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Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 04:15 AM

I followed everyone's advice and spoke to him about everything even telling him that I don't trust him and I feel so much better besides feeling exhausted!

I brought up instances that I remember very clearly and his response was:-

Shocked! But, as its all of a sexual nature, he said that he felt sick and awful that I think of him this way and is devastated. He said its in my head, which I have not taken lightly, as I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and to be told that its in my head is devastating, as that means I'm sick. He swore on his family that it wasn't true and that I didn't see what I thought I saw. He blatantly sat there and said that what I saw didn't happen.

The problem is now I am starting to doubt myself. I know that I don't trust my instincts and I know I have a trust issue in the first place, but I am not blind. Is the sky blue?

I feel so exhausted! How do I get it out of him, as I don't think he is ever going to tell me.

What do I do? I'm not sure how I feel.

I forgot to mention that I have told him I am going home for a few weeks to think about everything, do you think this is right?

He asked if I was coming back- I said yes, I can't just walk away from everything!

chuff · Sep 21, 2006, 05:34 AM

I think it's a great idea for you to go home for awhile. It sounds like you've overcome so much don't fall backwards because of one guy. Your life is to precious to waste on someone who gives you guilt trips.

talaniman · Sep 21, 2006, 05:48 AM

Take a long break and decide if you want someone who undermines your sanity and makes you doubt what your eyes see.

BIM · Sep 21, 2006, 07:04 AM

You have absolutely don the right thing! This man is trying to undermind you and you cannot let him do that. You need to stay strong and leave to take time and think. Hopefully you come to the conclusion that you deserve better than this! If he is willing to sit at stare you square in the face and lie... you don't want him in the first place!! :mad: If he is playing "footsie" right in front of you what is he doing when you are not there!! Also, what kind of friend would do that to you also? :confused: Why would she allow him to do that?

"Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again" (sounds corney) but so true.

He is the one that is going to lose in this situation. He will be losing you and everything you two have built together. He can have his "footsie friends" and the empty relationships that come with them. :o

Good luck and stay strong. ;)

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 07:46 AM

He keeps asking me if I am OK today and that he is worried about me, its making me feel guilty and questioning myself! I know what I have seen with my eye's. I have told him 6 times now! I can't believe that I am mad! I have even wandered if I could have imagined these things as a result from my past, but that can't be true, as I am a sane person... considering!

With the footsie thing, I even remember moving his leg and her reaction! I have been re-confirming things in my mind for a long time.

She's an old friend of his, they went to school together! Not mine thank goodness, as we have never got on.

Anyway,

kp2171 · Sep 21, 2006, 08:12 AM

I think you need the time and space.

And his denying what you clearly saw doesn't mean a thing. A cheater can act with the best of them. If he's been fooling around behind you, he's been acting all along anyway.

The only new thing id say is the hypocrite comment from his friend might mean something different. I assumed this was his calling her a hypocrite because she was probably fooling around with him, and then she was going to go out with you.

After hearing how you never got on, maybe she just talks smack about you and doesn't like you and was being two faced in his eyes.

I don't know.

I think if you saw what you saw, there's more there. Even if he's not with her, he crossed a line in front of you that I would not accept... and I've already told you I am pretty comfortable with my wife innocently flirting now and then.

Wildcat21 · Sep 21, 2006, 08:16 AM

YEP - cheaters are the best actors - look at Hollywood.

I agree - you need some time to yourself. This guy needs time to GROW UP!!

I believe he will tell you anythng right now - he doesn't respect you.

ilovcali · Sep 21, 2006, 08:26 AM

Yes, you did the right thing. I doubt all of the things you remember are in your head. Also, remember, your gut is usually right. Almost always. My ex did the same things. I don't think she cheated, but she did many things which were baffling. And when I pointed them out to her, she would say she never realized this stuff bothered me, or why it would. Then she would do it again. And again, and a again.

You've done all you can. If he is this uncompromising and has such a lack of understanding, then he is not right. Also, it is characteristic of these types of immature people to blame their partners for their own flaws. My ex did that too. On the day we broke-up she blamed me, when in fact the one at fault was staring her in the mirror.

Immature people never accept their faults. It's much easier to cast blame on others than really examine yourself.

You're already hurt, time to climb out of the hole rather than dig it deeper. Good luck.

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 08:38 AM

Thanks to you both,

Thanks, you have certainly hit the nail on the head the girl. It just seemed like they sat there and smirked in my face though. I felt so little.
I have been questioning my sight all day, but can back myself by remembering what else happened before and after. I have never had a problem with remembering things even if I am drunk.

He was looking sideways when he was swearing that it wasn't true.

He just sent me a text message saying that if I need to go home then go, but remember he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me! It's killing me! He could be acting like you and wildcat21 say to try and save things.?

Wildcat21 · Sep 21, 2006, 08:40 AM

Of course he is acting.

"He was looking sideways when he was swearing that it wasn't true." He didn't look you in the eye?? Bingo!

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Of course he is acting.

"He was looking sideways when he was swearing that it wasn't true." He didn't look you in the eye????????? Bingo!

He looked me in the eye at some stages, but kept looking sideways when he was gesturing sideways. He looked me in the eye this morning when he was asking me to stop crying.

This is really difficult

BIM · Sep 21, 2006, 09:00 AM

As Wildcat said "BINGO" he can't look you in the eye. Trait of a liar! :mad: He is trying to keep you hanging by a thread. He wants his cake and eat it too. He knows you have always been there even through his infidelities. He wants you to be there when he has nothing better to do or go to.

