[nicolas1975]

Hey all,

Just thought I should let some people know what my problem is, otherwise I'm going to get crazy! Briefly, I'll tell you that I was engaged to this pretty lady, met 5 years ago, proposed 1 year ago, throughout these 5 years we were REALLY in love. I say "really", because actually we shared the same dreams, we had NO friends (both sides), the only person each had was the other one, etc etc.. Not to mention she was totally in love with me, calling me every 5 minutes just to say she loves me.. Of course I did the same, she was EVERYTHING to me, seriously..

And then, last year, suddenly an opportunity arose in my career, where I had to leave my country (in Europe) and stay in China for 2 years.. We discussed it thoroughly, she agreed that she would happily come stay with me for as long as the project would last..

Sadly enough, 45 days ago her father suddenly passed away.. She was shocked, devastated, and we catched the very first flight (both of us) back to our home country.. I stayed for 2 weeks, she told she had to stay longer (& of course I agreed)..

And then, suddenly, she became a very different person, I couldn't understand her reactions.. I have to admit that I DID pressure her (slightly, very politely) telling her that someday she would have to come back to our home in China.. And I think I was right, I think we had an engagement, she was my fiancée, I was her family, we should go on with our lives.. I just couldn't accept the fact that she wanted to stay 3-4 months with her "other" family.. Am I right? I'm sure I am, engagement means that you have a new family, there are obligations to met..

During the last days that we were apart, we had some fights, 'cause I could see that she was no more interested in our relationship, she wouldn't answer my phone calls (she'd never do this in the past, she would ALWAYS run to her phone to pick it up when I'd call her), etc..

Also, I need to mention this is not the first time we were apart, in fact during the first 2 years of our relationship we lived apart, I was in another country for University purposes, she was in her home country, etc.. So we were kind of "experienced" in having a relationship being apart from each other.. And, as far as I can remember, back in these days she would be crazy about me, calling me every 5 minutes, and I would do the same thing..

Finally, we had a fight yesterday, 'cause I called her on her mobile, and she was really unpolite to me, and I asked her to show some respect to her husband.. We then broke up..!

Since yesterday, I have been calling her, trying to tell her how foolish I was for not being patient for her loss of her father, but she seems rather reluctant to get back to our relationship.. And that being said, I did something I don't know whether it was right or wrong: I called her, she didn't pick it up, and then I sent her an SMS telling her I had to visit the hospital 'cause I wasn't felling good..

I have returned from the hospital, and until now she hasn't even called to ask if I'm OK!! Isn't this really sad? I was her very loving "husband" once, have been very good to her, and now she doesn't even call to check if I'm OK? She doesn't really love any more, huh?

But my question is, WHY?

[talaniman]

Because you acted like as selfish, immature, idiot, during her time of need.

The fact that you don't see that, is another issue you need to face. Leave her alone. She has seen your true colors.

[Justwantfair]

I am confused, are you engaged or married?

Why would you tell her to 'show some respect to her husband'?

You are demanding and controlling and you only appear to want to isolate her.

I think now that she has left the "safety" of being trapped under your thumb, she will not return.

Let her go. Love is not about control.

[JOX]

Hey!
Its not that you do not love her... Its just that you want her evrytime-to be close to her.. you just want that sahe should be with you every time... Well, there's nothing wrong with it... People do it quite often..
But, presently you have hurt her a lot... Firstly you shouldn't have forced ( even politely) to come with you once you had gone to see her dead father. Secondly, she didn't get what she wanted from you at that shocking, painful and trying time.. she wanted you to comfort her and console her in her pain.. You are both correct and wrong at this instant... Correct for your love and wrong for just thinking about your condition and comfort. You should have givenm her some time to be with her, memorize her past with her original family... and then by seeing your worthy love come to you agaoin with a lot of satisfaction because then she would have felt as if she had got the best husband in the world...
The fights about which you have mentioned have taken place not because your love is draining away but because of the disturbed state of mind of you both guys... she is sad upon the loss of her father and you are sad upon your own loss... and as far as that hospital thing is concerned, she didn't contact you because she knew that it was just to attract her to call you... Believe me, she still cares about you(if you people have really had a strong love bond between yourselves in the past), even though she didn't contact you, she may be thinking about you there only...

