[sabrewolfe]

Thanks Gemini, I will take your advice. By the way, I would have rated your answer, but it won't let me for some reason, it says I have to spread some more reputation around. Thanks again for your support.

[itried]

I can't believe what a hard time some people are giving to the OP. He's come to this website to ask if anyone has had any similar experiences, and all he gets is pedantic responses designed to reprimand him for wondering how he can improve his situation.

No matter what anyone says, he does have to "handle" his girlfriend in a specific way if she does have any neuroses. I think that this is admirable because he is willing to change his behaviour in order to accommodate his partner because he obviously wants to be with her. The problem is that he just doesn't know how. This isn't an intellectual undertaking that a psychiatrist/psychologist has to deal with at work and then think about a little after a session, but a real life situation where two people are trying to have a relationship that is much deeper than a professional one and extends for longer than an hour on a couch. So it's irrelevant that he wants to make a "diagnosis". All he wants is some insight into her mental processes. ANY understanding of her and her personality will help him in the long run. Would it be any different if he wanted to know how to "handle" a cancer patient? Aren't a lot of psychological problems neurological or biological in nature, with the outward symptoms being expressed by way of personality?

My experience with this comes from my previous ex, who had an anxiety disorder and was constantly suffering from bouts of fainting and panic attacks and whom I persuaded to see a therapist (after a long time trying). In my situation I had to be perfect, or in other words I had to constantly act in ways that would re-assure her that I wasn't up to anything like cheating or wasn't going to do things similar to what other people had done to her or whatever, much like you do. I also tried to make a diagnosis of her as well and it turns out that everything I thought was correct. Even still, it was exhausting for me to live like this but I never complained because I loved her and my "diagnosis" was made only in the attempt to understand her so that I could try to be what she needed because if she has any neuroses, these afflictions will make her life that much harder to live and I didn't want to exacerbate them. If you want to deal with the restrictions imposed on you by her then that is your issue to deal with.

The only advice I can give is that you should research what you think she has and use this information as it will help you to understand her mental state all the better and in turn understand how to "handle" her. You know this woman and nobody on this site can tell you any different. I know where you're coming from. Keep it up.

[Wondergirl]

I can't believe what a hard time some people are giving to the OP. He's come to this website to ask if anyone has had any similar experiences, and all he gets is pedantic responses designed to reprimand him for wondering how he can improve his situation.

He posted elsewhere in great detail. I was going by that, what he hasn't said here. And I still don't believe it's a good idea to diagnose a SO. It's usually the pot calling the kettle black.

[itried]

He posted elsewhere in great detail. I was going by that, what he hasn't said here. And I still don't believe it's a good idea to diagnose a SO. It's usually the pot calling the kettle black.

Sure, I can give you that. I haven't read any post but this. Even still, if she does have some sort of psychological issue, I don't recall him ever saying that he told her that he was going to diagnose her. I think he's just trying to sum up the extent of his experiences with her in his own head. If that's a diagnosis, then so be it. Don't we all do the same thing when we are trying to understand why our partners are the way they are sometimes? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that OP never in fact used the word "diagnosis", but was instead told that what he was doing was tantamount to diagnosing his SO. That's where this whole post kind of spiralled in another direction.

[pathisfer]

I agree, the post got off track but I think he got some useful info out of it. His original question was just asking for other people's experiences with personality disorders.

[Nestorian]

Sure, I can give you that. I haven't read any post but this. Even still, if she does have some sort of psychological issue, I don't recall him ever saying that he told her that he was going to diagnose her. I think he's just trying to sum up the extent of his experiences with her in his own head. If that's a diagnosis, then so be it. Don't we all do the same thing when we are trying to understand why our partners are the way they are sometimes? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that OP never in fact used the word "diagnosis", but was instead told that what he was doing was tantamount to diagnosing his SO. That's where this whole post kinda spiralled in another direction.

What was said was a warning, nothing more nothing less. It's up to the OP to decide what to do with the info given to him.
It's not important any more either way. He has info to go by and has no doubt, gone to "figure her out", so as to know how to behave with her and react with her.

I will add one last warning: Changing for some one else is often illadvised, for the person may not recipricate the favor.

"wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."- Nestorian.

I'm sure they will be fine.

Peace and kindness be with you.

[sabrewolfe]

Nestorian, Im not looking to change for anyone, just want to know how to deal with and understand these behaviours from the woman I love more than anything. Sorry she isn't perfect, but I doubt she is evil. There is something wrong, and until she is properly diagnosed and treated, I need all the information I can get.

[itried]

What was said was a warning, nothing more nothing less. It's up to the OP to decide what to do with the info given to him.
It's not important any more either way. He has info to go by and has no doubt, gone to "figure her out", so as to know how to behave with her and react with her.

I will add one last warning: Changing for some one else is often illadvised, for the person may not recipricate the favor.

"wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."- Nestorian.

I'm sure they will be fine.

Peace and kindness be with you.