You need to quit questioning yourself. You saw what you saw. Get strong. Quit letting him walk on you. Quit letting him influence you. Need I go on... or better yet... need we all go on...

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by BIM

As Wildcat said "BINGO" he can't look you in the eye. Trait of a liar! :mad: He is trying to keep you hanging by a thread. He wants his cake and eat it too. He knows you have always been there even through his infidelities. He wants you to be there when he has nothing better to do or go to.

You need to quit questioning yourself. You saw what you saw. Get strong. Quit letting him walk on you. Quit letting him influence you. Need I go on.....or better yet....need we all go on....

No, you or anyone else doesn't have to go on, I'm sorry if I am annoying you!
Thanks for your words, but its so hard to just get strong!

BIM · Sep 21, 2006, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by Aussie

No, you or anyone else doesn't have to go on, I'm sorry if I am annoying you!
Thanks for your words, but its so hard to just get strong!

No you are not annoying anyone, we just hate to see someone getting hurt. ;) I have been in your shoes, and you need to get strong and it is VERY hard! I am divorced from a hibitual liar, and once you break from them, and heal, you can't even believe you delt with it as long as you did. You will be much more happy and content with you life once you make the break.

If you go home for a while, you WILL cry, hurt, hate, feel empty, feel hopeless and helpless, you will want to go back and make it all better and put up with his lies, but you WILL be back to square one in the future. Then you will be going through all of these feeling again. Why not start now, get though all of the grieving, and be done with it. As hard as it may sound and as hard as it WILL be. It will be hard, but will be worth it in the long run.

You love him, there is not doubt about that, but you deserve better and WILL get better if you want it.

Take Care ;)

Wildcat21 · Sep 21, 2006, 09:53 AM

It's hard to decide if some one is lying or not. I just see a lot of red flags.

You're not annoying us - we come here to learn and help.

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by BIM

No you are not annoying anyone, we just hate to see someone getting hurt. ;) I have been in your shoes, and you need to get strong and it is VERY hard!! I am divorced from a hibitual liar, and once you break from them, and heal, you can't even believe you delt with it as long as you did. You will be much more happy and content with you life once you make the break.

If you go home for a while, you WILL cry, hurt, hate, feel empty, feel hopeless and helpless, you will want to go back and make it all better and put up with his lies, but you WILL be back to square one in the future. Then you will be going through all of these feeling again. Why not start now, get though all of the grieving, and be done with it. As hard as it may sound and as hard as it WILL be. It will be hard, but will be worth it in the long run.

You love him, there is not doubt about that, but you deserve better and WILL get better if you want it.

Take Care ;)

Oh- thank you very much. Perhaps I misread your message. You are right, but I also have a lot to consider, so I have decided to go home for 3 weeks for now. I can't just walk away that easy, we also have a business together. I know that I saw these things, but he is doing a great job of telling me that he didn't. I also wander what else he has done!

We are supposed to be going away this weekend till next Tuesday. He will be home from work soon and I want to talk about it all tonight again and see what comes out if it.Nothing is going to change my mind though.

How did you find your strength?

BIM · Sep 21, 2006, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by Aussie

How did you find your strength?

That is a very good question? :rolleyes: I feel my strength came through my 3-month old son (at the time), prayer, and my mom. I am a spiritual person, but could be A LOT more!! I just asked for strength. My son, I suppose, got me through most of it. I would look at and hold him, and think that I didn't want him to be brought up in a household of lies & secrets. I couldn't believe a word my ex said. He lied about lies. That is no way to live.

I went home (like you) and stayed for 3 weeks (like you) waiting to see if my ex was going to want me back. He never called. I called him and waited... He didn't even ask to see his son. So I figured that if we don't mean anymore that this to him, I needed to go.

I left a job of 13 years, a new house we had just built, and a life that I had known for so long. I moved to the town my mom lived in, rented an apartment, went and got my things, found a job at $6.00 less an hour that what I was making, and survived just fine.

My son had an illness at the time, (that he has grown out of now) but his formula cost 1150.00 monthly. So not only was I going through a divorce and raising a 3-month old, and trying to get help with the formula, but trying to stay sain.

Your strength comes from within... I feel a person has to reach a point (bottom-for a lack of a better word) that they just can't take it any more and want more in their life.

Maybe you are there, maybe you're not. It's up to you. If you are not at that point yet, you will go back until you cannot take it another day. And either he will change and you will want to stay or you will finally decide to leave for good.

You will find your strength someday-whether it be through prayer, family, friends, or YOU.

I hope you find it soon - for YOUR happiness and innerpeace. :o

Wildcat21 · Sep 21, 2006, 10:56 AM

GREAT POST BIM!! Love it!! So true!! Lifes battles!!

BIM · Sep 21, 2006, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

GREAT POST BIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it!!!! So true!!! Lifes battles!!!!

Thank You! Comes from the heart. Nine years ago--seems like yesterday. But still sort of cleansing to talk about -- lets other people know they're not alone out there. :o

Skell · Sep 21, 2006, 04:29 PM

Dotn let his lies manipulate you anymore. What you saw happened. Don't look for excuses to make him right. Don't second guess yourself.
He is a liar. That's all there is to it. He is worried that he has lost you. He knows he is guilty. If he wasn't guilty he wouldn't be so worried.
He will try and manipulate you and lie some more to get you back to him. Take your time. Walk away. Stay away. Don't let him push you and force you to do anything. You are doing the right thing!