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lindey_calvaro · Apr 22, 2009, 10:44 PM

All right. I know it- I am a needy girl.

I know this and am trying hard to change it, but when I take a step in the right direction I feel like I'm about to explode. I know I'm needy in my relationship, and don't want this to hurt it. I almost sound crazy sometimes I think. If my boyfriend doesn't want to talk or seems upset, I have to fight back the tears because I think I probably did something wrong to make him not want to talk to me, even if I know this isn't the case.

And every time I feel like I want more time with him and I don't get it, I've noticed I almost immediately see my dad's face (he left several years ago) and usually break down sobbing. I'm tired of this routine and want to know if anyone has had a similar problem or has advice on dealing with... I guess you'd call it stress

NallaNeedsYou · Apr 23, 2009, 05:45 AM

Wow. You obviously have got past the stage of self persecution which is a great start! You know that you are needy and that it will end up hurting you. Now this might sound silly at the moment but to me I think you can't do it on your own. You need (yes need) the support of your boyfriend. If you really trust him and you can feel safe that he will stay with you then you can both work together to help the relationship.

Have you recently been in another relationship that was ruined by the man? He pulled out or cheated. After something like a parent leaving can make you over reliant and sensitive. Like you don't want to let the man out of sight. If you have trust then you can build on that, work together and speak to him about it openly. Maybe if he can be a little more open to you about why he isn't talking or whatever then you can learn to trust him a little more.

Gemini54 · Apr 26, 2009, 01:02 AM

Your comment about your father leaving sounds like you're scared of abandonment.

For some reason now you've put all of that fear into your relationship. Your neediness is a way of trying to control your boyfriend, keep him close and make sure that he doesn't abandon you like your father.

Sadly, it may well have the opposite effect. I guess the first thing to see is that the relationship does not just revolve around you and your needs - you've already recognized this.

Stop focusing on your needs and focus on doing other things with friends and family. If your life is busy and happy then your boyfriend will just be one part of your life and you won't feel the pressure to be so needy.

Your boyfriend cannot fill your life and calm your fears - only you can do that.

Jake2008 · Apr 26, 2009, 01:37 AM

Could it be too, in addition to what has been offered so far, a lack of self-confidence?

When we need others to keep ourselves feeling safe and secure, we lack the skills we need to be confident to make decisions, set goals and expectations (of ourselves and others), and achieve success.

Sometimes relying on others to provide that emotional safety net will leave you unfullfilled because they cannot give you that which you do not have yourself, and that is confidence and inner strength.

When your boyfriend starts to seem like your father, maybe it is that bond of security and trust you seek that makes everything all right. That is okay and necessary when you are learning how to fly under your own steam, but as an adult, you don't need a father figure- you need an equal partner.

I'm not sure what you are looking for can come from anybody else but yourself.