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Cmhasty · Apr 26, 2009, 04:01 PM

OK so this is my first post and I'm really hurting over this, and it is all on me. I love this girl more than anything in the world, we dated for 2.5 years but I have been a terrible boyfriend. I have never done a good job showing her I care about her all the time I only seem to really try when we break up which ahs happened about 5 times. I have cheated on her twice she took my back I swore I would change and I did but only for a month or two then I went back to not showing her I care and not hanging out with her always making excuses why I can't. She feels like she still has trust issues but the worst is I haven't shown her I love her, she know si do though but I don't show it unless I mess up. She doesn't believe I will change because I haven't proved that to her. About 2 weeks ago she broke up with me and said it was for good, she seems totally fine and says she just wants to be friends and wants to date other people. So all of last week we still talked and even hung out 3 times. I made sure I didn't act like I was trying to get her back and she even let me sleep in her bed after an awsome day and the amusement park and she even invited me in to watch a movie. We didn't mess around at all, but I did try to kiss her and she backed away, I said I was sorry that was wrong. She started to text me more on her own and always called to say goodnight and we talked and texted during the day. It became less of the one word texts and she started making an effort to text me more and longer texts. I got my hopes up then 3 days ago after we went to watch my mom play soccer she took me back to my house and I foolishly asked her to talk about our relationship and said I still wasn't sure what was going on. She didn't want to talk about it and I starting pulling that desperate I love you I will change this time.. . Bad idea I know now. She said I thought you understood and said she definatley wants to date other people, I asked her if there was a chance we would get back together, she said she doesn't have any desire to and is numb to everything I say and that we most likley wouldn't get back together but doesn't want to say no because there is always a small chance. I then got so supset that I said we shouldn't talk for a while she said she understands. The next day (yesterday) I called her in the morning and told her I was just stressed out and did want to be friends and she said she didn't know if I could handle that, and that we can't cuddle anymore and needed to act like just friends. She is now back to just texting short phrases and taking long periods to respond. I feel like I was making progress and she was starting to come to me like there might be a chance. She enver ignores my texts or calls and will always call back or text back. But she is very hestitant about hanging out and someties ignores those texts asking her to hang out. What do I do now? If I give her space and don't call or text I feel like she won't think I care about her but I don't want to be to pushy. I'm not sure if its to late but I don't want to give up. She still loves me and I know she cares about me, but I don't know if I have done too much damage. She has a huge wall up and doesn't believe I have it in me to change and even says she doesn't care if I do she still wants to date other guys because there has to be something better out there than the way I treated her, I know I can and am taking those steps to show her. I just want to know if there is even a chance?

friend4u178 · Apr 26, 2009, 04:08 PM

Sounds to me like she's had enough after giving you so many chances. Leave her alone and start working on improving yourself rather than just saying you will change.

That's if your really sincere about changing , actions speak louder than words.

Cmhasty · Apr 26, 2009, 04:09 PM

Also, why is she OK with just being friends its only been 2 weeks? She says she loves my personality and wants me in her life I know she wanted it to work out so badly but she just gave up because she couldn't take the dissapointment anymore.. . Which I understand why.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2009, 04:10 PM

Friend, read the stickies in my signature and learn about NO CONTACT.

StNerevar · Apr 26, 2009, 04:17 PM

You should definitely listen to tal about the no contact. It helps. It hurts at first and you get ancy, but it helps in the long run. There is always a chance that you could get back together, but why would you? You've already done that too many times, and it's probably going to end the same way if you do again. Two weeks isn't long enough for you to change, you're just desperate. I would suggest that you do no contact and try to move on. You're just making it harder on yourself.

Romefalls19 · Apr 26, 2009, 04:17 PM

She gave you enough chances to change your ways, in my book, 2 more chances than you deserved to be honest. She got tired of being treated like a piece of sh*t stuck on your shoe and is going to find herself and someone that will treat her like a princess.

My advice, leave her alone, read the stickies and try staying away from women when you're in a relationship

Cmhasty · Apr 26, 2009, 04:34 PM

I know she gave me a lot of chances and she feels like its pointless, but if in a few months she saw I was follwing through I wonder if she would think about it again, she even told me maybe in a couple years but don't count on it. I know I need to try and get over her but I just love talking to her and she isn't even mad at me at all she likes to talk to me as well. I just won't want to stop talking to her if there is a chance she will want me back. (last time we broke up she said similar things about not wanting me back for at least a year and we were back together ina about a month)

Alty · Apr 26, 2009, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by Cmhasty

I know she gave me alot of chances and she feels like its pointless, but if in a few months she saw i was follwing through i wonder if she would think about it agian, she even told me maybe in a couple years but don't count on it. i know i need to try and get over her but i just love talking to her and she isn't even mad at me at all she likes to talk to me as well. i just won't wana stop talking to her if there is a chance she will want me back. (last time we broke up she said similiar things about not wanting me back for at least a year and we were back together ina about a month)

It's over, you just haven't figured it out yet.

She's in the "friend" zone and you're in the "I can get her back" zone.

No contact really is the best for you, if you continue doing what you're doing she's going to enforce no contact before too long.

I've been there done that. I tried being friends with an ex shortly after we broke up, he couldn't get it through his thick skull that it was over, done with, in the past and that all I was offering was friendship.

He'd call and ask to go out to dinner as friends and then he'd act like we were still together. It took a few months before I realized that there was never going to be "just friendship" between the two of us because he wouldn't stop trying to win me back.

For your own good go to no contact because sweetie, she's not coming back.