The info that he was given, in some cases, didn't even apply to his question. It was just people spouting off about the "dangers of making a diagnosis". He's just looking for people to share experiences that may be similar to his. This is all he wants, so this is all that has any value to him.

I don't think he's wanting to change who he is fundamentally for his SO. I think he's just trying to gain some knowledge so he can exercise some control over his situation; modify his behaviour for his and her good. Only those who have actually been involved with people who are afflicted by PD's really know what he's going through. That may be why we spared him the lectures.

[itried]

It's also important to note that when you are involved in a relationship with a person who may have a personality disorder, and they then begin seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist, part of their treatment may include being medicated. Since these pharmacological agents are designed to affect their behaviour in some way, they can change into a completely different person when under the influence of these agents. They may begin to think differently, about themselves, life and possibly even you. So you should take note that she may feel differently about being in a relationship with you while she is on medication, if it ever comes to that. I read an interesting article about women, and how their preferences for men change when they are on or off birth control drugs (though they themselves were not aware that they had changed) and this really illuminated me in regards to my ex's behaviour when she was medicated. Look it up, I'm sure you can extend the results to any variety of drugs, whether they be psychoactive or not.

[sabrewolfe]

Thanks itried, I do believe my girlfriend is very much in love with me, she never hesitates to tell me so, or even show she does in many ways. The thought of her re-thinking our relationship while engaged in therapy and/or medication has crossed my mind, but, in any case, what is best for her is my primary concern. As I said, I do love her with all my heart whether she decides she does likewise or not if she gets treatment. Her well-being and happiness are much more important to me than holding on to a relationship with her knowing she needs help and not doing anything about it. I really do think though that our relationship will only be stronger for it. But thank you, that is a very good point to consider.

[itried]

He handed over his email password to her, avoided being with certain friends she doesn't like, called her when he was told to, was told he can no longer go to someone's house, said he was tired of her "drilling" him. What don't I understand? The best thing he can do is learn how to set boundaries and stick to them. That's my experience with relatives, friends, and clients who have been diagnosed with a PD.

I never said that you don't understand anything.

Once again, he's not asking about what he can do in order to make his SO respect his boundaries or whatever. He's asking us to share similar experiences!
So, the best thing, the only thing that WE, the members of this site can do is: Share similar experiences!

How he should decide to handle the relationship hasn't even been asked of us. If I didn't have anything to share, I wouldn't have posted on this thread. It's not my place to make inferences or to speculate on what people need to do. I can only give what is asked of me, nothing more. And how he should conduct himself in order to make his relationship successful in our eyes has not been asked of us.

[Nestorian]

The info that he was given, in some cases, didn't even apply to his question. It was just people spouting off about the "dangers of making a diagnosis". He's just looking for people to share experiences that may be similar to his. This is all he wants, so this is all that has any value to him.

I don't think he's wanting to change who he is fundamentally for his SO. I think he's just trying to gain some knowledge so he can exercise some control over his situation; modify his behaviour for his and her good. Only those who have actually been involved with people who are afflicted by PD's really know what he's going through. That may be why we spared him the lectures.

Is that so? (This I am asking sincerely.)

May peace and kindness be with you.

[sabrewolfe]

Is that so? (This I am asking sincerly.)

May peace and kindness be with you.

Yes, that is so.

[itried]

Thanks itried, I do believe my girlfriend is very much in love with me, she never hesitates to tell me so, or even show she does in many ways. The thought of her re-thinking our relationship while engaged in therapy and/or medication has crossed my mind, but, in any case, what is best for her is my primary concern. As I said, I do love her with all my heart whether she decides she does likewise or not if she gets treatment. Her well-being and happiness are much more important to me than holding on to a relationship with her knowing she needs help and not doing anything about it. I really do think though that our relationship will only be stronger for it. But thank you, that is a very good point to consider.

I'm not in a position to say if she does or doesn't have issues which can be sorted out by therapy or whatever. One thing I did learn from my last ex was this: You can't make someone else happy. They are responsible for that themselves. Still, you can facilitate it, which it seems like you are doing.

How she goes about it after therapy is none of your concern. She may want to start all over again once she's "cured". Whether that re-start will include you is anyone's guess. The important thing to consider is that you are willing to sacrifice her (i.e. potentially not being with her after therapy) for her best interests. That may sound kind of strange. I hope you understand what I'm saying.

My ex went the therapy route. She would tell me that a lot of the stuff I came up with in my "diagnosis" of her was dead-on correct and that she was glad that she was going through with it. Therapy is a gradual process and usually it's the patient who comes to have these epiphanies on their own (prodded along by a good therapist, though) However, once she was done with the loading phase of her medication, and it was circulating in her system, I noticed profound changes in her. I had a feeling I would lose her but I was happy that she was getting help with her issues, and believe me, they were ISSUES! In the end, she wanted a clean slate, so she left. I don't regret any of it because I know she knows that I was there for her. I "handled" her at her worst so that some other guy could "be" with her at her best. She used to contemplate suicide and I tried to find as much info as I could to make my "diagnosis" so that I could be there for her. That's life. But in the end, now that I've been through this experience in life, I could never go through with it again.

