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88sunflower · Apr 22, 2009, 10:06 AM

Well I think he is hiding it out of shame. Seeing the pain it causes why would he keep doing it? I guess going through it myself and having a friend recently divorced because of it, I tend to look at porn differantly. It hurts the other party. Its hard to compare reality to those false images that may never leave his mind. I don't think she should leave him, but I do think she should put it on the line to stop or else counseling or something. Porn addiction is out there and real.

JustHisGirl · Apr 22, 2009, 11:11 AM

He knows he's addicted and he knows its wrong. That's why he's willing to stop.. he just had setbacks and I forgave him for those. Its just the most recent one really got to me. My body is nothing like those girls that turned him on that day. And it scares me that that is what he wants. Anyway, I know this may sound impossible to some of you guys and your going to tell me its not possible, but my boyfriend promised me that when he masturbated I was the only one on his mind. And I do trust thim. Because if he promises me something and goes against it, he tells me as soon as he can. We just have that kind of relationship. We are 100% open and honest with each other. He said when we are having sex sometimes those images pop into his head. That bothers me too. Although he's not using those images to turn him on... I just hate that they are there...

talaniman · Apr 22, 2009, 11:11 AM

Addiction is very real, and all you can do is protect yourself from the addict, and his behavior, because of that addiction, be it porn, or heroin, gambling, or video games. But first better to be realistic as to your approach, as the addict is the one who must change, and to do that he has to recognize it as a problem.

In that case you better be darned sure what your objections are based on, his behavior, or just your own feelings.

Only then can you make a decision on how to deal with this, in a reasonable manner, and decide if its worth a war or not.

Generally the addiction is only a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed, not the root cause of it.

You can stop the behavior, but not solve the real problem, that has caused the behavior. That's where the focus should be directed.

88sunflower agrees: I agree with you. But how many addicts admit to being an addict??

The ones who get tired of suffering, and want to change.

JustHisGirl · Apr 22, 2009, 11:12 AM

He actually talked to his counselor about him. And he told my boyfriend not to worry about it that it was completely natrual. Instead of trying to help him stop... that kind of annoyed me.

88sunflower · Apr 22, 2009, 11:32 AM

We had a counselor back then do that to me also. He made me feel foolish for being there and making an issue of it. He talked down to me. We quit going to him. Find a new counselor. Its an issue with you and its affecting your relationship so it needs to be addressed for sure.

JustHisGirl · Apr 22, 2009, 11:34 AM

My boyfriend really likes this guy, he's helped him with a lot of other things. But personally I think its easier for me to talk to a girl. Because... she wouldn't be thinking with a male brain.. so I may try to find someone else.

88sunflower · Apr 22, 2009, 11:36 AM

I agree in a way. It was a female that helped us through that and realizing it was an addiction. I have to be honest I never totally got over it either. It still haunts me when we have sex. Its made me hate sex and avoid it. Maybe I need to be counseled for that! Good luck it can pass over and you can build a strong relationship if you both want to.

talaniman · Apr 22, 2009, 11:38 AM

JustHisGirl;1684413, he knows he's addicted and he knows its wrong. That's why he's willing to stop..

I think trying his best to please you is more accurate, as its you that thinks its wrong. That's only my opinion.

he just had setbacks and I forgave him for those. Its just the most recent one really got to me.

Oh my gosh, that's so magnanimous of you to forgive him.

my body is nothing like those girls that turned him on that day. And it scares me that that is what he wants

Now we get to the root of all this, you very wrongly think that's what he wants, and nothing could be farther from the truth!!

anyway, I know this may sound impossible to some of you guys and your going to tell me its not possible, but my boyfriend promised me that when he masturbated I was the only one on his mind.

That's an unreasonable thing to promise, and just as unreasonable to actually do, as his fantasies have nothing to do with your own expectations, hopes , wishes, or fears and its really unrealistic to control the fantasies of another, and unhealthy.

and I do trust thim. Because if he promises me something and goes against it, he tells me as soon as he can.