Romefalls19 · Apr 26, 2009, 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by Cmhasty

I know she gave me alot of chances and she feels like its pointless, but if in a few months she saw i was follwing through i wonder if she would think about it agian, she even told me maybe in a couple years but don't count on it. i know i need to try and get over her but i just love talking to her and she isn't even mad at me at all she likes to talk to me as well. i just won't wana stop talking to her if there is a chance she will want me back. (last time we broke up she said similiar things about not wanting me back for at least a year and we were back together ina about a month)

I used to wonder the same thing about my ex. I went to therapy to repair my problems with my jealousy and insecurity, and while I don't have them all figured out, I am feeling a lot better. My ex did end up coming back and I told her to piss off, if she couldn't stand by my when I needed her too, why should we take them back when we are better? Since then, I have met a wonderful lady, who understands my insecurities and does what she can to help ease those. You will find someone else, but for now focus on yourself.

Cmhasty · Apr 26, 2009, 07:01 PM

So its 9 p.m. I haven't texted her since she texted me at 3 p.m. asking me if she should tip a person when picking up carry out. She just called me and we talked about nothing in particular for 30 min, why she bothered to tell me she is sleeping naked tonight because its so hot, I don't know.. . It definatley had that just friends feel to it. Why would she call me? I'm just confused. I understand if I need to let her go but I wonder somehow if she is not ready to let me completley go.. . I know I shouldn't be thinking about this and I need to figure myself out but it just messes with my head.

talaniman · Apr 26, 2009, 09:00 PM

That was the whole point of the conversation, to mess with your head. That's why No Contact would do wonders for you, but since you rather listen to her sleep wear, stay confused.

Cmhasty · Apr 27, 2009, 07:08 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

That was the whole point of the conversation, to mess with your head. Thats why No Contact would do wonders for you, but since you rather listen to her sleep wear, stay confused.

I understand that no contact would be better but I can't convince myself to do it because I can't stop thinking about what if.. . I also know trying to raed into things she says isn't helping either but again, I can't help it I just do it without realizing. The way she acts doesn't support just wanting to be friends it supports someone who loves and cares about me but is way to scared and doesn't have any faith that I will change.

Romefalls19 · Apr 27, 2009, 07:10 AM

She wants you to be available if nothing else pans out, but sure enough if she finds someone else, you will become a psycho ex who keeps texting and calling her. You need to cut ties with her and quick.

talaniman · Apr 27, 2009, 07:34 AM

I can't help it I just do it without realizing.

Then let me be blunt, your excuse doesn't work for children, why do you think it will work for you?

You can help yourself, you just don't want to, or don't know how. That's what No Contact is about. It gives you a chance to heal, so you can think. It requires you to get busy and work on you without her influence.

What choice will you make for yourself? Misery or dignity??

Cmhasty · Apr 27, 2009, 07:46 AM

IF I initiate no contact, I don't want her to think I don't care about her and love her. I am also concerned that my friends won't be their for me to keep my mind off her and I have never talked to my mother of father about this kind of stuff. I know this is getting no where and talking to her only makes it worse at the moment. I wouldn't know what to tell her if I did do no conctact, would I tell her how I feel about her but that we can't talk?

Romefalls19 · Apr 27, 2009, 07:49 AM

You don't tell her anything, this is about YOU, not her. She broke up with you, now you need to take are of yourself. Go join a gym, it's a great outlet for this type of stuff. You need to get hobbies and surround yourself with positive things. Several times I went fishing, by myself and no cell phone on the boat, just to be alone with myself and think about things. In that time I wrote a list of what I wanted out of my next relationship and certain things that I wouldn't settle on. It sounds selfish, but it helped me a lot.

talaniman · Apr 27, 2009, 11:53 AM

IF I initiate no contact, I don't want her to think I don't care about her and love her.

She knew that when she broke up with you. Now all that matters is how you handle it, and the whole point is to put yourself first, and help yourself, not keep feeding her ego, at the cost of your own.

If you cared about yourself as much as you say you cared about her, you would be doing the right thing for YOURSELF.

Follow the plan that Rome has laid out for you. It works. Your way won't.

Alty · Apr 27, 2009, 12:13 PM

Had to spread the love boys but right on, couldn't have said it better, won't even try. :)

liz28 · Apr 27, 2009, 01:11 PM

You won't be able to move on if you don't let go. Part of life is learning from your mistakes and you admitted to many mistakes.

When your with someone and really love that person don't cheat on them or take them for granted. Then realize what you had once it's gone.

What does love for you means? Because obivious this wasn't what you wanted before.

As a woman, if I was her, I wouldn't be talking to you anymore after the hell you cause. But maybe she has other plans and that is to messed around you but in the end you get what you deserve especially since your sticking around being her friends for all the wrong reasons.

If you want some sanity in your life and want to heal then accept that it is over and let her go. Regardless if she wants to be your friend. Your both are being friends with each other for the wrong reasons.

Cmhasty · Apr 27, 2009, 06:14 PM

Well you know what I appreciate everyone's input and advice and I know it is a way to heal from this. But I know that I do love her despite what you guys think, I know I have some issues and am starting to deal with them. She is not being friends to with me she is not like that. And I know if you love someone enough you will stick with them through anything, I think that she is hurt, confused and does want to date other people but her heart doesn't wan't to do that. I do not mean to take her for granted I think I do have problems letting people know I care for them, she is the only person I have ever done that with. I am going to get counseling to see if I can open myself up. Even if you guys are right and this doesn't work I know that I tried and that I will benefit form it for the future. Again I really appreciate everyone responding so quickly and with so much information. Im just not ready to give up hope, and I know that I very well might get hurt over this and if you think I deserve it that's fine, maybe I do. But I know she loves me and I love her.