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Can he do this to me?
Hello all! My name is Tiffany. I am in somewhat of a complicated situation. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we have a one year old together. When I was pregnant I had some complications with my pregnancy so my boyfriend wanted me to quit my job. (I didn’t want to) I quit and a few months later we moved into an apartment where I could not sign the lease. I am listed as a resident. We have been having a multitude of problems. He is very immature and holds everything over my head. He is emotionally and physically abusive but I can’t do anything about it for fear my son and I will be on the street. Over the past few months I have been recording him when he is abusive. He steals my memory card and camera all the time. The last time he did it I called the police. Since then he tells me he is having me evicted. I am in nursing school and can’t get a full time job. I only have 1 1/2 years left and this would be my only means to support me and my son. We do not have any agreement for me to pay bills as I only do daycare and I am a full time student. He pays all the house bills and has since he told me to quit. I use my daycare money for my personal expenses and food shopping. He put on the eviction paperwork he wanted me out because I called the police and I don’t contribute to the bills. HE TOLD ME WHEN I QUIT HE WOULD SUPPORT ME! He even pays for my nursing. (I am very grateful for everything but I pay the price)He unplugs the cable box and takes the modem with him so I can’t watch TV, or use the internet, he constantly breaks things. Since the police escapade I have put even more of an effort in to make things work for the sake of our son. I even wanted to get counseling for us so we can see where the other is coming from. But he claims I am doing that because he said he was going to have me evicted. I have applied for assistance but have been denied because I make "too much" $440 a month. So here are my questions:
1. Can he do this? 2. Do I have any rights? 3. Will a judge look at the whole picture and realize he is doing this because "he can"(in his words) 4. Are they any laws that protect people like me from this happening? I really don’t know what to do. I don’t have any family out here and I am at a complete loss. Any advice is GREATLY appreciated. Oh, we live in NJ. Thank you in advance! |
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Basically, whether you are boyfriend and girlfriend or not he is on the lease, you are not, you are a tenant, he can move to evict you. You do not have a relationship which is recognized by law. Your only option is to go to Family Court and file for custody/support of your child. I can't imagine a Judge deciding that your boyfriend has to pay all of your living expenses as well as your school expenses until you graduate - or until some other date - when your boyfriend wants "out" of the relationship. It's harsh but your choices are to live under these circumstances OR leave and find your own way. There is, unfortunately, little protection when it's a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. |
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What I would suggest is that you contact abused spouse help groups in your area. They can help you deal with these issues. They may be able to find housing, find you a job until you finish school, help with legal issues etc. But Judy is right, without your name on the lease he can evict you. He does have to give you sufficient notice and you will get a hearing. If he tries to use the fact that you called the police, that will look bad for him when you explain why. If he tries to claim that you aren't paying your fair share, you counter that he made you quit your job with a promise to support you. |
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Thanks everyone. I have applied for custody and support but in NJ I can not get custody yet because we still have the same address. I should clarify a few things... I am in NO way, shape, or form expecting him to pay my bills for the rest of school. I am willing to get a part time job or even take on more children during the day. However, I get paid under the table so I have no "legal" (I guess) income. It would be very difficult for me to go out and get an apartment. I have no faimly where as he does. He has mentioned many times about going back to live with his dad. The apartment we are in has said they will transfer the lease into my name. Our first two apartments were solely in my name but like I said I was unable to put my name on the lease due to my income. The only reason he says he won't transfer the lease is because he wants full custody of our son (to be spiteful) and he knows I can not get a new apartment in my name. The complex we reside in is a part of the same company I had my first apartmen.(I was living by myself at the time) I lived there for 5 years by myself. I moved out of my parents at 18 and have done everything myself since then. So, the complex manger said she would be more than happy to work with me on the rent and getting assistance. He is just trying to do whatever he can out of spite. Will a judge see that and let me transfer the apartment or will I be screwed because I get paid under the table. I have a feeling this isn't going to go in my favor. I have tried to come to numerous civil agreements with him and he agress until his mood changes. I made a bad judgment call and lost all the independence I have ever worked for and now Im screwed because of it. EVERYTHING in the apartment is mine. I have recepts for it all. Most of it was bought when I first moved into my other apartment and everything else I make sure I pay with my CC to prove I bought it. Including all of my sons firniture. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. I look forward to your replys. |
