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romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 05:28 PM

Hi all,

From the beginning I would like to tell you that I am looking for to hear a lecture from anyone, I am just looking for some opinions.
Here is my situation: I am trying to figure out if a coworker of mine, who is married, is interested in me. Sometimes I see him staring a me, sometimes he comes and makes jokes to me.
A few days ago he gave me a pack of sticky notes that have my short name on.He didn't buy them, he found them in a department where they were getting rid of some unused stuff. He put them on my desk, when I wasn't there, but later he told me they were from him.He said he gave them to me because they had my name on.
Sometimes he talks to me softly, for example when we run into each other by the coffee maker. One thing that I'm "worried" about is that he called in sick on my birthday. I wonder if it has anything to do with his feelings.
There is nothing between us, but I am thinking about becoming "closer". I am not married, but I am in a bad relationship which I might end soon.
Thanks

mudweiser · Apr 18, 2009, 06:06 PM

You don't want to be lectured- fine. However you will be scolded.

He is married. Back off. You know it's wrong. What would you do if he was your husband and someone wanted to do it to him? Wouldn't feel so nice huh?

Don't be another woman- be someone's woman. There are single guys out there.

Just because a man talks to you and has some office politics doesn't mean he likes you. If this were true than all my co-workers would like me.

Sarah

JoeCanada76 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:12 PM

Honestly, I do not know there may be a connection. People spend more time at work then at home so it is not surprising. At the same time, you knowing that he is married. This type of relationship is off limits. Whether he likes you or not does not give you the green light to go after him. You might be in a bad relationship but that does not mean you jump into another relationship especially considering this person is married.

So as to the first answer. Back off are two important action words you need to do.

Joe

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 06:16 PM

Sarah,

Some marriages are not going well and I believe that a man or a woman looks in a different place when this happens. Maybe that's the case with him. I do talk to many other men and make jokes, but with this guy it seems to be different. His chat with me is longer and he stops by my cubicle and talk to me or with the guy next to me. He also asked me some personal question, about my parents, who live overseas.
Thanks

mudweiser · Apr 18, 2009, 06:18 PM

I would also like to add:

Okay lookie here. Truth is; it might be fun. It might be exciting. That rush you get when it's a secret- nothing will compare to.

However affairs have this thing, that well let's say, it'll backfire.

He's not going to love you, he loves his wife. He has children with her. Then your going to fall in love and he's not going to leave her. What if he does, you say? Okay then you got divorce, and that's a lot of money and a lot of stress- are you going to stick by that? Let's say you do. His true colors will begin to show during this hard time- and you won't like it. Okay what if you pass through this stage. Now you got his kids to deal with, oh yea and they will know that you're the woman who broke mom and dad apart- now that would be a BIG obstacle in your relationship.

So save your time, money, and energy.

And I quote "If he'll lie for you, he'll lie to you. If he'll cheat for you, he'll cheat on you"

Is this a future relationship? Could be.

What I know for sure is, this is a future disaster.

Sarah

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 06:26 PM

Sarah,

First, he doesn't have kids.
Second, I know some couples who started a new relationship before they ended the previous one and they are happily married as today. I would not get involved with a married man if his marriage is fine, but I have the feeling that something is not going well with his marriage. Well, someone told me.

annybaby84 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:27 PM

How many coworkers you working with? He's only nice to you in the office, or he is just nice to everyone? Talking to a person softly doesn't mean that he has "special" feeling for you...

He's married, I think you shouldn't put yourself in this kind of situation... there're many single man out there that care about you, talk to you softly, and have a better future "relationship" with you

JoeCanada76 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:28 PM

First whether he has kids or not, does not matter. He is married is the point.

Second, Whether you know couples or not that do that. Does not mean that it is right or okay to do. If his marriage is not so well it is not up to you to make it worse.

Joe

mudweiser · Apr 18, 2009, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by romatique

Sarah,

First, he doesn't have kids.
Second, I know some couples who started a new relationship before they ended the previous one and they are happily married as today. I would not get involved with a married man if his marriage is fine, but I have the feeling that something is not going well with his marriage. Well, someone told me.

Okay then scratch the kids out of my comment. You still have the rest to worry about. PLUS you don't know for a fact what IS going on in his marriage- let alone should you. I don't go around telling my business at work and I don't know many men that do do that. So stay out of his b-i business. He's not your man, he's someone else's.

Have some respect for other people's relationships- wouldn't you want that if you had your own relationship [troubled or not]. Or at least have some respect for yourself!

I can tell you this much when it comes to cheaters making a relationship out of an affair: it looks happy on the outside, but inside it's twisted. There is always one partner that is doubting the other. It could even be the man who cheated on his ex wife! No joke! My uncle cheated on his wife with my "new" aunt and he has said that he doesn't trust her because SHE knew he was married prior and CONDONED his behavior.

So please spare us the baloney and be realistic.

Sarah

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 06:34 PM

Originally Posted by annybaby84

How many coworkers you working with? He's only nice to you in the office, or he is just nice to everyone? Talking to a person softly doesn't mean that he has "special" feeling for you....

