your relationship. It does not matter who was before you. She is with you know. Look at her now with you and your future with each other. Is all that matters. Stop being so preoccupied with her past.

If you can not move past it, your relationship is sure to fail.

Best of luck. If you can not get it out of your head, it is time for you to seek out counseling.

Joe

Survivor07 · Apr 25, 2009, 06:40 AM

Everyone has a past. You are not going to find someone without a past.

It's important to be able to talk about sexual history, risk of STD's, birth control, etc. but beyond that, you cannot focus on her past sexual experiences. As you can see, it's not healthy.

She is with you now. She did not cheat on you with these other two men you know, so it doesn't matter.

Surely she is not the first woman you've ever been with, right?

You said you've known her most of your life, but yet you're concerned with what type of person she was before she met you? I don't get it. Are you saying that she has low morals because she has been with other men?

I think that focusing on her past, instead of who she is now and that she's with you now, will ruin your relationship and it's not fair to her.

talaniman · Apr 25, 2009, 06:14 PM

Most people who come here with your same problem, (Past of the G/F ) are usually insecure, and I am willing to bet the distance and time apart makes things worse. That's really your mind playing tricks on you because you let it. Most guys take it as a blow to the ego, when their female is more experienced, or unavailable on a steady basis and usually it ruins the relationship.

Bottom line, is you must learn to cope with your feelings in a positive way, and one way to do that is keep yourself confidence, and self esteem up, and balancing your life, with things you enjoy, and that makes you happy.

Another is the trust thing. Most time distance makes us distrust a partner, because of little things that build up in our own minds, we cannot explain. She may be busy or unavailable, or it seems like it, and that triggers all kinds of thoughts going through our head.

The other issue is that two of previous sexual partners I have to associate with and this causes me even more grief and makes the situation even worse.

I assume they are HER past partners, and seeing them everyday can weird you out, but why do you see them so much?

friend4u178 · Apr 25, 2009, 06:19 PM

Does she worry about your past? I'm assuming you have one as we all do.

Gemini54 · Apr 25, 2009, 11:10 PM

As others have already noted and you have admitted - this is your problem not hers.
So deal with it yourself and stop hassling her.

Try to get some insight about why you're behaving so obsessively:

Are you sexually inexperienced?
Are you insecure?
Are you worried by the distance between you?
Why are her previous sexual encounters so worrying for you?
Do you feel compared to her previous sexual partners or do you compare yourself?

In any case, there is no 'medical' solution that I can think of to assist your predicament. The only thing is good, old fashioned self control. When you find yourself thinking these things just say to yourself 'stop!'. Keep doing it every time you have one of these thoughts. You're creating the thoughts - you can stop them.

If all else fails, speak to a counsellor who can assist you to understand the source of the obsessive thinking.

makapuu · Apr 27, 2009, 01:09 AM

It must be awkward for you to associate with your girlfriend's former lovers. I think that as you become more comfortable in your relationship, the thoughts will fade.

Mike pidi · Apr 27, 2009, 10:05 AM

Dear all

Thank you for your advice. Its helped a lot

I hope I can get over these thoughts.

One last thing one of the two people I mentioned is one of her friends and who she still hangs out with to this day. I understand that the others are in her past but why should this person still be in her life when it makes me feel so uncomfortable. She acts as if nothing has happened and it was a moment of weakness.

How can I deal with this when it is and will continue to be a part of our life together

Romefalls19 · Apr 27, 2009, 10:36 AM

Personally, you deal with that better than I would. That would be a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't want to be around a guy my fiancé had slept with for longer than I had to(dropping the girls off and picking them up) I sure wouldn't be hanging out with them, no way.

The other posters said it all about the other people in her past, you got to live with it or leave. With her friends, you either have to talk to her about it or decide if it's a deal breaker for you. I wouldn't fault you for walking away from that situation, it is extremely uncomfortable being in that situation and she keeps it happening.

talaniman · Apr 27, 2009, 11:30 AM

I took this from a site I always pass to people in a LDR, food for thought

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky
Naturally, being separated from your significant other means you're not as privy to his or her whereabouts and activities,. “Not knowing exactly what your partner is up to all the time can create significant anxiety and insecurities in people,” she explains, “so if you want your long-distance relationship to survive, you need to learn to fully trust each other or it's simply not going to work.” Grant each other the freedom to live your lives separate from each other and resist the temptation to vocalize jealousy and suspicions, become overprotective, or accusatory of the other. “This type of behavior will only breed contempt—aside from making you sound neurotic and unattractive,” Lorraine says.

Anything sound familiar??