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Again, there are several problems. You work under the table and have no reportable income nor do you pay taxes. All else aside, you are aware that this is a crime - ? So take him to Court for whatever relief it is that you want - take your receipts for the furniture if you want the furniture. As far as the apartment - you are a tenant. Nothing is going to change that. You cannot force him, the person who signed the lease, out because you are, again, the tenant. There is nothing for the Judge to "see." A lease is a contract. Your boyfriend and the landlord have a contract. That has nothing to do with you. In my area injured spouse groups will not work with unmarried people. That may be different where you are. I don't know exactly what it is you are looking for here - you don't expect him to continue to support you and you don't expect him to pay for your schooling. What relief are you intending to request from the Court? Just the apartment - which I see no way you are going to accomplish. And now the lecture - one of my very best friends lived with someone for 20 years. He got very sick and died. She got no spousal benefits. Nothing. Went to Court, wouldn't listen to anyone, insisted she was "entitled" because he made promises. The Court will not treat you like a married person if you were never legally married. That's what the Court told her and I'm afraid that is what the Court is going to tell you. Unmarried people in these situations can't have it both ways - unmarried "freedom" ("I don't need a piece of paper, blah, blah, blah") and married rights, entitlements and guarantees. He told you to quit your job and he would support you when the relationship was good or at least better. Now things have changed. His argument will be that when he said that he anticipated the relationship would always be good. It's not. Therefore, his promises were bedroom promises and now unenforceable. I'm sorry and I agree that you are in a rough place but that is how it is. I've been in the legal business for a lot of years and I've heard this same story over and over again. It's sad and it's unfair but it is the law. |
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I am not sure why you are coming off with an attitude. All the things I say are because he has made threats and I want to know if he can acutually do these things. He has claimed he is going to keep all of the furniture and the baby's things since I have no where to go. So I am simply asking if I will get to keep everything I paid for. And how am I a tenant? HE is the tenant and it clearly states in the lease there is no subletting. Not to mention I do not pay rent, so how is that considered a "tenancy"? Anyway, I appreciate your advice and I contacted my local "landlord tenant court" today and they said its not a tenant issue(for the reason I stated above"and it will first go to family court. Then, if a judge does rule in his favor for me to move I will have a MINIMUM of 90 days. They also said due the amount of evidence I have as far as him putting in writing that he takes sole responcibility for the bills I may have longer. He is not doing this because he doesnt want to be with me. He is doing it for power. He has a mental issue and I can't play the game any longer. He will call me a fat, lazy, b**ch, a whore, and a slut and then 2 hours later send me flowers to the house and tell me how sorry and wrong he is. Its been like this since around the birth of my son and I have tired everything to make it work. I am none of the things he states. I watch my son and a friends son during the day, go to school at night, and spend the rest of my time with him and my son. He also just paid another $2000 tuition payment for me 3 days ago("as a surprise") . I understand you are just telling me the facts but you are coming across with an attitude. I do not deserve what he is doing to me. |
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Oh, and one more thing.(not that it is really your business as I did not ask for advice about it) but in the first year of me watching my friends son I didn't not make enough in the amout of time before taxes that I had to claim it. I had her write me checks every week for tax time and was told my TAX PROFESSIONAL and the IRS that I did not have to pay. This year I will get a tax id and at the end of the year pay my dues. I am choosing not to pay quarterly. Thanks for your concern.
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You never mentioned before that the agreement for him to pay the bills was in writing. Had you mentioned that, the responses, especially Judy's would have been different. There wasno attitude on her part, just a sadness for the position you let yourself get into. However as you provide more details, it appears that you did protect yourself more than initially apparent. I'm not sure I would completely trust what you were told by housing court. If he files for eviction I think they will have to deal with the issue. But if you file for custody FIRST and establish a prior case, that may make a difference. No you don't deserve what's he doing, but you did leave yourself somewhat open to it being done. But that's in the past. For now you need to do what you can to protect yourself. |
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Did you read where I said that if you want the furniture and you paid for it, take your receipts to Court and prove that it's your furniture. Again - I'm sorry you are in this position but legally you do not have "married" protection. Working under the table and getting advice from an accountant that you do not need to pay taxes are two very different things. I notice you change the "facts" in order to contradict the advice. I'm amazed that no one is claiming you as a dependent - but clearly no one is if there is no need for you to declare your income because that's a two way street. |
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 Originally Posted by logans_mom
You don't have to pay rent to be considered a resident - parents can evict children, siblings can evict siblings. Friends can visit you, overstay their welcome, be evicted. If the landlord only allows one person in the apartment, then there's a problem. If he does not care that there are two, you are residing there with his permission. The person on the lease decides who can (and will) live there. I had no idea he said IN WRITING that he would pay the bills - either you didn't post it or I didn't read it. I'm sorry you think I have an attitude. I think you are confusing what you deserve and what is legal. As far as him now paying tuition for you - if you have told him of your unhappiness and are no longer sharing his bed, I see no problems. If he is not aware of your unhappiness and you are still sharing his bed I see things going poorly for you in Court. If you want advice on your relationship with this person, why you put up with his bad behavior, this should be moved to the relationship board. You've received legal advice on this, the legal board. I still don't know what you ultimately want - sole occupancy of the apartment and the furniture? Here is a similar situation in Pennsylvania - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/real-e...ml#post1685012 |