That's another problem, he is feeding your own insecurities with too much information neither of you have control over. Your taking his information way to personally.

we just have that kind of relationship. We are 100% open and honest with each other. He said when we are having sex sometimes those images pop into his head. That bothers me too.

You need to deal with what he tells you in a more positive way, as insight into his thinking, and not a personal affront to you personally.

although he's not using those images to turn him on... I just hate that they are there...

Your trying control his thoughts?? I'm not putting you down, but your expectations are unreasonable, and you're the one who can benefit some counseling, so you can see why he does what he does. Again, your taking his actions way to personally, and I don't see that as healthy, and he will never reach the bar you have set. You need to give the guy a break.

JustHisGirl · Apr 22, 2009, 11:45 AM

I'm not trying to control those thoughts. He came to me and told me they were there. He said he hated it and he wanted it to go away. We were having sex quite often so he suggested that we not do it so much. And that's what we did, and its helped. I didn't tell him I wouldn't have sex with him. He told me it bothered him.

JustHisGirl · Apr 22, 2009, 11:46 AM

He doesn't think its unreasonable to only think about me. He said he only wanted to think about me. I didn't do that.

88sunflower · Apr 22, 2009, 11:48 AM

Hey tal... I think she is trying to believe the best in him. I think she is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and deal with it in her own way. If she needs to believe this and that or trust what he says to get by, then that's how she deals. Its so hard today being a woman. There are so many expectations and standards we have to follow. Sure men say it doesn't matter, they love us for how we are. Then why is there porn, why is there strip clubs? Why is Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue such a big deal? The world sets a false standard that woman "try" to follow. I was heavy in high school and was never asked out once. A few months after graduation I went down to 102 pounds and all of a sudden those jocks all wanted to hit on me. I am not holding resentment, don't use that against me, I am just trying to make a point. I think its harder for women and body image then it is men.
Does any one agree or am I crazy?

88sunflower · Apr 22, 2009, 11:50 AM

Maybe any counseling she may need would be to keep her self image and not bring herself down to that level.

JustHisGirl · Apr 22, 2009, 02:22 PM

No your not crazy. I agree. I'm not... heavy... I guess you could say, I'm just... nothing like those girls.. I really think its harder for other guys to understand this issue. My boyfriend is really not like other guys. He's not into "hot" girls or any of that crap. He just got addicted to porn and he regrets it. In most other guys minds they say its OK to like it, its OK to look at it, but there not a girl who has to deal with her guy looking at it. Me and my boyfriend are going to be OK. Ill eventually get over it... as long as it doesn't happen again. I just need help getting over it.

Survivor07 · Apr 22, 2009, 04:57 PM

Ill eventually get over it... as long as it doesn't happen again. I just need help getting over it.

It's a little unrealistic to expect it won't happen again.

In my opinion and I'm certainly no expert on this subject, but I would think this problem is going to destroy the intimacy in your relationship if you don't seek some help.

I dated a guy who is now a good friend mine. When we were together and had sex, I felt like he was "performing". It did not feel like making love. Sometimes it would just end because he couldn't orgasm, and I did not understand why.

Since then he has admitted to me that he is a porn addict. He goes to counseling for it. He is divorced. The porn was a huge issue in his marriage. He watched it alone every chance he could. He asked his wife to watch it with him while they had sex. And she did.

He told me this all started for him when he was a teen. He is now in his late forties.

His wife changed herself so much during their marriage. She dyed her hair black, blonde, you name it. She wore tons of makeup when she used to barely wear any at all. She even got herself breast implants. Then she got herself a boyfriend and left him.

He has now been without sex for a year, he says. He tries his best not to rent the porn. He came to this conclusion on his own, though, which is what any addict must do.

He told me he was tired of feeling "dirty" and was worried about how the porn has affected the way he perceives all women. He also has a young daughter. For all of these reasons he has sought counseling for sex addiction/porn addiction.

I hope this offers a little insight.

