[jandtspencer]

My youngest daughter, 9 is extremely shy. She has been this way since she was little. She doesn't want to open up to anyone, she hides from our friends and family who try to give attention and gives the impression that she is not scared, but kind of snotty. Once she gets to know people she opens up. Of course around me, her daddy and sister she is outgoing, funny and sweet and the few close friends she has I am able to see that she can be herself around them. But when it comes to anyone else she "clams" up. Even before family functions I still have to remind her to be nice to everyone, answer them when they ask a question and say thank you when someone compliments you instead of ignoring them or giving her famous blank stare. Can someone tell me if this is normal - like a personality thing or is it something she should have grown out of by now?

[citizencain]

I am a mother of five - some of mine are really outgoing, some are "shy". Each child is his own unique person, and it's OK if your child isn't the loudest or most assertive child in every setting. There is much to be admired in a quiet and contemplative spirit! However, if you'd like to see her be less anxious, or build her self-confidence, the best thing you can do is speak affirming things to her that will give her the courage to do whatever she wants to do in life. Tell her "Wow, you really did well when you stood up with your class to sing at the parent meeting!" Just try to notice the things that she is able to do, and brag on her for doing those things well. Children will be what they think others expect them to be, especially their parents! So look for opportunities to reverse the labeling that has already occurred in her life. If she was repeatedly called shy throughout her formative years, that opinion is probably well established in her own mind. But it can be overcome with the same kind of technique; just use every chance you get to build up her more assertive qualities. My oldest child has always been called "shy" because she is quiet and slow to jump in the middle of things. She is 17 now, and we see that her "shyness" isn't a defect, but rather just how she's made. She is beautiful and intelligent and gifted, and is now singing in her youth praise band, and becoming unhindered by what others have always said about her. Her courage was always there... flowers do bloom in the season they're supposed to bloom :)

[jandtspencer]

Thanks, good advice. Oh, and her sister wants to start dance classes next year and I was thinking of putting the "shy" one in some kind of class, gymnastics maybe - what do you think? If she doesn't want to do anything - which is usually the case - should I push her into it to introduce her to new things, people and situations?

[citizencain]

At age nine, you'll probably have a good chance of convincing her to get involved in something like that, and it would be good for her. Looking back at my own daughter at that age, I can see that she was less stubborn then than she was as she got older. I think having my daughter involved in something special would have been good for her, but, she let her fear of new things prevent her from stepping out. I think I would have tried harder to encourage her to go for something she could feel connected to. I think it would have helped her feel that she had something special to be proud of. On the other hand, I have seen kids who have grasped onto something so fiercely (like cheerleading) that they find their entire identity in it, and are sometimes brutal to those not fitting into that group! So you have to make sure she knows that anything she does is just an activity, not her whole identity. One thing that has been a lifeline for my daughter has been her involvement in our church youth group. She loves our church and loves being part of the constant outings, activities, trips, group meetings, practices, camps, conventions, mission trips, etc. with the other teenagers. It has been very good for her to have something to connect to regularly.