[elan]

OK I will give some background, me and my wife are 20, we got married about a month ago. We met in grade 7 we were around 13 at the time so we have known each other a long time. Now she grew up in a very religious family and I did not, but before we started dating and after she moved away from parents she found courage to leave the church she didn't feel comfortable in. anyway we livd together for a eyar before marriage and things went great. But ever since I proposed we seem to have more disagreements about the small things. Now I know I'm more to blame then her. Neither of us have many friends anymore as we both grew apart form them or things happened that didn't work out. I found mine online and she has become somewhat cling.y. now I don't hide anything from her or anything. But since the marriage our disagreements have become worse, and I know I am a pbad procrastinator especially when it comes to dishes and stuff but I am trying to work on it. That issue stems form my past, and she knows I am working on it but it seems like all she ever says to me anymore is to clean this or that or dishes now granted I don't do as many dishes as I should but I also don tdo any as she tries to tell me and others. I love her with all my heart but I need some space to myself you know, and I feel like I can't get that when she's home, and work isn't a getaway either and I don't wish to become a workaholic. I know the issue isn't as bad as some others, but I have seen way my mom and dad were and they split up but thast a whoel dif story. But I see us heading down that same path in the end if I can't do soemthign myself to appease her need for a soial life with other people which I obviously can't do for her. And it makes me hard ot spend time with the few freiends I have left because then I feel guilty about her not being abel to do something with her friends, and my friends are all gamers and the games we play she can't get into, I really don't know what to do anymore, I had bought games for more then 2 people and for a while she enjoyed them then she just nolonger wished to play. Any advice would be greatly appreicated, I want to try and improve myself to make things easier for her before things get bad.

Thank you in advance

[Krs]

Right First off I would suggest marriage counseling.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but 20 is very young, I know many people would disagree but its my honest opinion.

I was 19 when I meet my husband to be, and married him when I was 25 and he was 28.

Marriage is all about Compromise, love, understanding and talking, talking to each other about arguments, likes and dislikes.

If you both work full-time then its only fair that house chores are divided between you equally.

[elan]

Its not that bad yet that we need coucncilling like the chore ting is an underlyign issue, its just we have no commonalities, and stuff. And before counseling id like some suggestions on how we could improve on this as it is now ourselves, as marriage counselors here are expensive and honestly not that successful here. I live in a city where the counselors often recommend extended separation or divorce allot faster then they should. But you. I guess what I'm really concerned about is our communication isn't as good as it once was or what it should be, and that's the thing that I know we need to work on but how to go about it is where I don't know what to do.

[Krs]

TALK TALK AND MORE TALKING will help both of u.
Talk about everything, COMMUNICATION is the key, trust me.

Talk and come to some agreement to help out each other as team, you need to work together.
It takes 2 to tango ;)

[kp2171]

You both need to talk.

Admitting you procrastinate isn't enough. It can be a huge strain on the marriage, especially if she's just more driven or more organized. My wife is a list maker. She will plan out what she needs to accomplish in the next day and week and month. And then she knocks it down. I have had to train myself to be more like that, for her sake. Ill get things done, but sometimes not as efficiently as it could be done. It may seem petty, but the dishes and the house and all of the other menial things are important. Find a way to make it not an issue. Its going to take some work.

As for her being clingy, well... this takes work from both sides. She needs to give you some space (as I wrote in another thread you posted in) and you need to not lose your friends. I'm not one to say its good to completely lose yourself in a marriage, but it is normal to lose some contact in the beginning, as you are trying to work things out. You need to talk to her, find out if the clinginess is simply anxiety from the stresses of the marriage.

Talk, talk, talk. Its not always fun. You may not like all you hear. But if you are vested in making this work you need to be willing to do some work and not resent it. Marriage takes some planning and work. Do it now and you'll reap the benefits long term.

[momincali]

Kp is right, admitting you procrastinate is not enough. Saying you're trying to work on something is like saying you're kind of pregnant. Either you are or you're not. Your marriage is at stake. Either you will change the things you are doing wrong or you won't, don't try, do.

It is well known that the first year of marriage is usually the most stressful. Doubt, doubt and more doubt creep up and try to weaken yourself confidence and your choices and decisions. Everyone here has told you one very important thing. Talk. Talk about everything. If it's a sticky subject, choose your words carefully but still talk about it. Don't ignore it because it's difficult. Things may be said that aren't easy to hear, but it will likely bring you closer in the end. Spend a little less time with friends you made online and a little more time going out with your wife and meeting people together. Go for walks in the park and talk to people. She may be feeling clingy because she fears the marriage is in trouble also. She's scared, that's why talking is so important. You mentioned that she left a church that she didn't feel comfortable in, is there a church that the two of you have considered? Look into it together, and start going. When you find one, talk to the pastor about your marital problems. Even if you don't go to church right now, pray together. You'd be amazed at how much that helps.

Once you marry someone, and stress starts to play a role, its easy to forget why you wanted to marry that person in the first place. Don't let that happen. Do whatever you have to to remind yourself why you wanted to be with this person for the rest of your life. Court her like you did when you first started dating. Buy her flowers, make the bed, a simple dinner. Those things go far. Greet each other when you get home from work like you are so happy and relieved that you walked through the door in one piece.

Marriage is constant work, constant. But when you get it right, and you will, it feels so effortless and is so worth it.

[s_cianci]

It sounds like neither one of you gave the other much space all during the 7 years you dated each other which has led to you getting married. Now you realize that you need some space occasionally but evidently she has yet to come to that same realization. Your best bet is to try talking to her honestly and upfront about it. Try to reassure her that you still love her and are not going to leave her but that the two of you need a breather once in a while.