88sunflower · Apr 23, 2009, 05:59 AM

Survivor07;1685192]In my opinion and I'm certainly no expert on this subject, but I would think this problem is going to destroy the intimacy in your relationship if you don't seek some help.

Yes it will. I can guarantee it. I am living proof. All these years later and I cringe at sex.

You know what else it did to me. This is the first time I ever had said this to anyone. But we have a wonderful 5 year old son. I want another baby and so doesn't he. I won't because inside I am scared it might come out a girl. Please believe me he isn't sick with kids or any kind of molestor. I am sure of that. But with dealing with his porn addiction for so many years, it makes me wonder if we had a daughter would the thought cross his mind. That's what porn addiction did to this wife!

He can over come it. But there will be scars.

dealmein · Apr 23, 2009, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by Fuzzball_Kara

You see the thing about that is, is that he actually made a promise not to. If he refused then that's another story. But when you make a promise to compromise then you should follow through. He knows what he's doing hurts her or he would not have promised not to and obviously he can see how it hurts her... I see what youre saying too, don't get me wrong. but this is more of an issue with promises not being kept than the porn itself, though the porn is probably hurting her esteem in ways.. The whole body image thing drives some girls nuts and that's understandable. Us girls have some soft on us and I know yall guys have it somewhere too.

I agree he should have just said "listen its something I do and always have done so you have to accept this" rather than telling her he'll stop and do it anyway. That hurts her more. I overlooked this point :p She has to try and understand the guys perspective more and he has to be open and honest about what he wants rather than lying about it.

dealmein · Apr 23, 2009, 02:09 PM

[QUOTE=88sunflower;1683925]

Originally Posted by dealmein

It seems to me if you really dont like it then you have to find a man who doesnt do it. Either that or accept it. Its not his problem really its yours. This is who he is and this is what he does and probably has done all his life.

Whoooo slow down right there! I also have husband who did porn for 7 years. I begged and cried for him and the lies to stop. Its not her problem and she shouldnt have to find another man if she can't accept it. There is such a thing as porn addiction. Like many addictions you will need help and counseling. Dont blame her and make it ok for him and his addictions.

I'm not denying porn can become excessive and downright disrespectful if a man chooses to look at movies instead of being with his wife. Her issue doesn't seem to be this however. She's away and is worried he will look at porn in her absence. This is extreme on her part.

I see you can relate to this but I don't think her case is as extreme as yours.

I drink once or twice a week but I'm not an addict. I look at porn once or twice a week and I can say the same.

JustHisGirl · Apr 23, 2009, 03:54 PM

Thanks guys for all your opinions. Honestly if my boyfriend had told me that he wasn't going to stop we probably wouldn't be together. I hate porn and I hate the way it portrays women. I don't want those images in his head when we have sex. It hurts. I do believe that its over for him. I just worry. Especially since I'm going to be gone for 2 weeks at the end of summer. He's only 19. It all started with junk email many years ago. And he did it a lot. And he was addicted. It just sucks... his memory sucks, but yet he can remember the very first porn video he saw. And he can remember all that stuff... it pops in his head when we have sex... but yet he hasn't looked at porn in a very long time. It just hurts that he can remember that stuff but yet he doesn't remember things I tell him. Or something that happen that I later talk about, he doesn't remember...

talaniman · Apr 23, 2009, 04:18 PM

You expect a lot from a teen ager.

Survivor07 · Apr 23, 2009, 05:17 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You expect a lot from a teen ager.

I agree.

I may have missed it if you stated your ages before. Sorry. That does make a difference.

Instead of talking/thinking/arguing about the porn, concentrate on coming to terms with how you feel about the porn and how it relates to your own self image.

I understand it makes you insecure and upset over the whole demoralization issue. You're not alone in those thoughts. It is something that is going to be a continuing roadblock with you and whoever you're involved with.

His fascination with the porn may wear off a little in time. Give both you and he a break and be young and happy, have fun, plan some nice "dates" before you go away, so you can spend some good times together.