So, what you'v got to do know is just keep silence and give her some time to recover... call her after about a wweek or two... if she receives it OK, if not, then give her some more time... or you can just try to contact one of her trusted family member and convey your love for the girl to him... or you can send a letter or something of that sort so that you can keep her reminded of the days you've spent together...
When you call her, ask how's she.. whats she been up to... have a funny, enjoyable and playful talk.. SHow your love and grief too.. but very lesss else she'll again get irritated..

After all, the only thing you must keep in mind now is NOT TO LOSE YOUR HEART BY GETTING DEPRESSED or GET FRUSTAED AND AGAIN GET INTO A FIGHT WITH HER. Remember it has you who has caused the trouble(BITTER TRUTH, BUT TRUE!! ).
So, I think by now you must have understood what you've got to do...
Well, BEST OF LUCK to you!! I hope you get her back!!

[nicolas1975]

Hi there,

May I thank all of you guys for your responses.. Even if your answers were really strict against me, I appreciate it..

However I still can't understand what is wrong with requesting her to come back to our home in China again sometime in the future, it's not that we were just a couple, boyfriend + girlfriend.. We were engaged, doesn't this have any obligations?

[talaniman]

She also has an obligation to herself, to mourn, and heal, and you have an obligation to let her, and love and support her.

Its usually the hard times we go through, that define a relationship, and how well partners work through those hard times, together.

I would advise you to give her space, she does need it.

[Justwantfair]

You need to allow her the time and space to heal from the lost of her father.

Helping her to heal is being around her family that knows what she is going through and can remember him with her.

The expectation that you could be a time frame on how long she was "allowed" to mourn was not very supportive. You weren't acting like a partner, you were acting like your need for her to be there for you, didn't require her need for you to be there for her.

Let her go for now. She needs to work through all of this. I am sure she would have preferred your support, but you only offered her additional pressure. Now you have to do everything on her terms for your selfish ways.

[nicolas1975]

Hi talaniman,

Have been reading both of your answers over and over again.. I'm not selfish, I DO understand that I have been way too controlling over her, and I DO understand what mistakes I have made..

We just spoke over the phone a few minutes ago, she asked me if I could leave her alone for 2-3 days for her to think things through.. Do you think it would be appropriate to send her 1-2 (very short) emails just to tell her I'm sorry for my mistakes? Or just leave her alone?

It's just that I'm not used to such long periods of not having absolutely any communication with her.. 5 years now -even when we had the worse fight ever- we would speak again to each other in less than half a day.. there hasn't been 1 single day (over the last 5 years) that we haven't spoke to each other! I can't control it! It's just that I love her!

[talaniman]

I understand, but you have to cope and balance your own feelings with her needs in a partnership.

Yes an short email of apology is in order, but then give her what she asks. You can make it a few days, while she handles her business.

Sample email-

Sorry I acted like a complete arsehole when you needed loving support. Take all the time you need

Love, your a'hole.*

*Don't take my twisted humor personally

[Justwantfair]

If you love her, leave her alone for the 2-3 days that she is requesting. Following the 2-3 days, have everything ready and written out of everything you want to apologize for, either email her following the three days or give her a call with the notes in front of you. It would be even better that you wait for her to make the next contact.

What you did was a selfish act. If you understand then you already know that. Now is the time to be unselfish and think of her wishes first. Hopefully it will show her that you were serious about understanding and not interferring when she asks you not to.

If it was a really wonderful five years, like you state, then she will overlook this and probably not give up on the five years that she has invested, if she can. You just have to be patient now.

[nicolas1975]

Hi both of you guys,

Thanks for your answers.. talaniman I didn't take your humor personally, you just made me laugh because you were right..

Last question: one way or another, shouldn't she (someday) decide to come back to our home? I'll let her decide herself when is the right time for her to leave her parent's house, but shouldn't she? I can't stay 1 year in China all by myself, I need her to be with me! Even if she comes in 3-4 months!

[Justwantfair]

I think you should have been thinking that all along. Instead of telling her it had to be right now. You can't force someone to do what it is you want. If you have a strong foundation then the hard times can be easier to make joint decisions. You just have to be understanding to both sides, as does she.

[talaniman]

Take this as an opportunity to miss each other. It will be that much sweeter when you do get back together. She will appreciate your sacrifice the rest of her life. You have to trust me on that. It's a wait and see situation, that you must deal with.