[talaniman]

Actions speak louder than words. Your in a rut right now and the best way out is to go back to what works best. Pay attention to your partner and be there for the little things helping with chores or a foot rub make lunch etc. She will be a lot more receptive if she knows you are still there for her and only you through your actions can allay her feelings of you moving away from her. The idea is to strengthen the bond between you so good honest COMMUNICATION can take place. You must show love not tell her. In return she can give you space, especially if you show you where thinking of her while you where away. Be creative and don't be selfish after all your partners. You and her against the world. As far as a social life goes find out (you should already know) what she likes and give it to her. I took my wife to Chicago one Sunday and visited the museums and aquariums just out of the blue. Had lunch and snacks went to the beach. You get the picture. Sometimes to move forward you must step back!! And pay attention, she probably has been talking to you but you where not listening.

[starryeyed]

It really does sound like you should try and get some counselling...

If you're toatlly against that, then read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver... You should work through the excercises together... It will help you figure out what is important to you as a couple, how not to lose track of each other... This is the theory that , I am told, most modern premarital counselling is based on...

By the way - I don't think anyone likes doing the dishes, but you do it out of respect and consideration for the people you live with, and yourself.

[JmeMum]

I learned this real quickly. Once you are in a couple you make happy couple friends. It's a great solution. Find couples in your area that are engaged or married and around your age. They become a great support system. That way you both can make friends and if you want to go and have a guys night you can encourage your fiancé to go out with one of the wives. I alsp learned the great thing about that is if she has a complaint about you she'll more than likely tell the wives who will tell their hubby's who will tell you. It's a great way to find out what's in her head if she's not so willing to talk. But communication is ALWAYS key. Try and sit her down in a quiet room, shut everything off, look her straight in her eyes the whole time, hold her hand and ask " baby, tell me whatI can do to make you happy" you might be there all night, but it'll be worth it.

[vm_pbcc_student]

OK 20 is way to young to get married most people that get married at a young age they end up getting a divorce because they don't experiacnce anything in life and they don't get to do things that they wish they could do. You really need to sit dwn and talk to her and tell her how you feel I'm pretty sure she feels some what of the same if not u 2 need 2 separate and try 2 figure out why u guys got married and rebuild your relationship. But first try talking to her OK

[SVImager]

HAHA!! You sound like you married my wife. Nag nag nag... The first five years of my marriage was Hell.

Look...
1st... you need some growing up to do.
2nd... Just decide to stop Procrastinating.. I know it is hard to do.
3rd... Read "Ways of a Superior Man" by David Deida... you will understanding what she is whining about and what she is really saying. Like "Get up off your lazy ^$$ and help me with the housework you ungrateful slob." annnnnd she is right, because woman mature faster than us.

4th... would be the hardest thing to do... That is to STOP GAMING. It takes away hours and hours and days and weeks of your LIFE. What do yo have to show for it about an all night gaming session. You don't learn anything... You have gain nothing... You just wasted your life... I equate it the same as being high on drugs... you are tired in the morning and moody when she wakes you up to help clean up... The only way I kick the habit was to delete it off my Hard drive and gave my console to my brother.

If can't commit to her, why are you married?
But hey, I might be wrong about the video games... How many hours do you spend a week playing? And when do you Play?

[SVImager]

...i love her with all my heart but i need some space to myself you know, and i feel like i can't get that when shes home, and work isnt a getaway either and i dont wish to become a workaholic.

Do you know what Love is and what Love requires?
It isn't just that fuzzy good time feelings.

It is sacrifice and giving your precious "TIME".

Forgive me if I am wrong, You are not Loving her with ALL your heart. You are Loving yourself with ALL your heart... i.e.. Being selfish only to whatever makes you feel good.

You have to catch up to her... She is trying to make your marriage work... don't miss the boat before it is too late and you lose her respect for you and she thinks you are a lazy procrastinating loser.

Sorry if my words seems harsh... I am just remembering who I was and how I wasted my life on other things that didn't really matter.

[Jake2008]

You are going through a rough spot. Marriages have ups and downs, and everything between. You have to accept that it isn't a cake walk, and at the same time realize when there are problems, they can be solved before they turn into big ones with resentment, doubt, and insecurities.

What takes up most of your free time. What takes up most of her free time. What can you eliminate or cut back on, and what can she do likewise. Let's say you cut the gaming five hours a week, and those five hours, you put one hour into every day to do dishes, take out the vacuum, scrub out a bathroom, etc. Small, sustainable results=happy home.

She needs to know that you are contributing to the relationship, not living single within a marriage. It is easy to get further and further apart if you don't make an effort, and stick to it, to do more, and complain less.

You should both be on a date together once a week, out of the house. Plan ahead. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Local theatre, a day at the beach, an afternoon planned to go to a ballgame.

Put more effort into real life friends, and re-kindle the frienships you used to have as a couple. Invite old friends over for a barbecue, or to watch the hockey/football game. It doesn't have to be married couples, but just couples.

Think about building a foundation in the early stages of your marriage. Learn that you have to contribute in meaningful ways and make an effort to get out of your comfort zone and socialize with her, and others.

If you continue on the path of talking without action, you are missing out on a lot of fun you could be having together, instead of nagging about who does the dishes on what day.

Invest, in the relationship. You won't regret it.

[Gemini54]

Hey Guys, this post is from 2006, and, I don't think he's been back...

Time to close the thread?

[SVImager]

Doh!! 2006!!