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Scott, you hit it on the head. I should have never put myself in this situation! Judy, I have to be honest. I really don't know what I want. I don't want my son to come from a broken home which is why I have tried on my end. I am just trying to figure out what he can and can't do. I am, (like you said) getting confused with what I think should happen and what legally happens. I typed an original post and deleted it on accident so the second time around I left a lot out. My fault. I do have documents in which he states that he is taking sole responcibility for the bills and also letters he has written me. In these letters he states how he said that and now he has complete control over me because I have nowhere else to go. I guess legally I am screwed. If he files I am just going to have to do whatever I can to fight for some time to get a job. There is no legal loop hole anywhere even with the documents I have? And when I saw loop hole I mean for anything. To have the apartment transferred, for extra time to find a job and get on my feet... anything legally that would be somewhat beneficial to me time wise. I know I am all over the place but I am really stressed out. I am dealing with this and trying to stay on top in nursing school which is not easy! Last year when I went to do my taxes they told me if I was paid more that $600. Within the year I would have to file but I didn't make that much (legally) because I had just started watching my friends son full time... with checks to prove it. I was watching him here and there but at first it was very little. So, to answer your question... yes he did claim me and my son last year. Thank you for being patient with me. :) |
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I'm not as sure about your being legally screwed as I first was. I think the fact that you have written proof of the things he has said is going to help you a great deal. If a judge sees proof that he has talked about how much control he has over you, they are not going to like that. I still suggest that you try to get in with a support group that will help you and provide some advice. |
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Scott, I am definitally going to take that advice. I think I should have talked to someone a long time ago. I thought I could let it roll of my back but it has been going on far too long. Thanks for that, I will be making some phone calls tomorrow. What you said about the having control over me and agreeing to pay the bills is EXACTALLY why I posted here. It is my fault for not being clear. Sorry for that. Like I said, my head is in a fog right now. I know you and Judy are not mind readers. Not only do I have letters but I also have video of him saying that. Are videos leagal though? I think I heard if they didn't have sound they were but then that defeats the purpose. Thank you for your great avice. |
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Originally Posted by logans_mom
P.S. if he does have a keylogger DO NOT use the computer any longer until you know for sure otherwise you could be placing yourself in extreme danger if he feels he's losing control. |
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Thanks Calidad, I just downloaded snoopfree. Have you ever heard of it? It didn't show anything so I think Im OK. Scott had mentioned to try a spywear and I found that. It said it is aimed at keylogging. Thank you for your concern and good advice. I applied for section 8 but they said I am not eligible because I have to be receiving TANF(temporary assistance for needy familys) to get it and I'm not eligible for TANF. With everyone's advice and thoughts at this point I am going to look into a part time job. I am an EMT and can get a job working 12 hour shifts on the days I don't have school. Like you had mentioned though, he might not like that because he is not in control. Well thanks again. I have a lot of thinking to do.
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Not sure where you live ( and don't need to know ) but EMT's don't make very much money for what they do. You might be better off trying to find a job as an orderly in a hospital or nursing home and make more during your working hours. Also you can get on the job experience too. |
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Hey Calidad, in my state it really goes on experience and previous pay. I have 7 years certified and 10 including my "jr" years. I have a lot of experience and great references. My last rate of pay was $17. I would LOVE to work in a hospital or nursing home but unless you are a CNA (certified nurses aid) its hard to get those jobs. With that said it is def. worth taking a second look into since I am in school now! Thanks!
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From the way that you have described your boyfriend's behavior he sounds like he is definitely bipolar. Would suggest that you do a lot of reading on this particular mental illness. One minute they can be wonderful, charming people and the next hour they can literally trash the house throwing things around like their dinner onto the ceiling. I had the wonderful world of bipolar foisted upon me for over a year. That particular person would cycle pretty fast some days and I would never know just what mood they would be in the next hour. If you truly want to keep subjecting yourself to this type of mental case, then God help you see the trees for the forest here. Obviously he has not been properly diagnosed as sometimes this mental condition can be "masked" when the person thinks they are going to be controlled. Yes, they are the original control freaks to put it mildly. I've been there, done that and thankfully told him to go live elsewhere when he mentioned the possibility of doing just that. Oh he would call up and want to come back, etc. but I never let him back in my home to cause more grief. Legally, whatever Judy said I'll totally agree with 100%. When people are just playing house and not married the Courts literally look at the people differently. Right now you have no rights period other than being your son's mother. You are skating on very, very thin ice with this guy. It seems that he likes to give you something nice with one hand and then the next day (or two hours later) wham you with a real doozie like I'm taking custody of our kid stuff. You are the mouse. He is the cat. He is toying with you. This is a real favorite game with bipolars. (That guy that lived with me - his entire family were bipolars! Mom, dad, sis and his 7 year old daughter so believe me I've seen it all out of them in the course of a year). Bipolars only get worse. They do not really get better even with medication as they have no idea what it is to be normal or to love another person. They only want to control you any and all ways possible. Quit your job and I'll take care of you is a prime example of this behavior. Oh, yes, don't EVER expect him to marry you either regardless of whatever fairy tales he tells you either. As soon as you finish your schooling and have a job please promise me that you will move far, far away from him and never see him again. Ok? |
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