[sabrewolfe]

Hey itried, Im sorry to hear that, and that exactly has crossed my mind, that I would help get her through it and she would end up with someone else afterwards. But, she would still be the mother of my youngest, and at least would be a benefit to him. If we do end up apart, I agree, I wouldn't want to go through it again with anyone else, that's for sure!
But when you were with her, were there any ritualistic things that you found yourself doing to either prevent her behaviour or things you wouldn't normally do? I don't mean as far as giving her your email password or anything, that was fine with me, that was just sharing something as I would in any relationship. Did she accuse you of cheating or did she act very insecure in your relationship without good reason?

[Nestorian]

Nestorian, Im not looking to change for anyone, just want to know how to deal with and understand these behaviours from the woman I love more than anything. Sorry she isn't perfect, but I doubt she is evil. There is something wrong, and until she is properly diagnosed and treated, I need all the information I can get.

I never said she was evil, nor did I say anything about perfect, nor do you have to answer to me?? :confused: (I think you need to not take the answers so personal.)

To deal with something like this requires you to change, other wise why'd you ask your question on this site? Do you know it's a Personality disorder? We don't even know what her behaviours are? What if it's something else? Mental health has a wide spectrum, and very interconnected symptoms. It is hard to figure out what one has even for professionals, which is what it seems that so many do not like them, as the professionals make mistakes too. It seems that every one expects that they just fix a person, that would be nice but that's not how it works, it's a trial and error process.

I am not saying what you are doing is "wrong", and if I did, disregard it and listen to me now. This is "unwise", it is too risky, and open to dangerous consequences. Like I said, you missed my point. Please do not be so quick to assume that I think you are anything but what you are, a man wanting to help his wife, and is willing to give any thing to do so; which is exactly why I'm warning you against it. For both your sake.

If not gaining information to diagnose her then why? "Diagnosis: The act or process of finding out what disease a person or animal has by examination and careful study of the symptoms... 2a careful study of the facts about something to find out it's essential features, faults, etc..."- Gage Canadian Dictionary So you are just going to look at this stuff and what? Because none of it is of use to you unless you believe she has one or another disorder. Does that make sense, I tend to loose people in my logic. Haha, :rolleyes:Heck I get lost in it. Any way, now you know that the fact that you are looking for answers to use to help cope with her, you need to decide at some point she heas this or that. I realise you may not really know it for sure, and eventually will some how get her into a professional, but again I will remind you the list I wrote above is not just a bunch of gibberish. It has wisdom within, but you have to be willing to listen.

Also, in cognitive Psychlogy, there are many types of theropy. One I found interesting was, learning to beaware of "self talk". This book teaches agreat deal about why our thoughts are negative. I won't tell you what you seem to be showing signs of, but even if your girl doesn't want to go to the conseler, that's not to say you can't?

May peace and kindness be with you.

P.S. In my experience, every one has some kind of psychological difficency.

[itried]

I was with my ex for 6 years and we broke up in September of 08. Those 6 years were very trying for me, but only in retrospect, because while I was going through them I was there willingly, knowing full well what was on the horizon. But just like you, I didn't mind because I loved her.

She was very insecure and I found myself always having to defend myself for the actions of people like my friends, my brother, etc. What I mean is that she would attribute the thoughts and actions of other people to me. So, if someone made a comment that upset her, I would take the blame for it. Just a sympton that stemmed from her trust issues and lack of confidence her past had stripped her of. She would always wonder if I was cheating on her and stuff like that, but I never did or would and it drove me crazy because I could never prove myself to her no matter how hard I tried to. The one thing that I took from this was that I had to be PERFECT! Not necessarily the type of perfect that most women would agree is perfect (or close to). But a special type of perfect that was fitting of her needs (I'm sure you know what I mean by that). This is why I understand your need to make a "diagnosis". Like someone mentioned earlier, it was draining! But like my name implies, I tried. I tried my a-- off!

[itried]

P.S. In my experience, every one has some kind of psychological difficency.

While it may be true that everyone has some sort of psychological deficiency; it should be noted that they can and are at many times measured on a spectrum/continuum, so that there are mild cases which don't necessarily affect cognitive function and extreme cases which do and all those somewhere in between. It is these people who have deficiencies that affect their ability to function "normally" that most case studies in psychology, and hence their theories, etc are based on. So really, how informed can psychologists be. Most of their insights into peoples personalities and why they do what they do stem from studies of "neurotic" people. Not trying to discount psychology/psychologists, after all I did minor in it in university. I'm just saying. Something to think about.

[sabrewolfe]

Nestorian, I really think you are missing my concept of starting this thread.
Do you have any personal experience in dealing with someone who has a personality disorder while in a relationship with that person?

[sabrewolfe]

Now I can completely understand your name, in another year I might have to change mine to "itried 2"! Yeah, I also understand having to be "special perfect". I think there is a name Sigmuend Freud gave to that. But anyway, was there something in her past that triggered her insecurity with you?