I did notice that his behaviour towards other female coworkers is different. He doesn't joke with them, he doesn't visit with them or have "soft talks ". Usually he talk about work with the other staff.

liz28 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:40 PM

Do you really think you can have a future with a married co-worker? Please! Start living in reality and get a grip.

You can't find a single guy in your area.

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Okay then scratch the kids out of my comment. You still have the rest to worry about. PLUS you don't know for a fact what IS going on in his marriage- let alone should you. I don't go around telling my business at work and I don't know many men that do do that. So stay out of his b-i business. He's not your man, he's someone elses.

Have some respect for other people's relationships- wouldn't you want that if you had your own relationship [troubled or not]. Or at least have some respect for yourself!

Sarah

I do agree with you when you said that it's sure his marriage is bad, but you only blame on me. If he flirts with me or wants more, then don't you think he is to be blamed to?
I'm not doing anything to approach him, he appears to be.
I never understood why women and maybe men always blame on the woman when they cheat with other women's husbands.

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 06:44 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

Do you really think you can have a future with a married co-worker? Please! Start living in reality and get a grip.

You can't find a single guy in your area.

AS I said he might not be married in the future with this woman.
Yes, I can find a single man , if I look, but you know how it is. He happaned to be there, around me and got to know him better over the years.

mudweiser · Apr 18, 2009, 06:47 PM

So then wait a while till his marriage is over, he done the divorce, he's had his time to repair himself [by the way that takes a year plus].

If your willing to wait a long time to go right ahead. But cheating would not be a positive thing for the future.

Have fun waiting.

By the way, I think it's both the woman AND the male's fault when it comes to cheating. The partner seeks and the cheatee complies, they are both, in my book, at fault!

Sarah

Jake2008 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:56 PM

I want to toss in my red flag here too, this is not a good situation all the way around.

You are thinking a married man is interested in you for really questionable actions; minor things that had you been happily married yourself, you wouldn't have given a second thought to probably.

You are unhappy in your relationship, and are 'thinking' about ending it. Thinking about ending it, and doing it are two different things, and shouldn't be considered along with jumping right into a new relationship, particularly with a married man.

When and if you leave your current mate, you need time to reflect, and learn how to live your life under your own steam again. To jump from the frying pan into the fire will not put you in a position where you are in control of your life.

He is married, and that alone as the others have said, should be enough for you to realize that regardless of how he communicates with you, he is off limits. Should he initiate something more, I hope you have the courage to say no.

To try to solve your relationship issues with your current mate now, should be your first priority in my opinion. Failing that, when you are single again, pursue men who are not married. That's just asking for trouble.

wltknow · Apr 18, 2009, 06:59 PM

I think you will to know , I had a similar situation ,but I'm a man and I had an affair with a married women the worked with me,she had problems with her husband,everything was great ,a lots of excitement until I develop feelings for her then drama starts ,I didn't trust her I was always jealous of any men the she talks in a friendly way,in the end she chose her husband , I had to go to work and see her everyday,not easy to get over,
And then I finally get over after like 6-8 months(it did feel like years),we start not getting
Alone she make my life miserable for the next 2 years, when she quit I finally feel free.
I know every situation is different but you should think in the pros and cons before moving forward.

Good luck

Silverfoxkit · Apr 18, 2009, 07:06 PM

I would not get involved with a married man if his marriage is fine, but I have the feeling that something is not going well with his marriage. Well, someone told me.

Just because a marriage is damaged it does not mean its okay to damage it further. To peruse a relationship with man will only serve to degrade yourself and cause yourself more hardship in the long run. It is very unlikely that such an affair will end well and you will have yourself labeled a "home wrecker." You really don't want to be that woman.

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 07:08 PM

Originally Posted by wltknow

I think you will to know , I had a similar situation ,but I'm a man and I had an affair with a married women the worked with me,she had problems with her husband,everything was great ,a lots of excitement until I develop feelings for her then drama starts ,I didn't trust her I was always jealous of any men the she talks in a friendly way,in the end she chose her husband , i had to go to work and see her everyday,not easy to get over,
and then I finally get over after like 6-8 months(it did feel like years),we start not getting
alone she make my life miserable for the next 2 years, when she quit I finally feel free.
I know every situation is different but you should think in the pros and cons before moving forward.

Good luck

It's very true what you are saying, but I also know that there are many people who have a double life and they are Ok even happy that way. Of course these type of relationships can turn the other way, one of them might change their mind while the other one fell in love and yes it's terrible. But the true is that one never knows how is going to be.

romatique · Apr 18, 2009, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by Silverfoxkit

Just becuase a marriage is damaged it does not mean its okay to damage it further. To peruse a relationship with man will only serve to degrade yourself and cause yourself more hardship in the long run. It is very unlikely that such an affair will end well and you will have yourself labeled a "home wrecker." You really don't want to be that woman.

This is not necessary true in my opinion. I know this from my own experinces. I've been in this relationship for about 5 years now and been trying to make things go better with any pozitive resault. So I'm now tired of trying and ready to give up.This doesn't have anything to do with my coworker. I don't see my boyfriend changing himself soon and I know it's hard. We are 2 different people who every time when we try to do something, nothing good comes out from it. We argue every day, many times about the same things. I see many "bad" things in him and less good things.

wltknow · Apr 18, 2009, 07:13 PM

You are messing with bad KARMA