[sexysally]

Hello, Can anyone give me some advice please. I have been with my partner for 8 months now, and we are very much in love, and happy together. We get on great together, with so much in common and are planning a future together. One problem!! The actually sexual side of our relationship is very good, excellent actually, but he does not show any actually emotional contact, i.e. kissing or stroking or cuddling. This is not just during intercourse, but generally. You can see he so wants too, but when he realises his hand may just brush my shoulder say, its like he pulls away? We very rarely kiss, but when we do, it is so nice and I know he is enjoying it. I do not want to push him, as I have mentioned this from the start, and he as admitted he is cold... Cold I do not think thou, just does not know how to show this kind of affection, even thou, he loves to receive it himself, being cuddled, stroked, and loved all the time. He had a difficult childhood?

Any advise how to approach this would be grateful, as to get him to open up and enjoy intimate moments would be wonderful..

Many thanks

S

[Souris]

It might just be he expresses his affection in different ways...
I read a book recently about the 5 languages of love. You are obviously physical, you enjoy kissing and touching and snuggling. Look for the other types... does he give you gifts? Some people think giving or accepting gifts is a great way to express feelings they don't feel comfortable saying. Does he go out of his way to do special little things, or things that make you happy? Sometimes, acts of love as simple as taking out the trash without being asked are the way they want you see see they care. Quality time is another one, maybe he clears his schedule just to spend time with you or goes out of his way to, say, catch you on your lunch hour? LOOK, you might find he's saying he loves you all over the place, just not the same way you do.
Basically, don't get frantic just yet, babe. You know he loves you, right? You said so yourself! :D

[Xrayman]

Mmm difficult childhood-good excuse. I have used that one many times.

He needs to let go of his protective wall around himself-this is VERY difficult to do. I'd say he comes from a family who don't show love and affection in a physical manner-that's just like mine! It is a struggle for me every day to show warmth and care and love because of this "difficult childhood" issue - as well.

I think you need to tell and show (if you are REALLY interested ) in helping him, but I'm sure he will come around eventually to what your needs are.

[Gemini54]

Um, I'm at a loss to understand how you can have good (you call it excellent) sex without kissing, stroking or cuddling.

Anyway, I think you need to talk to him. He's your partner - why can't you tell him what you want? Why shouldn't you push him a little? That's what relationships are about - understanding another person's needs and getting out of your respective comfort zones.

Start with small things. Kisses goodbye and hello. Hugs when things go well. Sitting together on the couch/bus/cinema. Holding hands crossing the road. You get my drift.
Do it when it feels natural and spontaneous and don't force it.

Hey, it's not rocket science. Good luck.

[chrissymarie]

Tell him how your feeling. See what his response is. Sometimes people don't see when they are taking and not giving.

[c23]

So... I think maybe.. either in the past relations he didn't receive emotional contact himself,or he has been abbused maybe.. don't know... you just talk to him..

[smoothy]

So, how is it you fall deeply in love with an iceberg?

Want a project or a lover?


The man is who he is... without a lobatamy he's not going to change. After all, could you change to your polar opposite for someone?

My advice is find someone more like what you want... relationships aren't just about sex... in fact sex is only a small part of it. MOST of it is the non-sexual stuff.

[artlady]

Just keep showing him how it is done and encourage him to do the same,a little bit at a time and eventually he may feel like it is second nature.

You should also be prepared to accept that it may not happen.
He needs to be willing to step out of his comfort zone a little bit and learn new ways of expressing himself.

Take it slow,give encouragement and make your needs known very specifically.

Saying *be more affectionate* is rather open to interpretation.
Instead use *I * statements and say* I would feel more loved if you could kiss me more during love making*.

Keep the communication open and always give positive reinforcement when you know he has made an effort.

[Catsmine]

Gemini54 has the best suggestion so far. You have described the typical American Macho guy. I was 45 before I STARTED coming out of my shell. Don't crack that shell, ease him out. It's a wonderous process, for both.