I refer you to the part of the post that you wrote that neither of you has any friends. Maybe that needs to change, for the balance, and just to have something else to do at times like this.

We had NO friends (both sides), the only person each had was the other one, etc etc..

Again, an opportunity to get better personally. Total dependence is rather unhealthy.

[Milenia]

Hello,
I think your girlfriend, fiancé maybe has another problem. Maybe she blame herself for leaving her original family, maybe her mom needs her help. Ask her if somebody from her family needs something. You only focus on what you want and you want her back, that is only thing you are saying. If you can go back and spend time with her family, with her mom brothers or sisters you are going to get the picture and let her family knows you better. She is a dear person to her mom. And another thing you are not married to her. Some families will hate the situation that you live together and not married yet. Get close to her family show them you love her. Are you from the same country as her? If you are not learn about the traditions in the country?

[taoplr]

...And I think I was right, I think we had an engagement, she was my fiancee, I was her family, we should go on with our lives.. I just couldn't accept the fact that she wanted to stay 3-4 months with her "other" family.. Am I right? I'm sure I am, engagement means that you have a new family, there are obligations to met..

I believe that your fatal error was to treat her family of origin as the "other" family. In presuming that because you were engaged, her loyalty belonged first to you, you wedged yourself between her and her mother, her other relatives, and perhaps her respect for her deceased father during a time of mourning.

If you truly want her, consider going to visit her and her family, paying homage to her father's memory and to the family in general, charming her mother (always a good thing to do) and expressing your regret and apologies for having offended her.

If you decide to do something like this, expect nothing. She will owe you nothing; but with respect in your heart and in your actions, and the humility of admitting your mistake, you might have a chance to reignite the flame between you. That assumes you agree that you made this mistake.

[nicolas1975]

Ok, sorry but even if I made the biggest mistakes I could possibly make, shouldn't she forgive me? I thought people that love each other CAN forgive, only because of the true love that bonds them.. And to be honest, it wasn't SUCH a big mistake, I just forced her to come to China.. It's not that I cheated on her or something (? )

I'm so devastated to see her so stubborn to break up with me! We're just juman beings, we have the right to make mistakes every once in a while! She'd always swear that I was the person she'd want to spend the rest of her life with!

[nicolas1975]

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention: I've called her SO many times telling her that I admit my mistake, how sorry I feel, and I really meant it.. It's not that it went something like "hey, look i'm sorry, are u ok? ok bye".. I really showed her how much I regret my mistake! What the hell, shouldn't she forgive after all this?

[talaniman]

Your action do not show love, and care, and you presume, and assume far too much. That's selfish, just because you ignore her feelings, and side of things.

Females are not object to be told what to do, and until you see your mistakes, and are truly sorry, through actions and words, she will resent you, and rightly so.

[nicolas1975]

What do you think, should I continue getting humiliated in order to get her back, or should I leave her decide alone?

Do you think it's worth getting her back by getting humiliated & telling her how much I want her back? Is too late for me to keep trying? Coz actually yesterday I think I got humiliated by my reactions, I was saying how much I'd want her back, but she kept saying "i dunno, let me decide, i have to think things through, dunno if I can forgive you".. What the hell! Somedays ago she was so in love with me! Should I keep trying?

[taoplr]

Ok, sorry but even if I made the biggest mistakes I could possibly make, shouldn't she forgive me? I thought people that love each other CAN forgive, only because of the true love that bonds them.. And to be honest, it wasn't SUCH a big mistake, I just forced her to come to China.. It's not that I cheated on her or something (?!)

I'm so devastated to see her so stubborn to break up with me!! We're just juman beings, we have the right to make mistakes every once in a while!! She'd always swear that I was the person she'd want to spend the rest of her life with!!

And

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention: I've called her SO many times telling her that I admit my mistake, how sorry I feel, and I really meant it.. It's not that it went something like "hey, look i'm sorry, are u ok? ok bye" .. I really showed her how much I regret my mistake! What the hell, shouldn't she forgive after all this?

In all cases, the apology has to match the offense. As long as you think you are right and she has "NO reason" to break it off, your apologies are empty. Your words reveal an attitude that discounts her state of heart/mind and demands that she forgive you. You expect it without knowing what you did and what it meant to her. Such a position is bound to fail.

Your offense is not that you forced her to go to China; it was that you tried to separate her from her family. Bad move.

Where are each of you from? How does culture play a role in this?